"Let's face it. If Google didn't exist, we'd all be screwed."
Diclaimer: Lilly is forever my bitch, just as the rest of the characters here are Kishimoto's.
Warning: ... Sakura.
"So... wait... this is... a time travel scroll?" I asked incredulously. I mean, seriously. Who the hell had ever heard of such a thing?
"That's right," Jiraiya boasted, grinning widely. "It'll only take the user back eleven times before sending them back to the present, but in short, yes."
"And you're just... giving it to me?" I asked, staring at my Shisho in disbelief.
"Think of it as a birthday present."
"That's absurd," I stated. "There has to be a perfectly good reason for you to... oh. I see how it is."
Jiraiya only smiled.
"You want me to be your test dummy," I accused. "You wouldn't give this to Naruto, because he's your godson, but I'm the only other one who trusts you enough to even consider it, and apparently I'm expendable. I see how it is."
"No hard feelings," Jiraiya offered.
"You owe me chocolate and more Icha Icha for this," I snapped. "Fine. I'll try the stupid scroll... how many times did you say it would work?"
"Eleven," Jiraiya clarified.
"Alright. How do I work this thing?" I asked.
"Oh... it's simple... you just..."
I landed with a thud on a hard grassy floor. I blinked a few times as the dots cleared away from my vision. It was then, that I found myself staring into a set of astonishingly familiar blue eyes. I blinked again.
My eyes snapped towards the voice and there, in all his (adorable, not that I would ever admit that out loud. I was loyal to Kisame-sama, damn it!) glory, was Obito. Then, I glanced around and found myself in the middle of some sort of loose circle. I was surrounded by kid-Kakashi, Minato, kid-Obito and Rin.
So it worked? Cool.
"Who are you?" Kakashi demanded cooly, his eyes trained on me. "How did you get here? You wear a Konoha hitai-ate, but I don't recognize you from anywhere."
I held up a piece of paper towards Minato. "Um... I'm kind of from the future. Here's proof. Shisho, Jiraiya-sensei, wanted me to test his time traveling scroll and... yeah."
Minato scanned the paper, his brow furrowed. "How do you know all of this... and this handwriting is definitely Jiraiya-sensei's... who are you again?"
"Sakura," I replied before standing up and plucking the paper back. "I'm only here for a few things, then I'll be traveling again."
I turned to Kakashi. I punched him in the nose. "That's for dragging me out of bed after my first dive in with ROOT, you Oni-sensei!"
Kakashi's hands flew up to his nose in disbelief. I then grabbed him and kissed his hands covering his nose. "That's for sharing your favorite book series with me and being an awesome sensei all the other times."
I then turned to Minato. I stared at him. "I will be the mother of your son."
Minato blinked. "... What?"
Finally, I turned to Obito, grinning wickedly. I grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him. "Hah! Now I stole your first kiss, you rainbow-stick lying, bastard! That was for my cookie that you stole. Now we're even."
Obito stared at me in horror. "No! That's... that's molest!"
"Definitely even," I declared.
I turned to Rin and flipped her off. "I'm a hardcore TobiMia shipper, so I'm not supposed to like you. Otherwise than that, we cool. Alright. Later, kiddies."
And off I went.
"Are you... Uchiha Madara-sama?" I asked curiously.
Said person before stared at me impassively, as I had appeared in the middle of an Uchiha conference, right on top of the table.
"Who are you and how did you get here?" Madara asked cooly.
I blinked. "It doesn't matter. I have to know something. Are you in love with Hashirama?"
Madara paled. "What?"
I scrutinized him. "I can't tell if that's denial or not."
"I will murder you," Madara snarled, his eyes flaring to life.
"I'll take that as a yes, as it neither confirms nor denies my question," I decided. "See you."
"Hey, you two," I said, waving my hand.
"You," Madara hissed, his eyes narrowed. Even as a really, really old guy, he somehow managed to look menacing.
"You," Obito gasped, horrified as he stared at me.
"Me," I said with a smile. "Madara, I wasn't finished asking you some questions."
"You mean you really are a time traveler," Obito said, gaping at me.
"Yeah... I won't be when you officially meet me the first... er... three times? Four times?" My brow furrowed. "Anyway. Madara, why did you steal your brother's eyes? I mean, couldn't you have just swapped eyes?"
Madara stared at me. "I... No. Swapping eyes would not have worked."
"How come?" I asked curiously.
"Only Uchiha may be privy to that information," Madara hissed.
"For all you know I could be an Uchiha," I pointed out. "Maybe I married into the family.. but I'm going to hazard a guess and assume that you only stole your brother's eyes because you didn't think about swapping at the time."
"You know nothing!"
I sniggered. "If only... Later peeps."
"You're Danzō?" I asked, staring at the young man before me.
His eyes narrowed. "And you would be...?"
I kicked him in between the legs. "Your castrator, you lying bitch."
"You're... Madara-sama?" I asked, staring at the... surprisingly cute boy about my age in front of me.
"Who are you?" Madara asked suspiciously. "I've never seen anyone with pink hair before."
"I'm special," I told him. "I just wanted to see what you looked like at this age. You're very attractive. Damn, I wish you didn't go bat shit insane and were born in my time line."
"I go what?" Madara echoed, his eyes narrowing.
"Nothing," I assured him. "Just you know... try not to be so bitter all the time."
I debated internally for a moment before shrugging and wrapping my arms around him, pulling him close.
"… What are you doing?"
"Why are you holding me?"
I started stroking his hair.
"Shhh… just trust me."
"Hi there, Kurama-kun," I said, smiling at the adorable baby fox before me. He was huge, but he was still a baby.
He blinked owlishly at me. "Who... are you?"
"We haven't met yet, or well, I've met you but you haven't met me... anyway..."
I moved closer to Kurama, snuggling up against his side. "I just want to tell you that I love you very, very much. And that I'll be your future mother. And know that as your mother, I hate to punish you. So if you behave yourself when you're inside your brother, then I won't have to punish you."
"Inside my what?"
I kissed his side. "Momma loves you very much."
Kurama gave me a very unique look. I hadn't seen that look since I fangasmed all over Kisame the first time, it was the same look Naruto had given me.
I slowly peered down at the cute little Sasori in front of me. He stared up at me with wide, innocent eyes. I hugged him, squealing. "You're so cute, Danna!"
Sasori tilted his head, blushing lightly and returned my hug. "You're very pretty, Miss."
After putting the finishing touches on my design, I grinned and took a step back. I then prodded Tobirama awake with my foot and the young man blinked his eyes open. When he saw me, he immediately tensed, rolling out of bed. The moment his feet touched the floor though, he slipped and tumbled forward on to a makeshift skateboard. The spring that I had set up under his bed released itself onto the skateboard the moment he made impact on it and he was sent hurtling out his bedroom door, down the greased hall.
I followed behind him, watching as he struggled in vain to lift himself off the sticky skateboard before he hit a ledge and flew out the window, outside, into a tub of glue. From the impact of the skateboard onto the ledge, released the trigger that ripped open a bag of glitter that rained down on Tobirama. I peeked out the window.
Just as Tobirama was standing up, glowering furiously and wiping the glue away, Madara and his Uchiha group rounded the corner and stopped.
I smiled, satisfied.
I was trying so very, very hard to contain my fangasm as I held in my arms the Kisame as a child—five years old to be exact! I hugged him tightly, cooing about how amazing he was. He just went with it, smiling contentedly.
Yeah. I was such a fan girl.
I stared at young Itachi. Young Itachi stared back at me, tilting his head curiously.
I poked his forehead. He blinked, his brow furrowed as his hands reached up to the spot where I poked him.
"Don't do that," Itachi told me.
I poked him again.
"So you're really Hashirama-sama?" I asked, staring at him.
Hashirama smiled. "And you're actually from the future?"
"Yep! I don't know how else to prove it to you..."
"You've already done enough," Hashirama assured me, "but I should probably tell my brother it was you who set up that prank last week... He's been dead set on believing that the Uchiha Clan have a new pink monster or something."
I snickered. "I guess. Hey, hey, so um, do you mind if I get your autograph? And can you sign this here slip of paper... that'd be awesome."
Hashirama raised his eyebrow as he scanned over the paper before he sniggered. "'I, Senju Hashirama, do declare Sakura to be the greatest shinobi of all time next to myself, of course. Uchiha Sasuke is nothing compared to her and as such I decree that every time they are in the same room, he must bow down to her.'"
I grinned. "Come on, please?"
"Sure. Why not?"
"You're the Sage of Six Paths?" I gaped.
The man before me smiled kindly. "I do not hear that name often. And you are?"
I dropped down to my knees. "Take me on as your apprentice. Oh God, please."
I popped back before Jiraiya, smiling contentedly. "Well. It works."
Jiraiya grinned. "Excellent! And I'm sure you've already used it to further enhance and benefit this world, not only saving many lives, but changing them for the better."
I blinked. "Uh... Yeah. Definitely that. Hey, hey, want to check out these new moves I learned from the Sage of Six Paths? Did you know his name was actually-"
And that's it, lovelies. In celebration of my birthday (today), my muse demanded I write this, however short it was. I intend to update Sakura one final time and that will be my final one-shot. It will be the longest one-shot for this story, longest chapter, even. I will post the final chapter for the one-year-since-being-published-anniversery.
I'd like to take this time and say thank you to everyone who has read and stayed with me through writing this. Thank you all so much and I hope you all have just a marvelous life!
Reviews are love!