A/N:4x04 spoilers

My heart is breaking:(:(:(:( Ryan better fix this! I know a lot of these stories are out there but I needed to get my feelings out. God damn it:( What the FUCK Santana? That girl was nothing compared to Brittany!

And Heather...RIB wasted her talent in the first three seasons- she acted the most believably for me, I applaud her.

SADNESS


Screw You, She's MINE


"Ohh...Santana..." Cassidy said from beneath me.

"Uh...harder," I groaned.

"I'm gonna come San..." she whined before going faster. Fuck, I wasn't even close. Our pussy's rubbed together and yeah it felt good but it just wasn't...

I willed myself to stop thinking and focused on the task at hand.

"Are you close?" the blonde whispered hotly in my ear as she continued thrusting. No. No I wasn't.

"Uh YES," I whined. What can I say, I was a pretty good actress.

"Oh. OH! FUCK YES!" she screamed as she came against me, and I faked my own climax.

I faked it.

"Wow..." she breathed as we both stilled and just breathed," I swear you get better every single time."

"Aha...yeah..." I chuckled.

"Wow..." she said again. I controlled the urge to sigh and was grateful when she didn't reply. I rolled off of her and distanced myself so we weren't touching,"'night babe, that was awesome," Cass said before turning off the lights, leaving me to my racing thoughts.

It was just another night- another night filled with meaningless sex, faked orgasms and a longing for...for...

I gave in.

A longing for Brittany.

I tried not to think of her as much because it just made me want to cry. I miss her so much but what I did was for the best. I didn't want to end up like Blaine and Kurt or Finn and Rachel, or even Mike and Tina. The long distance thing never works out...but I was too selfish to let her go.

An open relationship.

What kind of twisted, desperate-ass, mother fucker suggests that kind of idiotic thing?

Answer: Me.

It's been almost two months now. It was even harder at first- I felt like complete shit when I drove back to Louisville. I had to stop on the highway just to cry.

I hit the steering wheel and almost broke my hand because WHY? Why the fuck did I say that to her? The only person I have ever loved?

And the look on her face...

I feel a tear slip down my face as I thought about it.

After that, I started drinking more- exploring more. Yeah, the girls were hot and the sex was pretty good for awhile but all of a sudden just couldn't do it anymore. It had been about a week and half after we became open.

I had pushed down all my feelings but after awhile I couldn't hold back.

The first time I screamed Brittany's name when I was having sex with someone else I cried for hours- and not just because the girl threw her hair brush at me.

All the regret and guilt just bubbled up to the surface. I became reckless- my grades started dropping, I started drinking even more, having meaningless sex more.

I spiraled out of control.

The worst part was, I could only ever get off when I thought about Brittany. And afterwards I just felt even guiltier and dirtier and more ashamed.

Then, she saved me once again. Even though she didn't even know it...

Flashback

I had just come back to my dorm after fucking some random girl while imagining it was my- girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Love of my life? How the FUCK did this open relationship shit work?!- best friend that was beneath me.

By now I was used to the shame and I just felt numb. I was about to go back out to get a drink because I couldn't close my eyes without seeing blue ones.

Then I got the call and my heart sped up for the first time in what felt like ages.

My phone flashed and 'Britt-Britt' appeared on the screen.

I stared at it in shock.

This was the first time Brittany had called since...that day. I had thought about calling her and telling her I was stupid and sorry but I just...I was so scared. What would she say if I picked up? Would she yell? Tell me that she never wanted to see me again? Tell me that she had found someone else?

Before I could think of anything worse I answered the call.

"H-hello?" I stuttered. I was more nervous then I realized.

"San, hi." Upon, hearing her voice my heart broke all over again. She didn't sound angry, or disappointed. She tried to sound a little happy but...she also sounded broken. I remember she used to always be cheery when we talked on the phone and I felt the tears swell behind my eyes when I realized I caused her to sound like this.

"Brittany..." I breathed. No matter how shitty I felt, I still missed the sound of her voice so fucking much.

"Santana..." she said in that voice again," Can we be done not talking?" she said it so innocently, I chuckled a little, simultaneously making the first tear fall. Oh Britt...

"W-what?" I asked, confused. Brittany always was too smart for me.

"I miss talking to you San and I hate that we're not talking anymore. I miss my best friend."

Her best friend.

Not her girlfriend.

Not her lover.

Not the girl she was IN love with.

Her best FRIEND.

More tears spilled.

"I missed you too Britt...so much."

"I'm still mad, and sad, but can we just...can we just talk? Please," she begged. And I could hear the pout, could see it when I closed my eyes.

"Yeah Britt," I choked a little on my sobs.

"Okay, well..." and then she continued to talk about nothing. Well, it was something to her and I, but most wouldn't get it. We talked for hours- mostly her- and we even laughed a little.

We didn't talk about our relationship though.

It was just too hard.

End Flashback

After that night we started talking to each other more and more. At first we didn't say much, or there would be a few days where we went without talking at all, but eventually things seemed almost...normal. Like I could pretend that nothing had changed. I thought that maybe, maybe I could do this.

Then I met Cassidy. She was blonde, had blue eyes- yeah, I already said missed Brittany- and she was nice to me. Plus she was hot. Eventually I stopped having one night stands and she became a regular fuck-buddy that occasionally slept over.

But she would never be Brittany. And no matter how much I tried to tell myself otherwise, I knew she would never fully satisfy me. Even she knew that. She knew about Britt after all.

"You're thinking about her again, aren't you?" she said beside me, causing me to flinch.

"Shit Cass, I didn't know you were sill awake." I felt her arm snake around my naked waist. Even though I knew I could never love Cassidy It felt good to be wanted by someone.

"She was just holding you back San..." she says for the billionth time.

"No. She wasn't, I just didn't want to end up fucking up like I always do and break her heart even more than I already have."

"Exactly. You're here and she's there, one of you would have cheated eventually you made the right decision." I fought the urge to argue because Cass was telling me exactly what I wanted to hear right? Exactly why I broke up with Britt in the first place.

"Besides, how can you even begin to experience college if you had been holding onto your high school girlfriend? You would've been missing out." Again, I try not to argue. This just another thing I can add to the 'Why I miss Britt' list: Everything was so easy with her.

I never had to worry about what I said around her or think about how I acted because I knew she would always understand. Always. Even when I told her about Cassidy...

Flashback

I was going for my coffee run (also known as, my time to chat with B) one morning and it was a little chilly so I was bundled up. Of course, wearing one of Brittany's hats that she leant me before...

Yeah. I was pathetic.

"...I'll have a Venti hot chocolate, thanks!" I heard her say on the line as I opened the door to the mom and pop shop.

"So, have you met anyone new?" she asks. Her voice has gotten lighter since that first time but I could still detect a hint of sadness to it. But I'm happy I can talk like this with her again.

"Britt, I meet new people everyday," I teased. She loves it when I tease.

"Well, yeah but you know what I mean...like...anyone special?" I bite my lip. No one will ever be as special as her, but Cassidy does come to mind. As always, Brittany can sense what I'm feeling," San, it's okay. You can tell me."

"Well there is this one girl..." fuck it was so weird, talking about girls with her when I would much rather be with her.

"Oh yeah?" she sounds amused but the voice is back," Tell me about her."

"Umm...she's blonde...and has blue eyes, but they're duller than yours."

Not nearly as pretty and complex, I think but don't say out loud.

"Mhmm," she says, like she's not surprised," Is she good in bed?" I scold myself because damn, I don't even know where Britt and I stand and she still makes me blush insanely.

"Brittany..." I say, because maybe she's ready to talk about it but I definitely am not.

"Yes San?" she says cutely.

For as much as we talked we have never once addressed what WE are. We haven't said I love you in almost two months. I didn't know what to say...and fortunately (or unfortunately) I didn't have to say anything.

"Look, we'll talk later San. Blaine's here and he looks super sad again. Bye!"

And then she's gone.

End flashback

Part of me was so angry at her that day- really? 'Is she good in bed?' didn't I mean anything to her, but then that other part of me was saying, wasn't this what you wanted?

"You know what you need?" Cass said, again, reminding you that she existed.

"What?" you say tiredly.

"Closure."

"What?" Closure...closure would imply that I wanted something to end.

"Think about it! You can't live life because you're still so hung up on Brenda."

"Brittany," I correct her angrily. I know she knows her name.

"Whatever. Look, you didn't even break up with the girl. You just kinda left. That's why you think you're still in love with her." Though I didn't believe her words I couldn't help but doubt myself. Was I really just kidding myself into thinking that Brittany would still want me after I crushed her? I basically just told her that I was going to cheat with someone eventually and that I just wanted to break up with her so my conscious would be saved later.

I am such an ass.

Maybe I did need closure.


After weeks of these 'friendly chats' I found myself wondering if Cassidy was actually right.

But I didn't need closure for myself, I needed it for Brittany. I needed to know that she was really okay because I knew that without her, I never would be. At least not truly. Maybe both of us weren't miserable.

I decided to make a surprise visit up to Lima the first couple days I had free. Thankfully, Brittany was on the phone to keep me company.

"So how's school?" I asked.

"I'm actually doing pretty good! I got a B minus on my algebra test the other day!" she exclaimed. Instantly my heart swelled with pride. Math was always her hardest and least favorite subject.

"Oh my god Britt I'm so proud of you!" I said," I wish I could give you a big hug!" I told myself that I would be able to do just that in approximately twenty minutes.

"Don't worry, Sam gave me a hug for you. We helped each other study- he got a C plus but I think he would have done better if I didn't make him help me..." she sounded so sad. She always hated when people sacrificed something for her. She was amazing like that.

"Don't worry B. I'm sure Trouty didn't mind- and a C's not too bad either!"

"Don't call him that San," she deadpanned. For once she actually sounded kind of...angry. I immediately felt something was wrong. She didn't get mad at me when I practically broke up with her, or when I told her I was seeing someone else but when I call Ken a term which I can only describe as 'endearing' she gets mad.

"W-what?"

"I said don't call him that. He doesn't like it when people make fun of his lips," she chastised me.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." I said, not knowing what else to do. I frowned.

"...So what's going on with you and Sam?" I asked cautiously.

"Nothing, we're friends."

"Really?" I was skeptical, that trout was a slimy one.

"Yeah, he's a great friend. He always knows just what to say and he's always there for me," my stomach instantly dropped. I could almost hear the 'unlike you' attached to the end of that sentence.

"I-I'm sure he's great B."

"Listen, I've got to go...I've got homework to do."

"Okay, I'll talk to you later.

That had to have been the shortest ten minutes of my life.

It felt like ten seconds from the time I hung up with Brittany to the time I was standing outside her front door.

I didn't know what to make of our last conversation. Was she mad at me? Was there really nothing going on between her and Sam? What was going to happen when I saw her?

I took a deep breath and knocked.

Instantly the door was answered...by the wrong blonde.

"Oh Santana! What a surprise!" Mr. Pierce, AKA James, said.

"Hi James," I said.

"Here to see Brittany, I assume?" he asked.

"Mhmm."

"Well, I was just about to head out. Her and Sam should be in the dining room studying- I'll catch up with you later."

There it was again, that shitty feeling in my stomach.

Sam.

"Well...I'll see you around Santana. Make sure that whatever happened between you two, you fix it alright? Or else next time I won't be so inviting," it surprised me because he was still smiling as he said it.

It was very intimidating.

Then, suddenly, he was gone.

Taking another deep breath, I stepped inside the familiar house. Instantly I was overtaken by that comforting scent that all houses have depending on who lived in them. And this one smelled a lot like Brittany.

Then I heard it.

"...so I'm pretty sure that this uses x=mx+b. So if m is 20 and b is 12 then the y-intercept is also 12-see?" I heard Brittany's sweet voice and my heart melted.

"OH okay! Now I get it! Why don't they just SAY that b is the y-intercept! Thanks B..." then my heart froze again. When I heard a silence I panicked, thinking they were kissing or something, and I quickly went to the dining room where they were both startled by my sudden appearance.

"Santana?" Brittany asked quietly, as if she couldn't believe I was there.

"Britt..." I whispered. My eyes scanned her first, then her surroundings. She was beautiful, as always. That cheerleading uniform still looked super sexy in her- the only thing missing was the high pony, instead her straightened hair fell over strong shoulders.

Then my eyes narrowed.

Sam was sitting too close to her and his arm was on the back of her chair. They weren't actually touching but they may as well have been.

"Umm, you guys obviously have a lot to talk about," Trouty said," I'll just..." he got up and Brittany immediately got up too.

"No wait-"

"Britt c'mon. She came all this way," he smiled sadly before looking at Brittany.

He looked at her like I like at her when she was still with Artie.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry..." Brittany said to him. He wrapped her in a tight, too-long-to-be-platonic hug.

"It's okay...I'll catch you later." He squeezed her one last time before letting go.

"Nice seeing you San," he smiled as he walked passed me. I nodded in acknowledgement.

The door closed, leaving Brittany and I alone.

Before anything was said I did what I ha been longing to do since the day we parted. I scooped her up in my arms and hugged her tightly like I never wanted to let go.

Because I didn't.

"San..." she whispered into my hair.

"I missed you so fucking much..." I sighed.

"Santana," she said more sternly and I suddenly realized she wasn't hugging me back. I let go of her and she took a small step back.

"What are you doing here?"

"I...I," I stuttered, not really knowing what to say," I needed to see you." 'I wanted to know if you had moved on...if you were okay.'

"Santana..." she sighed heavily, she sounded so tired. She turned her back to me and walked over to the couch before sitting down, looking at me expectantly. I sat next to her," What are you doing here?" she repeated.

"I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"And? What have you decided?" she was never this passive-aggressive before. I blame my surprise for what came out of my big mouth next,

"I think that Sam is really making sure you're taken care of." As soon as the words left my mouth I that sarcastic tone I knew I had shot myself in the foot.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" she seethed.

"Britt I didn't mean-"

"No," she cut me off. I was surprised my jaw didn't drop. Never has she ever just said NO like that.

"Wh-"

"Santana...you can't keep doing this!" My mouth stayed shut. What did she mean? "You need to...you need to stop giving me hope."

"What?"

"Santana!" she said raising her voice, which was, again, something he did not usually do," Just listen to me!" she closed her eyes and exhaled," You...need to stop, and decide what you want. You can't keep leading me on like this. You graduate and say you want to stay with me, then you come back and don't even have the guts to break-up with me because you're bored with me!"

"I wasn't-"

"Shut up Santana, seriously. Why the hell else would you want an 'open-relationship?' You think that I would be happy sharing you with anyone else? That I want to be loved 'the most'?!" she was crying now and I couldn't help but sit there, whimper, and do the same.

"No! I fucking don't San. But you know what? I was willing to deal with it because I love you. I love you, no matter what you do. And I would rather have a little portion of your love then none at all."

"Brittany...I do love you. I love you so-"

"I said STOP Santana! You can't love me as much as you say you do or you'd at least give me some kind of defininant answer. You don't toy with someone you loe Santana. And you also don't have the right I be jealous of Sam, who is my friend, when you fuck Cassidy or whoever and tell me that you want an open relationship."

The tears were streaming down my face now. She was right. She was completely right.

"I'm s-so s-sorry!" I sobbed. My hands in my lap. I wanted to hold hers but I didn't think that would be appropriate.

"Just...give me something Santana...please," she begged. And through my blurry vision I could make out the puffyness of her eyes. The bags under her eyes that weren't there the last time I saw her," Or else I-I..." her voice cracked and she couldn't even finish her sentence.

I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and just die.

I had done this to her.

And I would have to fix it.

I got of the couch and kneeled down in front of her, grasping her hands in mine as she gave up her rant and sobbed.

"W-why wasn't I e-enough for y-you?"

I lowered my head onto her knees as out tears shook both our bodies. I tried to catch my breath so I could talk a little coherently.

"You were enough for me- you have always been enough for me I-I just didn't want to mess up our relationship. When Kurt called me and told me that Blaine cheated I could hear the hurt I his voice. And then I thought about that girl in the library and how I was such a slut before, and I cheated like it was nothing. I knew that girl was somewhere deep inside me and I didn't want to hurt you like Blaine hurt Kurt. So I chose the easy way out. I thought by being in an open relationship I could still have you and experience life without having to break your heart."

"That's fucking bullsh-"

"But I was WRONG! I was so fucking wrong Brittany and I hate myself everyday for what I did to you- what I've done to you. I hate myself. After I realized I could never have anyone as good as you, that there would NEVER be someone that could tempt me to cheat on you or think that you weren't enough for me it was too late. I thought you had moved on- that you just wanted to be JUST best friends again...and then today...with Sam...I'm just. I love you so much and I am so fucking sorry Brittany!" I cried and I realized how pathetic I must look right now. I didn't deserve this beautiful women. I didn't deserve her love or her friendship.

After what seemed like eternity she spoke again.

"I-I tried to play it cool..." she said," I tried for awhile, to pretend it was nothing. I went to bars, slept around. But nothing I did could fill the void that you tore into me. Thankfully, I had Sam and he pulled me up and helped me get though the pain..." I sobbed harder at this," He was there for me when you weren't Santana. And I thought maybe, maybe there was something there. But on our first date I- I just couldn't do it. I walked into Breadstix, looked at our table and just turned and ran. He understood."

Why the fuck was I such an ungrateful bitch? Why did I have to go and fuck this up?

"But the one thing I learned...is that no matter what you do to me Santana..." her voice changed- the sadness was gone now. And she put a single finger on my chin and tilted it upwards so our eyes met,"...I will always love you. Always. I regretted not going after you. Regretted not fighting for us. When I saw that you were living life without me I was devastated. But no matter how much I tried to tell myself to hate you, I just couldn't. I may not be it for you San, but you're it for me. And I will always be here. For what ever reason you need."

"I...I'll never leave you again Brittany. I don't deserve you and I know I have to work for your forgiveness but I just...you're it for me too Britt-Britt," I gave her a weak smile and felt relief wash over me when she returned it with watery eyes. Then she grabbed under my arms and hauled me onto her lap- she was already strong but it seems she had gotten stronger since I last saw her.

"Thank you..." I whispered into her neck as she held me. God I sucked. I broke up with her and I'M the one who needs comforting?

"I'm still pissed at you, San...but I can't do this anymore. I need you."

"I need you too...and I'm sorry. I'm so SORRY..."

She held me tighter and kissed the top of my head. I felt so at home in her arms, how could I be so stupid to think I needed anything else?

"I'll never leave you alone again, Britt."


A/N2: So yeah there's my emotional outburst. Not my best writing ever obviously but I just had SO MANY FEELINGS! IDK if I'm going to continue since it can stand as a one shot but I hope you enjoyed.

Brittana is endgame.