This story was on fanfiction before , but I had taken it down and corrected some errors and misunderstandings I found in it - while I was reading it over one time. I corrected all mistakes I did and changed some things in it. I think now it is better than it was before :) Well I hope. Sorry about it all! It was just to rushed when I first uploaded it.

Well I am working on all chapters right now and I should upload them all soon or even maybe today later.

Sorry again all ^-^"

Well enjoy! R/R would be really welcomed muahaha like always ;) ?

Well till next time ^^


Dolf- aka SSUTK

It was a week since his love of life died.

And Magnus knew it was all his fault.

The way he left crying and broken shadow hunter in the dark tunnel. Where vampires were living and travelling around since they hated sun. Magnus should have known that Alec would do something reckless and stupid like run after Camille – after Magnus ex.

Even when it was hundreds of years back – since they were together. Magnus was sick even thinking about that name and he was well... even when he felt like everything was taken away from him.

His reason to live. His reason to exist in this messed up universe.

Magnus was a little bit happy knowing that Camille was dead and gone just ashes in wind. He was a bit happy about it even when he knew Camille for so long and was with her more than just a friends once but he knew he was just like pet to her. Not that he cared much about that now. It was past. Now it was future..Present. Where he was all alone and broken. His heart was shattered into million small pieces and he knew that if someone looked closely they would only find small shreds of what was once heart. It was all his own damn fault. He didn't listen to Alec didn't let him explain why he was talking with Camille behind his back and why he did consider about making him High Warlock of Brooklyn mortal. He knew that Alec never would have done it to him.

He knew that shy shadow hunter loved him trusted him – heck Alec kissed him in front of entire Clave. Even when he knew that he might face serious trouble later – he still kissed him. Magnus knew Alec trusted him he knew that Alec gave him his heart and life – and all Magnus did? Is dump him in subway tunnel. Without letting himself explain. And shouting at Alec that he didn't trust him and probably didn't even love him. How stupid he was. To do this. And what it brought... It brought death to person Magnus loved most in his 800 hundred years and something life.

He knew how Clave treated Alec. Like Alec had said once when they were in truck. That it was like million little paper cuts every single day. But still Alec chose to stay by his side – even when nobody in council listened to him like Alec had said. He still stayed with him. Even when he knew that Magnus was immortal.

Alec once told him "I would wake up one day and realize that I was going somewhere you couldn't follow. That we are essentially not the same. There's no "till death do us apart" for those who never die." (A/N taken from City of Fallen Angels Cassandra Clare) but Magnus had laughed it off and told him to relax he had said to Alec that they still have years and years to be together.

Magnus had not noticed how panicked and sad his little shadow hunter was about it. He just never looked – or pretended that he didn't know what was bugging Alec. He never noticed how much self conscious Alec was when they were around some other downworlders. Magnus knew that Alec was only scared that he would find someone nicer thank him and someone immortal.. Not mortal like him. Magnus knew now.

How he tried to hind himself in his loved two sizes to big hoods. And Magnus would snap at him or tell him to stop being silly and stop pretending like they were not a couple. How Magnus felt sorry for saying those words to his love now. But it was to late. It was to fucking late.

His love – his life – his friend – his soul mate was gone. All because of his own damn fault. He wanted to die – die and by with his love again, but he knew... Magnus knew... It would never be possible even in the death – after life would tear them apart. Magnus was never going to place where his Alec was. He was downworlder and Alec was Nephilim. His angel with baby blue eyes and adorable blush – he was somewhere Magnus would never be able to go. He liked to tease Alec about – his sweet blush. And would sometimes count how many times his little shadow hunter would blush.

So far away, it hurts to say
So sad and yet so true
Can't find a way, that I may
Stay closer now to you

Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them away with a sleeve of a black hoodie. Yes... Alec's hoodie. Magnus was sitting on coach for god knows how long – he didn't move nor answered any calls or door. He was broken beyond repair he needed his loves arms around him he needed to feel his loves warmth he needed his loves lips against his.

He needed Alec.

He needed him more than he needed anything in his life. Long life. He felt even more broken now. He felt like everything what happened bad to him in his past was crushing him down. Making him scream in pain and rage. He remembered everything he did wrong. He remembered how sometimes mean and arrogant he was to Alec.

But how Alec always kept by his side. Always told Magnus that he loves Magnus just the way he is. That he thought Magnus was best thing in his life – that he was so happy to have met him. How much he loved him. And how happy he was to be with him. And all Magnus did is leave him alone.


Leaving him to die.

He should have known that Alec only considered talking with Camille because he "Magnificent" Magnus Bane always kept him pushing away when all he wanted to know was a little bit about his past – at least a little. Alec told him everything – every single detail and event about his life. He opened up to Magnus more than he did all in his life. He trusted him. And all Magnus did was push him away with telling him It doest matter what happened in his past it was past he should not ask about it. And should stop being annoying little brat.

How stupid Magnus was. But again it was to late. He was never going to be with Alec again. It was to late.

Even his cat Chairman Meow knew something was wrong. Little stupid cat was scratching apartments door all night. And meowing his head off. In the end Magnus got frustrated and shouted at cat. Yes a cat. He shouted how it was all his fault and how Alec was never going back. In the end Meow ran away from him and hid somewhere. Magnus was not even mad at cat like he might be before. He wished he could run away from himself and hide somewhere.

Magnus hugged himself – he still could feel his loves scent on clothes he was wearing that was all that was left to him. His memories painful memories and Alec's scent on clothes. But he knew it would fade away. He would be alone again. This time because of his stupidity.


How angry Magnus was at himself.

He was 800 and something years old he should have more brain and more experience and patience! In a name of Lilith! Once again Magnus felt tears running down his cheeks , but he was to tired to do anything about it. He was just to tired... To live.. To breathe... To do anything. So he sat there and stared at door knowing that it was never going to be opened by his love again...

A while ago we shared this space
You were here with me
Now you're in a separate place
Far from where you should be

Magnus dreamed about Alec and his holiday. He dreamed moments. Happy moments.

Like how they kissed under night sky and Eiffel tower was behind them. How happy and madly in love they were back then. How both of them spent time together enjoying each others company and kisses. How they held hands and walked down streets of Paris. How Alec was happy to be with him how his love never paid attention when people were giving them looks while they walked past them holding hands. How Alec was happy – how he smiled – how he laughed. How they danced under stars in park.

Because Magnus thought it was good idea and moon was so clear that it was perfect for dance. How Alec agreed even when it was cold outside and he hated cold – still he agreed. How in the end they both were lying down on grass. How they were kissing and next moment he was on top of Alec. How they both blushed at closeness. How they both were flushed – how they kissed. How Alec's hands were on his back under his shirt. How warm Alec's hands were while touching his back and whispering his name all over again like mantra. How he bit sensitive spot at Alec's neck and boy beneath him shivered and moaned his name.

How happy Magnus felt that moment knowing how much Alec loved him. How much he trusted him because he gave Magnus everything he had. He gave himself to Magnus. Magnus dreamed how Alec's hands were in his hair how he pulled them slightly and made him moan deep in his throat while kissing his love. How they both pulled away and giggled – yes giggled.

How without words they both knew what they wanted. How Magnus teleported both of them to hotel while holding his love and kissing – biting – sucking his neck. And Alec's small whimpers and moans of pleasure. How they both ended up on bed – how their clothes went off. How they threw them away without looking where they landed. While still kissing and not breaking moment. How their moans and signs echoed around room. How Alec's skin almost glowed in moonlight that got in room through window. Magnus remembered how beautiful Alec looked like.

Like angel.

With sharp features and at same time soft. How his eyes were like two clear pools of sky.

How he could loose himself in them. And forget about everything – about how people called him freak and turned away from him when they realised who he was. How they were scared of his eyes. Cat eyes. How Alec told him he loved his eyes. And he knew it was not lies Alec would tell him this with so much emotion that Magnus would just know it was true.

How he would feel like he was going to faint or how shaky his knees were. How happy he felt. How alive in his long life. How much loved he felt. He could never be happier that he was then.

His angel was here with him.

Here telling him how much he loved him. Hold him. How Magnus could feel his loves slow heartbeat against his chest how it made him relax. How Magnus thought it was only one sound he could fall asleep while smiling and knowing that everything was going to be fine.

is little shadow hunter would be here with him next morning lying beside him their hands joined together. Their legs tangled. Alec would smile and after moment blush. Then Magnus would kiss his love and they would both end up falling back on bed and just enjoying moment where they could be just like this holding each other and feeling safe and happy. Then Chairman Meow would let himself in room – that cat really had some magic. Magnus would think. And would roll his eyes.

The Meow would jump on bed and get conformable between his to masters while purring like mad since Alec would scratch Meows head. And they both would end up laughing.

Magnus loved everything about his little shadow hunter from his terrible fashion sense to his adorable blush. Alec was his life – his present – his future – his love – his real love. His true love. His soul mate.

I wish I may, I wish I might
But you will not be here tonight
No matter how I wish or pray
You will still be far away

Magnus woke up from his dream. And he felt like everything was fine for a moment. Before his vision finally came focused. And he saw dark and cold apartment he no longer felt happy in. Even when it was just like him all glittery and bright colour. But Magnus was not even near being like before everything was cold and dark to him everything was cold empty and... lonely.

Once again Magnus felt his vision going blurry and salty tears ran down his tanned cheeks. His love. His life. His angel. Was going. He was somewhere Magnus never could go. He was gone. All because of him.

I cry alone, I miss your touch
I didn't know I could hurt this much
I wish you could come back to me
Back where you're supposed to be

Magnus did not know how long he spent just sitting like it. Hugging himself trying to get all scent of his love in him. He knew probably that he had once or twice dozed off and fallen in terrible and at same time beautiful dream where his Alec is with him.

Where they are both happy and smiling. Where everything is fine and the way it was meant to be. But now when he slowly opened his eyes he noticed sunshine. So it was day...

Another day where he was more far away from his love. One more day of knowing it was all his fault. Magnus didn't know it could hurt so much it felt like his heart was ripped away and cut in small pieces then hot oil was poured on it. He felt like his veins were filled with fire he felt like burning and screaming at same time he felt cold he was shaking inside and outside he felt like ice was slowing eating everything inside him while his heart was burning. Like every single heart beat brought more pain more sadness more and more pain...

Magnus never would have thought it would hurt this much.

He never had felt like this. Yes he had lovers in past and yes they went away or died sometimes. He have felt sad for a while, but it was never like this. It was worse even than being almost drowned by his own father it was worse than find his mother in barn with rope around her neck. It was like everything inside him was being shattered into million pieces.

And those million pieces were shattered into more smaller pieces. All Magnus wanted is Alec he wished he didn't tell those words to his love. He wished he was more vice. He wished he had listened. He wished he was better to Alec.

He wished he was more paying attention about what was going on inside his loves heart. He wished Alec could come back. He wished over and over again that he had listened to his love and not left with words "I don't want to see you again. I am no longer going to be your little warlock pet. I still love you but it wont change anything. Get your things from apartment. And leave key. I don want to see you again." Magnus wished for everything to be back before it. Back where Alec was supposed to be with Magnus by his side. How much Magnus wanted it. But he knew it was to late. And all of it was his fault.

Distance deepens sorrow's woe
Depths of pain that I now know
All I could feel was pain
All I did was cry and call your name

Days went by. Magnus kept wearing his loves clothes. He kept wishing for things to be back the way they were meant to be. He wished – every single day.

Every single day – every single breath he took was bringing more pain. At least everyone left him alone. That's all he wanted. He wanted to be left alone with his pain and sorrow.

He wanted to be left alone...alone. He knew he will always going to be this way. Nobody is going to fill space inside his chest – empty hole where heart was meant to be. All he wanted to was to end himself and die and be where his angel was.

But he knew he was never going to be with his love – his Alec again. It was slowly killing him inside eating everything. Everything was fading away. Magnus was slowly becoming shell – a zombie just functioning. Not living. He felt like he had died together with hi Alec. He felt like his heart went away with his sweet boy.

A boy he killed.

A boy he didn't listen.

A boy he broke beyond repair.

A boy he left alone.

A boy he loved.. and destroyed.

In a way Magnus enjoyed all this sorrow – he was worth it for doing this to his love.

He was worth all the pain he could get. Even when it was wearing him apart. Eating him away. Killing him inside.

And he knew in the end this distance between him and his love is going to get longer and longer with time, but he wanted sorrow – all sorrow it brought him. Because in the end it let him be a little bit near his love in a way.

Closer to his angel.

In his long life Magnus never knew depths of pain.

He had thought that he had faced all the pain in his long life and there was nothing left to hurt him more. But this feeling – inside him this sorrow – this pain was worse than anything in his life. It was like death itself choose Magnus to be his shell where it could live. Every single breath brought more pain – every single heart beat brought pain – every single step he took brought pain.

All he saw pain. He didn't care how he looked he didn't care that he was not like Magnus Bane everyone knew. He wore his dead loves clothes that was all left to him from his love.

Painful and beautiful memories and nightmares that Magnus at same time never wanted to wake from.

Painful and beautiful nightmares.

All he wanted was to sleep and be with his angel in dreams even when it was only past.

Magnus would wake up crying and screaming Alec's name into night. But in the end it never changed anything. All he knew was that everything was his fault. His love was gone because of his own fucking fault. All Magnus could do is whisper -scream – cry out his loves his Alec's his angels name. And face more pain and sorrow. And be closer to his dead love in a way.

It was weird that all this pain and sorrow brought him closer to his dead love.

Magnus knew that probably he was going mad, but he did not care – at least he could be closer to his love in a way...

I wish I could do more than hear
To hold you by a candle's glow
And whisper right into your ear

Magnus was thinking he was going insane. He could imagine hearing Alec's voice. But he knew he was not there he knew Alec was gone.

Because of his fault.

He wished he could do more than just hear his loves voice in his dreams in his head. He wanted to hold Alec close by candle's glow he wanted to feel his loves skin against him.

He wanted to feel his lips against his own. He wanted more than anything to be able to ask Alec for forgiveness even when he knew that Alec would never be mad – even when he left him.

Magnus knew that Alec was never going to be mad on him – he saw in his love eyes he saw everything he needed to know... He saw how deeply boy loved him but all he did was leave him in dark.

To face his death.

But still Magnus wanted to tell Alec how stupid and sorry he was for leaving him in dark tunnel. How he wanted to be with his angel again. Lilith, why did it hurt so much? Why did I do this mistake? Why...?What if...What if... All he could think was "If – What if" what if he listened to Alec what if he stayed. Not leaving him. Could his angel still be with him? What if...? This question was eating Magnus alive. Leaving him even more hollow and empty.

How much he wanted to feel Alec. How much he wanted to hold him and whisper in his ear how much he loved him.

But it was to late. All because of him.

So I watch the starry sky above
And think of how we used to be
Store up passion, strength, and love
So I will fight till you come back to me.
Back where you're supposed to be

Magnus went from glittery bomb to hollow person. In a way he was like Alec. Not because he kept wearing his loves clothes. That still held scent of his love even when it was slowly fading away. In a way Magnus wanted to hide – and be left alone. In a way he felt closer to Alec. In a way he felt closer to his dead love. Everyone noticed it. But everyone pretended it was nothing that High Warlock of Brooklyn was wearing different clothes that his boyfriend wore. Everyone pretended it was OK.

Everyone left him alone. In a way even more he felt closer to his love. He knew Alec was ignored and left alone before he met him. And in a way he felt closer to his love. In a way. Even when distance was growing wider. Alec was where he Magnus never could go. Magnus kept thinking how they were used to be. Together. As one. Soul mates. And he was sick of how pathetic he was being. Because he knew if Alec was in his place he would never give up just and fade away like he was. Alec would look for a way to bring him back.

Alec would fight back cruel destiny.

Magnus made decision he was not going to give up. He kept remembering his love and he kept storing all his love – passion – strength he needed to bring his love back. He knew he could never do it alone. No matter how strong he was – he was to weak to do it. But he heard about how a long long time ago someone brought a person from dead. He was going to do it.

For now Magnus was going to face his fate with his head up even when everything inside him was falling apart. He didn't care about the fact that he might die while he was going to do. What he needed to do was bring Alec his angel back. He would never give up. If he did he would die. And he could not die without trying. He needed Alec.

He needed to be able to hold him again and beg for forgiveness and be able to tell him how much he loved him. He was not going to give up. Magnus was going to fight even if it meant setting everything on fire – breaking every single rule in both Shadow hunters life – Mundanes life and Downworlders life. He was going to break all rules. He was going get his soul mate back even when it might mean him dying while trying it was worth. Life without Alec was not life. Better death than this. He was going to fight with everything he has left to get his Alec back. He Magnus Bane High Warlock of Brooklyn was going to fight till he and Alec are back the way they were supposed to be.

Feeling more stronger than in days Magnus stood up and faced his fate. He was going to see Seelie Queen, but at first he was going to face something he was planning to run away before.

He was going to face Alexander's Gideon Lightwood`s funeral.