In some cultures, it is a tradition to treat your guests on your birthday. Instead of receiving gifts, you give them. So today is my birthday, and this is my present to all of you, as a thanks for supporting this utterly ridiculous story, and me.


Chapter 3: Matt the Suggestive

"Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me," a husky voice whispered in Integra's ear. The Hellsing director jumped a little, surprised that someone had snuck up on her. She was certainly off her game.

"Integra," she introduced, extending her hand and missing the point.

He means he would like to do unspeakable things to you, Alucard clarified.

"Hi, my name is Matt," the attractive stranger replied. "You better remember it, because you'll be screaming it all night long."

Integra wasn't quite sure how to respond. She cracked an awkward smile.

Well he's a rather subtle individual, isn't he? the vampire said telepathically, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Just give him a chance, Integra replied. In all honesty, she felt his appearance was making up for his lack of tact. He had vivid blue eyes. She stared into them

"Your face must turn a few heads," the handsome man complimented.

His must turn a few stomachs, Alucard growled.

"Why thank you!" Integra replied, flattered. "So tell me a little bit about yourself," she continued, trying to move the subject away from her.

"Well…" he replied. "I have a magic watch."

"Magic?" she inquired.

Tell me he's not going where I think he is the vampire pleaded.

"Yes, magic," he confirmed. "It has x-ray vision. It tells me you aren't wearing any underwear," Matt teased.

Alucard uttered an exasperated sigh in the back of his master's mind as the predictable line went exactly where it always did.

"How dare you?!" Integra demanded. "Of course I'm wearing underwear."

"Darn thing must be running an hour fast."

Integra stared disbelievingly at the blunt, albeit beautiful, man before her.

I think he likes you, Alucard laughed.

I hadn't noticed,Integra responded dryly.

"If you think you'll regret in the morning, we can sleep in until the afternoon," he hinted, flashing his eyebrows at her.

"I think I'll pass," she clarified, just in case he thought he had a chance.

"Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Integra's new date asked, taking a new, more graceful approach.

"Yes," Integra replied snappily. "That's why I don't go there anymore." She was tired of the pick-up lines. It was nice to be thought of as sexy, but she wasn't a notch on some guy's belt. Instead, she flagged down a waiter.

"Just leave the bottle," she requested when the man returned.

"You know," Matt started. "You look fantastic sober."

"I doubt you'd be attractive even after I finish this," she laughed, pouring herself a glass of whiskey. His face, maybe. His personality, certainly not.

Please. I saw how you blushed, Alucard mocked. You think he's hot.

I do not! she denied, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Was she that obvious?

There you go again. You want him.

He's repulsive! she protested.

Sure, he said, stretching the word into two syllables. It was clear the vampire didn't believe her.

"If I could arrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together," Matt teased.

"Really?" Integra laughed. "Because I would put 'F' and 'U' together."

"That can be arranged, baby," Matt smirked seductively.

"I'm not sleeping with you."


You have to admit he's determined, Alucard noted.

Does he have a pick up line for every situation? Integra demanded.

Bet you he does.

You're on.

What do I get if I win?

I'll let you out. For a whole night. Integra was confident she could put her date into a situation that he didn't have a cheesy line for. She was so confident, in fact, that she was willing to promise Alucard free reign. The vampire's previous 'day off' had nearly bankrupted her organization. The queen herself had called to inquire about it. Integra's hand had nearly fallen off from all the apologetic notes she had to write.

Agreed, the vampire hissed. He sounded almost giddy, Integra thought. And your demand?

What do you think?

Fine. I suppose I could make you a few more vampires.

No, you vampiric asshole. I want you to leave me alone for the rest of the night! Integra insisted. Please don't make any more vampires, she added as an afterthought.

Oh all right, Alucard agreed. Do we have a deal?

I believe we do.

The Hellsing director smirked, and enacted her master plan. "I'm sorry to lead you on, Matt, but I'm actually a lesbian."

"That's okay baby," he laughed. "We can have a threesome."

"I think I'll pass."

There you go. No witty line, she gleefully informed the vampire. I win.

It isn't reasonable to expect him to use a pick up line for every sentence.

Alucard was right. Of course, he was right. To win this bet, she was going to have to keep putting her date in strange situations. Her sadistic servant could debate the lack of one pick up line, but three? Four?

"You sure are gullible," Integra noticed. "I… I… Achoo!" She sneezed, sending her napkin flying off the table.

"I'd say God bless you, but it looks like he already did."

A maniacal chuckle echoed in her head.

No you don't! The Hellsing director protested.

He had a line for a sneeze, Alucard insisted. Don't be a sore loser.

"Fuck all kinds of duck…" she muttered under her breath. Not only was she stuck with the vampire's snide comments for the rest of the night, but now she would have to clean up his mess when he took his night off. And of course there was the fact that the man across the table from her was still staring at her chest as though her shirt held Cinnabuns. Thankfully, her bottle of whiskey was still half full. She didn't bother to pour it into a glass, drinking straight from the bottle instead. It was that kind of night.

The bell rang, signaling the end of their date. Integra couldn't have been out of her chair faster if there was a fire in the building. She sprinted for the restroom.

"Hey! You're forgetting something!" he called after her.

"What?" she spat, her patience long gone.