There are spoilers in this, you have been warned.
Aincrad, April 2023
Last time on Sword Art Online, Kirito dispatched some huge boss with a katana weapon with his not-obvious-at-all love interest Asuna-chan. Today, it's a year later and he's getting drunk with his unintroduced guild with a weird name, the Black Cats of the Full Moon.
Why is this happening you ask?
*In an animating studio*
"Okay guys, we're gonna make the best anime ever. I picked up the BEST light novel ever. It has an unbeatable protagonist, hot love interest, takes place in a MMO, AND it's a death game which makes it the best story EVER!" said the director.
"Sounds like a plan! But how will we animate such a masterpiece? The light novel starts on floor 74 and does all the side stories after the main story," said some other guy.
"We'll just do everything chronologically without explaining shit! 1 episode for each side story, except 2 for the Murder arc so it can be SHOCKING when Kuradeel reveals he's from Laughing Cotton."
"But that's against the rules! And how are you going to do Sachi's story in 1 episode?"
"Screw the rules I have money!"
And thus the order of Sword Art Online's episodes were decided.
Here's what should've happened at the beginning of episode 3.
A sharp clang resounded in the air as an ebony sword effortlessly cleaved through a wide eyed green goblin. A black piece of cloth slowly floated to the ground and Kirito picked it up. He sighed. "Man this labyrinth sucks, I still need 950 more pieces of this black cloth to be able to make my new coat."
Said gear in question was the level 45 Blackwyrm Coat. After all, our hero needs to wear completely black clothing and of course he'd already gotten the level 35, 25, 15, and 10 black coats.
"You know what? I think I'll just stay here for the next 15 hours killing these goblins to get my awesome coat," Kirito mused. "After all, Asuna loves dark mysterious guys…"
Anyways, while our hero of justice Kirito was fantasizing about the kawaii desu Asuna-chan, a scream rang out. "Oh my god it's a goblin with an axe!"
"Come on Sachi just charge and own that goblin!" yelled the guild leader dude.
"But axes beat lances leaderrrr!"
A group of angry goblins with swords, axes, and lances stood facing the Black Cats of the Full Moon. With the weapon triangle advantage, the goblins were nigh unstoppable.
"Rrraaaaaagh!" yelled an angry goblin as he swung his axe down at Sachi.
But Kirito suddenly whirled around and thrust his blade through the guard of the goblin, who let out a gargled cry and died.
"Oh my god! You're so AWESOME! Whats your name?" Sachi fangirled. "You need to join our guild. We have the best name, Black Cats of the Full MOOOON!"
"Okay!" grinned Kirito.
"Let's get drunk!" suggested the guild leader.
Then everyone cheered and Episode 3 began.
So, after a terrible hangover, Kirito met up with his guildies to discuss grinding. "Aiight guys, basically we're gonna go to high leveled monsters cause they give good exp and drops. I'll just stand in the front tanking everything and you guys KS me before I kill the monsters."
Then the thief dude was like, "But how are you going to survive against the strong monsters alone when you're only around our level?"
"Cuz I'm super special awesome. Now shut up."
So Kirito used his beater skills to beat monsters up for a month or so while his party members leeched exp from him. Then everyone dies except for Kirito because of his pro skillz. But that would be boring. So before heading out to the dungeon that would seal his fate, the thief guy went to the market to buy some supplies…
"Would you like to buy this beautiful red staff? Its hilt is made out of ruby, the gold pentagram at the tip symbolizes power, and the white wings bestow wisdom upon the user. I hear the weapon even lets you invoke magic in this world that has no magic…" said the salesperson to the thief dude. "Yours for only 500,000 Coll!"
"Hmmm, we just saved up 500,000 Coll for our guild house, but I always wanted to be a mage. Its my childhood dream! Fireballs and tornadoes here I come!" the thief dude happily yelled as he bought the staff.
As he took hold of the staff everything changed.
So at the dungeon, the genius thief dude opens the treasure chest, setting off the trap that triggers hordes of Monstars that will kill him.
However, this was not to be. The thief guy, who got killed in 2 seconds in canon, took out 6 red hilted blades out of his (now purple) robes, and threw them at a bearded dwarf and stone golem, instantly killing them.
The brown haired priest, formerly thief, wearing a golden cross necklace smirked as his enemies fell. Kirei proceeded to leap up onto a conveniently placed ledge to watch the group suffer. He called out, "Rejoice Sachi, for your dreams will finally be realized!"
Sachi was clueless and cowered behind the mace user as the monsters approached. The mace user was subsequently beheaded by an axe and Kirei cracked a Kirei smile.
Meanwhile, the horde of monsters was closing in and the Black Cats were getting owned. But suddenly, (the other) Lancer stepped up and shouted, "Lord El-Melloi! I do not know how I have been trapped in such a strange world. But, I shall defeat this rabble and demonstrate my (EX rank) LOYALTY and HONOR! Then I shall present you with the ze holy Grail."
So Lancer took out his yellow and red spears and started stabbing the monsters to death. With loyalty and honor mind you. Unfortunately Kirei jumped down and tripped Lancer, who fell down on Gae Buidhe (the yellow spear) stabbed himself in the heart. Being Lancer is suffering.
Lancer lamented in a lengthy monologue, "Do all of you really want... to win that badly?
You all want the Grail so much?
Even ... willing to trample on my only true wish...
Do none of you feel any shame at all?!
Unforgivable... I'll never forgive any of you for this!
All of you monsters who'd disregard a knight's honor for personal gain...
Let my blood stain that dream!
Let the Grail be Cursed!
Let the wish it grants bring disaster!
When you fall into the frying pits of hell..
Remember the rage of Diarmuid!"
Then Lancer died! But Sachi still needed saving so Kirito yelled some war cries and killed the rest of the monster with his sugoi dual blades skill and saved Sachi! /happy end
However, Lancer's last words came true and Grail-kun appeared!
Kirito asked Grail-kun, "Grail-kun!"
"What's wrong Kirito-kun?"
"I got Sachi's guild killed! How do I make up to her?"
"You're so hopeless Kirito-kun. Friendmaker!" A kitchen knife dropped at Kirito's feet.
"Eh?" Kirito derped.
"Go finish the guild."
But Kirito knocked away the knife Grail-kun gave him cuz he had his dragon poop sword and emo black sword (and cuz he doesn't want to kill kawaii desu Sachi). Grail-kun was not amused by this turn of events and summoned Zero Caster with his army of squid monsters with a laugh. "Hu hu hu hu hu!"
Making his entrance Caster shouted, "This world is so KUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRUUUUUUUUU!"
In response to this Kirito hacked the game and brought out Excalibur (SAO version) and his jedi lightsaber. With elegant grace he sliced through casters minions as if he was performing sword arts in an online game. Meanwhile, Kirei is REJOICING on the sidelines because Sachi is suffering and despairing.
Meanwhile, Caster is getting mad at Kirito for killing his KUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRUUUUUUU and kawaii monsters and formed his Cthulhu monstrosity. Kirei joins in fighting Caster since he can't rejoice if he's dead. In a corner, Sachi is crying and like "Oh no! We're all gonna die and I won't be able to marry Kirito-kun!"
In addition, since Kirito has the shitty SAO Excalibur, he can't excablast Caster. "Damn we can't win!" said Kirito.
So in an epic turn of events, Kamina's spirit appeared, came over to Sachi, and boldly stated, "Believe in yourself. Not in the you who believes in me. Not the me who believes in you. Believe in the you who believes in yourself!"
He said this while the best song ever started playing the background. And with such motivational words, Sachi believed in herself.
Do the impossible see the invisible row row FIGHT THE POWAH!
Kamina's sunglasses appeared on Sachi's face and she subsequently formed a GIGA DRILL BREAKER with her tears.
Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable row row FIGHT THE POWAH!
Sachi flew forward with her giant drill one hundred times her size and shouted, "GIGA DRILL BREAKKKKKEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!"
She proceeded to pierce the heavens (actually just Caster) who died screaming "This is not KUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUU!"
Then everyone was happy. But not really, since the evil dude Heathcliff came in!
"How dare you screw with my floating castle MMORPG? I shall use my admin powers to erase you!" shouted a red faced, indignant Heathcliff.
"Giga Drill BREAAAAKEERRRRRRRRRR!"
And then SAO was cleared and everyone was happy.
Next chapter, read the amazing, original version of this "fic" that I wrote while raging about episode 3 at 3:30 in the morning. You're excited aren't you? Also, props to people who got the references in this.
And review if you hate or love me!