Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but JK Rowling is kind enough to allow us to play in her universe. Just don't ever show her this story, because she might change her mind.
Preface: This is the first story I ever publicly shared with anybody, fanfiction or otherwise! I took a break from A Curse of Truth to write this because my muse insisted on getting this wacky plot bunny down on virtual paper. Plus, I had been feeling a little exposed, not having any stories posted on my account yet despite being a member for a couple months and having written a couple hundred thousand words of fanfiction. Anyway, enjoy, and let me know what you think and/or if you find any errors. Thanks!
Updated 8 November 2012 for mismatched tenses and other grammatical errors.
A Kiss of Clichéd Proportions
Harry lifted his head off his pillow and went to grab his glasses, but then he noticed his right arm was pinned to the bed and had fallen asleep for lack of circulation. When he went to rub the sleep out of his eyes with his other arm, he found that completely numb as well. As the fog of sleep lifted, he realized the sides of his head were tickled by hair that was not his own. That was when he remembered the unbelievable events of the past two days.
It had all started with a kiss. Not just any kiss, mind, but a kiss he never expected.
"Harry," Hermione said suddenly.
He looked up from his battered and well-worn copy of Advanced Potion Making. He was surprised to be interrupted; usually Hermione was hounding him to study more, and it was even a Saturday! "Hmm?"
"Since Ron is busy with Lavender trying to suck each others' faces off, I've realized something. He's an idiot, and I love you. You love me, too, but you don't realize it. Even though I've never really been described as pretty, the actress who plays me is, so therefore you think I'm beautiful, even if I don't."
"Nothing. Here, let me show you something." With that, Hermione stood and walked over to him seductively, despite Harry's certainty that she had never tried such a thing in her entire life. She gently removed his glasses, ran her hands tenderly through his messy hair, and pulled him into a deep, wonderful kiss. Harry heard a choir of angels singing as the pair bathed in a rich, warm golden light.
"What was that?" Harry asked in awe.
"I've read about this! Even though I had read every book in the Hogwarts curriculum and still couldn't tell you to use a simple Bubblehead Charm for the Second Task two years ago, I know this. We've just created a Soul Bond. There might be six billion people on Earth, but clearly you are the only person meant for me."
"But you are not the only person meant for him," a familiar melodious voice from the portrait hole said. Harry looked up to find Luna Lovegood smiling at them. "It's about time you kissed, you've put this off for far too long."
"How did you get in here and why are Susan Bones and Daphne Greengrass with you?" Hermione asked curiously, not too concerned about what the scraggly blonde Ravenclaw had implied a moment earlier.
"Let me show you," Luna said, also walking up to Harry seductively and kissing him square on the lips. The same angelic choir sang down upon them as they were bathed in a golden light.
Harry looked up dumbly at what just happened, while Hermione just watched with a knowing smile on her face.
"Hi, Harry," the redheaded Susan said, stepping around Luna as she backed away with a serene smile on her face. "I've never spoken to you, but I love you and I want to have your babies." With that, Susan kissed him thoroughly to the same song and light as before.
"Hi, Harry," the raven-black-haired Daphne said. "I'm the Ice Queen of Slytherin and even though I've never spoken to you either and would never let my guard down around anyone else, I love you." Daphne kissed him thoroughly while they bathed in light and song one last time.
"Congratulations, Harry, you have four wives," Hermione said with a smile. "Also, even though I've never had any sexual experiences, I know for a fact that we're all bisexual and we won't be jealous of each other or any other women you might sleep with just for fun. And even though we are merely teenagers and extremely horny ones at that, we will never look at another male for the rest of our lives. We love you and we love each other."
"I agree," the other three said in unison.
"Let's go to Gringotts," Luna said.
"Just call Dobby," Hermione said patiently. "He's actually your House Elf and could have made everything better, including simply Apparating to the Department of Mysteries and verifying that Sirius wasn't actually there, but apparently that's not suspenseful enough."
Daphne sighed in exasperation. "Just call him."
"Yes, Harry Potter, sir? You called for Dobby, sir? The Great Harry Potter-"
"Zip it, Dobs," Daphne said shortly.
Hermione took it from there. "We know, he's the Great Harry Potter sir, yadda yadda yadda. We need to get to Gringotts."
"O-okay Harry Potter's Grangy..."
"No no, I'm Hermione Potter now," she corrected him. "Even though I've always been a driven, goal-oriented Muggleborn and wouldn't even entertain getting married until my career is well under way, I am happily subservient to Harry and happy in my polygynous marriage. Anyway, no more words, let's go."
Daphne quickly cut him off. "Less words, more Elf-Apparating!"
Dobby cowered but nodded, tentatively reaching out to take the newlyweds' hands. The group squeezed through space before they appeared in the Gringotts Atrium. Moments later a full complement of goblins in full battle dress, followed by one with a little drum set keeping cadence, entered the Atrium. At their head marched a goblin decked out in pure gold armor, despite gold being quite soft and therefore a horrible choice for protective wear. "Greetings, Lord and Ladies Potter, I am Director Ragnok, Grand Emperor of the goblin world. I am completely formal, and yet I insist you call me Ragnok instead of the title I make everybody else use."
"Greetings, Ragnok," Harry said in the gravelly, harsh language of gobbledygook. "May your gold and your enemies' blood flow freely."
This stunned everybody within earshot, including Harry. Dobby popped away in fear of Harry's strange voice.
"What the hell was that?" Susan asked.
"I have no idea," Harry said. "Anyway, Ragnok, I am English and therefore also normally quite formal, but I insist you call me Harry."
"Very well, Harry, come with me, if you please."
Harry, Hermione, Luna, Susan, and Daphne are led through labyrinthine and entirely pointless passages meant to impress and frighten visitors. They reached an ornate and intricately carved set of gilded doors which Ragnok opened with a touch. Inside the Hogwarts students gaped at the enormous room, most of which is empty except for a relatively large desk with an enormous throne on one side and five normal-sized but still opulent chairs on the other.
"Come, Harry, Ladies Potter, I have taken the liberty of laying out various forms and other documents related to your new status." The six of them took a seat; though Ragnok had to climb a set of steps to reach his. "First, Harry, a listing of the Potter real estate holdings. Potter manor is the largest and most heavily warded manor house in the United Kingdom. Your parents chose not to live there for some completely contrived and hardly believable reason. You also own several small islands and manors in most former and current British colonies." Ragnok placed that stack of parchment in front of Harry before continuing. "Those are, of course, due to you being the uncontested heir for the Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter. The most recent Head of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black has also named you his sole heir, and as your wife, Lady Susan Potter, was set to become the Head of the Most Noble House of Bones, you now have these further real estate holdings."
When a thin stream of drool escaped Harry's gaping maw, Hermione slid the parchments over to herself.
"Now, before we get into your business and other account holdings, we will perform a Magical Inheritance test. Despite being hopelessly behind Muggles in the field of genetics we can trace your entire ancestry with a single drop of blood, placed here." Ragnok indicated a circle inscribed on a sheet of what appears to be blank parchment. "Ladies Potter, since you are all Soul-Bonded, you may add your own blood so Harry may accept all Lordships to which he is entitled."
Harry pricked his finger with the proffered knife and squeezed out a drop within the circle, and his family name started to appear. Hermione added hers shortly after, followed by Daphne, Susan, and Luna. The group watched the names start to appear.
Most Ancient and Noble House of Potter
Most Ancient and Noble House of Black (B)
Most Ancient and Noble House of Bones (M)
House Gaunt (C)
House Smith (PC)
House Argyle (PC)
House Lerner (PC)
"What do the letters mean?" Susan asked as the names suffixed with (PC) continued to appear.
"B means the House was Bequeathed to Harry, C means the House is his by Conquest. PC means the House is his by Previous Conquest. In this case, since Harry defeated the Gaunt Heir, he may choose to revive any lines that the latter ended. M means the House is his by Marriage."
"That's a lot of lines," Hermione said as they watched the list of minor Houses pass double digits.
"Your so-called Dark Lord has sealed many vaults over the years," the goblin said darkly.
"Why wouldn't he claim them for himself?" Daphne asked, perplexed.
Ragnok smiled, showing a mouthful of pointed teeth. "Can you imagine him submitting to this test?"
"His blood is no longer his own, anyway," Luna said ominously, sending shivers down the spines of the others.
Harry still said nothing, he merely watched the names appear. After two dozen or so, they stopped.
"Wow, that's a lot of-" Hermione began.
"It is not finished yet, Lady Potter," Ragnok interrupted. "It is working back through the Houses by time of death of the last direct heir, so you will see-"
Sure enough, more names continued to appear.
"Well, we knew that was going to-" Hermione began, but then her eyes bugged out of her head at the next ones.
The six of them stared unblinkingly at the parchment as the flash that signified its completion faded from their eyes.
Suddenly, Ragnok stood on his enormous throne and knelt to them, then all of his accompanying warriors followed his lead. "My liege, how may I be of service?"
"My lord, through your bond you have inherited dominion over the goblins. This is not known outside of the goblin nation, but as of the last Goblin Civil War all British goblins are of clan Pendragon. There has not been a Lord Pendragon since Arthur, and we had thought the human line died out when his half-sister Morgan le Fay died without human children."
"Human children?" Hermione asked, eyes bugging out of her head.
"Oh yes, Granny Morgan was a perfect metamorphmagus, and as such had sex with pretty much every magical creature she could find. When she gave birth to my grandfather, he quickly became the Grand Emperor since he had magic when no others did. We all descend from her, my liege. And so does one of the Ladies Potter. You might also note that you now have dominion over all House Elves through one of your lady wives." At their blank expressions, Ragnok gives a raspy chuckle. "Just like goblins, all elves in Britain have the surname House. I'm not sure if any wizards or witches realize that's why House Elves is always capitalized. It's like saying Potter Heir."
Four of the five humans sat back, completely stupefied by these developments, but Luna spoke up after a thoughtful pause. "That actually answers a lot of questions about my family."
"And of course you are directly descended from Merlin, the Peverell brothers - specifically Ignotus, but the other lines are extinct, Godric Gryffindor, and all that jazz," Ragnok said as if that were unimportant. "Now that your full lineage is known, we can gather any additional properties that you may have inherited and prepare a full portfolio of your business and liquid account holdings."
Right on cue a goblin entered and scurried to the desk before he knelt next to the throne. Apparently, despite only finding out a few minutes ago the Houses of which Harry was now Head, the goblin had already finished the report. Harry would have given his thanks to the creature, but since it was on the other side of the desk he could not be sure if the goblin was even there anymore.
"Let's see," Ragnok said, opening the sizable report, "it appears you own approximately 87% of magical Britain, including Hogwarts, Gringotts, St. Mungo's, the entire village of Hogsmeade and significant portions of Diagon Alley. The only business there of which you didn't inherit at least a piece is Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes, since they're new, but for some odd reason they've actually been depositing a third of their profits into an account under your name."
"I gave them their seed money," Harry said with his brows furrowed,"but why would they do that?"
"I don't know, they would make horrible goblins, that's for sure," Ragnok said. "It doesn't matter, anyway. Harry, with all of your inheritances you have infinity galleons."
"Wait, what?" Hermione asked.
"Oh yes, you literally can not ever run out of galleons, Harry. You have infinity galleons."
"That doesn't even make sense!" Daphne exclaimed.
"It's okay, my love, it doesn't have to," Luna said, patting Daphne on the arm.
"Also," Ragnok said, "you have seven standing marriage contracts, not counting the ones you already had for the former Ms. Greengrass, Ms. Bones, and Ms. Lovegood. Oddly enough, the Lovegood contract names you two specifically, despite having been written two hundred years ago."
Luna smiled broadly at Harry, but his brain was too broken to notice.
"Seven?" Hermione asked incredulously.
"Oh, don't worry, Hermione. Harry will have thirteen exclusive wives by this time next year," Luna said happily. "But there's only one more he'll have a Soul-Bond with. Although, she's less of a...er...normal woman, and more of a sentient castle."
Susan gasped and then squealed loudly. "Will I get to take care of baby castles? Oh Luna, tell me there'll be baby castles!"
"What does that even mean?" Hermione asked.
"It means we should go back to Hogwarts," Luna said.
"Are we done here?" Daphne asked, looking at Ragnok.
The gold-bedecked goblin shrugged. "You tell me, Harry, you're the boss."
Harry was busy staring off into space, drooling onto his lap.
"Yes, I think we're done," Hermione said. "Dobby!"
The House Elf popped into the Grand Emperor's office and bowed low. "The Great Missuses Potter called?"
"Yes, Dobby. Take us back to Hogwarts."
"I shall take you to your new quarters, milady," Dobby answered in a low, cool voice. Harry's head snapped up at Dobby's strange voice to find the House Elf dressed in some bizarre livery, but Harry just shrugged. Dobby's new attire and manner of speech was not the strangest thing to happen today. Not by a long shot.
With a small pop, they were taken to their new quarters. They were extremely large and lavish, decked out with furniture and trappings - rooms that made absolutely no sense to maintain in a place where they would so rarely be used. Luna grabbed Harry's hand and made straight for the master bedroom, where he and the other wives gaped openly at the enormous four-poster bed.
"Me second!" Luna announced happily.
"Wait, why would you claim second?" Susan asked.
"Because he Bonded with me second," Luna said.
"So why bother claiming the order at all?" Daphne asked.
The smallest of the four wives shrugged. "It seemed like the proper thing to do."
"Me first!" Hermione said.
"Me third!" Susan said.
"Me fourth," Daphne said sadly.
"But not last," another woman's voice said. Suddenly the room flashed a brilliant white light, then coalesced into the figure of a beautiful woman. The light faded to reveal a tall, fair-skinned young woman with long, wavy, perfectly white hair that clashed with her smooth and unblemished skin. "Hello, my sisters," the woman said, "it has been far too long since I have been able to take this form."
"Lady Hogwarts," Luna said, smiling, "it is wonderful to meet you at last." The diminutive blonde walked up to the statuesque woman and pulled her into a deep kiss.
"And you, Lady Luna," the woman said, returning the smile.
Harry didn't hear the loud thump his body made as he fainted, but he woke up to the most pleasant sensation of being kissed and caressed by his first wife. "Welcome back, Harry," Hermione said with a smile. "You really, really don't want to miss this part."
She and Lady Hogwarts helped him up, and the latter took his head into her hands and initiated the final Soul-Bond with a kiss. The angels did not stop singing as the other wives joined in, and the golden light pulsed and reverberated through the castle when each of them coupled for the first time. When they completed the full Soul-Bond with Harry making love to Hogwarts, the light exploded from the windows of their quarters. So strong was the effect of the love pouring through the bond that the five humans fell immediately unconscious as a glowing Hogwarts cradled them tenderly. The six of them didn't leave their new quarters for a day and a half, and the four human girls thought it most unfair that Hogwarts did not have to sleep, eat, or relieve herself at all.
So it was that Harry found himself lying in bed, arms asleep, as the early Monday morning light filtered through the drawn curtains. As the world resolved itself into perfect clarity, Harry realized that his eyesight had been fixed at some point in the last two days, though he could not recall when. He looked to his right to find Hermione's head resting over his shoulder, her face buried in his neck. A thin, pale arm with purple nail polish was draped strategically over Hermione's nude upper body, and over the bushy tangles of brown hair Harry could see scattered waves of Luna's scraggly blonde. He couldn't see much of the tiny Ravenclaw, but he could hear her humming contentedly with each deep exhale. Beyond Luna was Hogwarts, smiling warmly at him as her arm slowly and steadily moved up and down. Harry couldn't see it directly, but he knew she was caressing Luna tenderly as she slept. Harry turned his head to the left to a similar sight, though the lithe, raven-haired Slytherin was on her back and partially on top of him. Hermione's arm crossed Harry's body to rest on Daphne's right arm, which extended right down the center of his body, disappearing under the sheet. Susan was on her side almost on top of Daphne, her left leg covering Daphne's left, and Susan's left arm draped all the way across Daphne's chest to rest on his own. The Hufflepuff's sizable bust was the only one immediately visible, which Harry took some time to admire once again. His wives, he found, enjoyed them just as much as he did.
For a split second Harry wondered how he would ever extricate himself from the tangle of limbs, but he immediately realized what a foolish thought that was. He just wished he could figure out where his hands were. As he tried to work them and shift slightly to get some feeling back in them, his wives began to stir. Hogwarts lifted her ethereal form upward, and Harry started when he realized she appeared to be fading. His gasp jolted his other wives awake.
"It's time to get dressed and ready for breakfast and your Monday morning classes, my husband and sisters, and on top of that I think you'll want to go see our handiwork," Lady Hogwarts said with a brilliant, glowing smile. "I was sustained through our bond, but I must rest. I will return to you all very soon." With a final kiss for her five Bond-mates, Lady Hogwarts disappeared in a flash of white light similar to the one in which she appeared.
"By the way," Hogwarts voice sounded in their heads, "you are all now animagi with unlimited forms, including dragons and phoenixes with their full magical abilities. Not that it matters, I just wanted to inform you." The five students shrugged and then went and bathed playfully before heading down to breakfast, where they got the shock of their lives.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some wonderful news to share with you all, though it comes with its share of bad. First of all, the speculation in yesterday's Daily Prophet has been verified: the man who called himself Lord Voldemort has been defeated." Harry's mouth dropped open, and the expression was mirrored on all of his wives as a vast majority of the student population stood and cheered raucously for a full minute before Dumbledore could calm everybody down and continue. "Unfortunately, in the same as yet unknown attack, we lost some of our own. Our Potions master Professor Snape, Draco Malfoy, and a number of your previous classmates were among them."
"Everybody who had the Dark Mark," somebody at the Gryffindor table said aloud, which caused another round of applause.
Harry and his wives had immediately come to the same conclusion: their Bonding did it.
"It did," Hogwarts happy voice sounded in their heads. "The manner in which we destroyed the Horcrux in Harry caused a chain reaction, first shattering the other Horcruxes and then Voldemort himself. He foolishly bound all of his Death Eaters with a variant of the Protean Charm that allowed the Death Eaters to live as long as he lived. Unfortunately for them, that means they died as soon as he did. That was awfully convenient, wasn't it?"
Harry blanched at the implication that he was a Horcrux, but his discomfort was short-lived. His heart soared at the thought that he was free. He was finally free from the prophecy, and nobody except the six Bond-mates knew it was the Boy-Who-Lived that saved the wizarding world once again. Or, rather, it was he and his wives that defeated the monster that was Tom Riddle once and for all. He looked at Hermione, who caught the look in his eyes and smiled widely. They were going back to their quarters, and they weren't coming out for a long time.
19 centuries later
"Come on children, it's time to go see your ancestors," an old but still spry and apparently middle-aged Harry said for the one thousand, eight hundred and seventy-eighth time.
A cacophonous chorus of, "yes, grandpa," was echoed by his six hundred and forty-three descendants attending Mother Hogwarts this year.
The children - boys and girls of all sizes, shapes, and colors - filed into the same, crappy old steam engine led train with final hugs and kisses from their more immediate family. Harry stepped back and put his arms around his four Bond-mates, who were all teary-eyed as they saw the boys and girls who reminded them of their long deceased children and grandchildren and their grandchildrens' grandchildren, as well as Harry's non-Bonded wives that did not receive the extended lifespan the others did from Bonding with Hogwarts.
As the train pulled away, Hermione mentally set the teleportation coordinates to their eternal quarters in the original Hogwarts to return to their final Bond-mate and let her know her next group of students were safely on their way. The world shifted around them and in a flash Hogwarts appeared before them to embrace them all, still young as the day they first Bonded, and still as in love as ever.
And they lived happily ever after. Literally ever after, because they magically transferred their consciousnesses to silicon-based constructs that ran on their own magic so they could survive when, hundreds of millions of years later, the Sun boiled all of the oceans and reduced everything on Earth to sand.