Depressingness (That's not a word, yes I do realise.) ahead. BEWARE!
It was becoming a routine.
7.00pm - Sirius, Remus, Peter and James would be sitting in the common room, chatting, hanging out, maybe a game of chess.
7.10pm - Sirius would start shamelessly flirting with James.
7.15pm - Remus would dig his nails in to the book he was reading, grit his teeth and try not to cry as the man he loved flirted with another man.
7.20pm - James would get annoyed about Sirius's flirting and go to find Lily.
7.40pm- James would return with Lily, holding her hand.
7.50pm - James and Lily would be sitting on the floor, Lily in James's lap, kissing heatedly.
8.00pm - Sirius would continue scowling at Lily as she whispered into James's ear.
8.20pm - James and Lily would leave for the girls dorm.
8.25pm- Sirius would grab Remus by the hand and drag him to the boys dorm.
And from then on, Sirius would loudly sleep with Remus, not bothering with silencing charms or locking charms. Sirius wanted James to hear. Wanted him to see.
After using Remus's body to take out his sexual frustration, Sirius would roll off of Remus and go to the showers, leaving Remus to curl up into a ball, self-loathing boiling in his chest.
It happened all the time. Almost every night. Like clockwork.
And still Remus couldn't help but keep the small bubble of hope in his heart every time he looked at Sirius. Hope that one day, Sirius would finally get over James and fall for him instead...
"Jaaaaames, I'm bored!"
Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to scream.
Here we go, just like clockwork.
"Piss off Sirius." James sighed, standing up and walking briskly away towards the portrait hole.
Sirius started at James's back until he was out of sight, then narrowed his eyes.
"Remus. Come with me."
This is new...
Remus frowned, refusing to look up as Sirius stood up, trying to pull Remus with him.
"Remus. Now." He demanded, his voice hard and cold.
He's not sticking to the schedule.
Remus finally looked up into Sirius's cold glare.
If he can change things, then so can I.
"No." Remus said, narrowing his eyes slightly. He was sick of being Sirius's little puppet.
Sirius looked at Remus like he had grown two heads.
"What did you jus-"
"I said NO." Remus repeted, shocked at his own bravery.
Sirius's eyes widened slightly as he looked the werewolf up and down. He opened his mouth to speak when James walked in, Lily beside him.
Usually they would be right on cue.
But not tonight.
"How dare you stand there and demand that I go upstairs with you. How fucking dare you."
Everyone in the room let out a collective gasp, Sirius included. Remus John Lupin never ever swore.
"How dare you use me as your puppet, just because James isn't interested in you? You think you can just sit there, flirt with James until he leaves then take out your frustration on me? Well guess what Black, Not anymore."
Sirius flinched when Remus used his last name. Lily, James and Peter were staring at Remus, looking on with a mix of shock and admiration. Sirius looked...scared? The words just kept spilling out of Remus. 3 years of bottled up feelings were just exploding out of him.
"Moony, please..." Sirius began but Remus cut him off.
"I have loved you for three years Black. Three fucking years! But you haven't even noticed. You've been too busy shagging ever girl that walks and trying to get into James's pants. You know that feeling you get when you see Lily with James? Huh? That gut wrenching, heart shattering feeling? Well Just imagine for a second that James and Lily weren't going out. Just imagine how you would feel everytime you saw him flirting with her, trying with her, then imagine that he gets frustrated because she won't sleep with him, so he uses you. He takes you up to the dorm and he fucks you, but the whole time, he's thinking about her. He doesn't kiss you, because he doesn't feel the need to make you feel loved. Then when it's over, he gets up and leaves."
Sirius was crying at this point, shamelessly crying infront of everyone as Remus continued talking in the same, hollow, dead voice as before.
"Imagine how much that hurts. Because guess what Black. I've had to go through that feeling everyday for three fucking years. Do you have any god damn idea how much that hurts? How it still hurts me? Of corse you don't. Because you, Sirius Black, are a cold, arrogant, using bastard."
Remus stopped momenterally to pull back the sleeves of his shirt, causing James to pale slightly, Lily to gasp and Sirius to whimper.
Red, puckered, angry scars lined Remus's wrists.
Another part of the sick routine.
Sirius leaves. Remus cuts.
"You see this? Everytime you crawl away from me after using me, I feel empty. I don't feel real. I feel like a common, dirty, whore. I cut myself to make me feel something other than dirty. Other that disguting. You caused this Black."
Sirius feel to his knee's before Remus, grabbing fist fulls of his robes, sobbing into Remus's thighs.
Remus could hear Sirius sobbing "Sorry! So sorry. So sorry..." into him but he didn't care.
Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it.
"And do you want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I still fucking Love you! After everything, I will always fucking love you. And it just makes it that much harder."
And with that Remus pulled away from Sirius's grasp and turned strode out of the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving his friends and his worries behind him.
The routine was done.
And so was he.
Hehehe...I'm a depressing little minx aren't I?
I maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay add a few more (slightly happier) chapters. If I can be arsed.
Lots of love,