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I felt like I was having a panic attack. They were moving in together.
Moving. In. Together.
I should have seen this coming. When Jasper's grandpa on this mom's side died, and Jasper inherited the family home, I should have known they were going to want to play house.
And I should have known when Jazz showed up unannounced this morning with coffee and my favorite donuts that he had something heavy to tell me.
Now I was sitting in a daze on my couch because this pretty much meant any shot I had with Bella was gone. Granted, I knew she loved Jazz and the likelihood of them breaking up was slim, but there was one tiny part of me that believed I still had my chance, I just had to wait.
I wanted to be happy for them, I really did. They both deserved happiness and they were great for each other. That knowledge didn't stop my heart from breaking a little.
My phone ran three times within minutes of Jasper giving me the news which meant my sisters knew and possibly my mom. News traveled lightning fast in our tiny circle. I didn't feel like being subjected to "are you okay?" or "this was going to happen eventually" so I ignored all my calls.
"Mmm, donuts." A voice said from behind me. I looked up, surprised; having completely forgot that Irina spent the night. She curled up next to me on the couch and stole a double chocolate donut from the box.
I was an asshole. While sitting here on my couch, feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't have Bella, my pseudo-girlfriend was in the next room sleeping in my bed. I leaned my head back on the couch and watched her nibble on the donut.
Irina was pretty in a traditional sense: tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and tan. A contrast to Bella's darkness and paleness. Irina liked to play head games, she liked to sleep around, and she had the personality of a wild animal backed into a corner. She was generally sweet to me, I wasn't sure why I was so different from all the other guys she dated but I was. Maybe because I constantly called her on her bullshit. Even though we kept things casual, it still wasn't right for me to be pouting over another girl.
"So, Jasper stopped by?" she asked me without meeting my eyes.
"Him and Bella are moving in together?" She was concentrating hard on that fucking donut.
"Yes, they are. In a few weeks." I braced myself for whatever might be coming.
"And he felt that news required a sugar coma?" I sighed and tugged on my spacer. I never hid anything from Irina. She knew I was hung up on Bella but since we agreed to keep things in the non-serious category she never said anything. Irina had a terrible habit of not staying faithful in relationships, so there was no room for her to judge me.
"He just wanted soften to blow, I guess." She still wouldn't make eye contact with me. I had a bad feeling about the direction this conversation was taking.
"Are you finally going to realize you don't have a shot in hell with her?" Her tone was sharp.
"Hey now." I sat up. "That's a bit unnecessary."
"They've been together two years. What did you think was going to happen?" She pushed herself up off the couch. "God, Edward you are so stupid. Chasing after some girl that doesn't even want you!" Irina threw her hands up in frustration.
"I am not 'chasing' after her." I rubbed my hands over my face and through my hair. "Look, I can't fucking help how I feel. If I could stop loving her right now and go find some girl to live happily ever after with and have tons of babies with I would, okay?"
"Do you ever think that maybe, just maybe, that girl is already in your life but you are too fucking blinded by Ms. Perfect to see it?" She crossed her arms and glared down at me.
"Goddamnit," I muttered to myself. With a deep breath, my eyes met hers. "Irina, I have told you from the very beginning exactly how I feel. I've never kept anything from you."
"You've never even tried to have a serious relationship with anyone since Bella moved here."
"Because I know how I feel! It would be unfair to make a commitment to a girl if my heart isn't totally into it."
"You don't even try!" I saw a crack in her icy personality. The beginning of a broken heart. This was exactly what I didn't want. I stood up and met her face to face, placing my hands on her shoulders.
"I really like you. I care about you. I think we have a great time together but I told you, when we started dating again, I didn't want things to be serious. You could date other people, I could date other people. "
"You are as oblivious as Bella." Her lip curled with disdain on B's name. That's when I realized we were in similar situations.
"I guess I am. I'm sorry." I felt helpless. I honestly did not want to hurt Irina but no matter which way this went, that was exactly what was going to happen. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" She laughed in disbelief. "You're fucking dumping me for a girl you can't even have?"
"No, I'm ending our relationship because I can't give you what you want and I'm going to end up hurting you." I felt sick to my stomach. The look on her face made me feel like the biggest asshole on earth.
"You're a dick," she yelled before she walked away to collect her things.
"Yeah, I am a dick," I whispered to myself. I collapsed on the couch and rested my head on the back, closing my eyes. Irina gathered her things in record time and slammed my door as she left.
I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that, hating myself. Sometime after she left my door reopened and someone took a seat next to me on the couch.
"So, how's it goin'?" I opened one eye and turned to see my little sister sitting with her legs tucked under her, waiting patiently for my response.
"Wonderfully." I closed my eye again.
"I guess you've heard the news."
"And Irina is already spreading it around that you dumped her." Alice sounded bored.
"That didn't take long." She had probably told every passerby from my door to her car.
"Nope. Mind telling me what happened?"
"You mean you don't already know? Alice, you're slipping." I halfheartedly teased my Ms. Know-It-All sister.
"Oh, I know. I was just curious to hear your version."
"I don't want to talk about it right now." She rested her head on my shoulder. Another unknown length of time passed. Alice was being supportive by not talking, the best support she could give. "Am I an asshole?"
"No, you can't help what your heart wants, right?" She wrapped her arm around me for a hug and we remained like that until I no longer felt like the biggest jerk on the planet, only the stupidest.
siiiiiigh. Eddie is a mess. poor guy.
thank you everyone! i flove you.
and Larin20, who betas my nonsense, is the best beta queen ever!