140 Alternative - Chap 2
(Here we are again! THANKS for all the comments, you made me very happy, and also I loved hearing from you Rui! Special thanks to Ms Globe+Mother!)
If this was real then right at this moment Emma felt like she was dying a happy death. A moment before she had felt like choking on her own words, the pressure, if Jenny would understand, and the looks – if they were there or just in her head - had made her tense, but all those worried thoughts seemed to be superfluous with the move Jenny had made, reassuring her that no words were needed from her right now. Jenny's hand grasped her own, causing her throat to constrict once more, but in a very different way.
Emma was nervous, excited, overwhelmed, thrilled, in disbelief and very, very much in a blackout-like state due to the sudden, unexpected touch at her hand. She felt her ears turning red and the burning in her cheeks, how the blood got pumped in her head with a rush before in the next moment it felt like it was all rapidly dropping down again, leaving her head and brain on their own, while anxious sweat was forming around the back of her neck, thinking about the people surrounding them. Her synapses were just firing and at the end she did not know what exactly it was they were trying to tell her anymore. She was aware, though, that it seemed like Jenny was forgiving her, or why else would she have taken her hand into her own like they belonged together?!
Though her mind was a jumble, her feet fluidly followed the command of the pull at her
A hundred steps later, Emma's vitals got accustomed enough to the stimulus at her hand to have calmed down a notch, but still Emma herself kept being in a fascinated daze. The hand holding her own made her feel unbelievably anchored after the emotional up and down she had put herself through, and Jenny leading her away in hurried steps, felt like she was being in on something secret - something special. Something special that was beating around her chest. Something that was not for everyone's eyes, but only hers. Hers and Jenny's. Only for them to experience. They were passing through the hallways holding hands, and it didn't matter. They were just two girls racing through the school. Completely normal. Or at least it didn't feel weird to her right now, but fully right, and for this moment she didn't care about the others, or rather did not really realize that there were even others around. Everything they were passing was just a blur to her. The only thing sharp being the image of Jenny pulling her along in front of her. Her brown hair falling over her shoulders and dark blazer, which Emma noticed was shorter than her pink shirt that was showing at the end of her lower back and covered a good portion of the leopard leggings, that were tightly covering the brunette's butt and legs ...
Jenny suddenly came to a stop, making Emma almost crash and collide with her, but she reacted quick enough to reach a hand out to Jenny's waist to make her only gently tumble into the brunette's back, cushioning the impact pleasantly. Emma felt her hand being squeezed in response, while Jenny's fetching perfume rose into her nose, making her insides flap, and she rather heard a door being opened, before actually seeing that they were standing in front of one. Quickly understanding though, that they apparently had reached their goal, Emma looked around, realizing that they were standing in front of the girls locker room. Just why here, and what was supposed to follow, she was not sure.
"No one in here," Jenny said to her in a conspiratorially voice, after having peeked into the room, and she looked pleased with herself when she pushed the door further open before giving Emma's hand a last tuck to make her move into the room behind her - the purpose of the quick get away dawning on Emma slowly.
Jenny let go of Emma's hand and took a few steps further in, onto the height of the benches to throw a quick look into the showers, but seeing no one there either, a devilish, delighted smile tucked at her lips. No one there. Only Emma and her in one room. Alone. She turned back to Emma, who was closing the door behind her at the moment, and Jenny just looked at her until Emma met her eyes, and she could see that eventually the same realization about them being alone dawned on Emma, too.
Suspense was quickly building. What to do now? What to say? There was so much and not enough. What would make them click, and what could make Emma shy away? The pregnant silence tore at Jenny and was possibly able to make her burst, but when Emma looked back at her with the same questions in her brown, warm, but slightly anxious, eyes - with the same suspense of ... of just something having to happen, her mind was no longer the one leading her, but it was her legs, taking the needed steps to get to Emma, and her hands, reaching out to Emma's face, her body and senses, picking up on that certain quickly rising tension of unspoken words and feelings in the room, piling up into needful, finger-twitching longing.
Jenny simply could not help herself, could not think of any words, could not think of any other way to express this and calm those brown eyes that no longer looked as if they knew where they belonged, but instead floated in the uncertain in-betweens, striving to break out. She stepped forward, her lips crashing into Emma's, hungry and eager, being met with the same desire, causing the brunette burning delight. It seemed like ages since she had last kissed those lips and she did not want to waste one more second not kissing them, knowing that Emma loved and wanted it, too. She had said so in her cards. Her lips - so soft and plump and tasty! With her steps she backed Emma up against the locker room's door, and her approach was being welcomed by hands swiftly finding their place on her waist, making her tingle all over.
Kisses. Only just kisses.
Emma was speechless. Not that she would have had a very good chance to speak with Jenny's lips covering her own, pulling and sucking at her, anyway, but this was more than she had dreamed of. Jenny forgiving her just like that, and kissing her just like that - unbelievable. She had been ready to get her head pulled off for being an overanxious jerk, but Jenny putting her mouth on her own had released her from all those worries, all the tension, making her turn gooey in no time, and making her want to reciprocate and prove that she really meant what she had written to Jenny - she really wanted to try. So Emma kissed Jenny back with all that she had, and with Jenny pressing against her in response, Emma quickly felt her body overheat from the inside - it was the best feeling in the world. Jenny kissing her sped her heart rate up into the hundreds, making her simply feel alive, and this feeling of being alive should never stop. She was transcending into worlds she never knew of. Up, and down, down, and up - her heart pumping.
Jenny was left breathless from Emma's response. She could not believe these feelings, making her blood coursing through her body feel like a roller coaster ride. If anyone ever betrayed her like Emma did, after all the shit that had happened to her in her life, she'd give them the boot, without hesitation. A lost cause. Either people were with her, or they were not – that was one of her new mottos. But with Emma, all her good senses were gone. Right at this moment she felt like Emma could do anything and she'd just forgive her like that again, forever, with a snap of her fingers, because the things she made her feel... - it was exhilarating and definitely, definitely addictive! - Emma's tongue responded beautifully to her own, and when Emma's hand stroked her back up and down again, it made Jenny shudder in an unknown way from head to toe, causing her to pull back, while letting her hands dive deeply into the blonde's hair at the back of her head in fear she might loose her hold, even if it was only their lips that disconnected.
"God," Jenny rasped overwhelmed and let their foreheads connect, flexing her fingers in Emma's hair to grasp Emma, to just feel Emma, feel more of Emma, every soft Emma-hair between her fingers... – she loved this and definitely, definitely wanted more of this, wanted this to become a permanent thing. But for that, she realized, once catching Emma's eyes, they eventually had to stop kissing for a moment. Nothing was said or sorted. She - and Emma, too, were still hanging on a thread.
"Hmm?" Emma asked, oblivious, when just like that and without a warning, those pulling, alluring lips disappeared from her own, and her lips were left cold, with the locker room's air hitting their moistness. What was happening? What was wrong? Hadn't she just been in Wonderland? Why did it stop?! Emma opened her eyes, in the same but much more intense daze from the one she had been in before, slowly coming back to the world when she met Jenny's eyes and Jenny's forehead connected with her own, giving her back some kind of stability, rooting them together.
If Emma had thought that Jenny pulling her through the hallways had felt like they were sharing some kind of little bubble, a kind of parallel universe to what was going on around them in the hallways, then this, this universe, could fill up several galaxies. How could she have forgotten how it felt like kissing Jenny? - No, wait, of course not. She had not forgotten. Such nonsense! She still could feel Jenny's lips on her own from the night of the strike or from the day after that, or the day after that, but compared to this? That felt like kindergarten! It was nice, and soft and sweet and tender and perfect in its own, but this here, this had more need, this had more longing, uncontrollable want. Thirsty kisses after having been stranded for too long, after having thought to never feel that again! This was about something bigger than tender, cautious first kisses. Emma realized that. Here, today, they were on a breaking point. Either they made it or...or not, - no experiment. But they both wanted it, or at least it seemed like it, so...so it had to work, right?
Jenny's fingers longingly squeezed and pulled on her hair one last time, making Emma feel captivated and nicely settled in Jenny's embrace, before Jenny's hands turned gentle and ran tinglingly - one down her neck, the other, over her ear and her cheek, before they both found their way to the collar of her blue plaid shirt, tucking at it thoughtfully, while words left the brunette's mouth like they had never interrupted the conversation they had been having in front of the kiosk before, which felt right, because, after all, they were sharing that little bubble right now. Nothing else existed, but them, and their moments.
"Emma," Jenny started softly with her breathing still slightly unsteady from their kiss. "I don't want you to step out there, shouting it to everyone from the top of your lungs." That was not what this was about, and not for the first time did Jenny say that, but she knew by now that some things had to be said more than once to get through that damn thick head, and if needed, she'd say it a hundred times more. "I just want you to be with me. You don't need to tell anyone if you don't want to. Just the two of us. Being and sticking together." - Jenny wanted that so much. She longed for somebody to share her life with. Without that possibility of Emma and her - without Emma, she felt terribly alone in this new surrounding.
Jenny looked at Emma, their foreheads reconnecting, blue eyes meeting brown ones, which had that cryptic tinge of green that always had the ability to surprise her and that she sometimes was just unable to read, like now, unsettling her. Why did she have to choose such a surprise package - never knowing what to expect? Seriously! Not knowing what could come out of that mouth in the next moment made her heart beat erratically in her chest! It felt like she was constantly in the moment, over aware, in all these little situations with Emma, making her system work overtime and herself restless. - Oh, but probably that was why... - Jenny wanted to kick herself in the shins for loving the unknown and a bit of a challenge. Because if it was up to her, then this thing would be a done deal by now, and all that tension that this Emma-situation caused her would be long released. But it was not, and that was okay again, because Emma...Emma needed baby-steps. This was new, and also that was a fact that Jenny adored. Jenny just had to remind herself again and again how that was, and how she would like somebody to be if she were in Emma's situation... - Patience, she knew she had to capitalize that word, and was ready to, if only she could be sure.
"Is that okay?" Jenny finally asked candidly, concentrating her eyes on Emma and taking a deep breath. Her lips still burned and wanted to reconnect, but this was more important. They had to agree. She did not want to hang on a thread, she wanted a rope, if not out of steel, then out of cotton at least. "Can you do that?"
This was the edge, once again. Emma's breath faltered. But having Jenny there - so close, so warm and comfy in her arms, pressing against her, it suddenly did not feel that edgy anymore. It was a round, logical thing to Emma by now. To keep these sensational feelings she was having at this moment, she had to commit to Jenny, had to let her envelop her and fill her up, let her enter every fiber of her body. She could no longer push her away - duck and dance around her. It made complete sense to her now – like a puzzle coming together. She expected the same of Jenny, for her to mean it, to not let her fall into nothingness, for her to be by her side, so she had to do that, too, - and Jenny never would have pushed her away in that situation.
"Yes," Emma answered, and closed her eyes when it tore painfully in her chest. She just did not know if she could do that. Doubts filled her quickly, scenarios popping up in front of her mind's eye of being left cold, of being not strong enough... - Where was that courage? She had to have it somewhere! Emma tightly grasped the fabric of Jenny's clothes beneath her fingertips and leaned forward, searching for reassuring contact, making their noses bump while pressing their faces together, whispering, "Yes, I want to do that - so badly!"
Jenny felt light. She levitated, her feet hovering slightly over the floor. This was a big step forward - hearing that heartfelt admission out of Emma's mouth. At this moment she could say, for unexpected moves and words like this from Emma, she lived. Jenny slid her palms over Emma's shoulders, hooking her arms around her neck to let their bodies connect. She just wanted to be near Emma, experience each step they got closer, and let Emma feel that she was safe with her. Content, she breathed Emma in, while she playfully nudged the blonde's nose back with her own as she questioned, "And if anyone ever sees us again?"
Emma felt her back slowly reconnect with the door when Jenny pressed closer. The feeling she was about to get kissed, made her breath catch. Apparently she had said the right thing, because she felt like with her words, and Jenny's increased body contact, they were well on the way to transferring to another level. To another level in their...well, relationship?! Jenny was so close, she could feel and smell her breath dancing excitingly around her mouth, making her dizzy. They – no, ... she, actually was being in a relationship...kind of...almost..., was she? Wow. Jenny's heady perfume filtered into her nose, making her close her eyes. She'd just agree to anything right now with that soothing tingling in her chest. Any relationship, she'd do it with Jenny. Thinking? What was that!? At the end she only was aware of Jenny's belly against her own, her warmth transferring and radiating in soft waves throughout her, while she felt herself getting lost in it.
When Emma opened her eyes again a moment later, wondering about the lips that were not touching her mouth yet, she noticed Jenny raising an eyebrow questioningly at her, causing her to try to snap out of it again. Right. There had been a question. What was...uh... - if someone saw them again, then… - "I'll...- I'll stay calm!" Emma promised hurriedly, a bit overeager, wanting to reassure Jenny, while she was glad to have found some words which made actual sense and would surely make her receive that kiss that was just a breath away, sealing their new level. Emma's eyes swayed down to Jenny's mouth.
Jenny could not help the chuckle bubbling out of her chest, causing her to pull slightly back. Until this day she had seen everything but pure calmness being displayed in Emma's eyes! Okay, eventually a tinge of it, in her car, when she had driven her home, but that was just them with no influences from outside, no Emma-made-up-catastrophes surrounding them. She was seriously curious about that calm, laid back Emma, though. It had to exist in there somewhere, right? By the confused and hurt look Emma gave her, Jenny quickly leaned in again and reached up, cupping the blonde's face in her hands, while shaking her head and saying with a teasing smile, "Now, why do I doubt that?"
Emma pressed her lips together. A sulky look passed over her face, making Jenny alarmed, until eventually Emma gave a slight huff, having to admit that just maybe Jenny did have a point. Between love confessions, trial works, presentations, digging and getting caught kissing - twice, she had not exactly shown herself from her calm side. So she corrected softly, if still with a tiny sulky tinge, "I won't leave you alone." The lopsided, pleased smile that lifted the corner of Jenny's mouth in response, showing off one of her dimples, was enough to sooth Emma and let her forget about that little dig.
"Better," nodded Jenny agreeing, before unpleasant feelings bubbled up in her chest again and she occupied herself with brushing short blonde strands behind one of Emma's ears. Emma pushing her away in front of Timo, making her look like a complete fool, like she molested his friend in some way...She never wanted to be in that situation again. "...because that hurt," she admitted. Beside looking bad, it was absolutely shit finding out that the person she wanted to be with was not a person she could rely on when it got tough. But that eventually could change, or at least, she wanted to believe that. With a little work, everyone deserved a second chance. After all, she knew that best.
"I know," Emma said ruefully, her eyes turning down. She hated that she had hurt Jenny, and almost made herself loose her, and she would give anything to take it back, but she knew that she couldn't. However,...she had to be able to do something, right? An impulse went through her and she nestled her nose against Jenny's chin, her arms tightening around her. "I'm sorry," she said, shyly peeking up, realizing that the thing she could do was wrapping Jenny up in her arms now, trying to make her feel better now, giving her solace now, and showing her exactly what she thought – if she could she'd take it back!
"It's okay," Jenny said, smiling softly, loving the pull of Emma's arms around her back that made her settle tighter against the blonde, giving her the feeling of Emma wanting her to belong to her. She knew how difficult it could be at the start, so in order to sooth Emma, she leaned in, placing a brief, warm and forgiving kiss at the corner of her mouth, and another on her lips when the blonde just looked too cute, when her eyes closed in pleasant surprise.
Jenny's kisses felt like the wind, and when they were no more Emma followed the ghosts of the touch with her head like a newborn, trying to find its feeding breast.
Jenny attentively watched the dreamy look on Emma's face and how her lips seemed to search for her own, making her smile contentedly, pleased that apparently she had a hold on Emma, which she hoped not to be fleeting. There was just this one thing ...
"Just don't do it again," Jenny said, urging softly.
Emma opened her eyes swiftly, torn from her wonderland, her heartbeat picking up again with a start. "No, I…" she blinked in disbelief, thinking to have heard a certain hidden vulnerability in Jenny's voice, making her realize the doubt and mistrust she might have cast in Jenny, though Emma knew, judging by the warm, chaotic, ceremonial feast that was going on in her chest, that that was completely unnecessary. But how was Jenny supposed to know?
Emma's eyes shifted restlessly between Jenny's, seeing herself in front of the next challenge.
She had to convince Jenny that she'd never do that again. She just had to make her understand, that she never ever wanted to feel like these last few days again. She never had felt this tremendously terrible and awful before. It was not only that she had hurt Jenny, but like Jenny had said, she had hurt herself by denying their relationship, and who she is. Knowing how mad and disappointed Jenny had been with her and thinking that that chance with her was gone, had felt like her heart was being slowly ripped out of her chest, one fiber after the other, and she had bled internally, fearing and knowing that in two or three days she'd be no more. She'd just be empty, an empty vessel. Nothing left, and she'd be doomed to live an unhappy awful life until she'd actually die. Just how was she supposed to express this to Jenny now?
"I - I won't …!" Emma stuttered forcefully, but still helpless, fishing for ways to say what was trapped in her heart. "Not seeing you - … having you be that mad at me - … thinking that - … I really felt - …" Her throat burned, too full with emotions to allow the started sentences to actually pass through. She had been so scared that Jenny never wanted anything to do with her again!
"What?" Jenny asked patiently and leaned her head to the side, her, when it came to Emma, runaway fingers finding their way to the blonde's ear, stroking and caressing it gently, in order to have some kind of outlet for the antsy feeling that was quickly building inside of her chest by watching Emma's unsteady eyes. No matter how cool and relaxed Jenny made herself look to the outside, she could see in Emma's posture that there was something brewing inside of her that she struggled, but seriously needed, to get out, which made Jenny more than nervous, too – curious and daringly hopeful what it was - , because with Emma it seemed like, if she did show what was hidden inside of her, it always was through a massive outbreak, like a volcano – like when Emma performed and her heart was really in it, she exploded, or when something was seriously rubbing her the wrong way - she had exploded because of that, many times, right in Jenny's face. It seemed to just concentrate in her until it was unstoppable, impossible to be held back, like she was unable to let it out in doses, and Jenny was excited and at the same time very scared to stand on the end of one of those outbreaks now. What if it wasn't what her senses told her it was?
"Just say it Emma," Jenny encouraged, internally fidgeting, shifting from one foot to the other.
Emma's heart tumbled in her chest. She looked up at Jenny, and inhaled deeply, when in that moment all zoned in, Jenny's eyes and words catching her and pulling her down, letting her feet find ground, since those expectant and demanding blue eyes looking at her, made it quickly melt down to only one thing, one thing being left in her speech center, which was the only thing that made this whole thing make sense, made her feelings make sense. She just had to say it and let it out there, in this moment.
The world turned in slow motion and Emma was close to an out-of-body-experience when the words finally did leave her mouth in wondrous acknowledgment, her eyes fixated on Jenny's, "I think...I really love you."
The room was quiet.
To Emma it was like the last piece in the puzzle, and with saying it she felt she had finished and accomplished something - her puzzle, and she was handing it over to Jenny now, her fragile sense-making puzzle that with one careless touch could possibly go tumbling down into a thousand pieces again, but that didn't matter right now, because now in this moment she felt it. Deep down. She felt strained saying it, but it felt good. There it was, finally, out there, making sense, and now she just had to wait for Jenny to say something, to make it okay, to wrap her up safely, if only with one touch, like when Hotte left and Jenny made it okay with just one touch, telling her without saying a word that she'd be there now. She just had to do it now, too. She just had to!
Jenny gasped, once the words sunk in, and she reached for Emma's hair at the back of her neck, pulling herself close when the words washed over her and overwhelmed her, making her the happiest girl in the entire world. She never would have thought to ever hear these words out of Emma's mouth. The constant up and down, the constant is she or isn't she, will she or won't she, that had been going on in her head the last weeks had just made her doubtful and deadened to the possibility, but hearing it now, being rewarded for her patience and fight, it made her eyes sting with tears and her heart burst of bliss. Emma liked her – no, she loved her! "I may be a lost cause for many things," Jenny thought. "…but I am no lost cause for love!"
She didn't even care about Emma's 'I think' part, she just cared about the 'I love you' part, because that was what mattered, and in Emma's words 'I think, I love you' must be equal to 'I'm terribly deep in love with you', because that girl was cautious and soft-spoken about her true feelings. Always so guarded. But Jenny knew what Emma meant, because it was written all over her eyes. What she meant was deep. Jenny felt it, and it made her smile, and easy to reply with, "I think I really love you, too." Only that Jenny did not think it, she knew it, and she believed Emma must know and feel it, too, but eventually they just were not there yet, and that was okay, too. Jenny did not want to be the bull with the gate, bursting the tiny bit of paradise.
Emma gulped overwhelmed, fighting her eyes to stay open and fixated on Jenny's, not letting herself be overwhelmed and shy away. She wanted this, so she had to endure and believe in it, too.
"Yeah?" asked Emma's shy eyes.
"Yeah," said Jenny's confident smile and she leaned forward to kiss Emma once again.
Their lips met and there was that gentleness again ... the tenderness. Emma bravely reached up, cupping one of Jenny's cheeks in her palm, while she smiled into their kiss, her mind at rest for once. This, - these slow, loving, gentle kisses, those were the ones she had missed, and those were the ones that made her feel held and treasured with just that slightest bit of curiousness involved of what else was there to come, because she really wanted and felt there to be more things to come.
Jenny sighed into the kiss that captured her lips, loving the blonde's quickly learning touch, and she wondered if with this, - this kiss, with Emma, if she'd get something she'd always dreamed of. Something true and real. Because that … that was the inkling she had. She noticed herself sink against Emma, letting loose, and wound her arms around her, while it felt like she was a boat … slowly settling into her home haven.