"All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing"
a/n: Okay so, you guys know that my FAVORITE AU child to write about is Ella Montgomery-Sloan. So, my pal Emma and I have both been saying that an Ella story MUST be written to show, if she'd lived, Ella's reaction to Mark's death, and so, here's my take on how it would go. It references Addisam, Maddison and Jaddison and it also references some of the major events that have happened on both shows as well as other characters(there is alot of Mason in this story because, I like to think that Mason and Ella would be great friends and he could relate to Ella's pain).
Please note: this might get a little sad and overly emotional, oh and there's no ending, it just sorta fades out. I'll let you guys come up with your own ending.
It's set during 6x02 of PPP, and yes Addison is with Jake in this story, sorry Addisam lovers(I wanted to stay true to what's going on in the season) in case you're wondering. Ella is the ONLY thing that makes this story AU.
Happy Reading(Or not if you're a Mark lover like myself)
"Dying changes everything. There is an emotional fall out sure, but there's also the practical stuff. Who's going to do your job? Who's going to take care of your family? The only good thing for you is, you don't have to worry about it…the world just keeps on going, without you…They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye, but sometimes it's impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss; it's what makes things so bittersweet. We leave little bits of ourselves behind. Little reminders, a lifetime of memories, photos, trinkets…things to remember us by, even when we're gone"-Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy 9x01, "Going, Going, Gone"
The atmosphere at tonight's party is supposed to be fun and lighthearted, but it's got an undertone of sadness. Pete Wilder is dead. He'd died while out on a morning run. He simply had a heart attack, fell off of a canyon and died. While he was lying there dead, everyone else had thought that he'd simply fled the country, because it was "so Pete" to leave the country like that. Pete was supposed to be on trial for the mercy killing of one of his patients. He never made it to court that day and he never would. Everyone feels guilty in some sort of way, Charlotte King most in particular. She was the one who had called the police on Pete. She now felt even more guilty, because while Pete had died, she was now pregnant, with 3 babies. She was carrying or growing rather, 3 whole new completely innocent lives, while Violet and poor little Lucas, along with everyone else at Seaside Health and Wellness, were mourning the loss of a friend and colleague.
The children at the party didn't quite understand what was going on. They'd been told that Pete had died, but they were still confused as to the whole set up of this, party.
"Mama, why are we having a party for Pete? Aren't we supposed to be, sad? We had a funeral when Bizzy died. How come we're not having a funeral for Pete?" 7 year old Ella Montgomery Sloan asked her mother. She was quite confused as to why she was dressed in a colorful Stella McCarthy dress with bangles and a beautiful necklace with her hair done up into a neat bun instead of black, something more, appropriate to wear to a funeral.
"Because, Pete didn't want a funeral. He wanted people to celebrate his life" Addison tells her daughter. The 7 year old nodded her head and returned to playing with her new friend Mason. That is until Sam showed up. Ella loved Sam. She'd always been particularly fond of him, even before he became her mother's boyfriend, or well ex boyfriend now that her mother was dating Jake Reilly. Ella liked Jake, she really did, just not as her mother's boyfriend. When Ella saw Sam, she immediately rushed up towards him.
"Sam!" the little girl said happily as he enveloped her into a hug, her blonde hair splaying onto his black leather jacket as she clung to him while he walked through the house. The other doctors saw this and instantly, all eyes were drawn to Sam and Ella. This sort of thing were fine several months ago, when Sam's status with the redheaded neonatal surgeon was up in the air. But Addison had made her decision when she turned down Sam's marriage proposal, calling it a "Hail Mary" pass, and giving Jake a shot, allowing him to move in recently. Sam was now dating Stephanie, a labor and delivery nurse at St. Ambrose. Everyone else knew this, but didn't mention to tell the child that clung to Sam's neck at the moment. Although no one told her, because they felt it was either Sam or Addison's place to tell her, she'd heard talk about their being a new woman in Sam's life.
"Sam?" Ella asked tentatively, batting her blue-ish green eyes up at him while flashing him that same charming smile her mother did when she wanted something.
She didn't have to say anything else, Sam simply followed her eyes, which were staring at a very large cake on a table nearby.
Once she saw that Sam had also made eye contact with the cake, she grinned at him. It didn't take much longer after that for Sam to carry her over to the table and cut her a rather large slice of cake, which she sat happily eating, until her mother walked up.
"Ella, where did you get cake? I specifically told you no more cake or else you'd be up all night with a tummy ache" Addison said scolding the child lightly, causing her to hang her head in shame.
"It's my fault; I didn't know" Sam said quietly
"It's fine. You've always been a softie when it comes down to Ella" Addison said softly, a small smile making its way across her delicate features.
She loved Sam, goddamit she loved Sam almost as much as she had loved Mark Sloan. She did miss him, a lot but, he wasn't sure of what he wanted. One minute he seemed to be against the idea of having or starting a family with her, but the moment he saw her with Henry or he saw her getting cozy with Jake, he would get upset. She didn't need that in her life, Henry didn't need someone who would constantly be walking in and out of his life and Ella, well, the 7 year old certainly didn't need that kind of person in her life who could possibly be considered as a father figure, especially since her own father was in Seattle in a coma.
"Sam?" Ella asked quietly
"Cooper said what sweetie?" Addison asked looking over at her daughter.
"Well, me and Mason heard Cooper talking to Aunty Violet and, he said Sam has a girlfriend, is that true Sam?" Ella asked.
Both Sam and Addison looked at each other with tired eyes. They both knew at some point that the time would come when they would have to tell Ella that they weren't going to be getting back together this time. No, this time, their break up seemed permanent.
Sam sighed, seeing that Addison didn't have the heart, or couldn't bear to tell her daughter, much less hear herself say "Sam's moved on", he pulled Ella onto his lap.
"Ella, you know I love you, right?" He said to her, gently brushing her blonde hair away from her face
"Yeah. I love you too Sam, always cause we're like bestest friends, right"
Sam smiled at the little girl he'd come to think of as his own daughter over the past few years as he let out a small chuckle.
"That's right baby girl, we're like best friends"
"And you me and mommy, we're like a little family. That's what you two always said and mommy says you always look out for your family" Ella said smiling at Sam, resting her head against his chest.
"That's right, you're supposed to look out for family. Ella you know that I love you, right?"
"Yeah Sam, I know. I love you too"
"And You know that your mommy's with Jake now, right, you understand that?"
"Yes; but I don't like Jake. He's not you" Ella said with a pout.
"Well Ella, that's who your mom chose to be with and, I have to respect that decision" Sam told her
"Does this mean you have a girlfriend?"
"Yes. I do have a new girlfriend" Sam said to her, immediately wishing he hadn't because before he knew it, Ella had jumped off of his lap and started shouting at him
"It's not fair! That's not fair! You're supposed to love me! You're supposed to love mommy! You're supposed to be Henry's daddy NOT Jake!"
"Ella, wait" Sam said to her
"It's not fair! It's not fair! You don't love us anymore!"
"Ella I do love-"
"No you don't, leave me alone Sam!" Ella said as she ran off
"Ella! Ella wait!" Addison called out to her as Sam let out a deep sigh
"I'm sorry" Addison said sympathetically to him
"It's fine, one of us had to be the bad guy right?" Sam said with a sad laugh
"…Sam, do you ever think we can be friends again?" Addison asked him just as her cell phone rung. Seeing Derek Shepherd's name flashing across the screen of her iPhone, Addison slides her finger across to answer.
"Addison" And right then, the tone of his voice and the way that he said her name, gave the redhead chills.
"Derek" she said trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible, because he wasn't doing any good with hiding the emotion that was seeping from his voice.
"He's gone Addie. He died about 20 minutes ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the last time we talked I just…I knew you'd say no and…he was my best friend Addie, I was just honoring his wishes and I knew you'd want to hold on to him, for Ella but, he…there was no change Addie, for 30 days no change. He said if there were no signs of recovery after 30 days, he wanted to be let go. I prayed that there would be. Callie prayed there would be. If I could've saved Sofia and Ella this pain I would've. I would've given my life Addie I swear I-"
"Thank you Derek, for calling. I, I need to go and talk to Ella now. I'll, I'll call you back a little later?" The redhead said before she hung up before he had a chance to respond. She would eventually call back but, right now she needed a moment to process the information she had received: Mark Sloan was dead. Ella had just lost her father. Addison had just lost her best friend, the father of her child and possibly her greatest love of her life.
Sam was standing there and could see the pain in her eyes.
"Addison, is everything okay?" he asked
"Uh no, no, Mark uh, Mark just died, about 20 minutes ago" she said, her voice breaking at the end.
"Oh Addie, I am so sorry" Sam said gently, restraining himself from holding her close. It wasn't his job anymore. Addison tried to do everything she could not to cry but, this loss was just too traumatic not to.
"Oh God" she choked, leaning onto the kitchen counter for support, just as Jake walked in.
"Addison? Is everything okay?" he asked when he noticed his girlfriend in tears, unable to speak.
"Addison? Baby talk to me" Jake says gently cupping her face, which was now stained with make up.
"Mark's, dead" she managed through soft sobs.
"Oh god baby, I'm so sorry" Jake said to he held her close and tried to comfort her but, she wouldn't let him.
"I need to go find Ella" she muttered, briskly walking past him in search of her daughter.
She found the little girl running around out on the beach nearby with Mason and three year old Lucas. Addison sniffled a bit. She was about to shatter her daughter's entire world with just one sentence: your father passed away. She sighed heavily, wiping away the smudged mascara as best she could as she headed towards her daughter.
"Mommy! I just beat Mason in racing!" Ella said happily to her mother as she picked Addison up and swung her into the air, pulling the little girl close to her for a hug at the end, making her giggle as she carried her back towards the deck. Once they'd made their way to a more secluded section of the deck, Addison sat in a chair, placing Ella on her lap. Almost immediately, she could sense something was amiss.
"Mommy, what's wrong" Ella asked, her eyes full of innocence.
Taking a deep breath, the neonatal surgeon began the speech that would utterly shatter her daughter's world and drastically change her life forever.
"Ella, you know that mommy loves you, right?"
"Uh huh, I love you too mama"Ella replied sweetly, giving her mother a peck on the cheek as she wrapped her small arms around the redhead's neck. Seeing her so happy was only making this harder on Addison but, she continued.
"And you know that your daddy loves you too, and he always will, right?"
"Uh huh. Momma, what's going on?"
"Baby, Uncle Derek called me and, well, he said that your daddy…you daddy, passed away tonight Ella" Addison said softly, trying not to break down in front of the child, who was deadly quiet, until she wasn't anymore. Then, then, Ella Grace Forbes Montgomery Sloan, completely lost it. It was subtle at first but then, the anger, hurt, frustration, guilt, fear, sadness and depression, all came crashing down and her first target, was Addison.
"No" the little girl whispered shaking her head
"Ella, baby I am so-"
"I SAID NO! YOU'RE LYING! You're a liar! You're a terrible liar and, and I hate you! I hate you! This is all your fault!" Ella said, immediately hitting Addison on the arms.
"You did this! You did it! This is all your fault! I hate you! You killed my daddy! You made Sam leave! you're dating Jake! I hate you! I hate you mommy I hate you! I wish you wasn't my mommy! I wish, I wish Lexie was my mommy! I hate you! You killed my daddy! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!"
And with that, the 7 year old jumped out of her mother's lap and ran, leaving Addison and everyone who'd seen the commotion, completely stunned.
She didn't want to believe it, in fact even now that a significant amount of time has passed, she still can't believe it: her father is dead. They say that when a traumatic experience like that happens to you when you're young, you aren't able to process things of such epic proportion just yet. The mind and the human psyche are very delicate. A detrimental death such as the loss of a parent at Ella's age tend to have long lasting and sometimes a lifetime of affects on an individual.
She stood in the sand, kicking it angrily as though hurting the sand would somehow bring her father back. Mason quietly walked up to her and stood there watching her.
"I'm sorry about your dad" he said softly
"It's not fair! It's not fair!" Ella pouted, kicking the sand higher into the air
"I remember when my mom died" Mason told her, making the 7 year old look back at him
"I want him to come back" the tiny little girl whispered as tears finally begin to fall from her eyes
"I know. I want my mom to come back too, but she was sick, like your dad was. My dad and Charlotte told me that my mom was suffering and, that if she could've got better that she would've but, there was nothing that could be done"
"It's not fair! It's just not fair!" Ella sobbed
"I know. You really miss your dad, just like I miss my mom" Mason said walking closer to her
"Do you still miss your mommy?"
"Yeah, I miss my mom everyday"
"Does it, does it hurt when you think about her?"
"Sometimes yeah, but most times, I think of all of the happy stuff we used to do together"
"I just want him to come back!" Ella cried, collapsing onto the sand.
Mason stood there for a moment before sitting on the ground and pulling Ella into a hug. He seemed to be the only person who understood what it was like to be a child and lose a parent. He understood her pain because he had all to recently lost his mother several months ago. As Ella continued to cry, her breathing suddenly became strange.
"Ella, are you okay?" Mason asked as the little girl began to cough and wheeze.
"Help! Somebody Help! Ella can't breathe!" He shouted over and over until his father and Charlotte came running out towards them.
"Mase, what's going on?" Cooper asked immediately kneeling down in front of the two children.
"I'll go get Addison" Charlotte said as she rushed towards the house in search of Addison
"She was crying and then, she started coughing and breathing funny" Mason said just as Addison ran onto the beach with Charlotte
"What happened?" Addison said crouching down in front of Ella
"It looks like she's having an asthma attack" Cooper said as he tried to get Ella to calm down
"Ella, listen to me, I need you calm down and take slow deep breaths okay?" instructed her before turning to Addison
"She needs her inhaler" he told her just as the redhead stood up to go and get it, but Sam already had one
"She always kept one at my house" Sam said handing the asthma pump to Addison.
"Okay Ella sweetie, I need you calm down for me, okay?" Addison said to her daughter as everyone else backed away, giving Addison some room.
"Okay, I'm gonna give you your inhaler and I need you to take a slow deep breath for me alright?" she said as she helped Ella use her inhaler.
"Good girl, take another one, that's it" Addison said softly as Ella's breathing slowly began to return to normal before she started sobbing again.
"I want my daddy! I want my daddy!" The little girl cried uncontrollably
"Shhh, Shhh, I know sweetie I know" Addison murmured softly, placing Ella onto her lap as she held her close, gently rocking her back and forth as everyone else slowly walked away, leaving the mother and daughter to grieve their loss.
After a while of sitting on the beach crying, Ella looked up at her mother.
"Mama?" she asked softly
"I'm sorry I hitted you and said I hate you and that I wanted Lexie to be my mommy"
"It's fine baby, you were just upset that's all"
"I miss him"
"I know honey, me too. I miss your daddy so much" Addison whispered
"I wanna see Sam" Ella said sniffing
"Please? I just wanna see Sam, please mommy?" Ella asked as tears welled up in her piercing blue eyes again.
"Okay baby, okay" she said standing up, holding Ella as they headed over to Sam's house.
It felt weird, using the front door. She couldn't really recall using the front door once in the 5 years that she'd lived in Los Angeles. Now that everything had changed between them, she felt that using the front door would be more, appropriate.
"Uh, Dr. Montgomery, Hi" Stephanie said a bit awkwardly to Addison as she opened the door
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude but-"
"Hey baby, who's at the, oh, Addison, hi" Sam said as he stared at Addison, just as Ella began to stir
"She wanted to see you and, she wouldn't take no for an answer" Addison explained
"It's fine" Sam replied
"I didn't mean to interrupt" Addison started
"It's fine, I was just leaving anyway" Stephanie said before kissing Sam on the lips. Addison could tell that the kiss wasn't as meaningful for Sam as it was for Stephanie.
"Dr. Montgomery, I am so sorry, for your loss" Stephanie said sympathetically to Addison as she headed out to her car, leaving Addison on Sam's door step.
"Sam, I didn't mean to intrude on your evening, I just-"
"Addison, come inside" Sam told her as Ella finally woke up.
"Hey, baby girl" Sam said softly as Addison and Ella sat down on the couch
The little girl didn't respond, she simply held her hands out for Sam to hold her, which of course he did as her mother sat quietly on the couch watching.
"Sam" Ella said quietly
"I'm sorry I gotted mad at you before. I didn't mean it" The 7 year old said
"It's okay Ella, I know you didn't mean it"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too Ella"
"Everything's different now and, I don't like it. Why's everything changing?" Ella asked him
"Sometimes things just, they just happen Ella. We can't explain them they just, they happen" Sam told her.
It wasn't long after that, that Ella fell asleep in Sam's arms, with Sam nodding off also. Addison walked outside onto his deck, making her way out towards the beach. She didn't even hear Sam walk up behind her until she heard his voice.
She turned to face him, her eyes hot with tears. She needed him in this moment but, he wasn't hers anymore.
"In the middle of all of this craziness, I don't even know where Henry is" Addison said with a slight laugh, which came out more like a sob.
"Amelia's got him. Charlotte and Violet made sure all of the guests got home safely; they thanked everyone for coming and stayed until the caterers and the cleaning crew got everything cleaned up. Amelia took Henry upstairs and put him to bed; Jake's with him now" Sam told her
"I feel like such a horrible parent. I mean, I haven't even checked on my son" Addison said.
"You're not a horrible parent Addie. Henry was in good hands, besides you were dealing with your daughter and the fact that she lost her father tonight, as well as trying to grieve the loss yourself" Sam told her.
"I don't think I'll ever grieve the loss" Addison stated quietly, quickly wiping away a stray tear.
"You can grieve it now. Ella's asleep, Henry's asleep. It's just you out here. You can grieve now" Sam told her
"I can't" Addison said gasping for air
"Why not?" Sam asked
"Because I need…I need something, from you but, no, no you can't" Addison cried
"What do you need from me Addie? Just tell me what you need"
Addison turned to him, tears falling from her eyes as she looked at him painfully.
"I just, I need you to hold me, just, hold me. But you can't do that because…"
"Addison, shhh, I can hold you" Sam said
"No Sam, you can't! You're with Stephanie and I'm with Jake and-"
"Addison, I can hold you. As a friend, I can hold you. Mark was my friend too so, right now we are two friends grieving the loss of another friend" Sam told her as he made his way closer to her, pulling her into a hug as she finally broke down, nearly collapsing into Sam's arms.
They stay like this until Jake walks out and spots them.
"Addison?" his tone isn't accusatory or anything. He's simply concerned.
"Jake" Addison says guiltily quickly removing herself from Sam's hug, instantly missing the warmth of his embrace.
"I'm sorry Sam, I ruined your shirt" Addison says lamely to him.
"It's fine" Sam said "I'll uh, go get Ella" he said to her, giving Jake a head nod before going back inside to get Ella.
"It didn't mean anything" Addison said to Jake as he walked up to her.
"I didn't say it did" Jake replied calmly as Sam brought Ella out to them.
"Thank you Sam, for everything" Addison said quietly, unable to look at him as she took Ella from his arms before heading upstairs.
After settling Ella into bed and checking on Henry, Addison retreated to her bedroom where Jake was waiting for her. After undressing and taking a very long shower, she crawled into bed and snuggled up next to Jake.
"I didn't do anything with him. He was just a friend; we're just two old friends who were grieving the loss of another friend" Addison told him.
"Addison, you don't have to explain anything to me" Jake told her
"No, I want you to know that. Sam and I are over. I chose you. You're the one I want to be with Jake" she said softly, leaning in to kiss him.
"Addison-" Jake started
"No, I want you to know. It didn't mean anything to me Jake. I chose you, I want to be with you…I love you and, you should never have to question that" Addison told him as she moved to straddle him as she pressed a kiss to his lips before Jake deepened it, his tongue swirling against her lips until she opened her mouth and allowed their tongues to connect. They kissed passionately, until Jake rolled them over. He slowly pulled Addison's top over her head, taking his time to gently kiss her neck, while she softly moaned in his ear. Her nails gently raked over his bare back as he kissed her. Her hands made their way down to his pajama pants, pulling them down his legs as she wrapped her legs around his back. He continued kissing her, his hands tangling into her long red tresses while her fingers interlocked into his short black hair.
His hands moved down her slender body, tugging the silk shorts along with her panties down her legs as she pulled him closer to her. She moaned softly into his mouth as he aligned himself with her core before slowly slipping inside of her, making her gasp for air. Every move was slow and tender as he thrust himself into her. She moaned at the sensation and the contact. She slowly started rocking her hips against his as her hands gripped his neck tighter and tighter as she softly whimpered his name.
"Jake, Jake, Oh God Jake, Mmmm"
He could feel her pulsating around him, knowing that she could explode at any moment. He rolled over so that she was on top of him. He watched as she gently rode him, her hips moving faster and faster with each thrust. He held onto her hips as she moved up and down on his length until she cried out in pleasure and came with a whimper of his name, sending him over the edge as well. Once she had come down from her high, she leaned in and rested her head against this chest and placed a few kisses on it. He ran his fingers through her hair lovingly as they both relished in the feeling.
Addison felt numb on the inside. While her body enjoyed the pleasure of what had just happened. Inside she felt thought about something Ella had said earlier,
"Everything's different now and, I don't like it? Why's everything changing?"
Addison thought about everything that had been happening, all of the changes: Mark Sloan was dead. Derek could possibly never operate again. Amelia had relapsed on drugs. The man she loved had died. Her baby was born without a brain. Charlotte was brutally raped and attacked. Pete had a heart attack. Pete was supposed to be in prison for murdering a patient, but had a heart attack, fell of a canyon and died. Cooper found out he had a son. Erica had a gliosarcoma that was inoperable and died. Arizona lost her leg. Lexie Grey had died in the plane crash. Adele Webber had Alzheimer's. Richard Webber was no longer chief at Seattle Grace Mercy West because he took the fall for Meredith tampering with Derek's clinical trial for Alzheimer's. She and Sam had broken up, for good this time it seemed.
Ella and Sofia had lost their father. Sheldon was sick. Bizzy was a lesbian. Susan had stage four ovarian cancer and died. Bizzy killed herself. Sam had a new girlfriend. Dell had died. Betsy was an orphan who was put into the system and abused by her foster brother. Naomi had moved to New York. Archer had worms in his brain. Derek got shot. Ella was born 2 months premature and almost died. She couldn't have anymore children. Kevin got shot. Sam didn't want a baby with her. Sam proposed to her but she said no. Maya got pregnant and almost got killed in an accident. Violet was attacked by a crazy patient. Lucas was cut out of his mother's womb. Mark Sloan was dead. She and Sam had broken up, for good this time it seemed. Callie was in a near fatal car crash that almost killed her and Sofia…Mark Sloan was dead. She was dating Jake...
Everything seemed to be changing, fast and, she didn't like the direction things were headed. Addison, wasn't happy with that. The redhead quietly got out of bed and went downstairs and sat out on the deck with a glass of wine and silently cried, for all of the pain and loss and mostly, for all of the inevitable changes that kept coming her way, the changes she had no control over and, the changes she could control but, was too afraid of the outcome. She looked up to the sky and quietly uttered the words she'd heard Charlotte and Amelia saying so many time, but finally with some understanding.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and, the wisdom to know the difference"
a/n: I think I'll end it right here, it feels VERY cliffhanger-y, but, I like it. That's the feel I was going for. Oh, and yes, that was my FIRST time writing Jaddison smut and, I think for the most part, it was pretty good! I think I stayed true to how these characters would be on the show. Anywho, RIP to Mark Sloan, you'll always be my favorite manwhore. You will most definitely be missed! But, your memory will live on in the hearts of fans and in the fan fiction and the roleplay world!
Don't forget to review! Reviews make me VERY happy!