Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

"I love and I hate. Perhaps you may ask why I do this. I myself do not know, but I feel it happening and it terrifies me."

~Catullus LXXI

…I feel every fiber of my being pulling me toward him. I want to be carefree, to see more of him without worrying about how it will make me look. I want to joke with him without reservations from my heavily disciplined mind. I want to hold his hand and have him hold my own, to walk with him and relish in his company and all of the joy it brings me although I do not admit this to even myself.

I want to hurt him. I want every part of him out of my sight and mind until I no longer recall who he is or where he is going. I want to feel his skin underneath my hand in a hard slap across his cheek, to see the red forming in this spot as I blame him for things he has no control over. Really, it's his fault I've fallen in love so easily.

Hating him is just part of the process.