Author's Note: I made this for a friend. It's more crack than romance, but oh well XD

Enjoy! (Also I DON'T own Jurassic Park, just this tiny plot thing)

Ian Malcom cursed loudly. Why they had the guy with the giant bite in his leg do guard duty, he had no idea. He was starting to think his fellow survivors weren't that smart. Then again he had gotten talked into to coming to this dumb island.

'Nature always finds a way.'

"I hate being right." Just then his walkie-talkie flared to life.

"How is it up there?" Ray Arnold asked over the walkie-talkie.

"Uh, just-just perfectly fine! No, uh, no MAN-eating dinosaurs have decided to say hi. It's wonderful up here actually. Would you like to join me? Maybe-"

"Dr. Malcolm." Ray interrupted Ian's rant. Ray sighed. "Just.. Just call if you see anything."

"Yeah. Defenseless man up here. I'm sure I'll have time to, uh, signal you before I get eaten."

"Shut the *&% up and do your job." There was a click and the walkie-talkie was silent. Ian cursed loudly. Again. Just then the sound of a deep thump noise sounded through the forest. Ian looked over at his glass of water (so cliché I know) and when another thump sounded it shook, the vibrations rippling the water. This time he cursed in his head. Frantically picking up the walkie-talkie, he turned it on.

"We, uh, we got movement up here. Do you hear me? Um, movement. Like giant, uh T-rex. T-rex, Ray. A man-eati-"

"Shut up. We heard you the first time." Ray cursed under his breath. "Alright I'm sending Hammond up there to get you."

"The, uh, no offense, the old guy? To get the man WITH THE BROKEN LEG? Uh, smart, Ray. Real smart."


"Uh, yeah I'll let you guys work that out." Ian clicked off the walki-talkie. The thumps had started getting closer and more intense. Suddenly, before he had time to prepare, a T-rex burst through the trees, not twenty feet from defenseless, immobile, Ian Malcom.

'Life sucks'

The T-rex, the same one that had almost eaten his entire leg, stomped over to him.

'stay ABSOLUTELY still'

The thing looked him in the eyes and lowered its head so that its nose almost touched him face. Then it sniffed.

"Uh, wow. You're, uh, beautiful." Ian couldn't help but say to the female T-rex, as he had finally noticed. He was still unmoving from his position. "Soo, uh, are you, uh, you know, together with anyone?"

'What the heck, why not. Not like I'm gonna survive this.'

Tina (sounds like a name a T-rex would have) rubbed her giant nose against Ian's face.

"Uh, yeeeaaah... I'll take that as a no. So, uh, wanna go out sometime? Get a few drinks?" Ian still didn't move from his spot. Tina opened her mouth.

'Goodbye &* #% world'

Tina licked his face.

"That wasn't so bad. Do I, uh," Ian smiled. "Do I taste good?" Tina Let out a roar. Ian was laughing now. "Is that a yes?"

Then Tina opened her mouth wide... And ate Ian Malcom.

The End

Authors Note: I feel no shame or regret for what I've done. I only hope that the characters weren't too OOC (Jeff Goldblum's stutter is hard to replicate, plus he's so awesome I was scared I was gonna mess up XD)

Please review if you feel like it. I made this for a friend. (I got back at her by making her make a Winnie the Pooh Angst fan fiction XD I should be interesting)