The Return of Eddie Haskell… a sequel to "Eddie's Day"
It was May of 1963 and all of Mayfield was ablaze with the hustle and bustle of energetic High Schoolers; young adults who were entering their last days of childhood and stepping onto the main stage of the real world.
At the Haskell residence, Eddie was getting ready for the senior dance. Eddie wore clothes that looked nice for "Eddie", which would make anyone else look like a used car salesman. Eddie dipped a comb in a jar of water and tapped it on the rim three times before running it through his hair. "Perfect!" he mouthed looking at his reflection with a combination of lust and admiration.
"Edward, your friends are here!" Agnes Haskell hollered from downstairs.
"I'm on my way mother." Eddie said with faked politeness.
Eddie tossed his comb onto the dresser, and picked up his jacket before exiting his bedroom and descending the stairway, down into the foyer.
"Edward!" His mother gasp, "My you look so immaculate this evening."
"Thank you mother, I do try my best." Eddie replied insincerely.
A tall slender blond-mustached man entered the room. He wore a red house robe and placed a pipe in the corner of his mouth and stood by his wife Agnes for a moment, as if he were trying to look smart or something.
"George, doesn't our son look lovely this evening?" Agnes asked.
"Quite, quite!" George replied, smoking on his pipe.
"I'd better take my leave now mother and father, I wouldn't want to inconvenience my fellow chums who are waiting for me out on the doorstep." Eddie said with a big wide Cheshire cat grin.
"You go on then and have a good time with your friends." Agnes said encouragingly. With that said, Eddie kissed his mom on the cheek, shook his dad's hand, opened the front door and closed it behind him.
"Oh George, isn't he the most wonderful boy in the world?" Agnes sighed happily.
"I want a divorce." George said bluntly before storming off into the study and slamming shut the door, leaving Agnes standing in shock on the foyer.
While outside, Eddie finally exhaled and lashed out at his "friends", Wally and Lumpy.
"Boy just look at you two slobs, you'd think you were going to a tweed convention." Eddie chortled.
"Laugh it up Haskell!" Wally threatened.
"I'll have you know my mommy picked out this ensemble out for me!" Lumpy cried.
"Geez let's not lose our cool fellas!" Eddie warned the guys. "Okay soreheads, where to?" Eddie asked.
"My place Eddie, you know that!" Wally exclaimed.
"Aw why do we have to go there for Wall?" Eddie moaned.
"Because 'Ed', my brother's sick that's why." Wally replied.
"Tell me something I don't know!" Eddie snickered.
"Cut it out Haskell, It's important that I bring this dime-tap home for Beaver to use." Wally explained.
"Whatever you say, as long as it's 'important'!" Eddie mocked.
"It is!" Wally chided with a balled up fist.
"I'm hungry!" Lumpy groaned.
"Shut up fatso!" Exclaimed both Wally and Eddie.
"You're mean!" Lumpy cried, "I'm going home to my mommy!" Lumpy sobbed as he ran away crying.
"That's right," Eddie snickered. "Run to your momma fat boy!"
"Knock it off Eddie!" Wally scolded.
Later at the Cleaver residence, Beaver was screaming and crying and jumping up and down on the furniture.
"Beaver!" June scolded, "You stop that this instant!" Ward snickered as he read the sports section of the newspaper.
"What's so funny?" June asked.
"Oh nothing dear, certainly not you." Ward said with a wink and a foxy grin.
"Well can you at least keep 'your' son calm while you read paper so I can finish this cross-stitch?" June asked.
"June, honey." Ward sighed, "You know that I put in twelve hour work days down at the salt mine, and when I come home all that I want to do is read the paper and 'not' be reminded of the woes of marital life." Ward explained.
"Oh Ward!" June pleaded, Ward collapsed the newspaper and looked up at the Beaver, "Beaver!" he screamed, "That's enough! Now go to your room!" He hollered. The Beaver jumped down off the sofa and pouted all of the way upstairs.
"Thank you dear." June said, as she returned to her cross-stitching. "Actually hon, I probably should have dealt with him earlier." Ward said.
"You did fine dear." June smiled.
"After all, 'I' am the better parent." Ward admitted while returning attention to the newspaper. June gasped and slammed her cross-stitch onto the coffee table.
"Well I never!" She huffed. "Since you handled everything down here, I will be up in 'my' room!" June declared, obviously upset.
"Oh since you're going to the kitchen can you make me a sandwich while you're there?" Ward asked, not taking his eyes off of the newspaper.
June made a frustrated groan and went upstairs. After a few minutes of silence Ward looked up from the newspaper and called out to his wife, "The kitchen's downstairs remember? And don't forget about my sandwich!" He hollered.
Minutes later Wally and Eddie showed up at the stoop of the Cleaver Residence.
"Uh you'd better wait out here Eddie." Wally suggested.
"Why? Your folks 'love' me!" Eddie bragged in a poisonous tone.
"Love isn't exactly the word I'd use." Wally replied, rolling his eyes.
"Just hurry up so we can go to the dance already!" Eddie demanded.
Just then the front door swung open and June appeared on the porch,
"I thought I heard a rat; oh hello 'Eddie'." She said dismayed.
"Hello Mrs. Cleaver, you look 'immaculate' this evening." Eddie said with a wide, almost "psychotic if it weren't Eddie Haskell grin".
"Thanks Eddie," June said unenthused. "Wally, I made some sandwiches – would you like one?" June asked.
"No thanks mom, I'd better save it for the dance." Wally replied.
"That's okay Wally." June agreed.
"I'll take a sandwich Mrs. Cleaver, since you're offering." Eddie said.
"I didn't make 'that' many!" June answered Eddie.
Inside the house Beaver sat at the top of the stairs watching as Wally and Eddie entered the living room. "That rat Eddie Haskell!" Beaver thought to himself, "He's gonna pay for what he did to us!"
"Why don't you boys sit down while I go and get Wally's corsage for Mary-Ellen out of the freezer." June said.
"Thanks mom!" Wally exclaimed.
"So you boys going to the big box social this evening?" Ward inquired, trying to sound "current" and "hip".
"Uh no dad, we don't call them that anymore." Wally corrected.
"I certainly hope you boys aren't going to be 'rocking out' to any of that 'rock and or roll', it is Satan music after all." Ward declared.
"Why not at all Mr. Cleaver sir, I made sure that tonight's selection of melodies were approved firsthand by the Mayfield –School Board. And as chairman of the 'Parent Student-Teacher Association', I can assure you that tonight's entertainment will be fun within limits." Eddie explained smugly.
"On second thought, go with the devil music." Ward said with a wink.
"Aw gee dad." Wally said with a slight chuckle.
Just then Beaver descended the stairs and approached the boys, and sat between them on the sofa.
"Well if it isn't Beaver, have we calmed down enough to behave ourselves in front of civilized company?" Ward asked. Beaver said nothing, but pouted with his arms folded across his chest.
"Why hello Theodore, how are you doing this fine evening?" Eddie asked in a sickeningly sweet tone. Beaver didn't answer. Instead he twisted his head around like an owl and stared at Eddie point blank "dead-eyed" for the better part of five minutes.
"Is something on your mind son?" Ward wondered, but Beaver said nothing and continued to stare holes into Eddie. Then Beaver reached out with a balled fist and punched Eddie directly in the crotch, just as June stepped in with a plate of sandwiches. Eddie, whose face was blue as a Smurf, was recoiling on the floor in pain and grasping his private region.
"Beaver!" June snapped, and laughed at the same time. "T-That's not very nice!" She said while laughing. She laughed so hard that she dropped the plate of sandwiches to the floor, she sat down in order to catch her breath from laughing too hard.
"June!" Ward snarled, "A man's jewels are no laughing matter!" He exclaimed angrily.
"Y-You're right dear." June said still laughing, "Beaver why did you hit poor Eddie like that?" she asked with a smirk as obvious as the sun.
"I saw a spider; a big hairy, eight-legged freak with big fangs running across Eddie's 'region'." Beaver lied.
"Well that settles it!" Ward said jetting to his feet and placing his hands firmly on Beaver's shoulders, "We're going out for ice cream!"
"Really dad?" Beaver wondered excitedly, "That's real swell!"
"Well it's not every day your son saves someone from a deadly, poisonous arachnid attack." Ward said with a wink.
"Oh my little boy is so brave!" June cried, clasping onto the Beaver. Hugging and kissing his forehead and cheek while bursting out in uncontrollable laughter every few moments.
"A gee whiz mom!" Wally moaned.
"Sorry Wally?" June asked.
"You're embarrassing me!" Wally answered.
"Oh sorry Wally, I guess your old mom and dad aren't 'hip' enough to 'roll with your posse'!" June exclaimed.
"Yea June, we're not 'street' enough, 'G'!" Ward said folding his arms like a "wannabe gangster".
"Well we don't want to 'dis ya' in front of your friend Wally, cos' we know you ain't down wit dat!" June said speaking jive.
"We be out!" Ward said, dropping the newspaper in front of Eddie like a battle rapper dropping his mic. But before leaving, Beaver, June, and Ward stopped, turned around and flashed an assortment of "gang signs" at Wally and Eddie.
"Peace, we gots ta bounce!" Ward said, putting his arm around June like a high school gangster guy.
"Oh Wally, the corsage is de-thawing on the counter. Don't forget it, 'G'!" June exclaimed before leaving.
Later, Eddie sat with bag of ice on his crotch and an uncomfortable look on his face.
"More ice for your crotch Eddie?" Wally asked.
"No thanks man, I already feel like an ice sculpture." Eddie replied.
"I'm really sorry Eddie, but you know – he hates you." Wally explained.
"What are you talking about?" Eddie asked. "Everyone 'loves' me!"
"Look Eddie, it sucks that it had to be you but it 'was' very funny!" Wally said laughing.
"Oh okay, laugh it up fuzzball!" Eddie snorted and threw the ice bag at Wally.
"Come on we got to get to the dance, Mary-Ellen's waiting for me!" Wally exclaimed. Then Wally paused for a moment, "Who are you taking to the dance Eddie?" he wondered.
"This real nice bird, her name's 'Trudy'." Eddie replied.
"Trudy?" Wally reiterated, "She doesn't go to our school does she?" He asked.
"Oh she does, she's a sophomore; the sweetest of the bunch!" Eddie said with a toxic cackle.
"Damn it Eddie!" Wally chided, "I thought you were past all of this 'kiddy crap'!" Wally shouted angrily.
"Hey I'm not eighteen am I?" Eddie retorted.
"No, but you may as well be the way you sullied your reputation with all of the senior girls!" Wally replied.
"Who cares, those dumb broads are about as appealing as a house fire!" Eddie exclaimed.
"Aw knock it off Eddie, we're gonna be late as it is 'without' your posturing!" Wally groaned irritated.