Hank the Pony Hater

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A PONY HATER. HANK HILL'S EXTREMIST VIEWS AGAINST PONIES DO NOT REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THE AUTHOR. IN FACT, I MYSELF AM A BRONY.

Hank walked into Bobby's room.

"Dang it, Bobby, how many times do I have to tell you- BLLAAAHHHH!" Bobby's room was painted pink, with My Little Pony Friendship is Magic posters and stuffed toys.

"It's okay, daddy. Lots of guys are into it." Bobby said.

"Nooo!" Hank whimpered. "If you're into that filth, you might as well tell the average big muscled guy you're gay for Justin Bieber."

Hank got on YouTube and made a comment on the 'YouTube's new Channel Layout-A Guided Tour' video. He typed "The likes are bigger than my son Bobby Hill's penis." He then went on the official video for Baby by Justin Bieber and replied to some of the hate comments about Bieber and said "You mean my son Bobby Hill." Any overused joke or vitriolic hate comment about Justin Bieber you can think of, Hank was typing comments like those, but replacing "Justin Bieber" with "my son Bobby Hill." When someone replied to his comment saying "Who's Bobby Hill?" Hank would reply with "a guy who likes My Little Pony." And the vitriolic comments would then be directed at Bobby instead, enough to completely overshadow what the commenters were hating on before. He then went back in Bobby Hill's room.

"Please burn all your pony stuff. NOW!"

"Dad, you cannot make the unfair assumption that it is a little girls' cartoon until you've seen an episode yourself."

"Why would I watch that drivel? I AM NOT A LITTLE PRISSY GIRL! Boys who watch that girly abomination are WORSE THAN HITLER! C'mon, let's watch a REAL show together." Hank strapped Bobby to a chair, with metal hooks forcing his eyes open. Hank called this a father and son bonding moment. What were they watching, you might ask? Jersey Shore!

After the episode was over, Hank gave Bobby a piece of paper and a pencil.

"What's this?" Bobby asked.

"A quiz. I am quizzing you on the episode of Jersey Shore we just watched. You have five minutes." Bobby stared at the questions. He had no idea of the answer to any of them. The worst part is, it was short answer, which meant that if you were reduced to random guessing, you were pretty much screwed. And he was.

"One minute remaining," Hank called. Bobby was reduced to guessing preposterous answers like "a wizard did it" and "a dash of rainbow in every bite." He turned in his quiz.

"Dude, are you even trying? This is worse than an F! I am giving you a Z! Now I am going to make you watch that episode again and make you take that quiz again! Each time you fail, you must sit through it again and again."

Fifteen hours later, Bobby had dark circles under his eyes, was starving and extremely thirsty, and his bladder looked like a second beer belly. He finally passed Hank's hellish quiz with the bare minimum, even though he got every answer correct.

Next day, Bobby was back to watching My Little Pony Friendship is Magic episodes on YouTube. Bobby heard Hank coming in, so he quickly switched the tab to porn videos.

"Why are you looking at porn? You don't usually watch porn." Hank snatched the laptop away and browsed Bobby's history. Sure enough, he spied the My Little Pony stuff.

"Dang it Bobby, why can't you be a normal human being. Until you learn, your lap top is history!" He went outside, smashed the laptop, and burned it all up using the propane grill. "Propane is good for burning laptops too."

When Hank went to go throw something in the trash, he found Bobby's first Jersey Shore quiz in there. "A dash of rainbow in every bite. Hmmm, this gives me an idea."

He wrote a fanfic called "Cupcakes" that involved Pinkie Pie making Rainbow Dash into a cupcake and wrote a petition to turn that fanfic into an actual episode of the series. It got somewhere over 600,000 signatures.

Three months later...

"Hey, Bobby, I've been thinking, I was wrong to be a Nazi by trying to make you not wanna watch My Little Pony ever again. So be sure to watch tonight's episode."

Bobby turned the TV on to the Hub at the correct time slot of My Little Pony. In the episode that Bobby was watching, Rainbow Dash was strapped to a chair with Pinkie Pie slicing her up and turning her into a cupcake. Bobby barfed.

"I swear to God I will never eat cupcakes or watch this retarded show ever again. Not if it's gonna be bloody and gory from now on." Hank Hill nodded in agreement.

The next day...

"Dang it, Bobby, how many times do I have to tell you- BLLAAAHHHH!" Bobby's room was covered with Justin Bieber posters plastered all over the wall, and "Baby" coming out of his boom box. Hank's head literally exploded with rage.