I have nothing else to say besides re-expressing my urge to either kill Steven Moffat, or myself. That episode was killer, and I'm still crying, especially from writing this.
Hope you enjoy. If you still know what joy is, because honestly, I have no idea anymore...
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
"The Angel, would it send me back to the same time as him?"
The question generated a million answers immediately from my mind, ranging from an absolute no, to a hesitant yes. But the truth was, I had no idea. The Angels would send her back to any time. It could be where Rory was, but this was a small chance.
"I don't know! Nobody knows!" I exclaimed, extending a hand towards her, mentally pleading with her to step back, to rejoin River and I.
"But it's my best shot, yeah?" Her voice was hoarse, cracked broken. And I instantly knew what she intended to do.
"No!" I yelled out, even though a tiny voice at the back of my mind was reminding me that yes, if she ever wanted a chance to see Rory again, this was it, her only opportunity. But the prospect of losing her, of never seeing my best friend again...Even the thought made my two hearts accelerate in speed, made me feel sick a the very idea.
"Doctor, shut up! Yes, yes it is!" River, usually the voice of reason, was playing the devil on Amy's shoulder, well, at least the devil in my prospective. As much as I wanted Rory and Amy to be together, to live together until their death, and it was utterly selfish of me, I wanted to pull her back into the TARDIS, to stop her from doing what she was considering.
"Well, I just have to blink, right?"
"No!" It was nearly a scream, a hushed one, my voice breaking in between. She couldn't do this, she couldn't even consider leaving, I begged her internally to stay, selfishly, for me. Rory was gone. River...River was going to be gone. The library. I couldn't lose all of them. I couldn't handle all of their deaths on my conscience.
"It'll be fine. I know it will. I...I'll be with him, like I should be. Me and Rory together." She paused, eyes still transfixed on the angel, before calling softly, "Melody?"
I watched as she stepped forward, towards her mother, trying desperately to make them stop, make them at least consider what they were doing. "Stop it! Just stop it!"
I could barely hear the words Amy spoke to her daughter, my wife, too occupied looking around wildly, trying to find some sort of alternative for this. This couldn't happen. I couldn't watch her walk into her death like this, without at least trying to find another solution.
As she finished speaking, I took a step forward, eyes trained desperately on hers. "You are creating fixed time," I pointed out, entire body shaking, "I will never be able to see you again." Just the thought of never being able to see her, listen to her laughter, her teasing, the joy her and Rory brought into my life, it was enough to make me feel hollow, empty. They had made such an impact on my life, I couldn't imagine not having them around, not being able to pop in and see them whenever I could. This was final. This was absolute This would be the last time I would see her fiery hair, see her equally as fiery attitude at work, hear that soft Scottish voice.
"I'll be fine, I'll be with him." She whispered reassuringly, eyes still locked on the Angel. What about me? I screamed internally, What about River? We won't be fine. We can never be fine without you!
"Amy please, just come back in the TARDIS," I pleaded, on the verge of going on my knees at the moment if it meant her stepping back and coming with me. I could hear her sobbing, hear my own fear and grief echoed in the way her body shook, in the way her racked sobs filled the air, "Come along Pond, please." I begged, unable to prevent the break in my voice, nor the emotion driving it. She couldn't leave me. I needed her, needed her stability, needed her to kick some sense into me when I lost myself. Whenever I lost myself like in Mercy, she was there to remind me who I was, who I am.
"Raggedy Man," She whimpered, and the note of absolute in her tone terrified me, as she turned. When her eyes locked onto mine, I knew in that instant that she had made her decision. Her decision was her undying love for Rory. "Goodbye."
And in a flash, she was gone. Disappeared. As if she had never been there.
It felt as though the very energy pulsing around my body had ceased. It was as though my very core had been torn out, trampled on. "No!" My body didn't seem capable of holding itself up as I doubled over, hands instantly covering my face. Harsh sobs tore from my throat, my gasps and crying echoing through the graveyard. Rose, Martha, Donna and now the Ponds. The ones I had promised myself I wouldn't let harm come to. The ones I had promised Brian I would return safely.
I straightened again, a noise halfway between a whimper and an exclamation of pain as I stared at the gravestone. They were dead. They were really gone.
I felt River's hand on me, but it was as though my body was disconnected from myself. Everything felt cold, distant from me. I could barely register it through the haze of grief, of guilt, or misery.
They were dead. They were really gone.
"River," I choked, feeling her arms wrap around me, steadying me, holding me close. "She...He's..." Coherent words were beyond me, I was incapable of doing anything beyond these choked noises and staring at the engraved names of my two best friends on a gray tablet.
"I know," She whispered, comfort and reassurance lacing her tone, but there was a cracked edge to it, "But the Angel is still here. We have to go."
My eyes refused to shift from the spot where she had been, where she had looked at me with those startlingly green eyes, where she had made the decision to ultimately kill herself for Rory. Again. Twice in one day I had had to watch her kill herself.
Only a muffled noise came from my mouth, of agreement, of pain, I couldn't distinguish emotions anymore as I backed away from the Angel, keeping my eyes on it for the last second, before closing the door.
Once safely inside, I leaned against the door, pressing my forehead against the glass. "Can..can you?" I whispered, glancing over my shoulder at her, eyes flitting between the console and her. Flying the TARDIS now would only serve as a bitter reminder of my time with the Ponds. Of complaining about them leaving toast crumbs on the console. Of me always getting the co-ordinates wrong so they ended up in completely the wrong place, but it would always be an adventure anyways.
She nodded and with a final reassuring squeeze on my arm, she was gone, preparing to take us from the graveyard. As the sound of us dematerialization filled my ears, I found the energy to turn, to begin to walk towards the console.
She glanced at me as I passed, and I could instantly tell she was waiting for me to berate her for something like turning the brakes off, but I merely walked past her, eyes skimming hers for a second. Sitting on the steps leading off to the corridors, I felt utterly and completely helpless.
If she spoke, I heard nothing of it as she began to take us somewhere I didn't know or really care of. The image of her disappearing before my eyes, the fact that I could have, should have done something, made the guilt even more unbearable, made my eyes burn as I bit down on my knuckles in an attempt not to let the tears start.
Once the tears started, they would never stop.
Which was exactly what happened.
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