Nocte Entitae Rasvim - Of Pumpkins, Schmumpkins, & The Society of Pygmy Pumpkin Worshipers


Nocte Entitae Rasvim, one of the leaders of my clan, tells a humorous story about pumpkins.


Written 10/26/12.


Pah. It's halloween season. You know, the usual. Halloween dragon eggs everywhere, released en masse. Dragons dressed up in ridiculous costumes. Decorations galore.

And of course, pumpkins. I don't know who started it, but nowadays, you can't have a halloween without having pumpkins. I don't mean a few pumpkins, I mean lots of pumpkins. Pumpkins everywhere! In the caves, in the dens, all over the camp, and in extremely conspicuous places where you may or may not trip on them!

And it's not only just pumpkins. Apparently, somebody, who may or may not be the person who came up with this whole pumpkin craze, invented pumpkin carvings! Now, to add to the dreadful orange things getting in my way and tripping me all the time, I have to endure double the embarrassment because they all have those little goofy faces! I swear, I once even tripped over a pumpkin with my own face carved into it! It was humiliating!

So, as I was saying. Pumpkins. They've popped up everywhere. I see them all the time. Not a single day goes by that I do not pass a pumpkin, see a pumpkin, smell a pumpkin, trip over a pumpkin, or, if I am really unlucky, be forced to eat a pumpkin. Yes, those annoying pumpkin enthusiasts always say that pumpkins are good for my health. Blehh. They taste raw and disgusting. How are they going to be 'beneficial for my health' if their bad taste kill me first?

I do not like the idea of dining on a gourmet pumpkin that has my own face carved on it. That would not only be strange, but socially unacceptable as well (or so I have guessed. I once heard a rumor that it is now taboo to eat a pumpkin resembling your face).
However, these pumpkins have not just popped up by themselves. There must be some cruel, evil mastermind behind this whole scheme of using pumpkins to embarrass everyone to death. Of course there must be! I can already imagine who he (or she) looks like: an evil person sneaking amongst the shadows at midnight, placing pumpkins in awkward places for you to trip on! They might even carve ugly faces on them to make them twice as gruesome, or put one of those silly wax candles inside.

But no. There is no evil mastermind. Or, to be correct, there is no one evil mastermind. Instead, I see this gang of my own clan's pygmy dragons sneaking around at obscene hours of the night, carrying large stacks of pumpkins and stashing them around the camp. I have half a mind, when I see this horror, to pack up my belongings, tip-toe past them and out of the camp, and run away to a far, far away land where they have never heard of pumpkins, seen a pumpkin, tripped over a pumpkin, tasted a pumpkin, or use pumpkins in any form or shape at all.
However, unfortunately, I am one of the leader of my clan, and no matter how much I wish to do that, I cannot. It is, as everyone knows, quite rude to just disappear in the middle of the night when everyone needs you to run the clan. As if I can even run the clan. As soon as I start running, I'll trip over a pumpkin.

So I am helplessly stuck in this morbid camp full of pumpkins. Pumpkins lurking around the corner. Pumpkins sneaking around at night. Pumpkins with scary faces. Pumpkins with creepy faces. Pumpkins with faces that are somewhere between creepy and scary. Giant pumpkins, and tiny pumpkins. Red pumpkins! Blue pumpkins! Hot pink pumpkins!

All because of those dumb pygmy dragons! They think pumpkins are the answer to everything. Feeling sick? Eat a pumpkin! Feeling drowsy? Eat a pumpkin! Feeling sad? Eat a pumpkin! Eat eat eat! Oh and, trying to act regal in front of all of your friends? Trip over a pumpkin! I don't know what makes those pygmies so crazy about pumpkins. Maybe because they both start with P? Maybe because pumpkins, like pygmies, are annoying, like to trip others, and pop up to scare you when you least expect it? I don't know!

But, even among all the evil pygmy pumpkin masterminds, there a group of pygmies I cannot stand at all. They are a secret society dedicated to worshipping a great carved pumpkin god with a scary face or something along those lines. They call themselves 'The Society of Pygmy Pumpkin Enthusiasts'. Pah. They don't need such a fancy name. I just call them 'A Bunch of Annoying Little Prats That Go Around Placing Pumpkins In Awkward And Unexpected Locations'. I don't know what's gotten into those pygmy pumpkin worshippers. Before the halloween period they were ok, and now that halloween is coming around they've all suddenly switched from their normal, not-pumpkin-obsessed selves to 'extremely obsessed with pumpkins and everything related to the said vegetable'.

I've tried my best to stop these overly enthusiastic pygmies. I've taken every pumpkin I found and put it into a locked cave. To keep those pygmies out, I even took some parchment and asked Beacker1160 to write, "500-YEAR-OLD BLUE CHEESE STORAGE". Then I stuck it on the locked door. Everyone knows that pygmies hate 500 year old blue cheese. Or, at least I do. I don't know, it could be green cheese or hot-pink cheese, but I'm pretty sure it was blue cheese. Besides taking all the pumpkins I could find and stashing them away, I've also done daily night explorations around the camp, trying to find where those obnoxious PPEs get their pumpkins from. So far, all that I've accomplished is getting within 50 feet of those crazy worshippers before they started chucking miniature pumpkins at my head.

Speaking of those miniature pumpkins, I've discovered another horrid thing of those Pygmy Pumpkin Enthusiasts: they have invented something they call the Automatically Bursting Easy To Make Pumpkin Bomb To Deter Annoying Spies Who Attempt To Steal Our Holy Pumpkin Secrets (or ABETMPBTDASWATSOHPS), but what I will call the Schmumpkin. Basically, the schmumpkins are little, hollowed-out miniature pumpkins filled with anything from rotten egg yolks to smelly pumpkin paste to even smaller hollowed-out pumpkins. Those insane pygmies, when conducting nightly pumpkin-placing operations, will voraciously throw these schmumpkins at intruders attempting to spy on them. This includes, but is not limited to: spies, assassins, pumpkin haters, pumpkin thieves (honestly, I cannot imagine who would want to steal pumpkins), sleepwalking dragons, enemy saboteurs, and, unfortunately, me. So far, I've been hit by a rotten egg yolk one, a green bean filled one, a steamed carrot one, a shiny metal needle one (that was a particularly painful one), and a schmumpkin filled with what seemed to be angry bees or hornets, though I don't know exactly which because I started running right after the hostile insect bomb landed on my nose.

As you can see, I have tried everything in the line of duty to stop these PPE maniacs from destroying the camp with pumpkins. I have removed every single pumpkin I have seen (though I do believe I have tripped over several invisible pumpkins), I have attempted to spy on those pygmies to see their source so I can destroy it (and gotten about three dozen insect stings on my nose), and I have even attempted to mix up a potion that will eradicate all the pumpkins within fifty miles of where I activate it (though that has resulted in quite a few explosions from the leader's den)! I have tried all I can, and yet, those pesky pumpkins elude me so! They creep up on me and sneak up on me and fall down on me (and make me fall down)! Every time I think I have wiped out the pumpkins, they come back, thanks to that good-for-nothing crazy-pumpkin-god-worshipping group The Society of Pygmy Pumpkin Enthusiasts!

But there is one thing I can do. I can officially order these rascal pygmies to stop. I am their leader, after all, and they are the rulers of the pumpkins! If I order them to stop, then they will have to order the pumpkins to stop, and then I will not have problems with pumpkins anymore! But, alas, I cannot! For some reason, the two other leaders of the clan, Isendae Anamatus and Midnight Jubilante, think it's funny! Isendae laughs at the pumpkins' so-called 'funny faces'. Midnight Jubilante chuckles whenever I trip over one, right in front of everybody! I can't officially order the Pygmy Pumpkin Enthusiasts to stop because I've got to get Isendae Anamatus and Midnight Jubilante to agree, and I can already tell you, that's harder than avoiding those creepy pumpkins!

You know what? I can't wait for halloween to be over.