I...I have no...


THIS ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when I have too much coffee.

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING. Except my fucked up mind...



Remus rested his feet on the table in front of him in the Gryffindor common room, pulling his favorite, slightly worn out book from his bag. The room was quite full but mostly quiet.

"Ahh, an afternoon alone with my favorite book. Magical Beasts in the 1920's. No Sirius or James to bother me...How can it get any better than this?" He sighed contently to himself, flipping the book open.


"Oh hey Remus!"

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes as Sirius strolled over to where he was sitting and plopped down next to him, throwing an arm around the werewolves waist.

"Hi Sirius." He responded, shuffling away slightly from Sirius's touch.

"Hey Moony, you'll never guess what happened to me in Charms this morning. This Slytherin was smiling at me and talking to me-"

"Mm, that's veeery interesting." Remus cut in, sounding bored.

"- He was being reeeeal friendly...and, heh, I think he was coming on to me! I think, he might of thought that I was gay." Sirius said, carefully watching Remus out of the corner of his eye as he tensed up under Sirius's arm.

Remus coughed awkwardly and practically pressed his eyeballs to the page before him.

"So, wh- Why are you telling me this? Hmm? Why should I care? I don't care...Wh-what'd you have for lunch today?" He stuttered out, turning his nose up, trying to look casual and failing terribly.

Sirius grinned. This was going perfectly. He, James, Lily and Peter had planned this for weeks. After Sirius had found a funny muggle musical called Avenue Q, he fell in love with it. There was one particular song in it that Sirius found very amusing. It was called If You Were Gay, and he, Lily, James and Peter found it very suiting for Remus. The whole bloody school knew he was gay. It was obvious! But Remus didn't admit to it...

...He also didn't admit to the fact that he was insanely in love with Sirius. And once again, the whole school could see it. So they were going to kill two birds with the one stone. James, Lily and Peter were currently fixing a CD so it would play the song and then Sirius was going to...Well...

Be Sirius.

"Well you don't have to get all defensive about it-" Sirius chuckled.

"I'm NOT Getting defensive!" Remus snapped, glaring at Sirius, but his cheeks were bright pink. He turned his face back to the book in his hands.

"Why should I care about some gay guy you met? I'm trying to read." He said, turning the page.

"Well I didn't mean anything by it, I just think it's something that we should be able to talk about-" Sirius said, putting his free hand on Remus's thigh.

Remus froze and swallowed audibly.

"Well I do not want to talk about it Sirius, this conversation is over." He said simply.

"Yeah, but Remmie-"


Sirius bit his lip and tried not to laugh with giddy excitement, everyone in the room had turned to look at them when Remus had shouted. Sirius grinned and raised his hand from Remus's thigh, and flicked his wrist. This was James's cue to start the music.

And sure enough, a loud beat started and everyone in the room looked thoroughly confused.

"Well okay, but just so you know..." Sirius said, standing up so he was hovering above Remus.

"If you were gay!" He sang, causing Remus to drop his book and jaw.

"That'd be okay! I mean cause Hey!" He pulled Remus up by the arm, spinning him on the spot.

"I'd like you anyway! Because you see, if it were MEEEE! I would feel free to say, that I was gay! But I'm not gay!"

Everyone in the room was laughing as Remus sat back down, face burning red from embarrassment, and picked his book up.

"S-sirius, p-p-please, I am Trying to r-read!" He stuttered, trying to fight down the blush that was spreading to his ears.

Sirius jumped on top of the couch, his arms outstretched, with a giant, open mouthed grin on his face. Remus ignored him until Sirius started poking him with his finger, his expression never changing from the scary grin.

"WHAT?!" Remus screamed.

"If you were Queer! (Ugh, Sirius!) I'd still be here! (Sirius, I am trying to read this book!) Year after yeaaaaaar (Sirius!) Because your dear to me! (Ah!)" Sirius bellowed, jumping from the couch to the table, shaking his hips as he jumped. All the other Gyrffindor's were laughing and some, who knew the musical, were signing along.

"And I know that you! (...What?) Would accept me toooooo! (I would?!)" He sang, jumping on top of the table again, holding his arms high.

"If I told you today, 'Hey guess what? I'm GAY!' But I'm not gay." He laughed, pulling Remus up on top of the table with him, turning him around so his back was pressed to Sirius's front.

"I'm happy! Just being with you! So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys!"" He grabbed Remus's hips and pulled Remus's arse to his groin, pretending to hump him.

"SIRIUS! That is WRONG!" Remus yelped and tried to jump from the table, but Sirius grabbed him back and held him in his arms.

"No It's not! If you were gaaaaaaaaaaay! (ugh!) I'd shout HURRAAAAY! ( I am NOT listening!) And here I'd stay! (Remus put his hands to his ears and shouted "LALALALALA") But I wouldn't get In your way! (AH!)"

Sirius jumped down and pulled Remus towards him so their noses were touching. Remus was practically neon red and Sirius thought it was the cutest damn thing ever.

"You could count on me! to alway be, beside you everyday! To tell you It's okay! You were just born that way! And as they say, it's in your DNA! You're gaaaaaaaaay!"

Remus pulled away from him and grabbed his brown hair with both his hands.

"I AM NOT GAY!" He screeched, causing everyone to stop laughing and singing along.

Sirius grinned and walked over to where Remus was standing.

"If you were gay..." He whispered and pinched Remus's arse.

"AAAAH!" Remus squealed, jumping slightly.

The room was quiet for a few seconds before three voices, presumably Lily, James and Peter screamed;


And so he did. Sirius grabbed Remus's face between his hands and kissed him hard on the lips, causing the whole room to burst out laughing. Remus froze for a second and then started kissing back, twisting his hands in Sirius's black hair. They stayed like that for a long time until they both needed air. They split apart and grinned at each other until Remus winked and whispered;

"You're a really crap singer Pads."