DISCLAIMER: I do not own
A/N: Based on the song kiss with a fist. Requested by Phoebe Cloud. I wanted to go in depth into Dark Doctor here. Set after the angels take Manhattan I hope you like.
Written in River's point of view :
He was stood looking at me with eyes as black as ink. His jaw was locked firmly in place, and his breathing was ragged. I could feel his pain reaching out to me, coiling around me, and dragging me in. He was angry. Perhaps the angriest I have ever seen him.
My heart leapt in fright, skipping beats, and pumping blood through my veins frantically. I took a step backwards from him. Whenever he got like this he became the man Kavarian had told me about when I was little. The evil destroyer of all words, the lonely God, the oncoming storm. I had believed her for a while. I killed him with a kiss. He told me he loved me. That was the first time those three little words were ever said in my direction. I gave up everything for him. I breathed each of my lives into his deflated lungs, and watched as he lay powerless to stop me. I woke to a world with a brand new prospective. I also learnt the most important rule about The Doctor : He lies.
He had left me with a small, leather bound book. It was the bluest of blues. TARDIS blue. Its pages had been blank back then. I wondered for a very long while why he had given me such a gift and then I realised that he wanted me to treasure each good time I spent with him, because when the bad times came, like now, I'd always have something to look back on.
I had very nearly killed him again on the side of the lake of Selencio. I stopped time to save him, but he had pleaded to let him go. He had thrown some hurtful things out there on that day, but then he had married her. To this day his decision to marry her in that moment still confuses me. Of course I saw that little Stetson wearing doctor in the tesalecta's metal eye, and I had been filled with such hope. Hope that I'd spend many more years to come travelling with the mad, impossible man across the stars, and running.
For a while I had spent such a lonely amount of time in Stormacage. I had been isolated, and I had felt abandoned. Then he would turn up in that beautiful blue box of his, snap his fingers, and let me out of my cage. We had done so much on our adventures. I have seen every side of him. The good and the bad. We have been through everything together, and I love him. No matter how much I get hurt by doing so I don't think I'll ever be able to stop.
One time when I was staying on board the TARDIS for the night I heard him screaming in his sleep. When he woke he stared at me with a fuming hatred. He had lashed out at me, and had pinned me up against a wall whilst scrutinising with his eyes alone. Later I had found out why he had done it. I reminded him of them. Of his people. Of everyone, and everything he had ever lost. He had cried, and I had forgiven him.
Now as he strides to me I can tell that I'm yet another reminder of what he's lost, " Sweetie, calm down. " My voice was shaking with fear. It was a silly thing really. To be scared of my own husband. The man who had shown love, and care for me on more than one occasion. I don't doubt that he does love me, but sometimes, just sometimes, he's too blind to see it. His own agro, and past clouds his sight, and he doesn't see me. He doesn't realize the damage he causes. I try and hide the bruises, and cuts he inflicts on me. I remember telling my mother how important it is to hide the damage from him. It seemed so ironic now that she was gone.
I felt a tear slip down my cheek. He's inches away from me now. I can feel his hot breath against my skin. I can hear his two hearts beating out an out of beat melody, "You could have stopped this from happening River." His voice was low, and dangerous.
A small hiccupped sob escaped my lips, "I couldn't my love. Events played out exactly how they were meant to play out." I bit my lip nervously, and edged away from him.
He shook his head and looked up at me through his dark mop of brown hair, " Who are you to tell me how events are to play out dear." He hissed, and grabbed her wrist. He looked down at it, confused, and irritated. It was the wrist that he had forced me to break. It was the wrist that he had then healed. He was always doing that. Wasting his regeneration energy on her whenever I am injured because of him.
He pressed his thumb against my pulse, and began to rub it in circles. I felt my blood freeze within my body. The circles were meaningless at first, but then they started to become bigger, and more extravagant. I realized to my horror that he was trying to communicate in Gallifreyan to me. I focused all of my attention on those strokes. I made out only a few of the things he was writing on my wrist. Pain. Loss. Grief . Confusion. Sorrow.
" I know my love. " I whispered to him. I tried to show that I understood what he was feeling. I was going through the grief of losing both my parents. I knew what he was feeling.
" What exactly is it that you know?" His grip tightened on my wrist, "Do you know what I see when I look at you River. I look in your eyes River, and I can see them living in you. Do you know how that makes me feel? " He growled, "They're gone!" He roared and pushed me with brute force. " Gone! I'll never see them again! Bye, bye Ponds." He grabbed me by the waist and tossed me to the side like a rag doll.
I almost fell backwards but I managed to regain my balance. He shoved me again, and grabbed me by the arm. So I found myself fighting back the only way I knew how. I slapped him.
He whimpered, and took a step back from me. He looked at me like it was the first time he was seeing me, " River …" His voice quaked brokenly.
He looked down guiltily at the bruises now painting my wrist, and arms. He growled. This time his anger wasn't aimed at me. It was aimed at himself. He swerved round, and kicked the TARDIS console with a loud clank. He then hissed and grabbed at his foot, " Stupid fool. Stupid me. Stupid Doctor" He chanted under his breath, and slid to the floor.
I watched him carefully. Once assured that the storm was now over I crouched to his level and kissed him on the top of his head, " They were my parents Sweetie. I'm grieving over them too."
He looked up at me in horror, "River I'm sorry. I didn't even think." A frown pressed into his forehead.
I cupped his chin, " It's ok. Really my love it is. " Taking his hand I pulled him up, " It's been a long day. Perhaps we should go to bed." I watched in amusement as a blush graced his features.
At the end of the day he was still my Doctor under the violent outbursts, and anger. I could live with the damage, because I loved him. Being in love with him was worth the pain. Because without the pain there would be no love. It was a vicious circle.
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