Title: Ridiculous Thoughts
Disclaimer: It's really not mine.
Summary: Jane asks Lisbon why co-workers can't date. Team!fic. Post-5x01.
Just a little something to get me back into writing humor, especially after I feel like I've written so much angst lately. This piece really holds no purpose, aside from the fact that everybody needs to laugh every once in a while.
"Why can't co-workers date?" Jane asked Lisbon, as he threw himself down on her white couch. Lisbon glanced up at him from her paperwork to stare at him with her eyebrows raised in question. "You seem so hung up on the rule, so I thought I would just ask you."
"Because the bureau says so." Lisbon answered. "Why?"
Jane waved her off with his hand and smiled. "I was just thinking."
"Oh great." Lisbon muttered under her breath. "I'm almost afraid to ask."
"You shouldn't be, Lisbon." Jane said, still with a bright smile. "I haven't killed anyone today."
"Well, that's a relief."
"I don't think you really mean that, Lisbon."
Lisbon shook her head. "Is there a point to this conversation?"
"What do you think about Rigsby and Susan?" Jane inquired and Lisbon stared.
"How about romantically?"
"Haven't you ever thought about it, Lisbon?"
"What did you put into your tea this morning?" Lisbon continued to stare at him; this was not a conversation for 10 AM. Or, to have when you were sober. "Are you on drugs? Do we need you to pee in a cup?"
"No worries, Lisbon." Jane reassured. "I've been staying away from the crack dealers downstairs. They smell." Lisbon watched as Jane crinkled his nose. "Aside from that, I find that after getting high once…"
"I'm an officer of the law, Jane." Lisbon reminded him with the shake of her head.
"As you've told me once before." Jane replied and Lisbon stared down at her desk again. "You never did answer my question though."
Lisbon glanced back up at him. "And what question was that again?"
"I asked, what do you think about Rigsby and Susan romantically?"
"Are you asking me if I have romantic feelings for either Rigsby or Darcy, Jane?" Lisbon asked with her brows furrowed. Jane was obviously drinking something. "Because I can assure you that's not happening; I have no interest in either…"
"Whoa. Slow your roll there, woman." Jane interrupted. "I'm not asking if you have romantic feelings for either of them, as I know you don't. I'm asking if you think Rigsby and Susan would make a good couple."
"Is that a yes?"
"You're disturbing me."
"You can't tell me you haven't thought about it though." Jane answered with a chuckle.
"Yes, I can." Lisbon said. "I can completely reassure you that I've never thought about that." Lisbon shook her head again. "What even brought this thought on?"
Jane shrugged. "I noticed them glancing at one another for more than five seconds the other day."
"And…?" Lisbon waited for him to answer, but he said nothing and she sighed. "Jane? Help me out here."
"Body language is everything, Lisbon." Jane gave. "Usually, eye contact for more than five seconds means that you are interested in the person."
"It also means that they just happened to catch each other's eyes at the same moment." Lisbon replied with a shrug. "Eye contact is a sign of respect, Jane. Maybe you should learn it."
"Meh." Jane waved her off again. "You just don't understand the precursors of a romantic relationship, Lisbon." At her eyebrow raise, he continued. "It's understandable though. You've only been with Greg and Walter; two men, who don't know how to make the right move."
"Oh? And you're an expert on these precursors because you've slept with Lorelei once?" Lisbon questioned with the roll of her eyes. "Give me a break, Jane. You don't know anything."
"I know the capitol of Kentucky." Jane said.
"Because that's really going to make a woman fall for you."
"I think you've forgotten that I was married once."
"Did you have to kidnap and force her into a dress?"
"Now, you're just being ridiculous…"
"You're talking about two people, who have barely said two words to one another." Lisbon stated. "And I'm being ridiculous?"
"What about Lorelei and Cho?"
"You're just asking to be shot, aren't you?"
"Oh come on, Lisbon." Jane answered. "They're both attractive individuals; Cho doesn't have a girlfriend and Lorelei…"
"Is Red John's girl." Lisbon interrupted. "Or did you forget that?"
"I don't forget anything. I have my memory palace." Jane said, brightly. "I just thought I could bring some happiness into my co-worker's life by..."
"By offering him to a serial killer?" Lisbon raised her eyebrows again. "How in the world does that make sense?"
"You must not be able to see it."
"There's nothing to see!"
"Oh, yes there is." Jane argued. "Are you against happiness, Lisbon?"
"If that means I'm against promoting mass murder, then yes. I'm against happiness."
"You're no fun." Jane frowned. "I'm sure Cho would be all for it."
"Why don't you go ask him then?" Lisbon sarcastically suggested and Jane's grin grew. "On second thought, why did I even say anything?"
"Thanks for the idea, Lisbon!" Jane stood from her couch and left her office. Lisbon stared at the spot he had just occupied in bewilderment. What had even brought that on? Usually, Jane's conversations were more…sane than that. She heard his footsteps before she saw him and with the shake of her head, she glanced back at the doorway, only to find Cho and Jane together.
Lisbon groaned. Why couldn't he just leave things alone?
"So, Cho! Lisbon and I were wondering…"
"Jane." Lisbon warned.
"…what do you think about Lorelei?"
Cho shrugged. "She's a psycho."
"Do you think she's a beautiful psycho?"
"Beautiful never means anything good." Cho stated.
"Aha!" Jane replied, as he pointed at Cho. "You do like her."
"Are you on drugs?" Cho asked. "Is he, boss?"
"I've been asking the same question for ten minutes now. He won't give me a straight answer."
"You technically told me not to give you an answer, Lisbon. You're an officer of the law, remember?" Jane questioned, before he turned to face Cho again. "Hey Cho, while we're at it? What do you think about Rigsby and…?"
"But Rigsby and Darcy…"
"We don't need another pregnancy on our hands." Cho replied, before he turned on his heels and walked out of her office. Lisbon stared at Jane.
"What about Craig O'Laughlin and you?"
"You know? Deceased FBI agent, Grace's ex-fiancé, Red John's former…"
"Jane, I know who he is." Lisbon interrupted. "I just want to know why in the world you would suggest it."
"You and Craig have a lot in common." Jane told her with a smile. "Or you used to anyway."
"Being alive doesn't count, just so you know."
"Aside from having beating hearts, you two were angry people."
"I'll show you angry." Lisbon stood from her desk and Jane took a step backwards.
"You see, this is why you were demanded to take anger management classes." Jane reminded her. "I'm sure Craig had the same problem."
"Working for a serial killer, I'm sure, gave him more than just anger issues."
"You could have helped him, Lisbon."
"I'm going to strangle you, Jane." Lisbon moved her hands forward, as if she could actually wrap her hands around his neck.
"Bondage?" Jane asked. "I don't think we're quite ready for that in our relationship just yet."
"And I'm getting ready to shove my gun up your ass."
"Appropriate." Lisbon shot back. "Extremely appropriate."
"How do you explain the loss of your weapon to the bureau though?" Jane questioned. "Loss of service weapon due to S&M gone wrong. Something tells me that the bureau doesn't see that as a respectable excuse."
"If they find your murder at my hands excusable," Lisbon responded. "They'll find my gun up your ass excusable too."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Lisbon." Jane replied, still with a smile. "Do you know how many people think we're sleeping together around here? If your gun magically becomes implanted in my ass, what do you think Bertram's first thought will be?"
"I should have done that a long time ago?" Lisbon guessed. "How do I pull the trigger?"
Jane glanced at her. "You know, I wouldn't ask to pull the trigger if a gun was up yours."
"At least we both know my ass is safe then." Lisbon said, as she sighed. "Are you done yet?"
"Nope, I'm just getting started." Jane answered. "What about you and me?"
"I deal with you every day here, why would I want to let you into my home?" Lisbon asked. "If I fed you, you'd never leave my house."
"You've fed me here and I still leave." Jane pointed out. "Also, I'm not huge into getting restraining orders filed against me. We do work together, after all."
"Really? I had no clue." Lisbon retorted, dryly. "You also sleep in an attic."
"But it's a cozy attic."
Lisbon met his eyes and shook her head. Jane was being beyond irrational.
"I'm done with this conversation."
"You didn't answer my question though!" Jane said.
"Did I not make myself perfectly clear?" Lisbon asked. "I'm done with this conversation. Finished, complete, ready to…"
"What about you and Lorelei?" He changed the subject.
"Lorelei and I have said…what? Five words to each other?" Lisbon questioned him, incredulously. "We barely maintained eye contact for three seconds and the last time I checked, she's into you."
"It's all an act." Jane tried to reassure her. "Lorelei wants you. She did ask for your dead body after all."
"Necrophilia is illegal." Lisbon replied, hastily, as she left the office. She couldn't take anymore of Jane's insanity.
"Wait up, Lisbon!" Jane called. "I have more questions for you! What about you and Van Pelt?"
"Go away, Jane!" Lisbon cried back. "I can't take anymore of you or your questions today! I need coffee."
"Will you make me some tea?"
"But don't you want to see if I put anything into my tea?"
Lisbon sighed. "On second thought, maybe I should make your tea."
"And I can ask you about Hightower and…"
"No! You can be silent; that's all I want you to be."
"But, Lisbon!" Jane called again. "I only want you to be happy!"
"My happiness stems from your silence."
"That's too simple!" Jane replied, as they both stepped into the kitchenette, where Rigsby and Van Pelt stood in the small space. "What about Rigsby and Van Pelt?"
"What?" Van Pelt and Rigsby asked the same time.
"You obviously allowed for them both to be together the first time, even if they were rather immature about the whole matter." Jane pointed out and Lisbon shook her head. If Rigsby started a fight with Jane, she decided, she was just going to let it happen. Jane was just pushing all the wrong buttons today. "You obviously don't approve of Rigsby and Susan…"
"Darcy?" Rigsby asked. "As in FBI Agent Susan Darcy?"
"You had eye contact for more than five seconds last week." Jane answered. "You're practically married now." Rigsby stared at him. "I'm sure Sarah's going to be thrilled."
"Jane!" Lisbon warned again.
"Anyway, what do you think about them?"
"Co-workers aren't allowed to date; it's CBI policy, so that's what I think."
"And here we are again, back at the same exact question I posed to you earlier." Jane answered with a bright grin. "Why can't co-workers date?" Lisbon narrowed her eyes. If he even thought she was going to play that game again, he was insane. "If co-workers could date, we would have avoided this entire conversation…"
"Make your own damned tea." Lisbon scowled. "I'll go find coffee elsewhere." With that, she turned on her heels and left the kitchenette.