140 Alternate

(No Jenny+Ben Sex has happened! Also, no Beta has happened either...Sorry ;) )

Jenny felt like being in a hurry - she could not get there soon enough. Though that did not make much sense. Nothing would change if she were to see Emma in a minute, or five, or ten. Or at least that's what good logic would say.

Jenny's heart had already skipped a hundred beats today and it was not even noon yet. But since waking up this morning and holding those postcards in her hands, her inner being was not it's usual calm self anymore. It rather felt like a bouncy ball was skipping around in her, knocking and nudging her heart and head and guts, and making her all dizzy. She was actually glad that she made it to school intact.

Walking along the hallways of the Pestalozzi, her eyes roaming the crowd for one special tiny person, her heart was still beating up her throat, nervousness finding it's way to the excitement, unsure of how Emma would react - if Emma would stand up for it, once she would hold those postcards right under her nose, showing her the words she herself wrote, the words that made herself turn into this uncontrollable bouncy ball, which she feared and loved all at once. She hadn't felt this much in a long long time. Or at least nothing that was real like this. She had felt as exhilarated as this, yes, but not naturally per se, and that this came to her this naturally - that she could feel this much, this intense without having to take anything for it - it made Jenny just the more excited and curious about it. She really really wanted to have and keep this feeling, even if she had to put herself out there and risk herself being hurt. This feeling - it was worth fighting for, and it was worth to put herself out there once more.

Her heart skipped a beat once again when she spotted the blonde shock of hair in the crowd, making its way across the student lounge, and she sped her steps up quickly to catch up to the person it belonged to, not knowing yet what exactly she planned to say. Not for one second did she think about what it was that she actually wanted to say. She just knew that she had to see Emma and that they had to talk and that her heart wanted to explode at the prospect of it becoming reality, that the person she could not get out of her head anymore, would finally have found the courage to stand up and take a step forward into the scary unknown to make it possible for them to become an actual couple.

„Emma!" Jenny made it to catch up to the blonde and, looking around, she quickly realized that she was standing in exactly the same spot she had been standing in yesterday, and at roughly about the same time, too - the kiosk with it's orange wall in front of her, five to six people standing in line in front of Emma, who was probably getting herself one of her daily coffees or eventually some sweet - a chocolate bar more probably than an apple. Now it made much more sense why Emma had been asking her about her having gotten some mail lately!

Jenny concentrated on Emma and gave her a shy smile. „Hi."

When Emma looked up at her, it hit Jenny like a ton of bricks. This was it. Once again. She realized the importance of the upcoming moment, and that it probably wouldn't be wise to go like a bull at a gate. Cautious, tender, she told herself, her smile faltering slightly, stuffing her overly excited feelings back into a drawer for the time being, especially because she noticed Emma's brown eyes filling themselves quickly with apprehension, her fingers starting to nervously tuck at the sling of her blue messenger bag around her shoulder and her gaze trailing away from the brunette.

Emma gulped, before quite words left her mouth, "Hi Jenny."

Emma was more than surprised to find the brunette suddenly standing behind herself. She had not seen her the first two hours of school, not that she was looking for her or anything. She had just noted that Jenny was not there, and noting that Jenny was not there, had also not made her disappointed, nor relieved, nor slightly nervous that a certain pair of postcards eventually did not arrive and got lost in the mail, or that a certain pair of postcards actually did arrive and that in some way that might have been the reason why Jenny was not there. No, nothing of that had taken place and Jenny now suddenly standing in front of her did not make her nervous and her hands sweaty either. Except that it did.

„Hi Jenny," Emma said and looked away from those piercing blue eyes. She hated that feeling of impending apocalypse. She could not look Jenny in the eyes anymore, knowing that she poured her heart out on two little postcards, which were somewhere out there now, while she was now standing right in front of that girl, who she poured her heart out to, too, - and she could not find the courage to just say those same words to her face, which left her having to wait for those postcards to arrive, and at the same time there was the chance that Jenny actually did get her postcards by now and the things she wrote on there… - the more seconds passed from that morning she sat crying over those postcards, the more she found them embarrassing and wanted to crawl in a hole searching for cover to have had it laid all out there! She had no idea how Jenny would react, if she would forgive her, if she would laugh at her, if she would tell her it was too late, if she would be even more mad at her… - the possibilities were endless, and second after second that went by since she was back in cologne she was being driven more and more mad by them. She felt helpless and vulnerable, all the time, but even more now that Jenny looked at her once again after she made a complete fool out of herself yesterday. „Sometimes one gets mail", what a stupid thing to say when Jenny was about to get mail! Now Jenny would know that she thought of it - pretty much all the time, she would know getting those postcards that she had been talking about them and how much it meant to her and -

Jenny's next words helped Emma to get back to reality and the moment and situation she was being in right now, instead of getting herself further worked up with her thoughts. Though Jenny's voice did little to calm Emma's heart or mind. Emma looked up at Jenny and found a friendly, if not a little uncertain face. Emma sighed internally, relieved to realize that at least Jenny didn't seem mad at her any more than yesterday, and in that moment she started to believe that to get through with it would probably just be better than letting the doubts about, if it was the right choice to write those postcards to Jenny, fill her head more and more by every moment. The question just was, did she get them yet or not? And if not,…should she tell her? And how?

„How are you?" Jenny's eyes shifted uncertainly between Emma's. What was making Emma look so…sick. Was she okay? She looked a bit pale and really really uncertain. Was something wrong with her? She didn't look this troubled yesterday. Did she eventually get second thoughts about this after all? - If before Jenny had wanted to just give the whole world a big big hug, she now suddenly felt an uncertain fear and coldness seep into her. After all Emma had to know, had to expect that some day, some time soon she was going to receive her cards...and if that made her look so...sick, then...?

„Fine," Emma answered, trying for a smile, which came off way too happy and which at the same time wavered weirdly. Emma looked to the kiosk, noticing the line move forward and she followed behind before turning to Jenny again. Her heart was stuck somewhere in her throat and every word was just a way to postpone, which helped and did not help at all. „Really fine."

Jenny nodded and followed behind Emma, not sure if having Emma being this weird was exactly the right moment to tell her... - But to tell her what exactly?

„I'm glad about that," Jenny offered lamely, though still sincerely, and wondered how she got caught in this small talk when before she got so many things and feelings to share. What was happening here exactly?

Emma smiled softly, genuinely this time, before she noticed that they were running out of words, meaning there was silence and awkwardness to come, so that she quickly offered, „And how about you?" - Not that this conversation didn't feel awkward enough to her already. Was she supposed to say something?

„Okay," Jenny answered inexpressively, but friendly enough. „Everything is alright." Jenny nodded before her brow furrowed and she slightly shook her head about what kind of bullshit she was saying. This conversation was completely ridiculous and meaningless, while there were so much more meaningful things to be said! She looked at Emma, considering. Was this the right moment to say this to her? Would Emma deny everything? - She at least had to try and dip her foot into the water.

„I've gotten mail today," Jenny informed casually, slipping it into the conversation, harmless and noncommittal, hoping to draw some kind of telling reaction from Emma, while giving her something to work with. How must it feel to be in her place now? Emma gulped again, and Jenny was almost sure that tiny beads of sweat were forming on her palish forehead. That was not exactly a good sign, was it?

A jolt of panic tore through Emma at Jenny's words. She got her mail! Shit, what was she supposed to say now?! Jenny read those words. She knew everything, knew of her feelings, knew of her fears. Emma was in her hands now, completely. And how did Jenny look? Completely neutral! What was Jenny's reaction to those words, to her feelings, to her apology? Jenny did not give anything away, that damn girl, what was she supposed to do now?

Emma's heart pounded wildly in nervousness and she nearly choked when to fill the space she said, „Oh. Really?" - She could not go out there, admit it, offer herself up and just wait for Jenny to slice in...

„Yes," Jenny said pointedly, almost amused now. Did Emma really mean to play dumb?

Emma's fidgetiness certainly seemed to have risen once the words about the postcards had left her mouth, and Jenny was pretty sure now that those were the reason for the uncertain, halting conversation they were having. Of course Emma must have been uncertain, not knowing if her written words arrived her yet or not.

„And…what…did…it…say?" Emma asked stagnant, helplessly raising one eyebrow in question at the end, not sure if the whole world would crumble down around her at any moment or not. She just wasn't able to go ahead and be nonchalant about it, no matter how much she wished herself to be more cool and nonchalant and outspoken – like Jenny was. This - those words - those were her life and whatever Jenny had to say about them,… - it could be death... - or endless glory.

„A lot," Jenny answered with a smile tucking at her lips, when she thought about Emma's words again and how they had flooded her body with warmth and overwhelming heat.

She observed the girl standing nervously in front of her, finding her more cute by the minute, and with a raised eyebrow, offered to hopefully release Emma from her pain and troubles, „Everything I wanted?"

A sudden rush of tingling, overwhelming happiness went from Emma's heart to her head and through her entire body, which stunned her. She could not believe it. She probably did not hear right, because she could hear her blood rushing through her ears. She must have misheard. She certainly did not trust her ears, and she would not let this overwhelm her if she was not a hundred and eighty percent sure.

Emma swallowed, her mouth dry, while a hint of relieve already had managed to sneak its way unawarely onto her now rosy face, and she reassured herself, „Y-yeah?"

„Yes!" Jenny exclaimed, not able to hold it back any more once she believed to have seen a flicker of hope in those warm brown eyes, a flicker of love, and an open wide grin took over her face. „God, Emma, it blew me away!"

„Really?" Emma asked. Jenny's grin was infectious. Emma couldn't help the smile, couldn't help the hope to trickle into her body and make her beam from deep inside. All the time she had been worried was blown away in one second by that happy grin on Jenny's face and the words out of her mouth. „Yes!" Jenny said.

Emma was ready to fly. She could take off right now. Take off and fly into Jenny's arms, that's how happy she felt. „So you mean, you're not mad with me anymore?" Emma ventured.

„No!" Jenny said carefree and in high spirits before the words and the events behind them caught up to her brain again and she found some ground back under her feet - Emma, pushing her away, leaving her behind with Timo, making her look like a desperate, overstepping, lesbian fool. Her expression leveled. „I mean, yes. But not if that never happens again."

A soft smile appeared on Jenny's face before a piece of fear and doubt clouded her mind yet again and she needed to know...needed to hear, to make her previous words true.

Jenny gazed at Emma in suspense and stepped closer. Not able to help herself, her fingers grazed Emma's arm before they slipped into her bag to pull those two postcards from her bag to make them real and what they were talking about clear.

„Did you mean what you wrote in there?" Jenny looked down at the cards in her hand, nervously turning them around between her fingers before completing her question, „That you want me to - …" She looked up at Emma. „That you want me?"

Emma was missing some air, like she often was when those blue eyes were looking directly at her. She actually knew the answer to that question, but…She looked around, people were all around them, enjoying their break, immediately passing them to complete the line to the kiosk, which they had let get away from them due to their conversation. She looked down at those postcards which represented everything that was in her heart. She could and would not back away now. Not now that Jenny was open to forgive her and she could have everything that she had wanted, had longed for and hurt about the last weekend.

Emma stepped even closer to Jenny to cover her words and her voice lowered in fear and in plea. „I- I do," she admitted open, in a whisper, but out loud, hoping that Jenny would believe her, even if she did not shout it out loud, and she suddenly felt tears form at the brim of her eyes at her inability to do so and her fear about what that might mean for their relationship. Jenny would want somebody who would be proud, outspoken and self-certain. Emma just had to hope she'd understand. „But...- I'm... - scared, Jenny, I…" All those people around her…

Jenny spotted the upcoming tears in Emma's eyes, leaving a pang in her chest, while she was astounded enough to hear those words out of Emma's mouth. - But the way she said them more tortured than happy...? She looked around, following Emma's restless eyes. - Of course Emma would be scared, - and thinking about it, she did not want to do this in public, either.

„Pssht, wait," Jenny said reassuringly, cutting into Emma's sentence. She quickly looked around once more, almost making them bump into each other while taking another step into Emma's direction. Making a decision, Jenny took Emma's hand. „Come with me."

Emma looked down, feeling Jenny's slender fingers close around her own. But she had not much time to react or think about it, because in the next moment she was pulled away, along the student lounge, through the crowds and down the hallway, and it felt surprisingly good - to have Jenny's hand hold her own and lead the way.

Only for this moment alone, writing those postcards had definitely been the right decision, already.