Written Saturday night after the episode so prepare for post-ep feels angst and fluff :)
The Doctor pushes open the door of his sometimes-bedroom quietly, a sad smile gracing his lips as he hovers in the threshold.
"I thought I might find you here." He speaks softly to his wife, propped up against pillows on the large double bed, pen in hand, and what he assumes is her diary open on her knees up in front of her.
She looks up and he notices the sheen to her eyes that tell of unshed tears preparing to fall.
She offers him a weak smile and sniffs, sitting up a bit and blinking hurriedly.
"Are you alright?" He asks, still without moving.
"Of course," she assures him, closing the diary and popping it and the pen on the bedside table to give him her full attention. She cocks her head, studying him carefully, any sign of her anguish now gone.
He sighs and leans against the doorframe. "I read the page. She told me to go back to visit her - when she was a little girl, waiting for me. Told me to tell her to wait, that it would be worth it."
River nods. "And did you?"
He shakes his head stiffly, looking down. "Not yet."
Sitting up fully, she holds out a hand towards him and he sighs and crosses the room to her to take it, climbing up onto the bed next to her and settling back against the pillows with her. She nestles herself under his arm, head on his shoulder and thumb rubbing a soothing pattern on the hand she still has hold of.
After a moment, the Doctor turns her hand over and looks down at it, caressing the wrist that was previously injured gently and River lets out a sigh.
"You really shouldn't have done that you know sweetie," she chides him gently.
The Doctor doesn't reply, simply bends to press a kiss to the top of her curly head of hair and she sighs again. He lets his head rest there, chin on top of her hair, and after a moment she must have felt the tears he didn't even realise were quietly falling land on her head for she jumps and lifts her head suddenly to look at him.
"Oh, sweetie," she breathes, her face softening and brow furrowing in anguish for him. She lifts her hand from his to cup his face, wiping a tear from his cheek with her thumb. "I am so sorry."
The Doctor sniffs, a bit alarmed at his own emotions and scrubs at his eyes. He shakes his head. "No - you shouldn't be sorry for me - they were your parents River. You must be…"
She shakes her head quickly. "I'm fine," she assures him. "I'll be fine my love, it's you I'm worried about." Searching his face, she lifts her other hand too, smoothing hair from his brow.
The Doctor looks down for a moment, getting control of his tears before his eyes flicker upwards to lock with hers. "Stay with me," the words are out of his mouth before he can think about them.
River nods patiently. "As long as you need me sweetie," she assures him but -
"No," he says, shaking his head and pulling her hands from his face to take both of them in his own, his eyes searching hers intently. "I don't just mean right now, I don't mean for the night, or the week, I - I mean forever," he begs her, even as he knows as the words leave his lips that it cannot be so. It's fixed, him and her, and by attempting to change that they would unravel their entire history.
A flicker of anguish passes over River's face before she covers it with a sad smile, shaking her head gently. "You know I can't honey."
"You can," he says stubbornly. "I don't care - just stay, never leave me - we'll just stay here, you and me, forever." Here, safe, where she could never leave - where he could never loose her.
He hadn't realised he was crying again until River gently extracts a hand to wipe at his cheek. "You're upsetting yourself my love," she says softly, her voice just above a whisper. "Just…" Her eyes roam his face as she smoothes back his hair again. "Don't think about it for now yeah? Try not to think about things, just…I'm here now. Alright?"
After taking a deep shuddering breath, the Doctor slowly nods. Looking into her face, he is unable to prevent himself from whispering the words he is so rarely able to say; "I love you, River…"
River's expression softens further, and he thinks he sees that glimmer of tears in her eyes again before she leans forward and presses her lips to his tenderly but firmly. When she draws back after a moment, she says softly, "I love you too sweetie. Always."
He searches her face for a few seconds before he cannot stand it anymore, and for fear of breaking down again, he seizes her, hands in her hair, and drags her forward to kiss her again, rough and passionate this time, his tongue quickly slipping past her readily parted lips and stroking against her own. He kisses her until neither of them can breathe and he feels as if he might drown from lack of oxygen, light-headed and melded into her, everything in his senses just River and he thinks he wouldn't mind going that way.
River is the one to finally shove him back, both of them gasping, her magnificent chest heaving over the top of her glittering corset and begging for the attention of his mouth which he gladly gives, diving down to kiss and lick and nip at her cleavage as she gasps and whimpers above him.
They topple backwards with him on top and still kissing her chest, his mouth working its way up over her collarbone and her neck to find her parted lips again while his hands roam all over her.
"Breathe sweetie," River gasps against his mouth as they both struggle to find enough air between kisses, and, "Honey," she says when he doesn't adhere, and tugs at his hair to get him to lift his head from hers. "Shh, I'm here," she soothes him, stroking a tender hand through his hair, her eyes soft and full of love and the Doctor forces himself to take a breath and pause over her. "I'm here," she repeats, and he nods and lets his head drop to rest in her neck as he pants, giving both of them a moment to catch their breath while River strokes his hair softly.
After a pause, she is the one to move again first, smoothing one hand down over his back before shifting beneath him, wriggling a little to get her legs either side of his hips and thrusting her own up against him. He lets out an involuntary grunt and realises that he is hard and throbbing in his trousers and he wants her and needs her more than anything right now.
"River," he mutters into her neck before kissing the skin there, open mouthed and sucking a little until there is a mark which he soothes over with his tongue, hands roaming again as she whimpers quietly. His touches are steadier now but he needs, needs her, because she is here, now and so, so precious to him. His breath is hot and heavy in her ear as he fumbles with her skirt - God, he wants her naked and his skin pressed to every inch of hers but he needs to be inside her, joined and within her more and he is sure his trembling fingers would be absolutely no use on whatever fastenings her corset is held together with.
River seems to sense what he wants though (or perhaps she needs the same just as much) and pushes him gently back, batting his hands away as she sits up reaches round behind her. Her eyes find his as snap, snap, snap, and the corset comes undone (much more practical than laces) and River pulls it from herself, tossing it aside carelessly and letting herself fall back down, now in nothing but a simple black dress, sheer enough at the top that the shape of her breasts is more than visible, her hardened nipples standing out through the fabric as she pants lightly.
His hands are back on her skirts again, lifting them once more with the help of her raising her hips, and then tugging the dress up over her head. River's own hands make quick work of his jacket, bowtie and shirt and are working on his trousers, her forehead creased in concentration, by the time he gets to tugging black lace knickers down her legs. Her legs are bare and her shoes on the floor and he sits back on his heels to yank the scrap of fabric off and toss it aside, leaving her finally bare beneath him.
When he settles back over her, kissing a trail from her chest up to her mouth, she shoves his trousers down as far as she can, leaving him to kick them off until they are both naked and panting and looking into each other's eyes.
He loves her. So much. He almost tells her again but he knows there is no need; she knows it, and it is almost too cliché a phrase to whisper to her - it doesn't do justice to the connection they have and what he feels for her. He knows he won't have her forever and he can't bear that thought - he can't bear the thought of there coming a day when she is no longer in his life.
Somehow appearing to know just what he is thinking, River cups a hand to his face, the other sliding up round his back as she shakes her head slowly. "Don't," she says softly. "I'm here now."
The Doctor nods, forcing himself to listen to her words, and with a shift of his hips and hers, he is inside her, pushing as deep as he can go into her warmth. They both let out sighs, almost of relief as he holds still and just lays with her a moment, buried inside her, his weight resting on her and both their hands gently stroking, caressing, holding the other. River lifts her leg to curl it round his waist, her heel nudging lightly into his backside, and he lifts himself up on his elbows either side of her and begins to move.
What starts as a slow steady rocking quickly escalates as their breathing becomes faster and their whimpers and moans turn to cries and gasps. River rakes red nails down his back, eyes squeezed shut and head tilted back with her mouth open in pleasure as the Doctor drives himself deeper inside her. He watches her intently as they both draw closer to a release, and with her eyes still tightly shut he sees a tear slip from between her lids and trail down the side of her face.
His hearts aching, he leans down and kisses her parted lips, altering the angle of his thrusts so he grinds up against her clit with every stroke, making her gasp and moan into his mouth. Her nails dig in again, and he reaches round to take hold of her arm, and gently pull it from him to pin it to the bed by her head. River opens questioning eyes as he moves inside her, and holding her gaze steadily, he leans over and presses a gentle, lingering kiss to her previously broken wrist; an affection and an apology.
River slips her hand down so it can curl round his and she holds tight to it as she climbs higher towards her climax. He notices her eyes go out of focus and knows she is close to the end, and slides his other hand up to cup one of her beautiful breasts, caressing it softly before pinching her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, knowing how it will drive her wild. Sure enough she gasps and arches her body up into his, head tilting back and eyes closing again. He notices her hold her breath, her brow furrowing, the movements of her hips against his own becoming jerky and he leans down to press a kiss to the corner of her open mouth.
"River," he murmurs, "Look at me."
Obliging, River's eyes fly open to lock with his own just seconds before they glaze over and she falls apart beneath him. He can't hold on long with her body shuddering and inner walls clamping and fluttering around him, and squeezing her hand so tightly he can hardly feel his own fingers, he cries out his release, hips jerking into hers as he spills deep inside her, thrusting over and over until they both have nothing left to give.
When he comes back to his senses, he is collapsed on top of her, both their bodies sweating and trembling and her hand still tight in his own. She smoothes a hand down over his back and uncurls her leg from his waist, letting him shift his hips to slip out of her. He rolls to her side, too hot and exhausted to think about getting beneath the covers, and River follows to curl next to him, their hands still clasped between their bodies.
She smoothes her other hand down over the quivering muscles of his abdomen, slipping her leg over his and he swallows and pulls her into him tightly.
"Don't leave me River," he finds himself whispering.
"I won't," she murmurs back soothingly, dropping a kiss to his chest.
"Ever," he mutters fiercely, squeezing her hand. "Please?"
It is a question he has no right to ask, and one she can't answer the way he wants, even if she wanted to. Instead she curls herself closer into his form and squeezes his hand back.
"I'm here when you need me. Always sweetie. I promise."
But she's not; she won't be, and it's a promise he knows she cannot make.