After a long day modelling, it felt good to finally lie down on the bed. Daniella climbed up next to me and lay down next to me.
"Are you okay mommy?" she whispered in my ear
"Of course I am" I lied and tickled her under her arms and she giggled.
"I love you mommy" she said when I had stopped. She did her little smile which always made my heart melt
"I love you too Ellie" she wrapped her little arms around my waist before jumping up of the bed.
"Can I watch TV before dinner?" she begged with her puppy eyes.
Usually I didn't like her watching too much TV, but I gave in tonight. "Go on then" she ran out the room smiling.
The truth was, I wasn't okay. The kiss with Rachel had reminded me of how we used to be, before I was pregnant; the hiding, the sneaking around. I had never stopped loving her; I just had put it to the back of my mind for so long, I almost started to believe that I didn't. I wanted her back, and when I wanted something, I didn't stop until I got it.
I felt so guilty when Jesse came home that day. I tried to act like everything was normal but all I could think about was Santana. I didn't know how Santana had hidden it from Puck all those years ago. Maybe it was because she didn't really love him that she didn't have trouble lying to him but I loved Jesse and I was marrying him soon, I couldn't let this go any further. But in the back of mind, I was thinking about kissing her and deep down, I knew things weren't going to be that simple.
Today was the day I was shopping for my wedding dress. I didn't have many friends here, so I had only invited Kurt so far but I really wanted someone else's opinion. I had thought about asking Santana but I didn't think she would come; I couldn't be stood up by her again. Anyway, I had only just met up with her again for the first time in years; she probably wouldn't want to come. As I thought about her in the changing rooms while I tried on my dress, memories flooded back of our times in the shopping mall together, late at night, the time when most other people had gone home, so we wouldn't be seen. Even then, she wouldn't hold my hand, just in case we turned a corner in our terribly small mall, and happened to come across someone she vaguely knew.
Those were the bad points, but there were also lots of good points too. She made me feel like the most important person in the world when we were together. We would chat on the phone for hours, and never run out of things to talk about. She was there to cheer me up when I was upset, and she always knew the right things to say. When I was with her, nothing else mattered. I didn't even care that no one else knew because I knew that what we had was special. I loved her very much, I just wished things had turned out differently, and then maybe she would be at the end of the aisle and not Jesse.
I had decided to call Rachel. We weren't in high school anymore, there was no point hiding my feelings and pretending it had never happened. She had kissed me back, she must have felt something. Well, this is what I was telling myself to persuade me to pick up the phone and dial the number that I still remember off by heart.
She must have been near the phone as she answered on the first ring. I was hoping it would go to voicemail as it would be easier to leave a message.
"Hi..." I said awkwardly. Why did all our conversations seem to start this way, why couldn't I pick up the phone confidently like I did with everyone else? Why did she make me a different person?
"Hi Santana" she sounded happy that I had called.
"I thought we should talk about..."
"Yeah, we should. I did mean to call you but, after you ran out, I didn't know how."
"I know you're engaged, and that you're getting married in a few months, but I have to be honest. That is where we failed last time. I wasn't honest about my feelings, I wasn't honest to other people, and I wasn't honest to myself. But this time, I'm going to live my life right. "She remained silent, listening. I took a deep breath, "And I know that you thought, or maybe you still do think, that you're better off without me but you're not. You're just trying to convince yourself that you are, I know how that feels, I've been there. Trying to pretend that it was nothing, but it was something. You can try and convince yourself it was just a kiss, but I know it was more than that. I feel like it was fate that we were supposed to find each other again in that restaurant and-"
"Santana, I'm engaged. You have to move on" she finally interrupted me.
"No!" I shouted down the phone. "We had something, and I ruined it. I can't give up on you!" I was nearly crying now. "I was too scared but I'm not now, you know you feel something too. You felt something when I kissed you, or you wouldn't have kissed me back, so don't pretend that you felt nothing."
"I'm not saying that. We kissed, yes. And it felt good, yes. But, I've moved on in my life, I'm not that high school girl that will run back to you no matter what you say to me"
"Rachel, I still love you, okay. I'm not giving up on you this time. I'm going to get you back, no matter what it takes."
I may have been imagining things, but I could have sworn I heard a voice whisper 'I love you too' before I ended the call.
A/N: Not even sure if I like this chapter yet… I just wanted to get one up. Please leave reviews. Oh and sorry for grammar errors if there are any, I'm trying my hardest.