A/N: A season one AU o/s. There are only slight variations but of course everything is familiarly Chair.
Summary: Her heart thundered in her ears, her breath flew from her lungs and she felt like she was about to have a heart attack. She had never felt that way in her life. And all Chuck Bass did was wink at her.
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Characters and such are all Gossip Girl. I edited it myself so all mistakes are mine.
"What are you doing?"
"You can't do that."
The first thing Blair did the minute Nate told her that he had slept with her best friend was cry. When that was done, she began to think clearly. The second thing Blair did was realize that she wasn't exactly surprised.
"I knew it. I always knew. Get out!"
Her own screams reverberated in her skull and soon it began to sound dull and phony.
Just like her.
There was a reason why Nate was drawn to Serena van der Woodsen.
But Serena was gone.
Maybe that was why he told her.
"I don't understand."
Blair had the same dream over and over. She didn't need a shrink to tell her what was clear that was happening in her subconscious.
You can't do that.
She would rather not think about it.
What she knew she had to do instead was pay attention to the blued-eyed white knight in front of her. It was the first time since Serena had returned that he could even look her in the face.
She couldn't understand it.
"You want me to say it again?" Nate asked uncertainly.
"No," Blair said.
"I love you," Nate said again.
"I don't understand."
"I'm confused," Nate answered. "I thought this was what you wanted."
"So you're telling me you love me just because you think it's what I want to hear?"
"That's not what I meant," Nate answered. "Serena just said that you were acting weird—"
"Serena," Blair stated. "I heard that was a little been there, done that."
"I don't love Serena," Nate said. "I realize that. I understand that now. I had to be with her just to realize—"
"I don't need the speech you prepared."
"I miss you."
"Forgive me if that's a little hard to believe."
"I love you, Blair," Nate said. "And I want to be with you."
Blair took a deep breath. This wasn't really something she was sure she could handle at the moment. She hadn't even thought about Nate that way since everything fell apart. It wasn't that she didn't still have feelings for him. She had just been otherwise…
What are you doing?
And then Blair smiled. "I know."
She had the dream again. That was the thing about dreams. They are never memories strictly detail for detail. In these dreams, every sound, every kiss, every touch was amplified a thousand times.
And every move he did was twisted and drawn out to extremes that could never be executed in reality.
That didn't mean that she didn't experience it every night.
What are you—can't do that—kissing—know.
Serena smiled with the true genuineness that only she and her sincerity were capable of. Nate held Blair's hand and kissed her in public. But she had never been more afraid in her life than she was at that very moment.
Her heart thundered in her ears, her breath flew from her lungs and she felt like she was about to have a heart attack. She had never felt that way in her life.
And all Chuck Bass did was wink at her.
Nate walked off to lacrosse practice and his best friend fell in step with him, using only a split second to look over his shoulder and throw a wink at Blair that made her implode.
Chuck Bass was the only person that could ever scare her.
"Are you alright?"
They always asked her that.
She never knew the answer.
"Isn't it good?"
Nate was staring at the joint between Chuck's fingers that was slowly burning out. Nate's own had been consumed minutes ago. Chuck would have given his friend the rest of his. He seemed to have lost his taste for it.
Chuck couldn't remember the last time he had lit up. Not when the events in his limo were the most intoxicating he had ever experienced—even more so than some illegal substance ever could be.
Memories alone were enough to keep him going.
But they would have to be considering he would never see her that way again.
Chuck could always get away with one-syllable answers. Articulating his feelings was never really his forte.
Feelings were something he could always do without. But lately, he didn't seem to have a choice in the matter. And especially after he learned that his best friend had decided that the love triangle he was suffering in would be better without a certain blonde corner, Chuck didn't know anything that was in his own head.
"You are going to try harder to get along with her, aren't you?"
He should have realized that Nate had at least something in his head too and had been going on about a topic that Chuck admittedly could do without.
"What does that mean?" Chuck asked.
"I thought you and Blair used to be friends."
Chuck didn't answer.
"Or least were able to tolerate each other."
"Make your point, Nathaniel."
"Why do you hate her?"
"Hate her?" Chuck repeated. "What would give you that idea?"
"What wouldn't?" Nate asked.
"I don't hate her."
"Good," Nate said. "Because I need to talk to you about something."
"Don't you have a girlfriend for that?"
"It's about her."
That gave Chuck pause. He hated it. He hated how his heart quickened and his pulse jumped just at the very thought of her. And even at the very thought of problems occurring between her and her boyfriend—even if it was his best friend—excited him.
"We've been talking and…" Nate struggled for words, "… I guess it was stupid for me to assume."
"That Blair's not a virgin."
"Blair's not a virgin," Chuck said slowly, rolling the words over his tongue. A delicious and horrible thrill went through him and he knew he was a terrible person.
"Was it stupid of me to assume that she hadn't been with anyone else while we were apart?"
"She's very breathtaking."
"It's just that I thought we were saving ourselves for each other—"
"You slept with her best friend."
"And I have to know who she slept with."
"You do?" Chuck asked. "You already know that she has. What's done is done."
"It's killing me."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Chuck answered.
"I'm not mad at her or anything," Nate said hastily, as though Chuck had said anything of the sort. "I don't have a double-standard."
"You've assured me, Nathaniel," Chuck said. "Now tell me the problem."
"I just never thought she would love anyone but me."
"What does that mean?"
Nate finally looked at something besides the ground where his joint was smoldering.
"Blair actually told you about your time apart?" Chuck asked doubtfully. He wanted to doubt it. He didn't want to think about Blair going on about one night where he wasn't drunk and her inhibition was questionable. He never thought that she would tell Nate.
"Love and sex aren't the same thing," Chuck said. "I'm sure it is when you two are-"
"We haven't," Nate said quietly. "Yet. We haven't yet."
"Why?" Chuck asked incredulously. He honestly couldn't think of a reason.
"That's what I'm trying to tell you," Nate said. "There was another guy that Blair was with. And in this case, sex and love are the same thing."
"She said that?" Chuck asked. "She said that she was in love with the person she slept with?"
"She hasn't told me she loved me since we got back together," Nate said. "She used to tell me every chance she got."
"She was afraid you were slipping away."
"And now she's not," Nate said.
"You're just assuming because of that, then," Chuck said. "She told you she slept with someone else?"
"She said that she wanted to be honest," Nate said. "And she said something about full disclosure…"
Nate trailed off.
"She told you she loved him?" Chuck asked again.
Nate was still staring at him in confusion. "Yes."
And then after a moment-
When he looked at her, she knew. They both thought about it. They thought about the summer when Serena was gone and Nate had told Blair what really happened at the Shepard Wedding just because he thought it was the right thing to do.
She had gone to his best friend not to grill him about where Nate's head was at, but just because she wanted to escape. She had no best friend and at the time, neither did Chuck.
Even now, when Chuck would look over at her, without saying a word, she knew exactly what he was thinking.
What are you doing?
You can't do that.
She let it all happen.
And she liked it.
But this was the first time they had spoken since she locked hands with her again-boyfriend.
Blair never expected Chuck to walk up to her in public. He was a black ops fighter. He did his best battles in the shadows, discreetly and manipulatively.
He was never forthright.
But he was looking at her, he was thinking about that night, and he wasn't backing down.
"Did you sleep with anyone besides me?"
He never understood subtlety when it came to romantic entanglements either.
She wasn't sure if she should take that as a compliment or not.
"Excuse me?" It was safe to go with incredulity at that point.
"I feel that the question is pretty direct," Chuck said nonchalantly.
"Like you have any right—"
"Besides Nate, obviously."
"Like I'm some concubine of the Upper East Side that just jumps on anyone exiting the boys' locker room—"
"I would assume that the prerequisite would at least be having a limo—"
The slap came hard, fast, but quite expected.
Just like her.
"I'm going to take that as a no," Chuck smirked.
She hated how smug he was, especially since she had no idea why.
"It's none of your business—" Blair sputtered. She couldn't even get her thoughts straight, let alone constructing a crafty sentence to throw Chuck Bass off her trail.
She knew there wasn't any way she was fooling him.
"Why would you do that?" Blair burst out. She wasn't quite sure what she was asking, if it had to do with their entire triangle that she was hoping was nonexistent. Or maybe she was just referring to him being… him.
But he seemed to understand.
"Why wouldn't I?"
"Because it's selfish! I'm with Nate now."
"What part about me screams selfless?"
He had a point.
"I love you, Blair."
The air was knocked out of her lungs again, but she wouldn't let it faze her—not in front of him.
"You don't even know what that means," Blair said coolly.
"But you do. And now, so do I. I'm a selfish, caddish scoundrel. And I'm in love with you. I've gone rogue. Who knows what I'll do next. Even I don't."
Without another word he turned on his heel and left her behind.
"Chuck, you're not supposed to say that."
It had started and it wasn't even close to ending.