AN: Guess what? I don't own Naruto! I wonder if you guessed right.
So, why am I writing a collection of humor/parody oneshots? I've never done anything like that before. Because lately I've been really stressed out about school and about life, and I just feel like it. It's fun. And it's funny for me and I want to. So I'm going to.
What will the topic of these oneshots be? Whatever pops into my little head! Sometimes it's questions I have, things I've noticed, things that bother me, or things I just felt like writing about. You want to give me a suggestion? Have at it; I'll consider it.
There's going to be a whole conglomeration of characters, but I tagged Naruto and Temari because they'll probably pop up the most: Naruto because he's the main character and kind of essential, and Temari because she's super-duper.
THE TEAM RULE
Starring: Shikamaru Nara, Temari, Kiba Inuzuka, and Hinata Hyūga
Plot: Shikamaru and Temari have a heated discussion about the Team Rule.
Shikamaru scanned the streets around him lazily. He was supposed to be escorting Temari around the village but currently could not locate the escortee. This was unusual because usually he was the one who would avoid her, but it seemed this time the hider had become the hidee. The irony was not lost on him.
As he ambled along he realized he had stumbled upon the restaurant district of Konoha. This was rather troublesome because this caused him to notice he was actually quite hungry. He knew that if he didn't locate Temari he wouldn't be able to eat though. The tyrant of a woman always coerced him into eating lunch and paying for the meal. Not that he would ever complain: he preferred her when she was fed. She was a lot less sassy on a full stomach.
So despite his unhappy stomach, he continued on. He would do his duty and find the woman he was responsible for. Being a ninja was tough.
Shikamaru then noticed something peculiar inside one of the restaurants. One of the plants had two puffy blonde leafs. In all of his experience, he had never come across a blonde plant.
Wait, he knew those blonde leafs. Oh shit, his partner had gone crazy and was now hiding in plants. Life was definitely out to get him.
He approached the plant slowly and found Temari in a crouch behind the plants watching something intently. She was too engrossed in her strange behaviors to notice him though.
"What are you doing in a plant?" asked Shikamaru startling her as she finally noticed his presence.
"Be quiet!" hissed Temari dragging him down next to her. "You're going to get us caught!"
"Caught by who?" questioned Shikamaru scanning the restaurant.
"Lower your voice, Nara!" whisper yelled Temari. "By Kiba and Hinata, obviously."
"…You're hiding in a plant, to spy on Kiba and Hinata?"
"Yes," answered Temari as though the question was ridiculous. She rolled her eyes for emphasis.
"Well would you mind explaining why to me?" asked Shikamaru turning to look at said couple and trying to figure out what was so interesting about them.
"I think they're on a date," responded Temari bringing out a pair of binoculars to get a better look.
"That's…that's insane. What in the world gave you that idea?"
"The team rule," said Temari simply.
"The what?" he asked looking at her in confusion.
"The team rule," repeated Temari exasperatedly. "When two shinobi on the same team of opposite genders spend a lot of time together while not on missions, then they are obviously in a romantic relationship."
"Where the hell did come up with that? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," declared Shikamaru.
"It is not stupid! I'm not even the one who came up with it. And it's been proven over and over again," retorted Temari indignantly.
"I highly doubt that. What proof could you possibly have?"
"Name any team you can think of and I can prove it to you!" challenged Temari.
"That isn't going to prove anything," said Shikamaru.
"Oh yeah? I bet you can't think of a single team it won't work for!"
"Fine, I'll play your little game. Team Seven."
"Sakura and Naruto," answered Temari easily.
"They're not together."
"Yes, but they will be. They follow the team rule perfectly. Next team," demanded Temari.
"Ugh, woman. Gai's team."
"That's even better because Tenten could end up with either Neji or Lee. It works for both!" exclaimed Temari.
"Tenten doesn't get any say in this? What if she doesn't want to end up with someone from her team?" questioned Shikamaru.
"Not an option," replied Temari. "Next."
"I'm guessing you're going to say the couple from Team Eight is Kiba and Hinata?"
"Why not Shino?" asked Shikamaru.
"Well, he's a little creepy. Bugs aren't my bailiwick. Anyway, Kiba goes out of his way to talk about protecting Hinata so it's set," explained Temari.
"Your reasons don't even make sense," complained Shikamaru.
"You're just upset because you can't beat me," said Temari with a smirk.
Shikamaru narrowed his eyes at her. He might be lazy. He might like to slack off. He might still be really hungry. But he was not going to lose to Temari if it was the last thing he did.
"Tsunade and Jiraiya."
"But they aren't together!" said Shikamaru obviously becoming agitated.
"Nobody in this whole universe is together, Crybaby," pointed out Temari. "The one confirmed couple lost one of it's member soon after. People are paranoid. It's the fact that they're going to be together."
"Whatever. Kakashi's team."
"Obito liked Rin, Rin liked Kakashi. Due to death no one ended up together."
"How do you even know that?" demanded Shikamaru.
"I have my sources," she replied evasively, eyes darting to the side mysteriously.
"The squirt and Moegi obviously have it bad for each other."
"Ino and Chouji."
"You have got to be kidding me. How did you come to that conclusion?" asked Shikamaru.
"Simple, after Ino gets over her shallowness she will realize that Chouji is a sweetheart and the man for her. Besides you weren't available."
"I'm not available?" Shikamaru asked giving her a weird look.
"Nope, you're taken. Don't try and fight it. Next."
Shikamaru debated pushing her on the subject, but deiced to store it in his brain for later. He had an argument to win. Distractions would not help him.
"Pain and Konan."
"Suigetsu and Karin."
"They hate each other!"
"There's a fine line between hate and unresolved sexual tension."
"The Sound Five."
"Tayuya and Kidomaru."
"You didn't even meet Kidomaru! You were there for about two minutes and then killed Tayuya!" complained Shikamaru.
"I was there long enough to see she had it bad for the spider guy."
"Has anyone ever told you you're mentally unstable?"
"Yes, but I've found that's rather common in our profession, also in my family. Next."
"How did you even hear about this rule?" asked Shikamaru.
"That isn't important," answered Temari shortly.
"I'm curious," insisted Shikamaru.
"Curiosity killed the Nara."
"Stop avoiding the question, woman."
"I don't know who made it up. Probably some hardcore shipper. Or Ino. Now stop trying to distract me and give me another team," answered Temari in a sassy tone.
Shikamaru racked his brains, but any team he thought of had people she would just twist into being in love. There was just no beating the damn team rule. He even did his little hand circle that never failed him. He just had to think of one team! Just one!
Temari watched him with a growing smirk. She knew she was beating him. Damn, she always found the perfect way to get under his skin.
"Give up?" asked Temari delightedly.
"Yes, I give up. Even if I thought of the least romantic people in the world you'd find a way to pair them up," he replied with a sigh.
"Nobody likes a sore loser Nara!" answered Temari glowing in her victory.
All of a sudden, Shikamaru noticed they weren't alone anymore. Two figures stood above them.
"So…what the hell are you two doing hiding behind a plant?" asked Kiba in confusion.
"K-kiba, don't be rude. It isn't any of o-our business why they're in the pl-plant," said Hinata nervously.
"Oh, we were just checking out what kind of plant it was!" lied Temari easily. "I like plants."
"I'm pretty sure you've been in there for over ten minutes," replied Kiba obviously not buying it.
"I like to be thorough," answered Temari standing up and dusting herself off. "Now if you'll excuse us, me and Nara are going to get lunch."
The group exchanged goodbyes. Kiba was still looking at them like they weren't quite sane as the parted. Shikamaru couldn't really blame him though. It did look strange to spend over ten minutes hiding in a plant. Stuff like this always seemed to happen to him, especially with Temari.
Then again they were finally going to get food, so maybe the day was improving. He walked alongside the not-so-sane Suna woman slightly more cheerful than before. It would be easier to be happy if she would stop gloating though.
Temari skipped next to him, whistling to Promises (Skrillex and Nero Remix) merrily. She really wanted to rub it in that he'd lost. Damn woman.
Shikamaru was not usually the type to brood, he left that to the pros like Neji and Sauske, but this was a serious damper to his genius reputation. His brain should have been able to come up with at least one team to defeat this so called "Team Rule".
If only it hadn't been Temari who he lost in a battle of wits. She was the type to never let him live stuff down. She still called him Crybaby even though it was years ago. Damn Suna and their weird unemotional people.
Shikamaru stopped walking instantly as a grin slowly spread over his face. Temari noticed and looked back at him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance.
"What's the holdup?" she asked impatiently.
"You still believe the team rule works for all teams with members of the opposite gender who spend time together out of missions?" asked Shikamaru slowly.
"Yes," answered Temari just as slowly, mocking him.
He just smirked at her for a minute, savoring the moment.
"Well, what about your team?"
"….You're sick, Shikamaru."
AN: Oh, the ending makes me chuckle! Hell, the whole thing makes me chuckle.
What brought on this oneshot? Well, personally I'm sick and tired of people's reasons for a certain couple belonging together because they're on the same team. And that's their only reason. I mean really, is that the only thing you base a relationship on?! It really gets my goat.
I'm not saying I don't like couples that are on the same team, that's just not why I like them. Most of the couples I do like happen to be on the same team. But I must be one of those insane people who think I need more reasons than "They're on the same team so it's just ermagerd cute and sparkles and rainbows! ."
I tried to tame down the ShikaTema shipper within me, but it still came out partially. Choose to interpret what you like, I don't mind.
Until next time Narutoites! Extreme brownie points to whoever knows what bailiwick means.
Oh, and if you want to drop me a review, that'd be cool. I dig them.