The Distance Created
Before the club began, Kyoya and I had, had a 'thing'… a sex thing. We were both lonely and that was how this had come about. I would go over to his cold, empty house or he'd come over to my slightly more welcoming, empty house, and we'd have an innocent sleep over simply so we could have some companionship.
However, one night, we'd had a conversation, which led to an experiment, and from then on, when I'd go over there or he'd come over here, it wasn't innocent anymore. Soon after that we set some rules. Only two rules, one- we would keep it a secret, I mean it's not like there was much to tell. We weren't even in a relationship; it was just filling the void that was left by being lonely. It was simply to fill the need for intimacy with another human being. The other rule was that if one of us found a girl we wanted to be with, the other one would immediately back off and they would go back to being friends.
Then a few years later, Haruhi walked into the 3rd music room, and I started to go after her. That's when a distance grew between Kyoya and I. I knew, according to our deal, that he would, but somehow, it didn't seem like he ever would until it happened. Somewhere in my mind, I suppose that I'd always seen Kyoya as a constant in my future, and now that he was distancing himself again, I realized just how much I needed him. Leading me to the conclusion that somewhere along the line, I'd fallen in love with my best friend. I hadn't just fallen in love with the sex, or with Kyoya's body, but with everything Kyoya; the color of his eyes, the sound of his voice, I even- on some level- loved the demon king he was when he woke up.
I thought about telling him about my feelings, however, he didn't seem to be affected by our distance making me think that he simply was fine with our arrangement. It made me think that, he was actually happy with it, so I hid my pain and pretended to still be courting Haruhi. But every time I saw him I had to throw myself into something else otherwise something would slip and Kyoya would realize I didn't like Haruhi that way.
Eventually the pain of not talking to Kyoya all of the time, like we used to, got to me, and I started getting closer to him, hoping that would at least fill the void left by Kyoya a little. However, it didn't fill it as much as I would have liked. I still missed the feeling of Kyoya's lips pressed against mine- actually I missed the feeling of Kyoya pressed against me period- I missed the closeness we had shared… and I knew that I wouldn't ever have the chance to feel that close again.
When Haruhi came into our lives, I knew I had to leave the best thing I'd ever had behind and try to move on, so I did, however reluctant I was, I did. I left him to be go for Haruhi, all the while feeling like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.
I knew I loved Tamaki; I'd loved him since before we had started our 'thing', I'd loved him since that day when he came to my house and we had our fight. I knew it was wrong but I did, and I kept hoping that eventually Tamaki would fall in love with me so that we wouldn't have to separate again- to give up the closeness we'd shared. When we'd gotten together that night a few years ago, I felt like the world was finally whole. I felt like- if I could- I'd stop time just to stay in that moment with Tamaki in my arms. I knew I couldn't but I felt like if I could, it would stop my world from crumbling down to the ground.
When we made the rules, I eagerly agreed, hoping that would give me enough time for Tamaki to fall in love with me like I'd fallen in love with him. Everything was perfect. I had Tamaki even if – on some level- I knew that it wasn't permanent. It all seemed like it would work out, our 'thing' had gotten us to know each other on a deeper level than I'd expected and it made us even closer than I'd ever thought possible. It was almost like we knew exactly what the other was feeling, even when we weren't together.
Then, Haruhi came, and I knew it would all end the moment she showed up. I could see my world fall before me as she came in and Tamaki started his little tirade. I knew that as soon as he found out she was a girl my life would- quite literally- crumble. So that was the moment I started distancing myself from Tamaki, becoming what I was to him before, a friend and only that… possibly even less than that. I still saw him often, and talked to him like we were friends, but I would never be the one to initiate contact –I wouldn't be the first to call him, or IM him. I don't even think he noticed the change, even if it was sudden; he was too wrapped up in Haruhi to care.
For a while, nothing changed from that, I was just far enough away from Tamaki, that he couldn't see the pain, but everyday that pain grew when I saw him trying to woo and impress her. Then one day, everything changed, Tamaki started talking to me more again, almost like the novelty of Haruhi was over, but I knew it wouldn't last, in no time he would be back to worrying over Haruhi. So I let him have a few days of closeness again, but the pain grew to be too much- being that near to him, but not able to be like we were before- so I distanced myself even more than before. I hardly talked to Tamaki, hoping that would be the cure to the pain I felt.
Sadly it wasn't. Every night I went home and tried to focus on school work, but no matter what, Tamaki would always come to mind, no matter which subject I was trying to work on. I would then cry for a while at what I had lost, and then I'd get back to the work to be done. That's when I found out that all of those people who said that working took your mind off of the pain were wrong, it could perhaps dull it a little, but never could it take my mind off of what I'd lost. Because I knew that Tamaki was the best thing I had, had in my life. Ever.
But no matter what, I never let Tamaki see my pain, because if I did he'd know what had happened, and it would destroy what little bit of a friendship we had left. Even when it got to the point that I would fall to pieces in the 3rd music room when I was alone, I never let it show on my face. I wanted Tamaki to be happy, and if Haruhi was what that took, then so be it, I would work through the pain and let my heart break when I was alone where no one could see.
Just a few days after my attempt to reconnect with Kyoya, he nearly disappeared from my life; he didn't really talk to me anymore, only when he had to. I didn't even really see him, except when we were in the same class or during club. I knew that it was probably my fault, that my trying to get close again had caused this sudden disappearance, because he'd gotten freaked out by it or something. So I didn't' try to again, I simply let the distance between us grow, and I tried to distract myself by 'flirting' with Haruhi. However, no matter how much I threw myself into trying to forget about the pain of not being close to Kyoya anymore, it didn't work, it didn't even dull it.
There were many times I contemplated telling Kyoya how I felt, but every single time I thought about it I would look over at him and see that he looked no different than before. He looked just like the Kyoya that everyone had gotten to know, the person that only I could make relax. So I didn't try to bridge the gap at all, I simply wallowed in my pain when no one was looking… well at least no one that mattered. However, it seemed like- no matter how hard I was trying to cover it up- the girls noticed the difference in me. They constantly commented between themselves about the fact that I wasn't as happy anymore and they wondered what had happened. And still, no one noticed the difference between the relationship I had with Kyoya before and what I had now.
One day, I got tired of listening to the girls who followed me every day at lunch, and I decided to go to the Club room, hoping to relax for at least a few minutes, to let my guard down and be able to show the pain I felt. However, the site I saw when I opened the door made my plans crumble.
At first, I just thought it was someone in the club room, looking for solidarity- much like myself. Then I noticed it who it was. Kyoya stood there clutching the desk he commonly sat at with white knuckles, and leaning forward with a bowed head. I knew that stance as well as the back of my hand, I knew what it felt like to hold it, because I had been in that same position the night before. It was the stance of someone who was holding back tears.
He hadn't noticed I'd entered the room –probably too focused on not letting the drops of liquid fall from his eyes. So I stood there in mute silence looking at him in wonder. I had NEVER seen Kyoya cry, it just simply didn't happen. I knew on some level, Kyoya would never want anyone to know that he was crying, even me, so the smart thing to do would be to back out slowly, and talk to him about it later. However, my body had different ideas.
"Kyoya?" My mouth asked without my telling it to. He turned around, and I saw that he wasn't holding back tears, he was holding back sobs, the tears clear as day on his face. We just stood there for a minute staring at each other when my mouth again opened without my telling, "Kyoya…."
With that he came over to me and hugged me to him, burring his face in my shoulder. He started sobbing, and suddenly I was crying too. I didn't know why, I just was. A few minutes later my tears tried up and so did his. However, he didn't pull away. "I'm sorry." I heard him whisper quietly.
"For what?" I asked, pulling away to look at him.
"I didn't mean for you to see that…" He said looking away from me. "I know I should just move on… but I… I can't. I miss you too much Tamaki." He said, fresh tears falling from his eyes.
I didn't know what to say, because I'd never expected him to still have feelings for me, he was the one who always seemed so… so calm and collected. So I simply hugged him to me again, hoping to convey what I couldn't seem to find the words for.
We stood there for a while, hugging each other, enjoying the warmth and closeness that was once more present. He then pulled back and kissed me, and I couldn't breathe I was so ecstatic. It wasn't like the kisses we'd had before all of this, which were filled with passion and want. This was full of love and a slight trace of desperation, because we both needed it. That's when I knew that Kyoya loved me just like I loved him, and that the closeness I'd been missing in my life, would never be missing again.
Suddenly I heard the door open, and for once, I could honestly not care less about it. All that mattered was that Kyoya was kissing me again and we were back, we could deal with whoever it was later. After a few minutes, I got impatient with the person, I mean they could at least be polite and leave or they could clear their throat. But they just stood there in silence watching us. So I pulled away trying to see who it was.
It was a tearstained Haruhi. Her eyes were puffy and red and she had tears falling down her cheeks. After a few seconds she ran out of the room. I knew I should care but, I didn't I could deal with her later. Anyways, this wasn't like before, this time we were actually together, together - we were in a relationship… it wasn't just a 'thing'. Right now I just needed to be with my… boyfriend. My boyfriend, who then wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder. After a few seconds he kissed my neck, "What you're not going to go run after her?" he asked.
"Why would I want to? I have you and that's all I need." I said smiling as I heard his laugh that I hadn't heard in months. I leaned back into him simply enjoying the feeling of him being there again, of him being with me again. "I love you." I said as I closed my eyes, hoping that my earlier conclusion had been true. But once that was out I couldn't stop, "I hadn't realized before, but I do, I missed you like crazy, and I was so sad when I thought about the fact that you would never kiss me again…" I blushed then.
He sighed in contentment, "I love you too Tamaki, I have ever since that day we had our first fight." I could hear his voice shake a little. I smiled and leaned back upon him more, letting him know that I was happy.
"So we're official this time? Right?" I asked turning my head slightly to look at his face.
"Yes, Tamaki, I do believe we are." And with that he kissed me again and I felt all of the love he had for me and I put all the love I had for him into that kiss too. I didn't care that some people might not like it that we were together, I didn't care that we were at school in public place, nor did I care that we'd have to tell the host club tomorrow about our 'thing' we'd had. I was happy and with Kyoya, and that's all that mattered.
I hope you guys liked it... I'd love feedback so R&R! :D (Please?)
Oh... and I don't own Ouran.