Just Desserts

By The Unseen Watcher

Slayers does not belong to me. I am not blackmailing or threatening the ones who do own it. Honest. Truly. ....well, not much.



"XELLOS! I know you're the one behind this! Get in here before I Ragna Blade you out of the Astral Plane!" Lina shouted (duh).

Xellos appeared, floating calmly in the air, a familiar look of total innocence on his face.

"Why Lina-chan, whatever is the matter?"

Lina glared at him, her hands itching to blast him into orbit. He'd been driving her crazy lately, and she hadn't even gotten the chance to pound him for it. Why, she thought despairingly, did I ever agree to marry this, this...Mazoku fruitcake? She thought ruefully to herself.

Lina Inverse, immortal sorceress and Chosen of L-sama, glared up at Xellos, Mazoku General Priest, Partner, Friend, and (L-sama save her) Husband.

Centuries of living had obviously rotted her good sense.

"Look!" She said. "Just look at what you did to my lab!" Lina pointed to the remains of her workshop, which was still smoking.

"Aw, Lina, it was just a harmless little joke." Xellos said, smiling disarmingly.

"A joke! I'll give you a joke! I have to completely rebuild! I'll have to have others rebuild. I'll have to PAY them for it!" Lina wailed, the prospect of parting with all that money was horrifying.

Lina stomped back to the remains of her lab, muttering curses about Mazoku and keeping them away from chemicals. Deliberate mislabeling had caused her little experiment with a light spell to have rather explosive results. I bet he thought it was hilarious, me standing there with a broken beaker and my face scorched with my hair sticking up. She thought sourly. It was a good thing she kept her original notes and books in a magic-resistant safe.

Aside from the totally destroyed building nothing serious had been lost. So she could concentrate on a much more satisfying goal; payback.


Swinging around, she marched back to the floating priest who, recognizing the signs of imminent danger, drifted up beyond her reach.

"Get back down here Xellos! I'm going to take this out inch by inch on your hide!"

Xellos grinned, his eyebrows lifting as he waggled a finger at her. "Now, now. It's much too early in the day for that, Lina-chan. Besides, you'll need all the energy you can spare yelling at the workers."

Lina flushed, cursing the fact that he could still do that to her. Her face darkened another shade as she registered his last jibe, but for an entirely different reason.

She was going to put this smirking, know-it-all, pranking, Irritating mazoku in his place. She was fed up and wanted some good old-fashioned Revenge. But how? She knew well that beating him to a pulp would only give him the added pleasure of pain to add to his meal of her anger. What would be the perfect way to get her revenge on the Trickster Priest himself? What was HE afraid of?

Slowly, an idea formed in her mind. With it, her anger seemed to evaporate, replaced by satisfaction as a malicious smile wormed its way onto her lips. He'd had this coming for a while.
She was surprised she'd never thought of it before.

****

Xellos watched his wife from behind the barrier of his eyelids and smile. , he mused to himself. She looked absolutely radiant when she was this mad. He silently admitted that he might have gone a bit far this time, but the look on her face when it happened! He silently chortled to himself at the image still fresh in his mind.

His personal congratulations were interrupted as he sensed her abrupt change in mood. At her smile he found himself bracing for the coming punishment.

He wasn't worried. Lina wouldn't seriously injure him, so he could enjoy the massive pain he would most likely experience with whatever she obviously had planned. Nothing she could do would be that bad.

****

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

Zelas Metallium's head jerked up from her contemplation of her crystal. Screams were not unheard of in her domain. In fact they were so frequent that most residents had long ago tuned them out, as long as it wasn't them doing the screaming. What surprised her and drew her immediate attention was that she could have sworn this one sounded like Xellos.

Before she could ponder further the mazoku himself burst through the doors to her chamber, his eyes wide open, a look of panic and naked fear on his face. As the astonished Zelas looked on,her servant/son dove behind her chair.

Zelas blinked. Had the world ended and she had somehow missed it? Turning around to look at the legendary, powerful Greater Mazoku priest she found him cowering behind her, trying to make himself as small as possible.

"XELLOS!!" She roared. "What in the name of the Four Worlds are you doing?!" Zelas was confused, irritated about being out of the loop, and even just the teensiest bit frightened. Xellos wasn't this scared of Anything. He'd faced foes enormously stronger than himself without flinching. He'd met L-sama herself and taken it calmly. He'd laughed (or smirked) in the face of agonizing death countless times.

What incomprehensibly horrible, terrifying thing could have done this to him?

A groan from him drew her attention back. His eyes were open and fixed with a look of impending doom toward the door. Quickly whipping around, Zelas prepared to do battle, resolving grimly not to go down easily.

What she saw caused her pretty jaw to flop open and made her drop her precious cigarette from limp fingers.

Lina walked through the doorway. Or at least, it looked like Lina. The sorceress had pulled her long red hair into two ponytails that bobbed on either side of her face. She was dressed up in a pink and white outfit covered with bows and ribbons, a frilly pink skirt bouncing with each step. It looked like someone had thrown up cotton candy on it. The effect of a demented cheerleader was completed by the look of wide-eyed innocence and the vapid smile that was plastered on her face. She seemed to radiate positive energy and downright kawaii-ness. Zelas fought the urge to retch.

Then, from somewhere she produced a microphone, and began to sing.

"I feel pretty, oh so pretty . . ."

Zelas' eyes popped as Lina started in on a song from 'West Side Story'. Music provided by a spell accompanied her. Waves of bouncy good cheer and sugary sweetness seemed to roll off of her in waves.

Behind her the Greater Beast heard her priest cursing himself for teaching her how to teleport.


"Xellos." Zelas whispered hoarsely, leaning back into her chair and looking on the verge of passing out, her face pale. "What in the name of the Dark Lord did you do? Murder a few babies? Start Ragnarok? Make her watch a Barney marathon?"

"No." Xellos whimpered, still unsuccessfully trying to shut out the performance. "I've . . . well been kind of bored lately so I decided to liven things up a bit."

"I booby trapped the bathroom, sent a few trolls her way, the odd banana peel in just the right place . . . and I kind of blew up her lab with her in it."@

"AWhat else?!" Zelas hissed, wincing as Lina switched to 'Singin' in the Rain', rain sounds and all. That pause in his speech was too suspicious. He was trying to hide something.

"Well . . ." Xellos answered reluctantly. "I did sort of take a peek at her diary."

" You WHAT?!! Xellos you, you . ." Zelas trailed off. Words had failed her. She had obviously not raised that boy right. Plotting, scheming, and manipulating aside, there were some universal lines that even mazoku shouldn't cross. Reading a girls diary, especially your wife's, was near the top. Men had been killed for less.

Lina must have been near her tolerance limit for a while. The lab incident must have been the last straw.

Thinking about what she would do in Lina's place, Zelas paled further. Pity for Xellos was overwhelmed by panic at the idea of being between the ticked sorceress and her target. Zelas opened her mouth to order him to leave when she glanced around and saw that it was already too late.

A line of conjured Princess Amelias in party outfits faced her. Smiling that legendary sickening Justice Speech grin, they all simultaneously held up microphones and broke into 'The Sound of Music.' Parts and all.

*****

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

The denizens of Wolf Pack Island looked up in shock as they heard their mistress and her general scream in absolute horror. Several of them decided to see what life was like on the far side of the island.