Author's Note: So, day 1 of Jilly week. Haha, late I know! I'm still technically grounded from my laptop but...nobody's home...
Words can't even begin to desribe the pain I'm feeling right now. It was bad enough I had to sit (well, stand really) through the play but when Billy said that...I just...
"It's you, Janey."
No...no...this couldn't be happening. Ben...he was right...
"But, did you ever think he might've meant it romantically?" Those words...I hadn't thought or heard of since that day...Deep inside of me, in that moment, when he said those three little words, there was this tiny piece of hope that he had meant it romantically. With that hope was attached a tiny glimmer...of something...something I felt for him that went way beyond friendship.
It was like I'd been sucked right back into that day, that day I was merely a confused little girl with mixed feelings for her best friend.
"Billy...I have to ask...at the fashion show...when you said...did you mean..." my voice barely even heard over his breathing right beside me.
"I meant...that...it's you." I smiled at his words. I imagined he would say, I...love you...in a complete non-best friend way...but of course I was wrong. He'd said,
"You're...my best friend...and, I never want that to change." My heart shattered right before me. That wasn't at all what I'd wanted to hear...I shook the miserable feeling aside and put on the happiest face I could manage and replied,
I kissed him on the cheek like I'd done countless times before. We leaned back and cuddled closer together. It was then, that I had decided to put my feelings, whatever feelings they were, for Billy away. And, that's how I kept it...until now. The chest of my feelings had been locked tight for months and now they'd been unlocked and scattered everywhere...without my permission.
As I was helping put back the costumes I saw...Billy. A whirlpool of emotions hit me full-force. It was like I'd just been punched in the gut or something.
He smiled, that million dollar smile of his, that could send me on an all expense paid trip to Paris for the weekend.
"What did you think?"
He opened his arms up for an embrace but I held back a second. It was the first time I'd ever really seen him. The first time I'd ever looked at him in a non-best friend way. Instantly, I saw us. Together. It was like I was seeing the future, a future that would never happen. I saw us on our wedding day. Me in an elegant but simple white gown that puffed out all around me, something I'd probably designed myself. Billy was wearing a nice black tux that adorned his body. We both clung onto each other as if we couldn't bare letting go from one another. We both seemed so happy...the kind of happy I longed for at the moment. And, with a flash the image was gone, erased from my mind like it'd never been there in the first place.
I let myself fall easily into his arms. I enhaled his warm scent, the scent of Billy. I gripped his back, like I was afraid he might disappear. And, maybe, he might. This might be it. Maybe, I was loosing him now. Just the thought was horrifying. I never wanted to let Billy disappear before my eyes. I never wanted the boy I was...in love wirh to disappear from me, like he was never even apart of my life. Like, he was never apart of me.
"Janey, can we go somewhere and talk? In private." he whispered into my ear.
"Sure." I mumbled back.
He took me by the hand and led me to a deserted classroom. I leaned against the teacher's desk, barely even giving him so much as a glance as he leaned against one of the smaller desks, belonging to the students.
I didn't say anything. I already knew what he was going to ask. He was going to ask about my whole 'break a leg' thing from earlier. I figured why not tell him? Why not just get it over with? Have it all out in the open?
"Janey? Please tell me, tell me what you were going to say earlier."
"Billy...I...fine. You wanna know the truth?"
"Yes!" he whined.
"Okay...I...know." I stated simply.
"It's you." I mimicked, but not in a mean way, more in a meaningful way.
"Huh?" he repeated.
"Billy...I know alright. I know that you..." I don't even have to finish. His face turns almost as pale as mine.
"Janey, I-" but I cut him off by saying,
"I love you. In the most un-platonic way you can think of." There's that million dollar smile of his. That smile that's so bright it could light up the night sky. Without warning he rams into me and his lips come crashing down onto mine. He kisses me fast and furiously, like he's trying to prove to himself that this is real, that he's really kissing me now. I start to lose my balance so I grip onto the table for support. I tangle my other hand in his faux haux and he grips at the edges of my face.
He sets me gently onto the teacher's desk and molds his body perfectly into mine. I wrap my legs swiftly around his waist and pull my arms around his neck.
"Billy?!" I hear a voice say. Zoe.
He rips himself away from me like I was on fire.
"How could you? You said there was nothing going on! You said you didn't have feelings for her! I should've listened to Lulu!" she swiped at her eyes, tears poring out of them.
"Zoe, no!" he yelled. But, she clearly didn't want to hear it because she turned on her heel and marched out of the room. And, so he ran after her, causing me to trail behind him.
"Zoe! Please! Just let me explain!" he pleaded her. What? Why is he trying to apologize? There was nothing to apologize for.
"Explain? I don't think you really need to explain why you had your tongue down her throat!" she cried out.
"Zoe, no! It wasn't what it looked like!" What? It wasn't what it looked like? It was exactly what it looked like.
She shot one final dirty look at him and ran towards the exit. He slammed his right fist on the wall and let out a rather disgusting sound.
With my whole body trembling I slowly walked up to him. He didn't even know I was there until I whispered,
"It wasn't what it looked like? Could've fooled me."
He brings his soft blue eyes to my doe eyes and says with a sigh,
I hold out my palm to stop him and say,
I can't even go on. I wanted to say more, so much more. I wanted to tell him off. Tell him how much I was in love with him. Tell him how much he'd hurt me. But, the words are lodged in my throat. I can't speak. I can barely breathe.
I stand there. No words are being spoken. He can't even say anything. Coward. So, I do the only thing I can think of. I run. I scoop my heels into my hands and run as fast as I can. I don't look back. I don't want to see him. It'll only cause more pain.
I stop once I'm out of breath. I'd ended up at the exit of the school.
"Janey!" Oh no. Billy.
"Go away." I spat.
"No! I don't wanna hear it!"
"Janey no...you got it all wrong...I...I meant what I said. When I said It's you...you know what I meant...I still...still love you."
I lift my eyes to meet his.
"Really?" I mumble.
"Really. I love you Janey."
I smile. I smile so big it hurts. Because I know he's not lying. He did mean it. He loved me. Loved me like I loved him.
"I love you too Billy."
And, he smiles also. Even bigger than me. So, like in the movies, he picks me up and spins me around, and kisses me. Everything was finally right.