A/N: Hello! *waves* I hope you guys enjoy this! It's a little funny, a lot of UST, and classic Bella. Yes- she's your typical klutz, so please don't be mad at me over all her accidents- they are part of what makes the story.
Thank you to beta ladies, the lovely ninmesarra and prettyflour, ya'll are awesome! And my friend and pre-reader, samrosey, Thank you BIG hunny! They all have stories published here, and they are all great writers! If you're looking for something new to try, check them out! :)
And here we go!
It had been a long ass day at work. I really, really just wanted to go home and put my feet up. Maybe watch reruns of Friends. I needed a vacation. I needed to get away. That job was going to break me. I hated it. Editing textbooks? How much more boring could it get? I was ready to get my novel published. It was a freaking awesome novel. Rose and Alice both said so, and they love those sappy books that their mom, Esme, calls erotica. I'd only sent it to fifty different publishing companies; surely one of them would like it, right? But no, after two months, I had thirty letters saying that while they enjoyed the story, they didn't think it was right for their company. Well, woo-freaking-hoo. I was sick to death of editing other people's writing. It was a good job and paid the bills, but dang it, I really needed a vacation.
I'd been sitting for what seemed like a matter of mere minutes, but must have been over an hour. A knock sounded at the door. I shouted for them to go away but they persisted. Then I remembered my girls were coming over to party it up with me. They originally wanted to go clubbing, but I am much happier just staying here and having a drink. We needed dancing why? Oh yeah, that's right, I can't dance. The last time they tried to teach me, I broke Rose's toe, and squished Alice by falling on top of her. While it may have been the closest I'd been to a person in ages, I just couldn't feel that way about her. She was missing a vitally important part. A penis. Angela was coming tonight, too, and yes, she'd been in on the dance lessons. It was her foot I'd tripped over, scoring me a broken wrist when I tried to catch myself. Classic, graceless, and simply… me.
The girls were bringing the booze, I was supplying the snacks. I heard a key being inserted in the door so I went and opened the pantry and pulled out brownies, chips & dip, popcorn and bags of wrapped candy. It was Rose's turn to pick the movie, so she put in some horror flick that had me and Alice screaming and Angela was trying not to toss her cookies… er, brownies.
Rose finally got sick of our screaming hysterics and turned the movie off. I'd never been more relieved in my life. Alice, having already finished off a bottle of wine, almost by herself, decided it was time for truth or dare. I declared it was time for bed. They ignored my suggestion. Alice even went so far as to tell me that it was truth or dare or spin the bottle. I pointed out to her that we were all girls, and she giggled and said, "Well, Bella, you gotta get some action somehow." Someone remind me why I liked these girls? And just exactly how old were we?
My other girls just laughed. Bitches. They thought it was the greatest thing ever. Freaking traitors. I was not that pathetic, was I? Apparently I was. Angela informed me that I had to let go of Sam once and for all. Yeah, we'd dated all through college, but really, I shouldn't be pining after him a year later when he'd been the one that couldn't keep his stuff in his pants. That's right; he was constantly and repeatedly dipping his stick in someone else's fun dip. Why I couldn't get over him, no one would ever understand unless I told them- and I wasn't ready to tell them yet. They were just going to have to let. It. Go. I was done discussing him.
Rose went first, choosing truth. Alice asked her what the craziest sexual position she'd ever tried was. Rose's response sounded like something out of a porno. "Is that even possible?" I'd questioned. My girls all laughed. Even Angela and she was a virgin- unless she was keeping secrets… So what? I wasn't very experienced either; I can so think of worse things to be true! At least I wasn't a skank-ho that was dripping with disease like that Victoria girl we'd graduated with. Only last month, I heard she was in the slammer for prostitution. Why am I not surprised?
Rose asked Angela and she chose a dare. She really should have known better. Her dare involved us trekking to the nearest bus station and boobs. Yeah, you guessed it. Rose dared her to flash the elderly bus driver her bare chest. We all ran away, laughing like the drunken idiots we were. I did manage to say a quick prayer that he didn't have a heart attack. I'd seen him with his wife at my favorite cafe, and well, his wife's breasts hung to her knees. I was sure seeing them where they were supposed to be along with the rest of Angie's taut body would totally send him stroking out.
We finally got back to my house and settled in to play some more. Angela asked me and I said truth. Why I said truth, I'll never know. They wanted to know how long it had been since I'd had my kooka tapped. Seriously? Do people really talk like that? They were full of surprise when I told them it'd been nine months. Alice and Rose had never gone longer than a month without getting laid. And Rose only went without because Emmett had pissed her off royally, having told his mom she didn't want kids. What guy does that? Seriously?
After Alice had been dared to lick the frozen pole outside- so sue me, I was drunk and it was the best I could come up with that wouldn't get her arrested- it was back to me. Fantastic. I chose a dare this time. There was no way I was picking truth after answering their previous question? Plus, I was drunk- that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I was now going to be forced to allow each of them to set me up on a blind date. I should have went with what would get Al arrested…
I had the stuffing scared out of me by Angie screaming her excitement, "I have the perfect guy for you! His name is Eric Yorkie."
"That sounds like a dog!" Rose laughed.
Angela assured me, "He is sweet and has a great personality."
"That translates into fat and ugly," Rose explained. She was such a guy sometimes.
Alice thought that her friend Mikey would be 'the one.' I didn't know people still believed in crap like that. I rolled my eyes when she said he owned a big outdoors store. I hated being outside for long periods of time. I burned, but never tanned, and there was also the fact that I was a walking danger magnet. The girls tried to take me hiking one time, but we didn't even make a fourth of a mile up the mountain trail before I was rolling back down. I had waited at the trail head with my ever present copy of Wuthering Heights. Did she really think this guy was the one for me?
Rose wanted to set me up with her buddy Embry, who worked at the auto body shop with her. I sighed in resignation. I knew they were never going to let up. I may as well play along and when it didn't work out, who would care? Not me, that was for sure. And maybe, just maybe, it would buy me some time to convince them to back the hell off. I'd find my own relationship when I was damn good and ready.
They talked some more, and I refilled their wine glasses. The Moscato was my favorite, and I saved it for last, knowing they'd stop before me. I didn't plan on Alice demanding they all sleep at my house. So much for hogging my favorite drink. They made a list of things they thought I needed to do before I started my round of blind dates. I hated gifts and pampering, but I guess that's what was happening. They didn't know how to take no for an answer. It was really irritating. Rose was splurging for massages. Alice was paying for manicures and pedicures, and Angela was going to get us all facials. I was paying for haircuts. And apparently highlights.
And did I mention Alice was bound and determined to take me shopping? No amount of begging and pleading was going to get her to let go of that idea. "You guys! I have plenty of clothes! I don't need new ones for a date," I complained.
This led to a hike up the stairs to my bedroom and a bomb detonating in my closet. Alice of course being said bomb. My clothing was scattered all over my bedroom floor, the bed, the chair, and any other available surface in there. (It was going to take me hours to put it all back where it belonged. I'm apparently a little anal and must have them separated appropriately: by type and color; jeans, short sleeves, long sleeves, skirts… You get the drift.) When they had declared all of my clothes not fit for anything but work, I relented. It really was futile to fight with these girls. I just hoped they didn't break my bank.
Finally contented with my capitulation, they finally passed out on the front room floor. They'd all had way more to drink than I had. I picked up the snacks and took them to the kitchen, deciding it could wait until tomorrow, I left them on the counter. I picked up the Moscato and my laptop and went to my bedroom. I needed to check my bank account if we were shopping tomorrow. Next Saturday was spa day and then the dates would begin. I'm super excited about that- can you tell?
Relaxing with the fact that my balance was sitting pretty with a few hundred more than I remembered it having, and all my recent purchases/debits having cleared. I was just praying that Alice wouldn't demand stilettos or freakishly high heels. Ballet flats were more my speed. Although, to face facts, I could still manage to kill myself and three other people with my lack of equilibrium barefoot.
Sliding the computer to the floor, I cuddled close to my pillow to try and get a little sleep before the winos woke me up with their groanings of headaches and the nasty sounds of vomiting- they were all going to be so hung-over in the morning… I couldn't wait to stomp around and laugh loudly. They would kill me. Yeah, I was drunk too, but I was one of the lucky few people to never experience a hangover. Jealous? You should be!
My eyes closed finally and I drifted to dreams of Sam. I could hear his voice in my nightmares demanding I take care of it. Well, I really wanted to "take care of it." Unfortunately he wasn't giving me permission to kill the ho-bags he dallied with when I wasn't "putting out enough. It took everything I had in me not to castrate that Son of a bitch and make him eat it, but alas, being the daughter of the police chief, that was never a good idea. I'd be in jail for sure. And well, I wasn't cut out to be some freakishly large woman's bitch. That just couldn't happen. So, I buried those feelings and managed to trudge through life one day at a time. I just had to repeat my mantra, "Not all guys are pricks. Sam is one of a few. Sam is an ass. Sam is worse than an ass." And so on. I didn't want to be bitter. It wasn't worth it. My therapist said I couldn't let him have that kind of power over me. I needed to take the power back. With that memory, I decided to make the most of the blind dates I'd been suckered into. Everyone knows that Bella Swan doesn't back down from a dare. Ever.
A/N: I promise to leave chapter length notes at the top of every chapter! Lol! I've got a few chapters ahead on this one already- so I think we are looking at a weekly posting- provided RL allows it!
Love it/hate it? I want to know! Thanks for reading! xx