Hi, it's Kereea, your lovely authoress!
This story was inspired by 3 things. 1—I'm sick of angst for the moment—we need more happy! 2—Itachi strikes me as the type to change an establishment by driving it mad instead of by violence if pushed too far. 3—I wanted an excuse to have Itachi, Kakashi, Iruka, Kurenai, Asuma, Gai, Anko, and Kisame to be teamed up lawfully in the name of chaos.
Note: this story does not need to always apply to logic—it doesn't want to and does have come crack-fic in its veins. But it will within the story itself have continuity. The chapters will try to be chronological, but they're all also their own stories (except the prologue) so no promises!
Prologue: In Which There was Barbeque
Itachi was pretty sure the restaurant both loved and hated their group by now. They spent a lot of money (Kisame alone could eat enough for two households, and Gai and Iruka tended to eat quite a bit too), so they were loved. They were rather rowdy, so they were hated. Simple.
"Oi, Itachi, tell sharkface to stop stealing all the pork!" Anko yelled.
"That's what you get for hogging the sushi, snake-witch!" Kisame teased before going back to stuffing himself.
Anko lunged across the table, Kurenai and Gai grabbing her before she landed on the grill in the middle. Gai sighed, "Now, now, attacking our comrades over food is not—Kakashi put that dastardly book away!"
Kakashi almost stabbed the other jonin with a fork when Gai went to grab it. "Don't touch the book."
Iruka just dropped his head on his arms and groaned, "Come on, people. We only do this once a month. Can't we get along—ow!"
"Sorry!" Kakashi apologized, still trying to defend his book from Gai. "Asuma, stop him!"
"No way," the bearded man said. "I think I'll let you 'eternal rivals' handle this yourself." He poured himself some sake and sat back to watch.
As Kisame went to take the next serving of pork off the grill, Itachi quickly took it and gave it to Anko, while giving Kisame some of his sushi. "There. Don't murder each other. I had enough of that on my mission."
Both of them stared at him, before taking their food and slumping back into their seats. Kurenai sipped her tea and looked at Itachi gratefully, "At least someone besides me is sane."
"Now who said anything about sanity?" Itachi asked, spearing a dumpling. "Now if you want sanity, I'm sure Iruka can give you sanity."
"I'd rather have caffeine than sanity," the new chunin sighed. "Do you have any idea how many tests you have to take to be an academy teacher? If I want to make it by next fall I won't be able to sleep!"
"You really want to teach those kids so bad?" Kisame asked. "Kids are nothing but trouble, well, besides Itachi's brother, anyway, and even he has his moments."
"Oh he does?" Itachi asked. He'd been away on two long missions recently, and had given his "babysit Sasuke duties" to Kisame. Sasuke hadn't seemed to mind too much, and Shisui was too exhausted defending his remaining eye lately to do it…good god Danzou needed a new hobby…
"He almost set poor Samehada on fire!" Kisame said. "…By the way, you mom says he needs to learn fire control and she won't make that desert you like until you help him. He also set the roof on fire, but don't worry! I put it out by dumping some of the lake on it!"
Itachi stared at him for a moment. So that was why his father had looked strained when mentioning that Kisame had taken Sasuke to school when Itachi had gotten home at lunch today.
He loved his friends. They were all so interesting.
"Oh, Itachi welcome…home," his mother said. "Again?"
"Kakashi and Asuma got oil everywhere and then at one point Anko stared tossing tea leaves at people," Itachi said, casually plucking a few leaves out of his hair. "Is Sasuke already asleep?"
"Yes, but you can take him to school in the morning," Mikoto said. "I think you should go shower, and put those clothes right in the washer."
"Yes mother," Itachi said, heading toward the bathroom he shared with Sasuke. He had neglected to mention to her that he'd also had raw chicken flung in his hair and it was going to need at least ten minutes of washing.
He stopped and turned, "Good evening, father."
"Why do you smell like raw meat?" Fugaku asked.
"Because Gai and Kakashi decided to spar in the middle of dinner and it went downhill from there," Itachi replied. "I also learned some very interesting facts about tea ceremonies from Kurenai."
"She's the genjutsu specialist, yes?" Fugaku asked.
"Yes. I heard she'll be trying for jonin soon," Itachi replied. "Excuse me, I need a shower."
Fugaku sighed, "Those 'friends' of yours…"
Itachi huffed as he shut the bathroom door. What was wrong with his friends? Sure, they were rather…loud…and eccentric…and loud…but they were good friends. Turning on the hot water, Itachi cleared his mind. He'd need a good night sleep if he wanted to get Sasuke to school on time.
"And then the kunoichi teacher got drenched! It was awesome!" Sasuke said. "I think a lot of the girls liked it too. I know some of them were sick of flower arranging and junk. Oh, and Toru-sensei said he thinks I might be able to get bumped up a year or two, and-"
"What!" Itachi said, startled. "What was that?"
"Toru-sensei says I could skip two years. Maybe graduate when I'm ten," Sasuke said.
"Don't," Itachi said. There was no way he wanted his little brother to graduate at the end of next year. No way, no how.
"W-why not?" Sasuke asked petulantly. "You graduated when you were seven! And when you were ten you were a chunin already!"
"Yes, and I was an idiot for doing it," Itachi said stiffly. "Remember when I took you to play with Iruka and Naruto last week?"
"Yeah," Sasuke said. It was hard to forget, since he, Itachi, and Naruto had ganged up on Iruka and doused him in paint.
"I never got to do any of that," Itachi said. "By the time I was seven I was taking missions. Remember how I never seemed to have time for you until last year?"
"When you quit ANBU," Sasuke said.
"Right. I didn't have any time at all. I spent all my free time with you, training, or sleeping," Itachi said. "I was going to drive myself insane."
"You know, Naruto says you're already insane," Sasuke said.
"You don't get to use that. You beat him up when he said it, after all, "Itachi retorted. "Listen, I want you to promise me something, Sasuke. Don't graduate early. You have some friends in your class, and you'll make more. That's more important than getting in an extra year of missions, all right?"
Sasuke pouted, "Well fine, if it means so much to you…"
Itachi smiled, "Thank you Sasuke."
"…You know, Kisame's right. You are prettier than most girls! Especially when you smile!"
"And your hair looks like the back end of a chicken. Now let's get you to school so I can hunt down my friend."
"Kisame. I would like to talk to you."
"Little odd saying that after throwing shuriken at my head," Kisame said, lowing Samehada slightly.
"You told my brother I look like a woman," Itachi said dryly, pulling out more sharp stars.
"No, I said you were prettier than women, which you have to admit—okay, seriously! Cut that out!" Kisame snapped, dodging and blocking a torrent of metal.
"Don't you dare call me pretty!" Itachi shouted.
"But you're so very pretty!"
Itachi twitched and glared at Anko. "When did you get here?"
"Just now. And you're pretty. Live with it," Anko said.
"You know, by saying I'm prettier than women Kisame is insinuating I'm prettier than you," Itachi said. Maybe she'd help him attack the blue idiot…
Anko tapped her chin, "Hmm…it's the hair. Especially how your bangs fall in your face. You look more like a guy when you do that side-bandanna hiate thing."
"I hate you both," Itachi groaned.
"Okay, first shuriken attacks, then blatant hatred?" Kisame asked. "Is that any way to treat your friends?"
Itachi's eyes widened. "No…it's—Kisame! You're a genius!"
"Really? Because a lot of kids can beat him a shogi," Anko said. Kisame quickly flashed her a rude gesture.
"No, no, he helped me figure out what was bothering me!" Itachi said. "I'll tell you guys at the next barbeque. I have some things to work out." He rushed out of the field.
"So…he attacks you and insults you, then praises you and runs away?" Anko asked. "And I thought Gai and Kakashi made weird friends."
"Well, our friendship is rather odd. I mean, how many ANBU go on a mission to steal information from a mob leader and come home with an S-ranked ninja willing to join their village?" Kisame asked.
"Yeah, you said you were convinced the world was without honestly and he showed you otherwise," Anko said. "How'd he do that?"
"He said he didn't want to fight. I assumed he was bluffing and called it. He gave me a full-Sharingan glare and said it was his little brother's birthday and he refused to come to the party late or blood-soaked," Kisame said. "And I saw the truth in those eyes of hell!"
"Oh…so you're both crazy!" Anko said brightly.
"Yeah, you have no room to talk there," Kisame retorted.
Itachi normally kept his room very neat. It helped to have things out away when you had a rambunctious little brother and an even more rambunctious swordsman friends randomly dropping in on you.
However, now he had scrolls everywhere. Uchiha Itachi was a genius, a well-decorated former ANBU captain, and one of the top jonin of Konoha, despite being all of fifteen. So he had access to a lot of information and was now using it.
Scrolls on seals were spread out on his bed, the academy curriculum was pinned to his wall with shuriken, history of Konoha clans and bloodlines was under the window, lists of mission-trends were by the door, rank designations and handbooks by the closet, and a blank scroll was on his desk.
Itachi went his desk and titled the scroll: A Plan for the Preparation of Superior Future Shinobi of Konoha.
He then subtitled it: AKA Supplementary Training for the Little Brats We Love
"You're crazy," Asuma said. "Kakashi, tell him he's crazy."
"You already did—I do like this bit though," Kakashi said. "Suggesting specialties for students during their latter academy years might be a good idea. We keep getting too many 'I'm going to go whoop butt even though I'm totally green!' types."
"Um, Itachi, what exactly are you suggesting we do with this?" Kurenai asked.
"I checked Sasuke's class. An odd amount of clan heirs are in it, are they not?" Itachi asked.
"Yes, that's true," Iruka said.
"Right, now, just from the three jutsu you learned there…how much stuff from the academy gets used in the field?"
"…I do not think I have used any of them in many years," Gai admitted.
"Substitution," Kakashi said, with Iruka and Anko agreeing.
"Henge," Kurenai said, with agreements form Kisame and Iruka.
"And Bushin?" Itachi asked.
"Everyone learns a better one by chunin exam time…well, anyone who's been taught well anyway," Asuma said.
"And the rest of it? History? Chakra theory?" Itachi pressed.
"Well…most of us have to re-learn some of it," Asuma said. "Anyone without a super-memory, really."
"And you forget it because?" Itachi asked smugly.
"You…don't really use it until you're a chunin. And really the academy kids don't give a damn about it," Asuma said "I see where you're going with this…"
"As well as the fact that I happen to know several of you have genin you'd like to personally teach…" Itachi said casually. "Hinata Hyuuga-"
Asuma coughed into his hand.
"Sasuke's loudmouth buddy," Kisame added, grinning at Kakashi.
"That's a maybe, at most," the copy-ninja said quickly.
"Are you honestly suggesting we give certain students a leg up?" Iruka asked. "You know I won't be able to help if I'm teaching at the time, right?"
"One, look at this class roster—look at it!" Itachi said. "Do you not see six clan heirs, seven if something happens to me and Sasuke gets added? Two, I have a way around that."
"We can't exactly offer private tutoring," Gai said. "I have tried many a time to ask for permission with a certain youthful student from a year above those who has caught my eye, but alas—no."
"Well, asking was your first mistake," Itachi said. "We don't need permission—we already have it."
"We do, now do we?" Kurenai asked.
"Is it not generally accepted that Academy students within clans will receive training from clan members?" Itachi asked.
"How does that help us? Last I checked, you're the only clan-member with a kid in that class," Asuma said. "And well, Iruka could get away with helping Naruto…"
"I need a week to get the information I need—I managed to get a mission from the Hokage that will enable me to do just that," Itachi said quietly. "Should I get this information, should I make this a possibility for our future genin: are you in?"
"Totally," Anko said. "We need more kick-ass kunoichi in the world!"
"I'm with you buddy, you know that," Kisame said.
The others quietly agreed.
Itachi rolled up his plan. "Excellent. Now, Kisame, Iruka and I need to talk to you…"
Next time: Kisame—Demon Babysitter for Ninja
Read and Review, everyone!