The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is watching TV. And now, because some of you have been crazy enough to request this and I finally got around to it…
Know Your Cobra Commander
"Just when I thought Cobra would finally disappear forever they come back crazier than ever," Roadblock grumbled as he sat down on a couch.
Several of the Joes had just returned from a mission to track down Cobra and were now trying to relax in the recreation room. "So what happened?" Lifeline asked. He had been on base tending to several injured soldiers when the call came out and had to stay behind.
"What always happens," Low Light grunted as he sat down on a chair. "Cobra caused a lot of chaos. We kicked their butts and they ran away screaming."
"You have to admit that the active volcano was an interesting twist," Shipwreck pointed out as he began to play some pool in a corner of the room with Duke.
"Active volcano?" Lifeline asked.
"We think Cobra was trying to get rid of all the mob bosses in Hawaii and take over their operation," Duke explained. "However they completely botched the job."
"And for some reason they were trying to poison the contestants of the beauty pageant that was also going on in the hotel," Beach Head explained as he read a magazine on another couch.
"Why would they…?" Short Fuse asked.
"Who knows? Maybe they were betting on someone to win?" Quick Kick shrugged. "Fortunately they forgot that most beauty pageant contestants eat less than a bird on a diet."
"Most of them already threw up what little food they ate," Beach Head shook his head. "I don't think anyone would have noticed if it hadn't been for those judges all keeling over at the same time."
"Was I the only one who noticed that all the judges were fat and they were judging the weight as well as beauty of all the girls on stage?" Lady Jaye asked as she watched TV with Flint.
"No, you weren't," Beach Head agreed with her.
"They also tried to use poison gas on the mob bosses but the ventilation system in the hotel was too good," Duke explained. "We followed them to their hideout…"
"Which was very easy," Low Light interrupted. "Between the name of the catering truck in neon letters on the side, the trail of destruction Cobra left and the screaming woman it was very easy to track them."
"Apparently they had a poison gas leak," Duke explained. "Birds were dropping from the sky everywhere the truck went."
"Not to mention that woman's screaming could be heard for miles," Lady Jaye said. "That wasn't the Baroness though. Anybody know who she was?"
"Mainframe is running a background check from the few surveillance tapes we managed to salvage," Beach Head said. "But I've never seen her either."
"Long story short we tracked them to their hideout," Flint said. "Unfortunately it just happened to be under a dormant volcano."
"Which thanks to Cobra is no longer dormant," Low Light smirked.
"I'm getting the picture," Lifeline winced. "There weren't any casualties were there?"
"No loss of life but a lot of fancy apartment buildings were burnt up by lava," Low Light laughed. "And here's the kicker. Those apartment buildings were part of a complex that caters to the criminal element. Including some of the mob bosses Cobra tried to kill off."
"Those guys were not happy campers," Quick Kick snickered. "I don't think those snakes are going to be taking any Hawaiian vacations for a long time."
"At least this attack made more sense than the Mime Academy they blew up," Roadblock said. "Or their burning down that vineyard."
"Or destroying the world's biggest ball of twine," Lady Jaye added.
"Or how they ate an entire potato chip museum," Quick Kick laughed. "That one was my personal favorite."
"What the hell have they been doing?" Duke shook his head. "There has to be some sort of plan."
"If I didn't know better I'd say they were just running around causing trouble for the heck of it," Beach Head said.
"They probably are," Shipwreck said. "Unfortunately for us those Snakes are too smart to pull another dumb move and will probably stay under the radar for a while."
Just then the big screen television in the room crackled. An image of Cobra Commander was seen. "Greetings Joes!" Cobra Commander hissed. "I'm ba-ack!"
"You and your big mouth," Beach Head looked at Shipwreck. "You just had to say that didn't you?"
"Don't bother tracing this signal," Cobra Commander waved. "The broadcast signal I'm transmitting is more scrambled than a lumberjack's omelet. I bet you are all wondering what I am doing with my attacks and what my plan is?"
"I'm wondering what it would take to shut this moron up," Low Light grumbled.
"Let's just say that these attacks are part of many, many steps for my plans for world domination," Cobra Commander sneered. "And while I was planning my great master plan for world domination I came across a few transmissions some of you Joes had…"
"Oh no…" Lifeline winced. "I don't like where this is going."
"And your little shows gave me an idea," Cobra Commander went on. "Since I am going to be ruler of the world one day, you should get to know me better. So here it is, a little show called Know Your Cobra Commander! Take it away Mindbender!"
"I wish he would take it away," Roadblock groaned. "Take it far away!"
"It was only a matter of time before this jerk got in on the act," Shipwreck groaned.
"It's not even a good act to get in on!" Low Light said.
"Took him long enough to copy us," Quick Kick spoke up.
"Not long enough," Low Light called out.
"Here I am, Dr. Mindbender your interviewer," Dr. Mindbender sighed.
"To answer the audience's question, I got him because no one else wanted to do it," Cobra Commander said.
"I'm only doing this because I'm bored and he promised to give me some spending money for…" Mindbender stopped for a second. "Prostitutes. Yes. That's what I am going to spend it on. Prostitutes. That's believable…"
"Anyone else it would be," Cobra Commander groaned. "Can we get on with it?"
"Oh sure," Mindbender nodded. "Let's start with something simple. Tell me about your childhood in Cobra La. How about your family?"
"How about not? The less said about my family and early years the better," Cobra Commander waved. "You know that awful mother on Three and A Quarter Men and the woman in the track suit on that teen singing show? My mother was a combination of that with a dash of Attila the Hun thrown in."
"I see," Mindbender coughed.
"And my father…Well I didn't know him very well," Cobra Commander admitted. "Mostly because he was never home. Usually running around with some floozy or whatever. Think Charlie Sheen without the cocaine and you've pretty much got the picture."
"Okay. Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Mindbender asked.
"Not anymore," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Oh what happened to them?" Mindbender asked.
"I come from a society where the oldest surviving child inherits everything and the younger ones get squat. What do you think happened to them?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Here's a clue, the day my old man kicked the bucket I got a lot of stuff."
Cobra Commander looked at the camera. "Oh don't give me that look. It's not like I was the only one doing it! I just happened to be more successful at it than the rest of my family! Take my half-brother Skrell. There was a real genius. Tried to stab me while I was asleep once and ended up stabbing himself. In the head. Twice!"
"Twice?" Mindbender asked.
"Skrell always did have a bad sense of direction," Cobra Commander sighed. "And then there was my older sister Sleena. Tried to poison me once but ended up taking out two of my brothers and three of my cousins and an uncle. And then she made the stupid mistake of eating her own cooking. Shame though. She was one of the few members of my family I actually liked."
"Uh huh," Mindbender blinked.
"Okay to be truthful Sleena wasn't really trying to kill me. She was just a bad cook," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Took after my Aunt Vipra. Between those two it's a miracle I made it out alive after our last family reunion. Actually it was our last family reunion. You know? Between all the food poisoning and the stabbings. Oh and one of my cousins decided to put on a fireworks show without reading the directions. I don't recommend that. Ever."
"Uh huh…" Mindbender nodded.
"And Cobra La fireworks are made from fire breathing lizards and toads," Cobra Commander said. "Very large, very aggressive fire breathing lizards and toads. So you can imagine what happens when they go out of control."
"I think I can," Mindbender nodded.
"Not much of a family was left after that weekend," Cobra Commander said. "But I did inherit a lot of stuff so it wasn't all bad. And most of my family was dead so that was a big plus."
"Let's move on…" Mindbender said.
"Good idea," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"So when did you want to rule the world?" Mindbender asked.
"I was a mere child of six when I realized that I could fix the world's problems so much better than those so called elected officials," Cobra Commander snorted.
"Who told you that? Your mother?" Mindbender asked sarcastically.
"Hey it wasn't often that my mother said nice things to me," Cobra Commander snapped. "But when she did, she made it count! And if she believed I could, then it counted!"
"You're sure she wasn't being sarcastic?" Mindbender asked. His leader hesitated. "Cobra Commander?"
"I was six for crying out loud! How the hell was I supposed to know about sarcasm?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"O-kay…" Mindbender fidgeted.
"She was still right!" Cobra Commander snapped. "My mother was right about a lot of things! She may have been a bitch but she was a perceptive bitch!"
"Let's move on to a different topic," Mindbender decided to change the subject.
"How about moving to a different planet?" Shipwreck called out.
"You know you never really explained much about Cobra La," Mindbender said.
"What's to explain? We're a society very much like yours except that we use organic living things and you don't," Cobra Commander said. "Okay there are a few differences. Like for you global warming is a bad thing. But we at Cobra La are for it!"
"Uh huh," Mindbender blinked.
"It'll certainly take care of the human problem," Cobra La scoffed. "And when you humans are washed away like the dirt you are, we'll rule the Earth again!"
"But you guys live in the Arctic Circle," Mindbender said. "If global warming continues won't your people be out of a home?"
"I didn't say it was a perfect solution to the human problem," Cobra Commander said. "Obviously we'll have to move. Call a couple of real estate agents or something."
"Or something…" Mindbender rolled his eyes. "Right."
"There are plenty of other differences too," Cobra Commander said. "We know how to use birth control for one thing!"
"Isn't your form of birth control having all your children fight and kill each other?" Mindbender asked.
"You know a better way?" Cobra Commander asked. "Hey its survival of the fittest. Fittest and smartest kids survive. Look at me!"
"I am. How did you survive?" Mindbender asked.
Cobra Commander ignored the jibe and went on. "We evolved from snakes and you evolved from monkeys. Actually humans devolved from monkeys. I find most monkeys more intelligent and hygienic compared to humans!"
"He's really pouring on the charm here," Quick Kick said sarcastically.
"I always liked monkeys too," Mindbender said.
"We're talking about me, Mindbender. Get your own show," Cobra Commander snapped. "This brings up another point. I should get my own show!"
"You do have your own show," Mindbender blinked. "Right now."
"Not this Petri Dish Brain!" Cobra Commander snapped. "An actual show on an actual network! Come on! If Anderson Cooper and Katie Couric can have a show, why can't I?"
"Do you want the short answer or the long?" Mindbender quipped.
"I'm intelligent, interesting and can ask mind numbingly stupid questions like the rest of them out there," Cobra Commander said. "Hell they have a football player and a soap opera actress on morning television and they're freaking number one!"
"You do have a point," Mindbender said.
"Of course I have a point!" Cobra Commander snapped. "The majority of talk shows are little more than people telling everyone in the world about their lives and kids! Throw in some actual facts, a few recipes, an animal act or two and an actor plugging their god awful movie and voila! You've got a hit! I can do this!"
"See what you two have done?" Low Light gave Quick Kick and Short Fuse a glare. "Now we gotta listen to this on a regular basis!"
"And gossip! With all the crap that goes on around here I can do gossip!" Cobra Commander said. "Like Destro and his new girlfriend. HA! That will last!"
"Yes Commander…" Mindbender coughed.
"And the hilarious part is that Destro can't see that his new girlfriend is the same emasculating type of shrew his old girlfriend was!" Cobra Commander went on. "Same weird foreign accent. Same bad temper. Same hang-ups about relationships. Same stuck up attitude. The only difference is that Destro traded in a brunette with two bad eyes for a blonde with only one good one!"
"Yes well," Mindbender coughed.
"He didn't exactly get an upgrade I'll tell you that much!" Cobra Commander went on. "If we didn't need her money and her connections so that we won't be homeless I'd walk as far away from that witch as I could!"
"Commander!" Mindbender gasped.
"What? You really think I'd willingly hang around with a carbon copy of the Baroness if she wasn't useful?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even the real Baroness wasn't half as much a headache as the Countess is! At least when she was a dog she was able to keep my employees in line half the time!"
"Let's change the topic again…" Mindbender laughed nervously.
"Not that the real Baroness was that bright to begin with," Cobra Commander said. "Destro cheated on her all the time left and right and it took her nearly two decades to figure it out! And even when she did figure it out, she still stayed with him! It's like she has a weakness for metal headed morons!"
"If that's true then why didn't she date Snake Face?' Shipwreck thought aloud.
"Even the Dreadnoks figured it all out and they're as dumb as a bag of rocks!" Cobra Commander went on.
"Commander!" Mindbender hissed.
"One of the few good things about Cobra losing half of our staff is that I was able to get rid of Zartan, his insane siblings and the moronic Dreadnoks!" Cobra Commander went off. "Okay so technically they ran out on us but still…"
"Commander stop giving away Cobra secrets!" Mindbender blurted out.
"What?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Relax Mindbender we'll fix it in editing."
"There is no editing!" Mindbender hissed as he pointed to the camera.
"Mindbender…" Cobra Commander realized. "Please tell me this is not going out live."
"You kind of insisted on it, Cobra Commander," Mindbender gulped. "Remember?"
"OH NOW YOU DECIDE TO LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY?" Cobra Commander screamed. "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!"
"I'm turning it off," Mindbender reached for the camera and stopped. "That's all the time we have today on Know Your Cobra Commander. Now we know…"
"NEVER TO PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Mindbender pushed some buttons but the video still remained on. "Well that was a waste of time!" Cobra Commander hissed. "Thanks a lot Mindbender!"
"Don't blame me for this!" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not the one gossiping like a fishwife on a live broadcast!"
"Well excuse me for having something interesting to say!" Cobra Commander sneered.
"What was the point of this stupid exercise in vanity anyway?" Mindbender asked.
"You dolt! I explained it to you before," Cobra Commander said. "The make the Joes think we know what we are doing with all the stupid crap we've been through in the past few weeks! I wanted to make sure they didn't think that all the destruction we caused was random and because we didn't have a clue to what we were doing!"
"But it was random and we didn't know what we were doing," Mindbender said.
"But the Joes didn't know that! As long as they think that we're back in the game and not…" Cobra Commander noticed the camera. "Mindbender, doesn't that red light mean we're still transmitting?"
"Uh…I don't think so," Mindbender blinked.
"Ah…Okay," Cobra Commander nodded. "Anyway as I was saying…"
"STOP NAGGING ME WOMAN!" Destro stormed into the room. "God that woman gets on my nerves!"
"Oh really? And you two are so perfect for each other," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "What crap are you two fighting over this time?"
"Interesting choice of words," Destro gave him a look. "What to do with you lot! She wants to shoot you. I want to throw you to the sharks."
"Who did what this time?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Crystal Ball's been rolling around the floor again," Destro said. "This time he made his way into the Countess' personal bathroom. While she was taking a shower."
"I thought I heard screaming earlier," Mindbender said.
"I nearly broke my neck tripping over him and then the Countess nearly strangled me for what happened!" Destro snapped.
"What do you want me to do Destro? It's not like I can kill him again," Cobra Commander said.
"He's not even the worst offender," Destro snapped. "Cobra Commander I am officially telling you to not put your pink polka dot silk boxers in the wash at the same time as our other clothes. You've ruined half the Countess' outfits and some of mine."
"Pink polka dot silk boxers?" Mindbender asked.
"I find them very comfortable!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And I couldn't find any other color in my size. What else is wrong Destro?"
"The Crimson Twins made another mess while practicing their acrobatics," Destro went on.
"I'm sure whatever they broke can be replaced when we get to port," Cobra Commander waved. "Where are we going anyway?"
"We are headed for…" Destro began and then he noticed the camera. "Why is that camera on and who are you transmitting to?"
"THE CAMERA IS STILL ON?" Cobra Commander yelled. "MINDBENDER YOU SAID IT WAS OFF?"
"I thought it was off!" Mindbender said.
"How could you not know the camera was on?" Cobra Commander yelled.
"Well neither did you!" Mindbender said.
"Why is this camera on in the first place?" Destro asked. "Oh God no! Commander don't tell me that you were doing something stupid again! Like sending a message to the Joes!"
"Okay I won't tell you," Cobra Commander quipped. To this Destro responded by screaming and grabbing Cobra Commander by his jacket. "AAAAHH!"
"How could you be so freaking irresponsible?" Destro shouted as he shook Cobra Commander hard. "It's official! You have surpassed the Dreadnoks in stupidity! And that my dear Cobra Commander is a major accomplishment!"
"Well at least we accomplished something today," Mindbender said.
Destro stopped shaking Cobra Commander. Both of them looked at Mindbender. "As soon as I said it I knew that was the wrong thing to say," Mindbender winced.
"Get him!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"For the record, I'm not going to beat up Mindbender because you told me to," Destro gave Cobra Commander a look. "I'm doing it of my own volition."
"Fair enough," Cobra Commander shrugged as Destro let him go.
"Uh oh," Mindbender gulped. He ran off.
"GET BACK HERE MIND BUNGLER!" Cobra Commander screamed as he and Destro ran off camera.
The sounds of more running could be heard off screen. "AAAAAAH!" Mindbender ran by the camera going the other way.
"Come back here and die like a man!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran after him.
Destro started to run by then remembered the camera. "Oh for crying out…" Destro grumbled as he turned the camera off.
The Joes looked at the blank screen in shock. "Well that was weirder than usual," Shipwreck remarked.
"I learned a lot more about Cobra Commander than I ever wanted to," Beach Head winced.
"I can't believe we're still fighting these morons after all these years," Duke moaned.