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Chapter 8- when one has lost their way.


When Shizuo woke up, his head felt dizzier than ever, his tongue was filled with a foreign, metallic taste peculiarly tasting like blood. His brain immediately bombarded him with questions, which left him with a pang of regret and something very like longing. Izaya was still sleeping, his chest heaving up and down steadily, and the sound of the clock ticking resounded in an echoing manner which makes him feel more horrible. It almost felt like a bad hangover- which was odd, he reminds himself to consult Shinra about the drug's aftereffects, maybe something could be done about it.

He needs to do this thing, so he breathed in and out. This is the final stage of his plan- because if prolonged, it would fail.

The slight movement in the bed put him in guard. Izaya was blinking and stretching as he lets out a yawn, a small, satisfied smirk stretching in his lips. His clothes was so oversized that it looked like he was a twelve years old. Shizuo's stomach clenched.

"Shizu-chan." Izaya said- his voice a bit raspy and hoarse. "I don't think... I could hate you anymore."

For a second, Shizuo's mind stopped thinking. The brain freeze you got when you consumed too much ice cream.

"Its tiring. And you've wrecked my life- and I hated you once. I would like to call it a truce."

Some part of Shizuo would like to agree, to let go of his hatred for a while. But its simply too late, the forgiveness and the hatred, he no longer knew who was fooling who, and who is actually hurting with his plan. But he knew its too late.

"Izaya. I love you. So so much." Shizuo said, chanting it like its some forgotten mantra. His fingers touched Izaya's skin and it delights him how the pale skin would flush so beautifully under his touch. "I'm sure you know that. Nothing in this world could ever change that- not even you being a bitch." His voice had escalated to a fierce growl, it was almost like a denial- he had forgotten about the fake kindness he's supposed to assume- because he knew that he would be the one falling real hard. And the anger just came right out- the old violence he longed to lash out for so long.

"But I hated you too, you know that. Its fucked up and I find myself not caring about it anymore. I hated you but I longed for you." As if by some impulse, his hands flew and throw a punch- the summation of all his hurt on Izaya- the scarlet red dripping steadily at Izaya's cheek. And Izaya looked more surprised than anything.

"Shizu-" His voice croaked. And he looked so fucking pathetic. The bruise was blue and it paints a beautiful mark on Izaya's cheek.

Shizuo laughed. It rang hollow even to his ears. "I should have known it. Our relationships were never flowery or filled with the sick sweetness I would long for, its the kind that's so fucked up and disgusting. God, even now I want to kill you."

"Shizuo-" Izaya's brain couldn't really process what had happened. Shizuo had flipped.

"I enjoyed it, Izaya. When you were fucked by some random guy, because that's just the kind of bitch you were. And you were crying, begging- you pretend like you hated it, when you loved it, you little piece of slut." Shizuo enjoyed the rage, he had hold on to this for far too long- suppressed far too much. But something- something about how Izaya suddenly looked so shrunken and small and hurt still managed to move his pity. God damn his pity, though.

Izaya's eyes were hot and watery and all of a sudden, he looked very cold. His defenses were put up again. "Shizu-chan. You really are a bitch. I should have known you had planned it." His fingers touched the mattress as if for support, and it was trembling out of- what? Anger? Sadness? Disappointment? "I fucking hate. you. No one could love you, Shizu chan." But he knew it was a lie. He rose up to leave but an iron grip had clutched his arm, painful and strong.

Shizuo hugged him from behind, trailing soft, feathery kisses on his neck. And Izaya finds himself bristle- lust piling up that his throat hurts and the chest that seem like it could burst anytime. "Don't leave me, Izaya. I would be alone without you."

"Shizu-chan." Izaya hates how it seemed like he was about to break, and how he still hopes for more when he hear Shizuo speaks. "I-"

Shizuo grabbed him and kissed him, his mouth jostling into Izaya's without any pretension- that was what he had admitted- desire, lust and love.

But the voice that came after was like an icepick, harmless yet so painful. "Look, you really are a bitch. You will do it with everyone, won't you? Its so easy to stop you, cause your dick is hard." Izaya hates how Shizuo played with his dick, and how it got wet so fast with just a touch.

"You'll do it with everyone, a good fuck, right? That's what you're aiming for." Shizuo was kissing Izaya's cheek, and licking its surface while his hands were busy massaging Izaya's dick.

"Shizu-ah..." Hot tears were gathered around Izaya's eyes, and it took all his might to grit his teeth to stop it from flowing. "Shizuo-"

He was clutching Shizuo's shirt and the hard on was really painful and he realized he couldn't have it anymore.

"I'm sorry- Shizuo. Please, I'm sorry for all the stuffs I had done. Please. I- I care for you. Can we start from the very beginning? Just the two of us?"

If Shizuo had showed satisfaction, he had concealed it very well. He kissed Izaya's forehead softly and let him cum.

When Izaya had token it as a positive sign and landed his head on Shizuo's chest- huffing and hopeful, that's when he answered.

"Yeah. I think we should stop the game and start with something serious. I should stop loving you, Izaya. I think I've gotten bored of you." The words were mechanical and slow- as if it was supposed to drill itself cruelly to Izaya's mind. "I'm getting married."

Shizuo buried his face on Izaya's hair- he sounds oddly tired. "I'll return everything, your mansion- your previous job. And that's it. We're not going to meet ever again."

"So that we both can move on with our hatred." Shizuo cups Izaya's face slowly, treasuring the way the light had went out of Izaya's eyes. The scarlet dimming to a hazed brown. "I can say this for once, I loved you, Orihara Izaya. But I've learned to stop loving you."

He left a soft, chaste kiss on the chapped dry lips as a parting gift.

And for the first time in his life- Izaya felt empty.