Chin had experienced grief before. He had lost his badge. The pain still lingered at times, not a stabbing pain as it used to be when he joined Five-0, but an ache. When he lost his badge, he lost his family. He had lost Malia. Thinking about her made his throat stricken. It was hard to take a deep breath. Chin remembered pleading to her to leave him – he didn't want her to be dragged in the mud. Now, mournfully, he realized that had been the wrong choice. He never should have fractured the relationship between Malia and him…because every second that she remained alive counted. Chin remembered how he had told Danny meeting Malia for the first time. Love at first sight isn't as corny as it sounds, he thought, watching the waves. Chin swallowed hard, reminding himself that Malia was in the water that she had loved so much. She was at peace. She would never feel pain again…nor would she see her husband again as long as he remained alive.
Chin had killed Delano. A part of him thought that his death would make his grief less poignant. He was wrong. Killing Delano did nothing to ease the pain in his heart. Even though he had the satisfaction, of killing his wife's murder, Chin still felt empty. All his life, Chin had hidden his feelings inside him. When he lost his badge. When he lost Malia. When his uncle was going to prison despite being a good man. Now Chin had lost Malia again, only this time she wasn't coming back. A spasm of grief almost made him fall onto the sand with his knees and weep unashamedly, but he stood. It was hard to keep his grief silent when his team was around him. By their glances, Chin knew that Kono and Danny expected grieve openly. Steve was different, having known him for years when he was a boy. He's like his father in that way, Chin thought. He understood as well that you can grieve and mourn in silence. He still remembered John McGarrett, his pale blue eyes looking through his own as if he knew what he was thinking. Steve had grieved for his father as well, also in silence.
Chin remembered choosing to save which of his loved ones. He had thought that Malia would live and Kono would die. He hadn't expected the opposite to happen. When Kono had appeared next to him suddenly, he had almost expected to see reproach or anger in her gaze. Instead he was met with eyes unclouded by hate. He was met with understanding. It was then that Chin understood that his cousin knew and comprehended what his decision was. There was a time when Chin thought that Kono wouldn't accept Malia because of their past, but he was wrong. Now it was his time to accept the man who loved his cousin, Adam Noshimuri, who had saved her from death. Despite Kono's gaze, however, Chin had a moment of reproach. "You should be dead," he had wanted to say. But then his voice vaporized as soon as Kono spoke. His guilt flowed through his veins. How could he have wished his beloved cousin dead?
The rug that he had found Malia on had been removed. It was replaced with a fresh white one. Even so, Chin could still remember how the bloodstain looked, and of how Malia had died there in that spot. The pictures of their wedding day still hung on the walls, and the chicken – now cold – was uneaten. Chin couldn't sleep, and when he did, he had nightmares of his wife dying over and over again. Sometimes he couldn't even bring himself to sleep in his bed. There was an empty space there, a space that echoed the pain in his heart. Tears welled in Chin's eyes as he thought about the empty house. He would gladly trade his life for Malia's, or for another moment with her. Just a moment. "A moment is everything," his grandmother had told him that once. If only he had followed her advice. Now Malia was gone. They would never see movies again, have dinner together, enjoy each other's company, or make love again. With Malia's death, Chin's happiness had ended.
He remembered vividly that she loved The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the books and the movie. He couldn't remember the reason why he thought that she wouldn't like the violent and fantasy movies. They were younger then, just starting to date, and on one of their first dates, she introduced him to the world of The Lord of the Rings. Chin felt adoration to the movies and the books ever since he met Malia. He could still remember his amused face as Malia had sung with one of the characters of every song. Her favorite, if he remembered correctly, was Edge of Night. He remembered too, as they were married, that he and Malia discussed names of their children. They both wanted the name Frodo for their son, and Arwen for their daughter. Now there would be no children. Malia was gone, and so had Chin's love for The Lord of the Rings when she had breathed no more. But still, his wife would still want him to sing to her, her requiem, her lullaby, before he let go of his grief and moved on.
"Home is behind
The world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
To the edge of night
Until the stars shall alight
Mist and shadow
Cloud and shade
All shall fade
All shall fade."
Thick tears streamed freely down Chin's cheeks. Somehow he felt that Malia was beside him as he sung. He took a deep breath, inhaling the warm night air, as he felt Malia drift away.
"Well Malia, there are many paths to tread…and you have tread it. I'm treading my own path, far away from you." Chin shakily took a deep breath as he remembered the words of the song. "My star, you will not fade. You will stay alight and be there with me. Always."