Summary: I was adrift in the world until he found me, and now I can finally repay my debt.
Disclaimer: Person of Interest is not mine. I'm just borrowing the concepts and characters for a little while.
Spoilers: 1.21 Many Happy Returns; 1.23 Fire Wall.. Direct quotes from the episodes are at the very beginning and end.
A/N: Missing scene for the season finale. Thanks to ncismom for the beta!
When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different. Someone better. When that person is taken from you…. What do you become then?
When I lost—
When I found out—
Damn it! Closing my eyes for a brief moment and releasing the breath I hadn't immediately realized I was holding calms me a little.
When that nurse informed me that Jes— Jessica had died, the whole world seemed to drop out from beneath me. I was set adrift.
I had lost the one person who had connected me to the world even if that connection had been tenuous at best for some time now.
The years I'd spent fighting terrorism overseas and the years I'd spent as a CIA agent had done their best to keep me set apart from life, from love, from everyone.
I was forced to live in the dark, and then I was the dark. Well, almost.
Despite the efforts of those I worked closest with, there was still the tiniest spark of light in my life that I clung onto to keep me human, to keep me in the world.
Once Jessica was gone, so was that light.
Set adrift, I spun out of control. I became a lost soul drifting amongst millions of people. I had no purpose, and I didn't care.
I wanted to die but something was holding me back, keeping me from putting thought into action. Instead, I tried to drown myself in alcohol to try and forget, but inevitably a new day would dawn and the memories would still be there to haunt me.
Then, eventually, he found me.
He offered me a job, a purpose, and I decided that I didn't want to die anymore.
Recognizing that I wasn't as closed off as I used to be, I started to care again and feel more human.
And, over time, I realized that Harold had become a friend. Not the best I'd ever had – we're still working on even defining this friendship of ours – but a friend nonetheless. It's not absolutely certain yet, but I am almost certain that I'm not just his operative, not just his asset, and that he considers me a friend as well.
It took me a long time to let myself think that way again, but he had somehow, without me noticing it, become my connection to the world. The connection is different and not yet as strong as the one I'd had with Jessica, but it is there. I know it is because I finally feel that that I'm tethered to the world once again. I am adrift no more.
Now Caroline Turing – or whatever her name is – has my friend. That, that… My mind blanks then fills with all the possible curse words from around the world that I could use here to describe Finch's kidnapper. So many of them fit; it's difficult to choose just one, so with a mental shrug, I decide to figure it out later.
That…woman has taken Harold and is doing God only knows what to him to what—? Find out about the Machine? It's the only reason I can think of for her sadistic actions.
I need to find him. I can't let someone else I care about suffer because I wasn't smart enough, fast enough, or strong enough.
If something happens to Harold, I'm not sure I could survive losing another tether, another anchor to life and the world – that one entity who keeps me human. The last time almost destroyed me; I don't think I could endure being adrift again. I would rather eat a bullet.
Finch and I might not be your typical friends, but he is my friend, and I refuse to let him go. The spark of light which I'd thought gone with Jessica had finally started to flicker on again when Harold found me. I don't want to lose it again. I can't lose it again. I won't lose it again.
I will save my friend, and in saving my friend, I will save myself as well.
I once tried to get Harold to let me in on any contingency plans he might have for if he died for real this time. Wouldn't he want me to continue on with the Numbers? Could I continue on with the Numbers? There was no way to know that just five or six days later that Harold would be taken.
I have a purpose now, and I can't fulfill it without my friend. I don't want to even try to fulfill it without my friend.
The mostly darkened monitors with their blinking cursors mock me and remind me of my failure to protect the person who saved my life and my sanity.
Feeling lost already without his steady voice in my ear, I decide to take my fight, my quest to the only thing that can help me.
Does the Machine even know that its creator is compromised? Does it care?
Honestly, I don't care if it does or not, because it will help me get him back.
I refuse to lose my connection to the world. I refuse to become the dark again. Finally, I can repay my debt to him.
Decision made, I leave the Library.
Stopping at the southwest corner of 49th and 6th, I look up and glare into the lens of one of the ubiquitous cameras; its red light passively blinking at me.
"He's in danger now, because he was working for you. So you're gonna help me get him back."
A/N: I was watching my season one DVDs and the idea that Harold is John's connection to the world popped into my head. Reese may have others in his life now, but it's Finch that re-established that connection and gave him a new purpose.
Thanks for reading!