A/N: Hi guys! This was a story that me and The Vampaneze Lady wrote for a random story competition. So if you don't have a sense of humor, and don't enjoy randomness, I recommend you stop reading now.
Once upon a smell, there was a city named Lartenville. In this city, pompous buildings lived, smacking the heads of any passersby's who dared to use a contraction. It was in this very town that an apple named Steve ventured, trying to find the airplane named Darren (it was rumored he resided in the city.) Lartenville was a dangerous place, not one where you should trespass alone, so Steve brought with him four companions.
The first was a bag of granola. This particular sack of oats was terrified of the color red, due to Steve's other companion, Jeanette. Jeanette. Jeanette was a red cherry, and as sweet as she seemed on the inside, she was not someone you wanted to mess with-as Gannen had learnt from experience. The third traveler was Abby. She-just like Jeanette-was also a red cherry, and even though she was a little less misunderstood than the other cherry girl, she was not to be underestimated. The fourth and final of Steve's group was less than a friend, but merely a stranger he had picked up on his journey. This was Kurda, and he was a map; guiding Steve and his friends through the dark alleys and streets of Lartenville, and taking them wherever they wanted to go.
On the other side of town another group was mulling over their own map.
"Go over the hill of cranberry sauce and throught the land of cussing stopsigns…? Where on earth did, you; get this map again?" said Saphire, a doormat who was infamous for her bad grammar.
"I nicked it off sssome Mexican kid…" replied Amber, the leader of the man hunt.
"But this doesn;t… OUCH!" yelled Saphire, having just been smacked in the head by an orange building.
"What the heLl!?" she screamed at the building. "I didn;t –WOULD YOU QUITE THAT!"
The building simply huffed and began drinking ale.
"ANYWAYS!" said Sarah, a monkey who liked exclaiming. "WE WERE TALKING ABOUT –OOOH LOOK A BANANA!"
"We just need to find the plane!" Purred Jenny, the small black kitten, as Sarah ran off to devour the small yellow fruit she had just seen.
"Yeah..." Saphire agreed "Because I want to see that plane!"
Before the words had even left her mouth, Jenny hissed –preparing to attack; both her and Saphire really wanted Darren the plane, and they'd do anything to get him. Saphire tumbled back a few steps in surprise, almost stepping on Ash –A daisy that loved nothing more than for everything to be peaceful.
"Careful guys!" Ash cried, and both the mat and the cat turned to stare at her. "I do not–"she had already learnt not to use contractions in the presence of the buildings "–see why you can't just share Darren the plane, and stay calm and peaceful while you're at it?"
"Because he's going to be mine!" Saphire frowned –getting hit by a building again.
Jenny glared at her for a second before speaking.
"We have to find him first, but Ash is right!" she sighed the cutest kitten sigh anyone had ever heard before continuing "We should not fight –not yet anyone!"
"Well, let us hurry up and find him then!" smiled Rose after she had got over the cuteness of Jenny's sigh.
Rose was a berry with a hidden dark side –She was a nightlock berry –though was surprisingly friendly.
"Okay so what was the first insssstruction?" Amber asked.
"We've has to go into the alley behind the magical KFC," replied Saphire, receiving another wallop to the head.
"This alley stinks!" Steve said in an apple-like manner.
"HONK, HONK, HONK!" shouted Jeannette.
"She said that it smells like fried chicken," translated Abby.
"THAT IS BECAUSE OF ME!" said a dramatic voice.
From the darkest part of the alley a whole, fried chicken emerged, wearing a pair of lederhosen.
BETH!" the voice said passively.
Gannen ran in fear; he had always been afraid of poultry as well, ever since a zombie alligator discoed in front of him.
"HONK-HONK!" screamed Jeannete.
"I AMNOT TRANSLATING THAT!" Abby shouted, and Jeanette honked angrily. She had been speaking in honks ever since they had arrived in Lartenville and no one had any idea why. The honking wasn't the thing that bothered everyone though; it was the fact that, for some strange reason, Abby was now the only one who could understand her; which meant she had to translate and usually translated incorrectly, on purpose of course.
"Shut up, you two!" The apple growled.
"YEAH!" Beth repeated, and everyone turned to stare at her. "So..." she laughed after a few seconds awkward silence "What you all doing in my city?" She grinned happily, and the others gawped at her
"YOUR city?" Steve stuttered.
"For once, I agree with this apple." A voice spoke out of nowhere-causing all of them, apart from Beth, to jump in shock- "This place is my city, not yours."
"Whatever Larten!" Beth shouted to the air-and it took only a few seconds for the others to realise that it was the buildings at either side of the alley that had spoken. "We both know it's my city."
"THEN WHY IS THE BLOODY PLACE NAMED LARTENVILLE?" shouted a flying Charlie Weasley.
"BECAUSE MY NICKNAME IS LARTEN!" Beth raged at the soaring cantaloupe.
Suddenly a group of animate objects stumbled into the alley.
"Okay girls," said Sam the sandwich. "Where does the map say we need to go next?"
"Lemme check," said Amber.
She pulled the map out of her pocket (which is no easy feat when you have no limbs or pockets for that matter) and opened it.
"IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOT TO GO, I AM THE ONE YOU NEED TO KNOW. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. I'M THE MAP. IF THERE'S A PLACE YOU GOT TO GET, I CAN GET YOU THERE I BET! I'M THE MAP!"
"How come him doesn;t –ouch!- get smacked when he uses contraptions?" whined Saphire.
"I like the song," replied an orange building.
"I'MMMM THE MAP!" finished the singing atlas.
"YOU!" Kurda yelled from inside Steve's pocket. "YOU!" Kurda leapt from the pocket and collided with the singing map.
"What the-"The map shouted, but didn't finish his sentence as Kurda interrupted him
"You keep stealing People that I can show around! I HAVE NO BUSINESS!"
"That's because...I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAP! I'M-"
"QUIET!" Kurda yelled, stopping the song.
"Do not start fighting!" Gasped ash, "Please, Just be peaceful!"
"But this map is a bad map!" Kurda scowled, somehow indicating to the other map.
"I'M THE MAP!" The map shouted, "AND YOU'RE NOT!"
"I AM!" Kurda replied, then stopped as the other map charged forward, almost knocking him to the ground. He wobbled for a few seconds and looked like he was going to stay stood-but with nothing to support his balance he fell straight back...Onto Ash the peaceful daisy –squishing her flat.
"OH NO!" Gasped Skylar the puppy dog, rushing to Ash's aid. Jeanette, Abby and Steve all burst into laughter as the puppy, assisted by Sam, pulled Kurda up.
"OW!" he whined, and looked down to see that his left side had a huge rip from where he had landed. "Is...The flower, ok?" he asked, looking really concerned. "I think so," Mumbled Ash, "But it looks like you just lost the States." Indeed he had. There was now a huge hole where the U.S.A was moments before.
*Moments earlier in the U.S.*
"OH HOW I LOVE MCDONALDS!" shouted an obese woman.
"PIZZA IS A VEGETABLE," shouted an obese man.
"BRO, I'M OBAMA," said the white house.
And then there was silence. A single, lonely alarm clock was all that was left of the once great nation.
*back to the alley, present time*
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," blubbered Beth. "YOU ARE A GIRAFFE!"
"NO I AM NOT," protested Nikki. "I am a potato thank you very much."
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGHT!" said Beth, rolling her eyes. "Next you are going to try to convince me that ketchup is red."
"But…" said Nikki before face-palming. "Never mind."
Suddenly, an old looking cheese wheel rolled into the street.
"My name is Dorothy!" he yelled before promptly rolling out of the alley.
"I WILL GET YOU AND YOUR LITTLE DRESSER TOO!" proclaimed Beth.
"WOULD EVERYONE SSSSSHUT UP?!" hissed Amber angrily.
"GANNEN!" Steve shouted in reply "Ask these people what they're doing here and what the hell they want!" The bag of Granola looked around cautiously before stepping forward and asking them what Steve had told him to ask. When Georgina the tennis ball had replied with "Finding Darren the aeroplane" Jeanette had honked loudly, a gesture which Abby had told them, this time, meant that Jeanette was annoyed and wanted to know- in exact words –"Why everyone wanted to find the stupid flying bus!"
"Because..." Steve explained "I want to shoot down that stupid plane!"
"WHAT?" Saphire and Jenny screeched at the same time. "NO! HE WILL BE MINE!" the pair growled at each other again, and in less than a minute were arguing. Steve the apple rolled his eye at the pair and somehow, since he had no limbs, scratched his head where it appeared a worm had begun to nibble through his crunchy green skin.
"Here, let me help you Steve!" Abby smiled.
"HIONK-HONK!" Jeanette contradicted angrily, and, in less time than it had taken the cat and the mat, they started arguing.
"Quiet!" shouted Ash the daisy, but they ignored her. "Be peaceful-it's not nice to fight!" when no one replied, she started chanted to herself. "Peace, peace, peace..." she mumbled quietly as violence erupted all around her. Then yelled and had to jump out of the way as Jeanette-having being pushed over by Abby-rolled backwards and squashed one of her petals, pulling it off.
"SSSTOP!" Amber shouted, "JUST SSSTOP!" Everyone froze-and Amber grinned triumphantly, pleased that she could at least bring some order to the chaos around her.
But then she hissed when an army of post-it notes ran over her tail, singing a chorus of "Tiptoe through the tulips."
Beth raved angrily -these particular notes had been evading her for eleven minutes. So she began searching for the paper squares while reciting a bit of The Raven.
"AND THE SILKEN SAD UNCERTAIN RUSTLING OF EACH PURPLE CURTAIN THRILLED ME -FILLED ME WITH FANTASTIC TERRORS NEVER FELT BEFORE," she screamed.
"BETH," screeched Sarah. "WOULD YOU SHUT IT! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO RECITE EDGAR!"
"MY NAME ISN'T BETH," the over cooked poultry whistled. "MY NAME IS BECK! AND WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT AN EDGAR? I LOVE THE POPE'S POEMS, THOUGH!"
There was a collective facepalm all around