I thought I was dreaming at first when I saw him standing there, my blurred vision wasn't helping but as he came nearer and I tried harder to focus, I could see that he was really here in the flesh. Dressed in his deli uniform, god he looked even more beautiful than what I remembered. It felt like I hadn't seen him for the longest time and I had missed him…really missed him. Steven had come to see me and now it didn't matter that no one else was here because he was and well he means everything to me.
It felt so good seeing him; it actually warmed my heart, see I was feeling already, I was learning to love just like I said I would. Chez had left me, cut me out of her life and said goodbye, but him being here made me forget about all that, at least for a little while. Maybe the thought of losing me for good made him realise that he still loves me…maybe. Our eyes locked and his filled with sadness and I knew, I knew that he was going to tell me something I didn't like, kicking me while I was down sprung to my mind.
He tells me he's engaged to Douglas and I want to shout and scream and cry and fall apart and I'm feeling you know really feeling and it hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. My battered body doesn't hurt like my heart does right now, maybe I'll have to leave this feeling stuff to the experts; it just doesn't work for me.
"Congratulations" I say simply.
My voice on the other hand, said so much more, it pained me to say that word and as I saw a single tear fall down his cheek I knew that it pained him to hear it. I told him to go, not because I wanted him to, but because I was going to cry I didn't want him to witness that, I had no right to put that on him…not anymore. I thought he had come to see me because he cares, but he just came to tell me that he's moved on even more.
I'm engaged now, I'm engaged now, I'm engaged now, I'm engaged now, I'm engaged now.
The words going round and round in my head, kinda like a broken record only I couldn't stop it. This is my karma, my judgement day and although Steven and I have been over for some time, there really is no going back now. He wants to be with someone else for the rest of his life, he loves Douglas more now and I have to live with that for the rest of mine. Trouble is I don't know if I can.
Get better soon was the last words he said to me before he left. He's left me lots of times but this time felt the worst because I knew he wasn't coming back. The thing is he can't leave my life for good because I don't know who I am without him. I try so hard to protect my loved ones, to put right the wrong I've done, but laying here all alone makes me think that maybe I should of died in that explosion.
My boys, Chez, Joel and my beloved Steven would all be better off without me, they have all cut me out of their lives anyway so now I'm just waiting to die. Steven…my sweet, loving Steven, how I wish I could just spend one more day lost in his arms but he didn't stay, he chose to go instead. My life has changed forever regardless though, because he did love me once, for one moment in time I was his world, his universe and that may just get me through these dark days ahead.
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