The Golden Girls Do North Korea
Scene 1: You Can Teach Old Dogs...
Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche are all sitting around the kitchen table drinking coffee as Rose happily ambles in.
Rose: Girls, you're never gonna guess what I have to say!
Sophia: You finally grew a brain?
Rose: No, Sophia. I've won a big prize in a contest.
Blanche: Goody, goody. I guess Rose really can serve a purpose. All these years y'all were sayin' that Rose was a pea-brained buffoon, and what did I tell ya? It finally paid off.
Dorothy: What exactly did you win, Rose?
Rose: Well, I don't really know. The funny thing is, I don't really remember entering any contests lately. I just went to get the mail, and a letter came from the "Koryo Tours." Look, girls.
Dorothy: Let me see. It says that you and 3 guests are invited to attend an interview for consumer reports purposes. A prize then will be awarded to all of us. Sounds like a scam to me.
Sophia: Yeah, probably is one.
Blanche: I don't know, Dorothy. It sounds kinda interestin'. Maybe it'll be fun if we could all go in and see what that prize is. I mean, surely it might be a scam, and surely it might not be. Come on, girls. It'll be excitin'.
Rose: Yeah, Dorothy. Live a little! Let's just see what it's all about.
Dorothy: I...I guess it wouldn't hurt to just to go and inquire what the prize is.
Blanche: That's the spirit, Dorothy. We'll have a good 'ole time.
Scene 2: Where The Hell Is That?
The girls walk into a quaint office building downtown, garbed in raincoats and ponchos from the storm raging outside. Lightning flashes and the downpour continues. A short, bald Asian man issues from a side door into a small reception room. The girls stand there sopping wet.
Asian Man: Hello kind radies. Prease, take a seat. I exprain something really important for you...opportunity that you like very much.
Blanche: I've never done Asian before. Now, maybe a little stir fry would make me "like very much."
Sophia: Wow. Couldn't last 3 hours, could you, Blanche?
Asian Man: Radies, prease, sit down now and I tell you what your prize is.
Rose: I got a letter Mr...
Asian Man: Just call me...Mr. Man.
Sophia: How original.
Rose: Yeah, Mr. Man. I got a letter from you. How exactly did you get my name and address?
Asian Man: That not important. What important is new opportunity. Great trip. You and your friends win big, nice, all-expenses paid trip to beautiful DPRK.
Blanche: Where the hell is that?
Asian Man: Most people here know it as North Korea. Very preasant place.
Dorothy: Are you kidding? We are talking about the same North Korea, aren't we? The same North Korea with the famine, the crazy dictator, and the brainwashed people?
Rose: That doesn't sound too present to me.
Sophia: Pleasant, you bird brain.
Blanche: Why the hell would we want to go there, Mr. Man? Ain't it communist over there or whatever?
Asian Man: You no see, radies. North Korea pretty, pretty prace. Changing all the time. Very interesting. Vely nice.
Blanche: What's the catch, then?
Asian Man: No catch, just enjoy. You no pay nothing. Just, let's say, do small survey interview if-I mean when you get back here.
Dorothy: I don't know. It just sounds really weird to me.
Sophia: When do you ever get to go anywhere? It's not like you have a date every night, pussycat. At least it's somewhere.
Rose: I think it sounds fun. Yay! What an adventure! Hoo ha hoo ha wee wee hee!
Sophia: Okay, Rose. You're kinda getting carried away. Keep it down.
Blanche: Guess I could go over there. See how those rugged, boozin' commie Asian men are and everything.
Dorothy: Are you all sure? I still don't know.
Asian Man: Come on. Free, free, free! All expense paid vacation tour of North Korea.
Rose: Remember what I said, Dorothy? Live a little! Haha!
Sophia: Shut up, Rose! Getting a little annoying...
Dorothy: If you all want to go so much, I don't see why not.
Asian Man: Gleat! I give you here these ticket for tour and all I need is your passport. I contact you in two weeks with your visas. You have fun, fun, happy trip.
Dorothy: Good thing your letter told us to bring our passports.
Rose: Yeah, good thing your letter told us to bring our passports!
Sophia pops Rose in the face.
Sophia: I told ya to shut up.
Dorothy: Well, girls. Let's give Mr. Man our passports.
Asian Man: We contact you vely shortry.
The girls leave the room as Mr. Man wrings his hands with a calculating grin.
Scene 3: Black Out!
The girls arrive in Pyongyang, North Korea. They walk skeptically together down the tarmac path to the airport.
Blanche: Now, that was the longest flight I have ever been on.
Dorothy: And what a weird in-flight movie. I never thought that I would see a movie worse than a Hallmark film, but "Kill the Imperialists" topped it by far.
Sophia: I'm hungry. I also gotta go sit on the crapper. Hopefully, they have some clean commodes here.
Rose: I feel...jumpy and hoppy-dop doppy.
Sophia: No one cares how you feel, Rose.
A prim, female tour guide with a celluloid smile approaches the girls in the airport entrance waiting room.
Mrs. Pak: Hello. My name Mrs. Pak and I am tour guide for you. We see DPRK together all the time and hope that you find happiness with your trip.
Dorothy: Why, hello Mrs. Pak. I am Dorothy, and this is my mother Sophia. These are my best friends Rose and Blanche. I can speak for all of us when we say we are very happy to make your acquaintance and visit your country.
Mrs. Pak: Yes. I very happy to make your acquaintance too. Are you man?
Dorothy: Excuse me?
Mrs. Pak: Are you man? You know, man?
Sophia: I've asked the same question.
Dorothy: No, I am not a man. I am a woman, a very beautiful, charming woman.
Mrs. Pak: Oh, I so sorry. I didn't know. We make those calculations later.
Dorothy: Come again?
Blanche: No, last night I did, though.
Rose: I've always liked Korean food. Do you like Kimchi?
Mrs. Pak: Oh yes. Kolean people love it so.
Blanche: You mean that stuff that looks like what comes out of my hokey pokey?
Sophia: Spare us the details, Blanche. I gotta unload a dump. Do you got a toilet around here someplace?
Mrs. Pak: Oh yes. You have at your hotel. First, you must go through customs. This way.
Mrs. Pak leads the girls to the customs check. Two guards eye Blanche suspiciously.
Blanche: Dorothy, Dorothy! Look at those two eying me! They probably have never seen such a nubile, salacious beauty in their whole life. Oh, this is just like playing monopoly. I got 'em all for myself.
Guard 1: You unload you bag, now!
Blanche: Me? Why certainly, honey. Here you go.
The guards dump all of Blanche's possessions onto the table and fling around her clothes and cosmetics.
Blanche: You don't have to throw my things like that!
Guard 2: We look. We look. You advised to let us do us job.
Blanche: Well, I never! How brusque. I'm gettin' wet already.
Guard 1: You have mobile?
Guard 2: You have mobile?
Guard 1: You have mobile?
Blanche: No, I don't have a mobile phone. Why would I take a mobile phone here?
Guard 1: You have mobile?
Guard 2: You have mobile?
Blanche: I said NO!
Guard 1: What this?
Dorothy and Sophia look with chagrin at the guards pointing at a long, plastic phallus lying on top of Blanche's nighty. Rose looks in dazed confusion back and forth at the girls' serious expressions.
Rose: Yeah, Blanche. What is that?
Blanche: How do I explain to them what it is, Dorothy?
Dorothy: You brought a dildo in your bag with you to North Korea?
Blanche: Don't look at me like that, Dorothy! I was afraid that I would get lonely on the plane or in the hotel room. I guess I didn't really think about it posing a problem until now.
Sophia: Just tell 'em Blanche.
Rose: Oh, this is a microphone! Let me show you how it works!
Rose quickly picks up the dildo and shoves it up to her mouth. She starts to sing karaoke as the North Korean customs agents look at her as if she is the most retarded person on the planet.
Blanche: What are you doin', Rose? Stop it!
Rose: Don't worry, girls. I got you covered.
Rose starts to dance and shimmy across the floor with the dildo in her hand, singing "Knock Three Times."
Rose: This is a microphone, see? It's used for practicing how to sing. We use this in America to practice performing.
Sophia: Yeah, performing in other ways, too.
Rose: Sometimes, if you really want to be silly, we use it to play cops and robbers.
Rose then points the dildo at one of the customs agents, smiling innocently as if she were playing a game.
Rose: Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! Heeheehee.
Just then, one of the guards takes out his semiautomatic and shoots Rose in the chest three times. After each successive shot, Rose rhythmically whirls round and round, appearing like she is dancing. The guards grunt and shout while the girls look in horrified astonishment. Rose falls to the floor, fusses, and spits blood.
Rose: Ugh. Ugh. What? What? I...Girls?
The girls run and crouch to hold Rose in their arms.
Dorothy: Rose! Don't try to speak.
Blanche: Why did you aim that dildo at them like that, you dope?
Sophia: Rose, you really are an idiot, but the times we shared were fun!
Dorothy: Rose, we are going to go to the embassy and tell them everything that happened here. We won't let this go unheard.
Blanche: There's one 'lil problem with that, Dorothy. There is no American embassy in North Korea. I was reading about it in the newspaper at the airport before we left. I can't believe you didn't know that, Dorothy. You're supposed to be the smart one.
Dorothy: What? No American embassy? What the hell are we gonna do?
Sophia: We can either laugh, like those North Koreans over there, or cry. I think I'm gonna laugh, because if you can't win 'em, join 'em. As for the embassy business, think about how we're gonna get outta here alive first. Hopefully, they'll let us leave the country. So, you girls don't make a scene. Put on a smile and pretend that they made a good decision. I know it'll work, because I used to live in a totalitarian country like this one. Picture it: Italy 1940. Mussolini!
Dorothy: Ma's got a point. That stupid thing Rose just did could cost us our lives.
Blanche: Yeah. You shit-for-brains, Rose.
Rose: Girls, I, I, I, I'm sorry. There's a light...
Sophia: Well, sorry's not good enough this time. Bye, Rose.
Dorothy: Bye, hon. I'm sorry, too.
Blanche: I never really liked her anyway.
The girls quickly get up and dust themselves off. They all put on ear-to-ear smiles and laugh as if nothing had happened.
Guard 1: She was aggressor to us. She used weapon!
Guard 2: Yes. She act like enemy!
Dorothy: We totally understand, sir. You did what you had to do. Our friend was not trying to harm you, she was just not that bright, you know, in the head. She was trying to show you how she uses that object you found in my friend's bag, as a game, you see?
Guard 1: A game? Bang, bang, bang. What is game?
Guard 2: Oh, game. Funny.
Mrs. Pak rushes over and shouts at the guards. She speaks with them for sometime and then turns her attention to the girls.
Mrs. Pak: A big misunderstanding. You see, we don't take such behavior flippantly here in DPRK. The guards must take precautions and follow protocol at such times.
Blanche: Water under the bridge, honey. We apologize for our friend. Like we were telling the guards, she wasn't a very smart person. She was pretty stupid. Hahahaha!
Mrs. Pak: I could tell. She looked a bit...what is the word...mentally deficient! You won't find any such people in our country, though.
Dorothy: Just tell the guards that everything is okay, and that we understand and agree with their actions completely. It was a big misunderstanding.
Mrs. Pak speaks with the guards and then nods decisively.
Mrs. Pak: Since you are so cooperative, the customs has agreed to let you into DPRK to go on with your true. How great we can still tour together! An officer will come to hotel and ask you a few questions, and then you ladies must sign form. Very simple.
Sophia: Oh yes. No problem. This is such a beautiful country, and you were doing everything possible to make sure it is safe.
Mrs. Pak: Now, let's get on the bus to drive into Pyongyang, and have tour on the way to hotel.
Dorothy (Whispers to other girls): Guess this happens all the time.
Sophia: All I know is, I got a dump inside of me bigger than a football! Let's go!
The girls board the bus and drive off onto the desolate road as they watch the spot where Rose's body lay only a few moment before, disappear in the distance.
Scene 4: Got Bugs?
Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche are settling into their hotel room. Blanche takes in the vista from the window as Sophia rushes around the room looking behind picture frames and under the furniture. Dorothy takes a piss in the bathroom. Blanche looks away from the window at Sophia is perplexity.
Blanche: Just what are you doin' Sophia?
Sophia: I'm looking for bugs. You know, I would expect at least half a dozen to be in here, monitoring us.
Blanche: Why, I don't think they would go through all the trouble.
Sophia: What the hell is this, then?
Sophia pushes a small metallic cartridge in Blanche's face.
Sophia: I found it pasted under the bed. They're listening.
Blanche: It's probably just one of them bolts or whatever that holds the bed together, Sophia.
Sophia: Sure, the next thing you're gonna say is that the reason why they took our passports is a friendly gesture.
Blanche: I just don't know, Sophia. Saying that stuff is making me real paranoid. Where's Dorothy?
Sophia: On the John.
Blanche: I still can't believe that Rose got shot like that. Wow, will I have a story to tell at the Rusty Anchor when I get home.
Sophia: If you get home. Are you all right in there, Dorothy? You've been in there a long time?
Dorothy: I'm fine. I'm just trying to figure out what this little metal thing is doing in the toilet bowl.
Sophia saunters into the bathroom and nonchalantly digs her fingers into the toilet bowl with crap in it and pulls out the metal cartridge.
Dorothy: Ma, get outta here!
Sophia: It's a bug, Dorothy. They're listening to us, although the one that was in the toilet looks like it has a lens. They were watching you pinch a loaf.
Dorothy: I...I don't believe it. That can't be. Why would they want to watch me...doing that?
Sophia: That's a really good question. Probably scare tactic propaganda would be my guess, and boy can they make a statement with you.
Dorothy: All of this is just a lot to take in, Ma. One of my best friends was just murdered by these people, and I'm pretending that it was nothing just to save my own neck.
Sophia: Dorothy, you gotta do what you gotta do. We're in a tough spot right now, and trying to fight with these people won't make our chances of getting out any better. We're in their country now and have to lay low. Most importantly, if you have to throw Blanche under the bus to survive, do it. Always remember that.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm so surprised that you've kept your cool through this whole ordeal. You must have seen some terrible stuff in Europe during the war.
Sophia: Not as bad as the stuff those North Koreans are gonna see when they watch the video of you taking a crap on the pot.
Dorothy: Oh Ma, I love you.
Sophia: I love you too, pussycat. Now get out of the bathroom. I told ya earlier I gotta take a dump. Fortunately, it won't be a taped session.
Blanche: Dorothy, Dorothy! Come here quick!
Dorothy: What is it, Blanche!
Blanche: Those men down there are takin' pictures of me. What did I tell ya'? They've never seen such a beautiful woman in all their life.
Dorothy: I don't think those are secret admirers, Blanche. I think they're...spies.
Blanche: Nonsense. They are looking at me in all of my splendid, feminine glory. Can you blame 'em. I'm divine. I'm smilin' for the camera, honey bunny.
Dorothy: Get in here right now, Blanche. We don't even know what they have planned for us. For all we know, this hotel room could be like a prison until they decide what they're going to do with us.
Blanche: You are so negative all the time, Dorothy. I don't wanna hear it. You're making me age, and I have to be at my most beautiful to inspire some life into these third-world people.
Dorothy: I'm gonna watch TV.
Blanche: Why? All that's on there is Kim Jong whatever visiting hospitals and what not.
Dorothy: Shut up and go look around the hotel, then.
Blanche: I just might. I just might, Dorothy. Huh.
Scene 5: Truth Be Told
Blanche wanders around the hotel in wonder. She enters the bar, and orders a martini. She stares at a tiny aquarium with a large Galapagos turtle swimming inside.
Blanche: (To self) What the hell am I supposed to do in this Godforsaken place? I guess all there is to do is get soused. Bartender, is there anything fun do around here like, I don't even know why I'm asking this, a casino or somethin'?
Bartender: No English. No English. Just liquor.
Blanche: Oh geez.
Then, an old, white man with a toothless grin takes a seat beside Blanche.
Old Man: If you really want to know, there is a casino in the basement of this hotel that the Chinese operate. It's probably one of the only exceptions that are allowed around here in such political circumstances.
Blanche. Why thank you! I just think I might mosey on down there and see what laughs I can have tonight.
Old Man: Just be careful. Don't go where you shouldn't. I learned the hard way.
Blanche: What do you mean, Mr.?
Old Man: Just don't go where you shouldn't. Goodbye, and be well.
The old man leaves and Blanche is left alone at the bar.
Blanche: Geez, that seemed really "The Wizard of Oz"ish to me. Anyway, I think I'm gonna go down there to that Casino and see the lay of the land, or better yet, see if my land can get laid. Oh, Blanche, you're so bad, honey. Huh huh!
Blanche wanders down to the basement of the hotel and finds a Chinese casino with drunk guys playing craps and pulling slots.
Blanche: Oh, my word. There really is a casino here. Guess I can get drunk and laid after all.
Scene 6: Bye Bye Blanche
Sophia and Dorothy are nervously awaiting Blanche's arrival back to their room. Sophia lies down on the bed reading a hotel welcome pamphlet as Dorothy paces around the room.
Dorothy: Where is Blanche? She should have been here hours ago.
Sophia: Who knows? That woman is a mystery. She'll be back.
Dorothy: When, Ma? When hell freezes over? I'm really worried.
Just then a scream issues from outside down the hall.
Blanche: Help! Open the door! Open the door!
Dorothy opens the door and sees Blanche lumbering down the hallway bottom-half naked, drunk and frantic.
Dorothy: Blanche, what the hell is going on?
Blanche: Huh. Huh. Let me catch my breath. Hooo.
Sophia: So she finally came back.
Dorothy: We-I anyway, was really starting to worry about you, Blanche.
Blanche: I just don't know what to say. I'm...at a loss for words.
Dorothy: Calm down, hon. Let me get you a glass of water.
Blanche: No, it's all right. I...I.
Dorothy: Just tell us the whole story from the beginning.
Blanche: Well, I was drinking in the bar, and I learned from a nice old man that they have a casino in the basement of the hotel, can you believe it? Anyway, I went down there, had myself a few drinks, maybe too many, and as soon as I knew it, I was bottomless on top of a craps table singing "The Morning After." The chinks really seemed to like it, but then as soon as I knew it, one of them North Korean goons was eying me, then chasing me down the hallway. Oh, Dorothy. I am so scared and frazzled. Bestill my heart, bestill my heart.
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you have done something so reckless? You know how strict they are here! We haven't even gone on the tour yet!
Blanche: What d'ya expect, Dorothy? I was just trying to get my mind off of everything. What do we do now?
Sophia: More like, what do you do.
Sophia: Shut up y'old crone.
Dorothy: Now, now. Everyone just take it easy. We don't have to worry unless someone knocks on the door.
Just then, a rap at the door.
Blanche: Oh no!
Sophia: They're here!
Blanche: What do we do?
Dorothy: We have to open the door. Blanche, go in the bathroom and I'll try to cover for you.
Sophia: Remember what I said, Pussycat.
Dorothy nods to Sophia and opens the door to reveal two North Korean policeman in the hallway, impatient and irritated.
Policeman 1: Where lady? Where lady? We need see lady now!
Dorothy: She's...she's...she's in the bathroom. TAKE HER NOT ME!
The policeman speak to each other and remove Blanche, still bottomless, kicking and screaming out of the hotel room.
Blanche: NO, NO, NO! Don't let 'em take me. I am Blanche Deveraux. You want me to give ya somethin'? I'll do anything! I'm double jointed. I'll chug your willies. Don't take me! Help me! Help me, Dorothy! Sophia! HELP!
Policeman 2: We need translator. We come back. You wait.
Dorothy shuts the door and heaves a sigh of relief.
Dorothy: Blanche is gone. That leaves the two of us.
Sophia: Ha. Bye bye Blanche!
Scene 7: Into the Night
Dorothy and Sophia are in their hotel room awaiting the policeman to arrive. Sophia is watching TV while Dorothy is reading a romance novel. There is a rap at the door, and Dorothy jumps up from her bed in fright. She slides over to the door, and slowly opens it up. An older man and a younger woman are standing in the hallway.
Mrs. Ho: Hello. My name is Mrs. Ho. I am here to translate for Detective Pak.
Sophia: Is everybody here named Pak?
Mrs. Ho: Oh. So funny. You have great sense of humor Mrs. Petrillo.
Sophia: Thank you. Finally, a compliment from someone.
Mrs. Ho: As we believe, you ladies arrived in our country this afternoon. One of your partners, Rose Nilen was aggressive to customs officers and was shot. Your other partner, Blanche, was just arrested by the people's police for disorderly conduct, indecent exposure, and treason to the state.
Mrs. Ho: Her behavior is inherently treasonous to our great leader Kim Il-Sung, General Kim Jong-Il, and leader Kim Jong-Un. You ladies are in a mess of trouble in our country.
Dorothy: Mrs. Ho, we are deeply sorry for the events that have unfurled. We didn't mean for the two other women traveling with us to act the way they did.
Sophia: Yeah, we're sorry. Please.
Mrs Ho: Mr. Pak says that your friend will be held in jail until her trial. The business with your other friend will also have to be taken care of. We would like you to sign a statement that you never saw what happened at the airport with your friend's death. It was simply an accident that was not the result of gunfire. Will this be possible?
Sophia: Yes. Show me where to sign.
Mrs. Ho: As for your other friend, like I have said, she will be detained until further notice. You will also have to sign a release that we have spoken about her situation.
Dorothy: Will we ever get to see her again?
Mrs. Ho: That can be arranged. Mr. Pak now advises you sign the two documents. Then, you will be released without anymore questioning.
Dorothy: Ma get over here. Sign this.
Sophia: Signed, sealed...and delivered.
Dorothy: There. Is everything all right, then?
Mrs. Ho: Take them!
Policeman rush into the room from out of the blue. They grab Dorothy and Sophia and rush off into the night. The women are ushered outside and locked in the back of a dilapidated truck. Policemen stand and laugh in amusement.
Dorothy: Where are we going? What now?
Sophia: This is the end, Dorothy. Well, guess I never had a night with Warren Beatty, but in the words of the Stones, you can't always get what you want.
Dorothy: Is it a bad time to ask for a hug?
Sophia: Yeah, get off of me you idiot. Does it look like I wanna hug you?
Scene 8: Zoo Show
Sophia and Dorothy are in a cage. They are housed in a North Korean zoo. Both are naked and hunker in embarrassment on top of straw in the corner. North Korean people come and see them, laugh, and poke their fingers through the bars. Some people throw food and gum, others just stand stolid and move along.
Dorothy: Ma, how long has it been since we've been here?
Sophia: No telling. Seems like ages.
Dorothy: Will they ever let us go?
Sophia: Dorothy, no one really knows we're here. We can't contact the embassy. It's like we never existed.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm so sorry.
Sophia: Why are you sorry?
Dorothy: For making you sign those Korean forms we couldn't understand.
Sophia: You didn't know any better.
Dorothy: I have a theory. I think the forms said that we killed Rose and Blanche. They were our confession. Proof of guilt so they could do this to us.
Sophia: Why does it matter, pussycat? I only have to expose my pussycat to these people everyday for the rest of my life to show them what a criminal imperialist aggressor looks like.
Sophia breaks down in tears. Dorothy consoles Sophia and takes her in her arms. People laugh and heckle outside of their cage.
Dorothy: You know that saying "live up to your insult?"
Sophia: No, but I get your drift.
Dorothy: Let's give 'em a show, then.
Sophia: (sniffles) Okay...
Dorothy stands up and starts to run around the cage. Sophia follows suit. They both run around and around in circles flailing their arms and hooting like apes. Sophia squats and squeezes out a sloppy black turd. She flings it at a skinny, witch-like woman's laughing face. Dorothy bends over and starts to urinate all over people's shoes, spraying the cage bars in the process. People scream and run away. Dorothy shouts to the heavens in supplication.
Dorothy: Remember us!
The last thing Sophia and Dorothy remembered, they were holding hands, jumping up and down, letting their cottage cheese rolls flip and flop. Sophia could spy, out of the corner of her eye, men with guns inside of the housing area where the food came out of slots under the door. Among them was Mr. Man. He leered and smiled, coldly, as if his plan was complete. She decided not to say anything. Sophia smiled at Dorothy. Dorothy smiled and winked one last time as she gave an enormous roar at the top of her lungs.