Several hours later, Logan wakes up. It's still dark outside, and Kendall is now behind him, their positions reversed from before. Logan is unsure what woke him until he hears Kendall groan and rut up against him.
Logan feels Kendall's stomach against his back and something else poking him in the backside.
"Kendall," Logan whispers. All Kendall does is hum and rub against Logan again.
"Wake up, Kendall!" Logan shouts, trying to move away gently. Kendall only holds him tighter.
"Mmm, Logan," Kendall moans.
"Kendall, Kendall, KendallKendallKendall," Logan says, desperately trying to wake up his friend. Wait. Is Kendall having a sex dream about him?
Logan is able to roll over in Kendall's embrace. Though the light is low, he can still make out the sheen of sweat on Logan's brow, his pink lips full and swollen, parted as Kendall lets out a pant.
Kendall looks pretty hot like this. There's this second where Logan thinks of taking advantage of him, of pressing his lips against Kendall's, of taking some of Kendall's heat within himself.
Instead, in a much softer voice, he says, "Kendall?" this time giving Kendall's shoulders a gentle shake.
Kendall's eyes slit open, but only just. He closes them again. Logan can see him take a thick swallow.
"Listen, Logan," Kendall says, his voice full of sleep and something else. "I'm only going to ask you this once, and whatever your answer is, let's pretend I never asked it."
"I need your help." Kendall's eyes are still closed, and Logan wants to know why Kendall won't look at him.
"Sure, yeah, you know I'll do anything I can to help," Logan answers, innocent and still clueless.
"I need your help," Kendall says again, finding Logan's hand and bringing it down between his legs, "with this." He firmly presses Logan's palm against his erection, groaning at the small pressure.
"Whoa!" Logan exclaims. This might be too much. Sure, Logan wants to help, but what the hell would this mean? He's freaking out, but doesn't remove his hand. In fact, he presses down a little harder, stifling his own groan when Kendall's brows furrow and he looks so pleasured. "I don't know, Kendall, this is—"
"Please? I'm just so, so, so—"
"Sexually frustrated?" Logan offers.
"Yeah, um, that makes sense." Logan tries to pull his hand away, he really does, but Kendall is holding Logan's wrist and moving his hips against Logan's open palm.
"It's your fault I'm like this anyway," Kendall breathes, his cheeks reddening with arousal. "So you should take care of it."
"Kendall," Logan whines, and even though what Kendall says is true, it's not like Logan has planned on all this.
Kendall finally opens his eyes, his pupils dilated wide, the normally bright green of his iris dark with lust. "Please," Kendall begs again. Logan gives him a quick nod and begins palming Kendall's dick in earnest.
"It's just," Kendall pants, "really awkward to do this myself with my huge stomach."
As if. Logan knows awkward and this is definitely awkward.
"How's that?" Logan asks, closing his fist around Kendall as much as he can through the fabric of Kendall's pajamas. Kendall nods and thrusts his hips forward again. Logan stops what he's doing, and Kendall whimpers.
"Take off your clothes," Logan whispers, swallowing around the nervous, panicky feeling knotting his chest. And, god, he hopes they really can forget about this, because he doesn't want to ruin what he's had with Kendall since they were little kids. He thinks of James' words as he helps Kendall out of his pants, pulls his top over his head, you've loved him from the beginning. Logan lets himself feel that love for a moment, and he pretends this is more than just getting Kendall off.
It makes it less awkward. It makes it less awkward when he runs the pads of his fingers over Kendall's chest, his stomach, his hips. It makes it less awkward when Kendall asks Logan to take off his own clothes too. "It seems weird if you don't," Kendall answers when Logan asks him why.
And it feels so good when Logan presses himself against Kendall, his skin on Kendall's, the heat rolling off him, Logan feeling it down to the very bottoms of his feet.
Logan pulls back to look Kendall over from head to toe, everything about him glowing in the soft, white lamp light.
"I'm disgusting," Kendall says, noticing the way Logan looks him up and down.
"But you're really not, Ken. You're beautiful."
Kendall still doesn't look at him, and it kills Logan to see Kendall Knight so unsure of himself. He tries not to think about what he's doing as he leans in to press his lips against Kendall's.
And it's like Kendall was waiting on Logan to do it, and Kendall throws himself into the kiss. He opens his mouth, finding Logan's tongue, a jolt of something more than lust flowing through them both. The kiss is just so personal, their faces pressed together, sharing breath after breath, more personal than Logan's fingers around Kendall's cock, more personal than Kendall's hands gripping Logan's hips.
Why haven't we been doing this all along? Logan thinks, smiling against Kendall's mouth. He wonders if it's just him, or if this is changing something in Kendall as well.
Kendall breaks away to kiss Logan's throat, his chest.
"Yeah, Kendall?" Logan answers, breathless.
"Um, uh, do you think you could finger me?" Logan freezes. Wow. He wasn't expecting that. It takes him a moment to realize where he would finger Kendall, and duh. He's just never let himself think of Kendall like this, some mental wall blocking him from it. It was never a possibility. Plus, it's unsanitary and he could hurt Kendall and what if he can't look Kendall in the eye again? But Kendall starts swirling his tongue around Logan's nipple and it feels so good that Logan thinks he'd probably put a cactus up his own ass if Kendall asked it. Which he really hopes Kendall doesn't.
Logan grunts something to the affirmative and asks Kendall—ohmygod, so embarrassing—if he has any sort of lubrication. He doesn't have anything made for this purpose, but he does have some of that cocoa butter lotion for stretch marks. It'll have to do.
Before Logan knows it, Kendall is clutching him tightly, his leg slung up over Logan's hip as Logan's slickened finger finds Kendall's entrance and slowly presses in. Logan can feel Kendall tense up around him, and he kisses Kendall's brow, his nose, settling on his lips. He tries to calm Kendall with the press of their mouths, tries to tell him without words to relax, to trust him, to let Logan take care of him. Kendall loosens and Logan starts moving his finger, searching out that spot he knows will make Kendall see stars.
Logan adds another finger alongside the first, and when he finds what he's looking for, Kendall lets a long, low moan fly from between his lips.
"Oh, god, more," Kendall groans, moving his hips and bearing down on Logan's fingers. Logan adds a third finger and thrusts in and out of Kendall until they are moving without resistance, pushing just right inside Kendall on almost every move. Logan reaches between them to grasp Kendall's dick and pump. He groans in relief when Kendall returns the favor. They're squished together and it's awkward and hot and sloppy, but there's nothing about it that doesn't thrill Logan to the core, this new part of himself set free, flying away.
"We should have sex," Kendall whispers against Logan's lips. His tongue sweeps across Logan's mouth, and Logan isn't sure he heard Kendall right until the other guy says, "I want you to fuck me."
Logan gets really nervous; he's never done this before, not with anyone, male or female, but he just can't say no to Kendall right now. Not when the heat of Kendall's hand is probably nothing compared to the heat inside his body.
"Okay," Logan says, kissing Kendall again, taking Kendall's lower lip between his teeth. He removes his fingers and sits up.
"I think this would probably be easier if you go on your hands and knees," Logan suggests, helping Kendall to sit up. Kendall almost seems disappointed, but he nods and turns around, looking over his shoulder at Logan once he's stilled.
Logan runs his hands up and down Kendall's spine, fills his palms with the flesh of Kendall's ass. He hums as he meets Kendall's stare; Kendall is so goddamn amazing and hot, his eyes full of need, his pink tongue peeking from between his lips. Logan gets even harder, his dick throbbing when he imagines plunging into Kendall.
"We have to do it this way because I'm fat, right?" Kendall asks.
"You're not fat," Logan replies, leaning down to kiss Kendall, grinding his cock between Kendall's cheeks. Logan straightens himself and lines his dick up with Kendall's opening. He presses in slowly, seeing yellow spots when Kendall's body squeezes around the head of his cock.
"You really don't think I'm fat?" Kendall asks again, breathing through the intrusion, closing his eyes against the budding pleasure.
"You're not fat, Kendall. You're having a baby." Logan presses in a little more, the urge to plunge all the way in near overwhelming.
"Holy shit, Logan, stop!" Kendall suddenly exclaims, moving forward until Logan's dick falls out of him. He scoots to the head board and turns around, leaning his back against it. "What about the baby?"
"Kendall, please, watch your language," Logan replies.
"You weren't saying that a few minutes ago," Kendall retorts and Logan's face flames.
Logan tries not to snap, because damn if he's not getting blue balls, and he moves to sit next to Kendall. "Why'd you want to stop?"
"What if the baby can see it?" Kendall whispers.
"See what?" Logan's lust addled brain can't seem to follow Kendall's train of thought. It's the first time Logan can ever remember feeling truly stupid.
"Your penis," Kendall says, voice so low and cautious that Logan laughs out loud. Kendall just continues to stare at him earnestly.
"You can't be serious." Logan stops laughing when he sees Kendall is totally serious.
"Can you imagine how scary that would be for her? Just to see this giant," he lowers his voice again, "penis coming at her?"
"Kendall there's no way she can see it."
"How do you know? Do you remember being inside your mom?"
"But the baby is in a completely different part of your body—"
"I said, 'Do you remember being inside your mom?'" Kendall presses.
"Well, I, uh…" Kendall's eyebrows rise expectantly. "No. No, I don't," Logan answers, realizing trying to rationalize with a pregnant guy is going to get him nowhere.
"Just, let's not." At least he looks a little apologetic about it. "Here," he adds, wrapping his long fingers around Logan's flagging erection and pumping.
They both get to get off still, which Logan thinks is really cool, but he can't help but wonder afterwards if he's still a virgin.
They don't talk about it, just like Kendall made Logan promise, but Logan is starting to think they really, really need to talk about it. Logan starts "helping" Kendall almost every morning. And sometimes just before lunch. And sometimes after dinner. And, yeah, maybe he "helps" him before bedtime too.
Logan has slept with Kendall since that first night; it's nice, comfortable, being pressed against his overheated body. It makes him feel better about all the messing around as well, gives him some kind of use other than a willing hand or mouth. Logan appreciates, although Kendall is always burning up, he still snuggles into Logan.
The whole thing is making a fucked up situation just that much more fucked up.
It's not like Logan is excited to bring something up about the thing going on with them. It's like it's this secret in the bedroom (sometimes the back patio, the kitchen counter, maybe the couch) that when shown in the light of day becomes nothing but a dream, a memory. Logan is reluctant for that to happen. But how long can they keep this up? Soon, Kendall is going to have the baby, and they'll go back to California. Will things go back to the way they were before? It's not the worst idea in the world, but before Logan had no idea…
No idea what?
Logan decides he's going to have to bring it up. He's supposed to be an adult now, so he should handle this like one.
So he surprises Kendall with a cookout on the beach, complete with Kendall's favorite foods (favorite foods since he's been pregnant, anyway): sauerkraut, butternut squash, grilled PB&J and cheeseburgers. Logan is happy he can stand the smell long enough to make it all.
When Kendall smiles and gets excited about what Logan did, Logan feels that fluttery, nice feeling in his stomach. He feels as warm as Kendall's grin, and there's this huge sense of pride when they sit side by side in the sand, Kendall digging in.
The sun is sinking into the ocean quickly. Kendall looks to Logan, a small chuckle rumbling in his chest as he eats.
"What?" Logan returns the chuckle, albeit nervously. Kendall turns his face back to the ocean, breaking their eye contact. Logan takes the moment to appreciate Kendall's profile, his hair on fire with the rapidly departing, orange light. It seems the longer they are here, the farther along Kendall gets, the lovelier he becomes to Logan. Logan can't really blame it on the pregnancy anymore though, not since he's been allowed to touch Kendall, kiss him, hold him. It's his affection growing, making Kendall dearer to him with each passing moment, each hurried press of lips.
Kendall feels Logan looking at him and finally turns to meet his eyes. "This kind of feels like a date, Logie," Kendall says.
And, god, Logan gets scared and panicky when Kendall says the d-word, but he's relieved Kendall brought it up. He swallows down the fear and starts to cough when he chokes on his spit.
Kendall pats him on the back, full out laughing now, and hands Logan a drink. Logan takes a sip, calms his ragged coughs.
"Better?" Kendall asks, smirk still curling the corners of his mouth.
"Do you want this to be a date?" Logan requests.
"Do you want me to want it to be a date?"
They both sit in silence a few moments, wondering who will break first, still completely oblivious to what the other is thinking.
"This is silly, Logan. I just… This whole thing is so… I've never been so all over the place in my life. I never knew I could feel as much as I've felt over the last few months. I know I said I wanted you to forget about what we do, you know, when we're, um, together, and at the time, that's what I wanted. Because I was scared. I'm still scared." He pauses to take Logan's hand, stare at their interlocked fingers as though they look different with the light of day shining down on them. "But now I want to know… I need to know how you feel about me, Logan."
And then he moves close to Logan, noses almost touching, his hands moving to the side of Logan's face, cupping his cheeks. Logan has never seen Kendall look so vulnerable and full of frail hope. At least not directed toward Logan.
How does Logan feel? Isn't that the very question Logan has been pondering for weeks now? Logan might be a goddamn genius, but he's emotionally stupid. So he tries to explain the best he can. By speaking any thought which crosses his mind.
"I've been thinking about that a lot actually. You know I flub these kinds of things up, Kendall, so I hope you'll let me finish," Logan starts, moving Kendall's fingers from his cheeks and clutching Kendall's hands in his lap. He looks off into the ocean, as though the answer will wash ashore.
"You know how when you're a little kid, and you look at the sky, you think 'hey, the world is round and the sky seems to meet the Earth in a round way, so I must live in a dome'?" Kendall shakes his head. "No? Must've just been me. Anyway, I remember looking far away to where the sky seemed to meet the horizon and I thought that was all there was. I thought the world ended where the sky touched the Earth, just beyond where I could see. As I grew, I realized I could walk forever and never find that place where the sky and Earth met. There was just so much more to it. Make sense?" Kendall nods.
"When my mom explained it to me, I was so afraid. If there's that much world, how would I ever see it all? How would I find where I was supposed to be? But then I realized, I don't have to go everywhere and see everything. I just have to be where I'm happy. It doesn't matter where that is. And that's how I feel about you."
"That's how I feel about you. I've known you forever, Kendall, and I always took my feelings for you at face value without thinking about it any deeper. I didn't know there were possibilities. I didn't let myself consider any. The point is, there's more to you—to me and you—than I ever knew, even though I know now, and I think you do now too, there is."
"So what are you saying, Logan?" Kendall asks, moving in even closer to Logan, his words expelled tickling Logan's lips.
"I'm saying, I love you," Logan replies, and he hadn't planned on saying that, hadn't really even thought it, but the moment the words pass through his lips he knows they're true.
"That's what I thought." Then Kendall kisses him, and it's more than any of the other kisses put together. It tastes like a smile, like sauerkraut, like joy and forever. It's not rushed or heated or lust-filled. It's everything Logan tries to say but can't.
Kendall's due date is two weeks away. He and Logan sit, curled together on the couch, waiting on the doctor to make a house call.
"I'm so tired of being pregnant," Kendall whines, leaning forward so Logan can rub his back. His feet are propped on the coffee table, swollen ankles peeking from the hems of his pajamas. There's been no talking him into putting on real clothes in the last month. Not that any of them fit now anyway. Kendall hates looking down and being unable to see his feet. He often wonders how women handle doing this two, three, maybe four times in their lives. He'll never take his mom for granted again.
"Just a little longer now." Logan presses hard against Kendall's lower back, the taller guy moaning.
"Don't make noises like that," Logan requests, chuckling against Kendall's throat before peppering it with kisses.
"Will you still love me when we're back to normal?" Kendall blurts.
"What kind of question is that?" Logan moves his arms around Kendall, rests them on his heavily pregnant stomach. "I'll love you matter what."
"Even if my stretch marks don't go away?"
Kendall sighs, covers Logan's hands with his own. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"I'll miss this a little. Being here with you. Being pregnant. I'll miss her," Kendall whispers. Neither of them have talked about it, mentioned the separation out loud. Doing so brings it to harsh reality. "I'm not really even scared about the birth anymore." As though she knows she is being mentioned, the baby wiggles and kicks.
"I can see your stomach moving," Logan laughs, pulling Kendall's shirt up to expose the mound of his stomach. "Look." And they both stare as Kendall's stomach moves like a wave, kicks and twitches, elbows and knees.
"Ouch," Kendall moans. "You need to chill out, little baby, you're hurting Da—"
They both go completely quiet and still, the word so close to being spoken, so close and so far from actuality.
"It's like on Alien," Logan says, unable to stand the tension. Kendall smiles and turns his head to the side, pressing his lips to Logan's.
"I love you," Kendall says, and he really, really means it. Not like he did when he said it to Jo, not like how he thought he felt about Lucy.
They grin at each other long moments as the baby settles down.
There's a knock on the door, and Logan slides from behind Kendall to go answer it.
"Hey, Doc," Logan greets.
"Logan! How's it going?"
"Great! Come on in."
Dr. B seems ridiculously young, but when Logan's curiosity finally got the better of him, he had been surprised to find he was almost fifty. An expert in his field, he was used to seeing odd cases. None so odd as this one, but still. He's handled the entire situation with ease and kindness.
The two find Kendall already lying on flat on the couch. "Poke me, Doc," Kendall exclaims, full dimples on his cheeks.
"Kendall, how are you feeling?" Dr. B asks, moving to kneel next to Kendall. Since they've been in Florida, the guys have only had to visit Dr. B's office twice, and for that, they are extremely grateful. They got some odd looks the times they did go in.
"I'm tired. And hungry. And sore, achy, ouchy and swollen. Other than that, I'm great," Kendall chimes, the doctor measuring his stomach.
Dr. B laughs. "Anything new this week?"
"Not really. She's been moving around less, but the times she does move hurt more."
"That tends to happen when a baby gets close to delivery. Not as much room for somersaults, I'm afraid." Dr. B gets out his Fetal Doppler and squeezes that cold gel crap onto Kendall's stomach. It's only a moment before the sound of her heartbeat fills the room. Dr. B's brow furrows as he looks at the instrument. He easily schools his expression, shuts off the machine and wipes Kendall's stomach with a tissue.
"Everything alright, Doc?" Kendall asks.
"Guess what you get to do today!" Dr. B exclaims, holding out his arms as though he's offering a huge ass cardboard check for a million dollars.
"What?" both boys say in unison.
"Have a baby!"
They have a ton of security guys from who knows where escort them to the hospital, keeping them closed off from any wandering eyes. The ride there seems long, ridiculously so, and Logan is trying his best not to freak out.
"It's all going to be fine," Logan says, squeezing Kendall's hand so hard his knuckles turn white.
"Who are you trying to convince?" Kendall laughs.
"Good question. Oh, we need to call Nate and Heath!" Logan says. "Do you want to give the good news or should I?"
"Put them on speaker."
The phone only rings once when Nate answers. "H-hello? Kendall? Logan? Is it happening?"
"Yep, sure it," Kendall says. "I'm having your baby today."
"Heath!" Nate practically screams. "Get the bags! We're going to Florida! Ohmygod."
"Hey, Nate, are you excited?" Logan asks, resisting the urge to laugh out loud, the joy undulating from the phone infectious.
"Yes! We'll be there soon, guys. Good luck, Kendall!" They hear some fumbling with the phone, a few more ohmygods coming through before the call disconnects.
"It's a good thing we're doing here," Kendall says, scooting even closer to Logan, if that were a possible thing.
They don't say anything else, only cling to each other and think about what they're leaving behind.
Once Kendall is prepped and numb from the waist down, it's only minutes before they put up a curtain so Kendall can't see the gore below his chest. Logan wants to look so bad, but Kendall asks him to stay with him, stay close to his face, hold his hand.
There's this hushed moment when the doctor's are silent, the instruments aren't being moved, and Logan holds his breath. The quiet is only broken by a tiny, shrill cry, and Kendall lets out a sigh, a laugh, a choked sob. Logan leans down to kiss away the tears until he realizes he is only adding to them.
"It's a girl. Do you want to see her?" Dr. B asks over the wails. Kendall and Logan look at each other, both waiting on the other to answer.
"I need to know now, boys. This placenta needs to come out and that's the tricky part." Kendall nods.
"Cut the cord, Logan?"
"Uh, yeah, yes, I'd love to." And Logan sees her for the first time, bright red and covered in baby goo, but he sees his nose there, Kendall's chin. He wonders how in the world they're supposed to hand her over when she's so very much theirs, maybe not made by love but born into it.
"Logan?" Dr. B prods. Logan snaps out of it, cuts her cord and takes her in his arms. He brings her to Kendall and she opens her eyes, dark blue.
Kendall says, "I think they'll be brown," and Logan nods. Kendall puts his arms around her, kisses her tiny forehead.
"Hi, baby." She grips Kendall's finger in her fist, sticks out her miniscule tongue. "She's so perfect," Kendall observes, and he's crying hard now, trying not to and failing.
"I'm sorry, guys, but I have to proceed now. Nurse?" Dr. B says, and one of the ladies in the room takes the baby away.
Logan goes back to holding Kendall's hand, smattering random kisses across his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his eyes. And it's so much neither of them can hold it in.
Kendall starts to bleed. A lot. But they had anticipated this so they are ready. The bad part is, Kendall passes out and they make Logan leave the room.
So he's sent to wait. Wait and think.
Later on, Logan sits by Kendall's bed and waits on him to wake up. He's fine, three units of blood and dozens of stitches later. He's a little broken, but he'll get better. He always does.
As Kendall wakes, Logan moves closer, takes his hand. "Logan?" He's groggy, hands immediately going to his, now deflated, stomach. His face shifts into an expression so painful, Logan can't help but crawl into bed next to him, gently tugging Kendall into his arms.
"She okay?" Kendall asks, his voice quiet and rough.
"She's fine. Better than fine. Clean bill of health. Dr. B said she had one of the best Apgar scores he's ever seen."
"D-did Nate and Heath get here yet?"
"Yes," Logan answers simply.
"What did they name her?"
Kendall laughs. "Hopeless romantics, those two."
"I know right?"
"I love it," Kendall says, rolling over to face Logan.
"Logan, do you think… I mean, would we be able, to, you know…keep her, maybe?" Kendall asks, and Logan knows this isn't what Kendall needs.
"Kendall, you'll have your time to be a dad, the right time. And you'll be amazing and perfect and fun. The time just isn't now, and I know you know that." Logan pushes Kendall's hair from his face, kisses the tears seeping from the corners of his eyes.
Kendall nods. "I know, I know. I just didn't know it would hurt this much." He buries his face against Logan's chest, the sound of his sobs filling the room, echoing off the corners. After several moments, he goes quiet.
"You're the pregnant one next time," Kendall says, and he actually laughs.
Logan lifts Kendall's chin, presses a sweet kiss against his lips, sweat and sorrow flavoring Kendall's mouth. "As if," Logan answers. "We're finding a surrogate."
Kendall gives Logan a frail smile. "Hey, does this mean we're gay?"
Logan can't help the boisterous laugh that escapes him. "Does it matter?"
"No, I guess not." He snuggles into Logan's chest again. "But, are you gay?"
"I don't know, Kendall. Maybe."
"Because you sure seemed gay a few days ago when I had my dick in your—"
"Shut up, Kendall."
And, in that moment, they both know they've grown up.
Kendall forwards the picture message to Logan. Juliet's first adventure with solid food the caption reads, the picture featuring a beautiful brown-eyed, dark haired baby smiling, covered in something green. Kendall chuckles at the spoon hanging from her mouth.
It turns out, Nate is Griffin's nephew. Crazy, right? He looked so familiar because he'd been at some of their functions before. It makes it easy to stay in touch.
When Juliet was born, Kendall wasn't sure if he'd be able to have anything to do with her, thinking the pain of separation would always be sharp as a knife in his back. It's quite the opposite. Each picture he receives, each letter, each visit to the playground heals him a little bit more. It's the same for Logan, Kendall is sure.
"Awww," Logan coos when he sees the picture. "She's so adorable. Oh, I can't wait to visit again."
"She looks just like you, Logie."
"Whatever. She has your dimples," Logan retorts.
"We both have dimples."
"Ooh, you'll pay for that one, Mitchell!" Kendall exclaims, launching himself onto the couch Logan sits, tickling him into submission.
"You know what?" Logan asks.
"What?" Kendall replies.
"Being grown up isn't so bad."
"How do you figure that?" Kendall props his chin on Logan's chest. Logan's eyes move across his face, memorize each dimple, scar and freckle as though Kendall might disappear any moment.
"I get to make sweet love to my boyfriend whenever I want," Logan says, wagging his eyebrows while speaking the cheesy statement. Kendall laughs, digging his chin into Logan's sternum, the other boy wincing at the pain.
"Oh, really?" Kendall mocks. "Show me?"
"I'd love to."
So Logan does.