A/N: An attempt at twisting the idea of the 'crazy OC.' In other words, this is what would happen if all OCs were as crazy as their creators claimed. Oneshot.
I'm really hesitant to call this a parody, but I will anyways.
I didn't realize they were real, at first.
I thought they were just more hallucinations, really. Maybe I'd forgotten to take my medication. It wouldn't be the first time.
This would've been the last, though.
Oh, you don't know who I am, do you?
I suppose I should tell you, shouldn't I? It would be terribly rude of me not to. My name is Crystal. I'm sixteen. I live in Connecticut, with my mother and stepfather, though they have to leave on business trips every once in a while. It's not a bad life, not at all. Oh, and there's one more thing…
I'm schizophrenic, and I guess that's probably a bad thing.
I like anime. It's safe. At least, it's safer than other things I could be doing.
Sure, none of it is actually real, but the same could be said for a lot of things I see. Anime, though, I can watch it and pretend to myself that it's real for just that moment, like other girls. I don't have to ignore it because it's something no one else can see.
I like the Akatsuki. They're all a little insane. Well, I don't think Konan and Kisame are. The rest of them, though, they all have something a little wrong with them, just like me. They're not the only ones in the show—I'm pretty sure Naruto has Stockholm Syndrome for Konoha as a whole—but I like them the best for some reason. Maybe it's just that the evil guys are always cooler than the good guys? I don't know.
I've heard a lot of people say that Zetsu has schizophrenia. That's silly. He has Dissociative Identity Disorder, what most people know as multiple personality disorder. DID is when you have two or more people in your head, and they take turns in the driver's seat of the body.
Schizophrenia is when you see and hear things that aren't there, and never will be.
When I first saw them, I thought they were more hallucinations. It hurt a little, I think. I was sad that I'd probably have to stop watching now that they'd come to life for me. I'd stared a little, since they were in my kitchen. Mom and Dad—well, he's my stepdad, but I call him Dad—weren't up yet; it was a Saturday, and they always slept in late, even though I didn't. It was usually the nightmares, but they've been getting better. The medication the doctor gave me helps. I don't wake up crying anymore.
I'd stared, and they'd stared right back. One of them, Pein, had stepped forward and glared, talking to me. I don't speak Japanese, so I didn't bother even trying to understand. The hallucinations usually speak English, but I'd thought that this may have been a special case, since they were anime characters.
I stared for a few seconds longer, and then set about getting my breakfast. I don't think they were used to being ignored like that. I was used to ignoring my visions, so I guess it isn't all that odd that I can still ignore them now, when I know, or at least think I know, that they're real.
I think the big thing was that I paid more attention to Ms. BlueDog than to them. I know it's a stupid name, but I first saw her when I was five. I've never heard her even bark, but I pretend to pat her on the head and tell her nice things every day, just because it actually makes me feel a little normal. To most people, it must look more like I'm just playing around with the empty air.
They weren't happy about that. One of them, Hidan, grabbed me and turned me to face him, yelling something in my face. I think I'd understand it now, since they've been teaching me, but I didn't then, I don't remember what he said, and I don't think I really care anymore.
I started panicking, honestly. I'd stared at his hands with growing horror on my face; none of the people I'd seen had ever been able to make me believe I was touching them before, so this was new. It scared me, I'll admit. I think he let go because I'd started hyperventilating and mumbling calming nonsense to myself.
I'd gotten to my medication cabinet, taking my pills an hour earlier than usual, but I told myself that it was necessary. Sasori had gone over to look at it, and later Zetsu. That was when they realized what was wrong, I think. I guess Zetsu realized that it was my meds; he told me later that he had a degree in psychiatry that he'd once gotten for fun. They stopped trying to get into contact with me after that until my parents came down, realizing that they'd probably have a better chance getting someone else.
Mom screamed when she saw them. She'd been scared, I think. She understood why I didn't bother getting her; who would believe the little crazy girl when she doesn't even believe herself? It was a problem.
Akatsuki… they thought I might be immune to genjutsu. I just think I'm too good at ignoring what my mind tells me is real when I know that it isn't. If the genjutsu showed me something believable, I'm sure I'd fall for it too.
It's getting late, now. I should probably go. It's been three months since they showed up, and I think they only keep me and my parents alive because they find my insanity amusing. Maybe it makes them a little less annoyed at their own mental problems? They've been trying to teach me to use genjutsu, because they think my hallucinations might make them stronger than normal ones, or at least weirder. I don't know how to feel about that.
A/N: Well? Was it good? I wrote this in about fifteen minutes, probably less, so it's not all that good, but I think I captured the essence of the idea intact.
Okay, at least one person told me the Akatsuki aren't insane. Let me explain:
Itachi: If you don't know the truth, he's a sociopathic parricidal maniac who mind-raped his little brother. If you do know the truth, he's destructively pacifistic, his goals are in complete opposition to his actions, and he still mind-raped his little brother.
Kisame: He's one of the only two Akatsuki members that consistently acts in a rational manner, the other being Konan. I did mention that he's one of the only two that weren't necessarily insane.
Zetsu: ... I don't really need to get into the specifics of the DID cannibal, do I?
Deidara: He's a suicidal pyromaniac. Both are classified as mental illnesses. He also became more than a little unstable after the thing with Itachi, and realizing that the Sharingan was more artistic (whatever that's supposed to mean).
Sasori: If you think turning people into puppets, and turning yourself into a puppet (keep in mind, this probably involved self-castration, and painkillers would have made him too woozy to do it safely) is a sign of mental stability, please reevaluate your values.
Hidan: He's a complete psychopath. Yeah, I've written stories in which that's not true, but he really, really is.
Kakuzu: He's got a dangerously short temper, and shows absolutely no regrets killing someone. He has trust issues after the stuff with Taki, and the lack of remorse means sociopathy.
Nagato/Pein: He thinks he's a god, and that he can bring peace through pain. At the very least, there's a severe Superiority Complex/God Complex there.
Konan: Not insane.
Tobi: ...Let's just say sociopathy and be done with it. Too many spoilers otherwise.
Of course, being ninja, they (almost) all showcase sociopathy at the least, i.e. They don't show any remorse for killing people.
Does this help explain why I call them insane.