A/N Okay blatantly obvious confession time, when I started this story I wasn't very knowledgeable about drugs. Now I've taken another year of health, this year focusing on drugs and alcohol, and I've become more aware the different types and effects of drugs, which will hopefully help my story. So we're going to forget about the constant pill reference and change it to a harder drug that would have more of an effect on Katniss, meth. I just finished reading Crank by Ellen Hopkins which also gave me a few more ideas. Anyway I have more to talk about, but that will be below. Enjoy.
Scorching pain shoots up my spine as I collapse into a morbid state. I feel her tears escape her eyes landing on my charged body. She screams out in frustration hoping for help from a nearby bystander. I would assume that someone offered to assist her when I heard her barking orders about getting a doctor as quickly as possible.
I attempt to speak, wanting nothing more than to sooth her pain, but it's as though I've become paralyzed. I'm unable to communicate; meanwhile, I know that it is crucial that I find a way to get Katniss's attention. If something happens to me, the results for her could be deadly.
My goal has always been to keep her safe; however, lately I haven't been stepping up and protecting the love of my life. What kind of person does that make me? I've let her slowly destroy her sanity and well being and I did this for what, to prove a point? My actions disgust me each time I analyze them further. I am a monster; I need to find a way to let that gentle loving person back in full control of my heart. But how?
This isn't happening.
I didn't kill Peeta.
It's all a dream.
I will wake up in the morning from this horrid nightmare; slowly cast away the pain. I will see Peeta kissing Madge on the front porch, sending Alex off to school. Prim will lecture me about staying sober and how it's great that I'm clean. I'll smile away the guilt, and then when she leaves to go to the market, I'll snort a line or two, feel the rush flowing through my body. Once the evidence is hidden, I'll hide away until she comes home. Prim will try to engage in a civil conversation, one that I will ignore. I'll stand by my window and watch Peeta live his perfect life in heaven while I rot in hell.
But it's not going to happen.
My stupidity might just have killed Peeta Mellark.
This is real.
I'm drowned in a sea of guilt, denial for once not soothing the massive hole in my heart, frozen in a state of terror I feel empty.
All the meth washed out of my system, I feel myself craving more. Who am I? What happened that made me so fucked up? How can I want something so badly, staring at the man I love, which might possibly be dead because of my decisions?
But how had I become this way?
As we walked through the door we could feel the ground quaking from the music being blasted from the 'ballroom'. They called it a Post-Rebellion gathering, otherwise known as an excuse for Effie to plan and throw a lavish party. As we made our way through the building, laughing at the pink decorations, doing our best to talk with everyone who approached us, Peeta and I managed to actually enter the party.
No matter how many times Effie tried to deny it, this was district 12. We don't do lavish, we do hardcore. Though I was never one to party, saying I never attended the rare occasions would be a false statement. The Capitol was home of luxurious, fancy, elegant events. Parties in district 12 are similar to what used to be known as an out of control college party.
For the poorest district, the one thing we are good at producing with the exception of coal is drugs. Meth, ecstasy tablets, cocaine, marijuana, you name it, a local dealer would be more than happy to supply you with it. I'm almost positive that it is the reason that more than half of the civilians live in poverty, they use their small paycheck to fulfill their addictions.
Almost as quickly as I had arrived, I was approached by a man in a black suit offering small tablets to each guest that entered, for a small fee of course. Peeta, with a charming smile, shooed us away from the dealer as quickly as possible. I wasn't dumb, I had paid attention in class enough to know the harmful effects drugs have on your body and mental well being. Drugs in my book equaled a big no thank you so I more than happily followed after Peeta not wanting any trouble.
I kept an eye on that man all night, wanting to make sure that everyone would be safe. At one point I saw another figure approach the intimidating man, who pulled out a small bag from his pocket handing to the other in exchange for a large sum of cash. The other man slipped away into the shadows, I didn't see him again until I went to retrieve a glass of champagne and saw him stealthily heading my way.
"Good evening Mrs. Everdeen, might I say that you look quite lovely." I smiled, for some reason taken aback by his formal greeting. He held out his hand for me to shake, while he eyed me up with his emerald green eyes, "My name is James."
"Call me Katniss but it's nice to meet you James." After the idle small talk wore off he walked away leaving me feel uneasy somehow. Trying not to let him get to me, I grabbed my glass and wobbled back over to Peeta.
I saw James again with yet another man; though I never saw his face something seemed familiar. The man began to draw nearer.
It all happened so suddenly. I started feeling lightheaded so I excused myself, and walked into the bathroom to splash water over my face. I became dizzy and weak and collapsed onto the stone floor. Voices emerged from the outside. They were fuzzy, almost as if static. I heard bits and pieces. A foot kicked the locked door open. I felt arms wrap around my waist and carry me away, but my eyes shut before I was able to see who it was.
It took 8 hours for the effects of the drug to begin to wear off.
When I awoke from the foggy haze I was under, I looked around the room expecting to find Peeta, but there was nobody in the room other than myself. I was covered in gooey red blood from the waist down
Apparently my attacker hadn't known about my virgin status.
Instantly I was clouded with shame.
Someone put a roofie in my drink. I let myself be drugged. I let myself be raped.
The worst part about it is I don't know who did it.
Tears threatened to slip down but I blinked furiously to keep them concealed. I managed to pick myself off the ground. My legs tremble at the weight, but allow me to walk to scope out the area.
The room had a bathroom connected to it. I got into the shower trying to scrub away my disgust. What is Peeta going to think?
The second his name popped into my brain a waterfall of tears spring out from my eyes. Him being hurt tops my pain. What do I say, what do I do?
When I was cleansed of the blood, I found my dress scrunched in a ball on the other side of the room and put it back on.
I heard my name being screamed throughout the large building,
"Katniss!" It was Peeta's voice, filled with concern and worry. I heard him open doors and slam them shut out of frustration. Questions boiled through my mind, I don't know what happened so how can I tell Peeta? I ran the opposite direction not wanting to face him.
I knew it wasn't Peeta who attacked me, but it seemed to make the matter worse. We always talked about our first time. We always thought it would be both our firsts, now it'll only be his. They say you always remember your first time, I will never get to look back on it and smile. All I will feel is pain.
I bumped into the dealer. It was impulsive and stupid. I remembered that the teachers lecturing about one specific drug in particular. Meth. I asked if he had any in stock. He smiled and handed me a small baggie. A voice nagged me in the back of my mind. "It only takes one time." I ignored the advice. Handing him a bundle of dollars, I ran into the bathroom and snorted a line.
The pain began to fade away.
The magic worked instantly.
And in that moment I knew I was hooked.
The pain in her voice is unbearable to listen to. She's hurting too badly. She thinks that I'm dead. Taking in a deep breathe, I finally manage to open my mouth and one word jumps out.
"Katniss," I croak softly, at first I don't know if she heard me, but her sobs begin to hush and she bends over to look me in the eye, I know things are going to be okay. Her trembling hands hold my face and her mouth presses against mine as we cling on to each other as if it's the only thing keeping us alive.
A/N Okay the biggest shout out in the world goes to the guest who goes by the name, NAME. Thank you so much for you dedication, it means the world to me. If it weren't for you this chapter wouldn't be up right now. Okay now for the question of updating... I'm going to do my best to finish my stories that are already up. Other than that, I'm not sure whether or not I will continue fanfiction. I guess that we'll all see when the time comes. Okay well please check out some of my other stories. You know what comes next... PLEASE REVIEW:D