Five years without you and I still can't stop feeling alone. Well, I have Miles and Kate and Clem, but I want you. They made me seeing shrink as if I'm crazy and I'm not. I just wish you were here with me. But it's easier to agree instead of fight with them. Well, of course, I wasn't going to open up to some damn specialist I saw first time in my life but that wasn't part of the deal. They asked to go, not to talk.
You'd ask why I'm writing all of this. What can I say? Maybe they are right. I'm not okay with this life without you and it's unfair because you died for me to have this second chance. Maybe I do have to talk with somebody but who can understand me better than you?! You were always wonderful listener keeping silent while I was talking. All I have to do is pretending that you're here with me, waiting silently for me to finish mumbling.
There are so many changes in my life. I'm known as Oceanic survivor now and I've got so much money I don't have to think about working anymore. And of course there is Clem, Clementine, my little angel. Okay, don't laugh, I know it's sappy but I can't help myself around her. I'd want to tell you about all of these. No! I'm going to tell you about all of these. Just not today. Because you know what today is, right? You always remembered such dates. It's the day we stop being roommates and start living together as a family.
I remember that day so well. I wish I could give you the whole world that day, but all I really gave you was one flower. Now I have a lot of money (thanks to Oceanic) and I can buy everything for you, but you aren't with me anymore. Though if you'd be here I'm sure you tell me that I shouldn't waste money. Let's have some compromise, Blondie. I'll buy you five things (one for each year I have spent without you) but the whole amount shouldn't be more that 200 dollars. Deal? I'm almost seeing you rolling your eyes and telling "You're such a baby, James". Maybe I am, but, what the hell, why not?!
I know it's the most predictable thing to give you but I wanted my gifts to have special meaning for you and for us. Sorry sweetheart it's not flowers; it's your favorite book, Carrie. I never understood why you liked it so much, but I still remember that happy expression on your face when you talked about it. I promised you that I'd read it the moment I could and I did it. It was probably the first thing I've finished after returning. I read and tried to see what you saw, to feel what you felt but all I could think were you shiny eyes and happy smile. It's for you, Blondie. And maybe someday I reread it, now looking at it from my own point of view so we could argue about like we used to.
The next thing could go as a serenade if you want. But for me it's one more thing you liked. Your favorite singer, Petula Clark, the one whose songs always manage to calm you. It appeared they work for me too. All I had to do was to turn on one of her discs. "I couldn't live without your love. I want to hold your hand. Color my world. My love." Her songs have so much to do with me.
The third one is our favorite game, Scrabble. I wish we could play again because I'm much better in it now after all those rounds with Clem. I'm sure I'd win. By the way when I looked for it I found the game named Smart ass, it's absolutely about you. Don't worry I didn't buy it. This time.
As for fourth item, I have to admit I had some problems. I planned for it to be something to eat, some mangoes, for example, or bananas. It could be a beautiful fruit basket and don't say that you kill me right with that basket. But then I saw that gift basket and that was it. It has your favorite ice-cream but it's mostly about the coffee you loved most, different types of coffee. I'm sure you'd loved that I have to drink so much coffee now and I even don't like it. It was your morning drink, not mine.
Okay, enough with games and drinks. Now is turn for the last but not least important gift. The one I had to give you five years ago and maybe you'd be with me now not only in my imagination. I'm not good at such things. Well, I'd prefer to drink coffee then to do that but it's time for me to stop being coward. This ring is the one I got more then thirty years ago, or five years ago, depends on how you look at it. That's why it's so small and simple, but I hope you like it anyway. Because it's the one I kept in our house waiting for the right moment to give it to you. I wish I had guts then to ask you to marry me, Juliet. I wish I could back in time and change what happened. But I can't. What happened happened and all I can do is giving you this ring, hoping that your silence is a sign of agreement.
Happy anniversary sweetheart! I love you so much!