OMG! A story that has nothing whatsover to do with Phantom of the Opera! It's a miracle!

Many thanks to my-echo and Cyberwulf for pieces like "Dear Denethor" and "Ask Erik" for inspiring this in the first place. This, as you may have guessed, is Watson's advice column! I'll be following Arthur Conan Doyle's stories for the most part, but there might be a few surprises down the road. Enjoy!

Dear Dr. Watson,

What really happened between Holmes and Irene Adler?

A Curious Reader

Dear Curious,

I have already told the public what really happened when Holmes rendered his services to the King of Bohemia. That was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If, perhaps, you are looking for a more romanticized fabrication, I suggest you ask Mr. Guy Ritchie.

Dr. Watson,

Half the public and the Holmes fan community are breathing down my neck criticizing me for my recent film adaptations. Where exactly did I go wrong?

Stumped Behind the Camera

Dear Stumped,

Speak of the Devil…Well, sir, I really don't know what to tell you. My field is in medicine, and while moving pictures are a fascinating diversion, I'm afraid I lack the expertise necessary to advise you. For what it's worth, I enjoyed your films. Holmes, however, informs me you would have done better to stick to the facts, as it was an excellent opportunity to instruct the public on the science of deduction.

Dearest doctor,

I have had several headaches recently accompanied by dizziness and faintness. What is your diagnosis?

Under the Weather

Dear Under,

Come to my office for further examination on Monday around noon. In the meantime, I suggest rest and have a brandy.

My dear Dr. Watson,

I've had slurred speech as of late, my judgment has been severely impaired, my inhibitions have all but vanished, my coordination isn't what it should be, and I've lost all ability to walk in a straight line. What is wrong with me? Is there a cure?

Ill and Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

My suggestion to you is to leave the brandy alone for the time being and see how you feel after a dry spell.

Dr. Watson,

There is a nosy investigator prying into my personal affairs, and he's being rather a nuisance. Please inform him once and for all that I am merely a professor, that I have no ties whatsoever to London's criminal element, and that if he persists in annoying me, I shall have to put a stop to him.


Dear Professor Moriarty,

Being a man every inch as intelligent as my colleague, surely you understood before you wrote that no amount of reasoning would turn Holmes from your trail. I can't fathom what you hoped to accomplish, but rest assured you would have just as little luck appealing to Holmes himself. My advice? Turn yourself in before he nails you to the wall. And have a brandy.

Dear Dr. Watson,

As admired as Mr. Holmes is by the public, you are the one that receives the most female attention. Why is this?

Just Wondering

Dear Holmes,

No! Kidding! Dear Wondering, you're absolutely right. Holmes is brilliant, cultured, good-looking, suave, and talented. But what can I say? Women love a man in uniform, and they can't resist the bullet scar.

Dear Watson,

My flatmate is a wonderful fellow, but he has a habit of relocating my personal effects. How should I get him to stop this behavior?

Frustrated Lodger

For the last time, Holmes, I haven't touched the cocaine bottle! But while we're on the subject, it's an appalling habit, especially in one with a mind such as yours, and you would do well to kick it…but I repeat: I. Have not. Touched it.

Dear Dr. Watson,

What's really going on between you and Holmes?

Oh Lord, one of those….

Dear Dr. Watson,

What do you do when you're not treating patients, working a case with Holmes, or writing about working a case with Holmes?

I enjoy rugby, Mr. Poe's works, light exercise, and good music.

P.S. I am not now, nor have I ever been a gambling man, just to clear the air on that. Thank you.

My dearest John,

Will you be home for supper this evening?

Your Loving Wife

My darling Mary,

Of course I will, sweetheart. And Holmes sends his regards. He'll also be over for brandy.

If you had fun, more is on the way. In the future, Holmes may pop in from time to time with his own column. As with "Psychotherapy of an Opera Phantom," I'm looking forward to reader participation, so if you have a question for the good doctor, I'd love to hear it! :)