Captain Claustrophobia

The lift jerked to a stop.

"What- What's happening?"

"It would appear that the lift has stopped."

"But we haven't even gone down three floors yet! This is probably about the ninth floor!"

"Oh, hadn't you heard? Parking is now available on the ninth floor. You can park in between those two filing cabinets yonder... but do use caution to avoid the wastepaper bin on your left if you happen to take a moment to view the Mountain of Paperwork forming straight ahead."

"Oh, very funny, Douglas. I would think that you would be a tad more concerned."

"Whatever for, Martin? Perhaps you didn't know; I like to co-fly planes in my spare time, but I, generally, love to hover in the back corners of an out-of-order lift. It makes such an interesting past time, even more so if you happen to be stuck with someone you don't know. I could write a book: One Hundred Things Not to Do on a Broken Down Lift. The first point would be, obviously, do not get stuck on a broken down lift."

"Douglas, this thing isn't moving."

"Astonishingly, I am aware."

"Don't you think we ought to call for help?"

"Call whom, exactly?"

"W-Well, I don't know. Carolyn?"

"Oh, what a lovely idea. Let's see, how would this go... 'Hello, yes, Carolyn. We're in a bit of a pickle. Martin and I have somehow managed to get stuck in a lift. Why, yes, I'll pick up some biscuits on the way home. Cheers.'"

"I was thinking of something a little more along the lines of 'Please-help-us-because-we're-going-to-die-in-here!'"

"That would immensely change the shopping list. I think she might have a full-scale party."

"This is not the time to be funny!"

"Of course not."

"Good."

"I was being serious."

"Ugh, Douglas, how are we going to get out of here?!"

"I'm sure someone will notice the two blokes who went into a lift and were never seen again."

"T-That could take ages! We're due to fly in twelve hours!"

"Martin, I do believe that if we were to have to suffer through twelve hours of being stuck in a lift, you would be dead and I would have escaped through the ceiling tiles with your watch."

"Dea- Wait, my watch? Why my watch?"

"It sums up the relationship that we have: time-consuming and random."

"Oh, right, yeah, because that makes perfect sense... Why would I be the dead one, anyway? Who's to say that you wouldn't be dead?"

"Says the one trying to pry the doors open with his fingers."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I, for one, don't have immediate plans to be preserved in a lift!"

"I rather think preservation isn't the issue. Your body would just rot and create a stench."

"Douglas, stop talking pessimistically!"

"The world of 'truth' is a cold one, Sir."

"Okay. So, okay. Let's-Let's just think about this rationally. Two of us, in this sort of square box, could survive for roughly..."

"Don't forget to factor in the oxygen."

"What?"

"Small, enclosed box. Limited amount of oxygen, not to mention that both of us have to share it..."

"W-Wait, how many hours of oxygen d'you think's in here?"

"Oh, hard to say, really."

"You brought it up, Douglas!"

"Your shouting will just use it up more quickly."

"I'm- I'm not shouting. I'm just a little perturbed at your calm appearance in this time of crisis."

"Crisis?"

"We could die, Douglas! We-We could be stuck in here for hours while we s-slowly die! Running out of food and oxygen and water and-"

"Take a deep breath, Captain Claustrophobia."

"I'm not claustrophobic!"

"You're hyperventilating."

"I-I'm not! Just leave me... leave me alone!"

"Martin, you need to calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down, Douglas! This-This is a life or death sit-situation! I don't want to die by being stuck in a metal box, Douglas! I just don't!"

"Listen, you're not going to die. Please don't be so melodramatic; it's hurting my ears and if you keep that up, you'll end up unconscious from lack of oxygen to your brain."

"D-D-Don't act like you know it! I-I'm perfectly fine, just a bit... short of breath, 's'all."

"Deep breaths, Martin."

"Leave me alone...!"

"Martin. Inhale. And exhale. Good. Very brilliant, Sir. Now again. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale..."

"Exhale, yes, I've got it!"

"I don't think you do."

"Breathe in, breathe out, but how is that going to help us at all?! We're still trappe-"

The lift jerked into motion.

"We're moving!"

"Well spotted, Sir. I hadn't noticed."

"Oh, Douglas, we're not going to die! We're not going to be preserved into a little metal box. And I can keep my watch!"

"Delightful."


"By the way, Douglas..."

"Hm?"

"... Thank you..."

"What wonderful deed am I being thanked for this time?"

"The, uhm, ahem, the breathing. In the lift. That... that thing."

"Ah. Well, as you know, I did take medical training. I know a few things-"

"Don't gloat."

"Oh, I seldom dream of it... Oh, and Martin?"

"What?"

"Anytime, Sir."


I'm in a stuck-in-a-lift mood. And I decided to write it all dialogue. And hopefully I decided to write it in character. I try to do that now and again. Had to throw the thing about Douglas messing with Martin's mind about 'figure out the oxygen capacity!' even though it wouldn't hold true. xD

Feedback is appreciated. As mentioned before, I've only listened to two full episodes of CP, and some snippets of other ones. Thank you!