Author's Notes - THIS IS NOT A JANE/MAURA STORY. Just wanted to clarify this before you read any further. If you're looking for a story of Jane and Maura being a couple, this is not the story for you. You may hate me after reading this chapter, but I promise it will be easier if you stick with me. Please leave reviews, because this is my first time writing a fanfic, and I'd love to see it through. I need your help and encouragement to do that. - Me
When I walked in the room, all I saw was black. Black hats, black shoes, black clothes. I knew people were staring at me, but I could never look them in the eye. To do that meant tears falling, ever falling. I couldn't allow tears any more. They displayed too much vulnerability. I found a spot in the corner, away from the mingling crowd. This visitation wasn't for my benefit, but for the actual family. Her adopted parents stood on the other end of the room, talking to our colleagues. To the untrained eye, it seems the parents are intrigued by the conversation, hearing what our colleagues had to say about her. To my trained detective eye that knew the real story, they couldn't care less. They never knew their daughter like we did. They never would fully comprehend what she meant to us. Every minute of every day, she was a bright spot in the room. To them, she was just another person in the house they rarely frequented. Another mouth to feed at the table they never used. Having enough of the torment, sure that I had fulfilled my duty to make my presence known, I started to leave the room.
Really? Couldn't people see I needed to be left alone? I turn around to see Korsak heading my direction. After giving him a small smile, I usher for him to follow me out of the room.
As we exit the room and head outside, Vince puts his hand on my arm, stopping me in my tracks. "Hey. Are you okay?"
I stare off into the night, the headlights on the freeway keeping my attention. "Define okay. I just lost the person that's most important to me, other than my family. And even then, I think she surpassed some of them. I would have laid my life down for her. It should've been me in there, not her!"
Korsak puts a hand on my shoulder, offering his for me to crumble. Not being able to hold it in anymore, I turn and sob into his jacket. How will I ever survive without her? My whole life, world even, seem completely empty without her laughter in the air.
After a while of letting me cry, Korsak gently led me to his car. "C'mon, Jane. Let's get you home."
On the drive home, I thought I was finally past the point of crying any more. Little did I know, walking into my apartment was going to prove that there really is no end to tears. On the walk up to the door, I felt like I was in a fog. My mind was stuck in limbo, between the past memories and trying to make sense of what has happened in the last few days. I think it was becoming overwhelmed with the effort of attempting to explaining the unexplainable.
My plan was to walk in the door, take off what was absolutely necessary before falling into bed. The only thought that made me feel better was that tomorrow could be no worse than the last three days.
As I unlocked my door, my thoughts were on bed. Within two seconds of opening my door, tears were threatening to spill over again. The first sensation was the smell of Maura's perfume. Memories flashed through my head of her getting ready for work like any other day.
"Maura, where's my ..." I asked as I frantically looked in all my spots.
"In the closet. I put it away for you when I saw it thrown on the couch." Maura said from the bathroom, as she put on her makeup.
"Thanks, babe. What would I do without you?" I said with a wink as I grab my shirt from the closet.
"Probably live in a pigsty." Maura said matter of factually.
Though the memory almost brings a smile to my face, tears sting my eyes, knowing she was gone. I'm afraid to step farther into my apartment. The sheer number of things that make me think of her are enormous. I take a second to collect myself, try to stop the tears from escaping. Taking a deep breath, I walk in.
As I take my jacket off and put it away by habit, I see hers next to mine. As I run my fingers over the expensive material, a memory flashes through my mind.
Twirling in the chair in Maura's office, I finally broke down and asked, "Maur, can we go home soon?"
"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?" She said distractedly as she pecked away at her computer. "It's not even quite 5 o'clock yet."
I spared another look at the clock. I swore it is moving at the pace of a turtle. Or is it tortoise? Not sure which one moves slower. Either way, it's moving way too slow! I tried to wait patiently for my girlfriend to finish her paperwork.
"Okay, almost done. One more quick note and... Done!" No sooner were the words out of Maura's mouth than I was on my feet and dragging her towards the door. "Hey, at least give me a chance to grab my jacket!" She said with a laugh. I reached around her, threw the jacket over my shoulder and started walking towards the door.
As we reached the car, she asked "Are you going to tell me what this is all about? I'm really curious."
"Nope, sure not. Surprises are kind of ruined, if you know about them beforehand."
As we headed back for the apartment, I started drumming my fingers to the beat in my head. "Jane, stop that! It makes me nervous." A smirk formed on my lips as I started drumming to a slower beat.
As we walked into our home together, I dropped everything and started leading Maura into the bedroom. "Isn't it a little early for that? I mean, we just walked in the door." I put a finger on her lips to quiet her, and continued to lead her to the bedroom door. I paused for dramatic effect before opening the door. As I led her through the door, her eyes adjusted quickly to the box on the bed containing the jacket. She looked at me curiously and opened the box.
"Jane!" She said in a gasping breath. "Jane, you shouldn't have! This must have cost you a fortune! What... why... how?"
I turned her to face me, placing both hands on either side of her face, give her a long kiss. "This, my dear, is a present. The present is for no reason at all except that I love you more than life itself. How? Well, that I'll just keep to myself."
It wasn't often I would surprise the love of my life. That was usually her doing, not mine. The one time I surprised her the most was when I bought her this coat. She wore it for days after that, never wanting to take it off. Even when she did finally take it off, I would catch her running her hands over the material.
Taking a deep breath, I close the closet. Walking through the living room, my eyes catch a glimpse of the couch. The big pillow mocks me, laughs silently at me. So many nights, so many hours of sitting on the couch together, cuddling while watch television.
With tears stinging my eyes yet again, I continue towards the bedroom. All I need is sweet unconsciousness to forget the horrors. I quickly walk through the hallway, past the pictures of us on the walls. I try to ignore them, knowing I couldn't handle that yet. Opening the bedroom door, I see her glasses on her end table, along with her latest book of choice with a bookmark in it. Her shoes all nicely lined up along the wall for easy picking. Finally, I collapse in bed. I just want this pain to end. I want to wake up from this horrible dream. I hug her pillow, tears finally escaping as her scent fills my nostrils. Weeping until I couldn't breathe, until my eyes hurt from the salt in my tears, I feel like I could sleep for months. My body finally screams for mercy as I slip into unconsciousness.