We all know this karaoke disclaimer: I don't own any GI Joe characters or any songs period. This is more madness following the adventures of Cobra Commander and his not so merry band of idiots. Takes place about a week after the events in The Up or the Shut. So now let's join our semi favorite snakes for their latest misadventure…
One Night In Bangkok
"One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble…" Cobra Commander sang in a raspy voice as he sauntered through the door of a large palatial living room. "Not much between despair and ecstasy!"
"Give it a rest, Cobra Commander," Crystal Ball grumbled. The ghost trapped in an unbreakable crystal ball was not happy. His ball was perched on a stand on a nearby golden table. "You've been singing that stupid song ever since we got here a week ago!"
"It's a catchy song and it's appropriate to our location," Cobra Commander told him. "I like it. Oh Bangkok! Where else can you get a happy ending before you go out on a day on the town?"
"Been spending the Countess' money on brothels again haven't you?" Crystal Ball grumbled.
"Did you really need to use your ghost powers…?" Xamot walked in with his brother.
"To deduce that?" Tomax added. They were both wearing white shirts with grey slacks and nice black shoes.
"They are not ghost powers," Crystal Ball glared at them. "It's called ESP!"
"I don't care what they're called," Cobra Commander sat on a luxurious tan leather couch. "I am having the time of my life! Who knew that Destro's new girlfriend had a hideout in one of the swankiest resorts in the city?"
"Yes and the best part is that I can walk around in my usual attire and no one bats an eye," Mindbender walked in in his uniform.
"Apparently Thailand has a lot of Doctor Triclopso fans as well," Tomax rolled his eyes.
"We saw a dozen people dressed the same way," Xamot said.
"Granted most of them were pimps and prostitutes…" Tomax added.
"Oh who cares?" Cobra Commander waved. "After a relaxing few hours at the spa we took a walk downtown. Downtown Bangkok. Where else can you enjoy some exotic cuisine, see magnificent ancient buildings and a great knife fight for very little money?"
"Still can't believe you actually ate those fried insects," Xamot made a face.
"I'm from Cobra La where almost everything we ate and wore was still alive," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "You really think I didn't eat a few bugs as a kid growing up?"
"We get the picture," Tomax winced.
"Actually compared to some Cobra La specialties, food in Bangkok is pretty tame!" Cobra Commander remarked. "At least those bugs didn't have any mucus on them!"
"Well there goes my appetite for the rest of the day," Mindbender groaned.
"Those fried insects reminded me of my childhood," Cobra Commander sighed. "Tasted just like the fried spike bugs mother had the cooks make."
"Yes Cobra Commander…" Mindbender looked a little green.
"We only had fried spike bugs for holidays and special occasions," Cobra Commander went on. "A lot like your holiday cookies only…you know? They were made of bugs. But we decorated them with frosting and candy too."
"Moving on…" Mindbender tried to change the topic.
"Of course the frosting back home was mostly made of giant spider mucus," Cobra Commander went on. "This was a lot sweeter and had fewer calories than regular frosting."
"You're doing this on purpose now, aren't you?" Crystal Ball glared at him.
"Yes," Cobra Commander admitted. "Let me see the last time I had fried spike bugs before I left Cobra La was the day I graduated from the Science Academy for Nobles. Or was it the day my mother divorced her third husband? Either way there was a lot of celebrating going on."
"I hate it when he's…" Tomax began.
"In one of his nostalgic moods," Xamot finished.
"Still beats being cooped up in this stupid room all day!" Crystal Ball said.
"What are you talking about?" Cobra Commander looked around. "You're on a nice table. There's plenty of art on the walls. I know that's a stolen Rembrandt over there. There's a TV over there. Okay it's not on but other than that why would you want to leave?"
"YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" The Countess, Destro's latest girlfriend screamed from another room.
"YOU HAVEN'T EXACTLY BEEN A GOOD LUCK CHARM TO ME EITHER YOU ONE EYED HARPY!" Destro yelled from that same room.
"Oh…Right," Cobra Commander realized. "Stupid question."
"WHY THE HELL DID I EVER GET INVOLVED WITH A LOSER LIKE YOU?" The Countess shouted back. "ALL MY FRIENDS WARNED ME ABOUT GETTING INVOLVED WITH YOU! WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN?"
"WHAT FRIENDS?" Destro shouted above her. "SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIENDS?"
"I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK!" The Countess shouted.
"OH YES! THAT'S A RELIABLE GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON!" Destro said sarcastically. "WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME MORE SUPPORT FROM THE GENIUSES ON TWITTER?"
"YOU KNOW I DON'T USE TWITTER!" The Countess shouted back.
"OH YES! THERE IS WHERE YOU DRAW THE LINE!" Destro sneered.
"EVEN MY VIRTUAL FRIENDS ARE A LOT MORE SUPPORTIVE THAN YOU AND YOUR REAL LIFE FRIENDS!" The Countess shouted. "AND THEY DON'T SPONGE OFF ME!"
"THEY ARE NOT MY FRIENDS! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU WOMAN?" Destro shouted. "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME!"
"I'LL WALK ANYWHERE I LIKE YOU…" The Countess' voice muffled as they went into another room.
"Imagine being stuck here listening to that twenty four seven," Crystal Ball snapped.
"Complete lack of professionalism!" The Countess snapped as she stormed into the room. She was wearing her usual eye patch, blue uniform and long black leather jacket with black boots. "Those losers should have kicked out days ago!"
"You think I want them here?" Destro shouted as he followed her. "I don't! But if we don't let them stay they will turn us into the authorities! That's how scum like that operates! I wish they were all gone! Especially that annoying ghost!"
"And you wonder why I complain all the time," Crystal Ball snapped.
"What the hell are all of you doing back here? Run out of money again?" The Countess snapped at them. "You know it's almost worth it if only to get you out of here for a few hours! And next time take that with you!" She pointed at Crystal Ball.
"Like you're a prize," Crystal Ball grumbled.
"Do we have to?" Cobra Commander groaned. "He's such a downer. And he creeps out the prostitutes."
"I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine," Crystal Ball said.
"What waistline? You don't have a waist!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I do! You just can't see it…" Crystal Ball looked around. "Well I used to anyway."
"God I hate you all!" The Countess glared at them. "You all just talk and talk and talk and say stupid useless crap that never means anything!"
"Oh yes and every word you say is the Gospel Truth isn't it?" Destro sneered.
"Don't start with me Destro!" The Countess snapped. "Just drop it will you?"
"Not until you tell me who you were on the phone with!" Destro snapped.
"It was just a contact from many years ago," The Countess said.
"And by contact you mean ex-lover?" Destro snapped.
"I am not even going to dignify that with a response!" The Countess snapped.
"Then I have my answer!" Destro snapped. "You frustrate me to no end!"
"Only because she's doing to you what you used to do to the Baroness," Mindbender said. "And first."
"Good one Mindbender," Cobra Commander chuckled. Destro glared at him. "Well you have to admit Mindbender has a point."
"It is rather hypocritical of you…" Xamot began.
"To complain about her past relationships," Tomax added.
"When we all know the disasters you made with yours," Xamot finished.
"You should hear the chatter on the astral plane," Crystal Ball said. "Boy Destro your ancestors are not happy with you!"
"Get the hell out of here! All of you!" Destro took out some money from his wallet and threw it at Cobra Commander. "And take the annoying talking 8 Ball with you!"
"Fine, I wanted to see this new movie anyway," Cobra Commander got off the couch, taking Crystal Ball with him. "I believe the English translation is Naked Love on a Swizzle Stick. Sounds pretty hot."
"Judging from the title it has sex, nudity and drinking," Mindbender said. "What could go wrong?"
"Did you have to say that?" Tomax rolled his eyes.
"Because something always goes wrong," Xamot groaned as they began to leave.
"How are we going to understand the movie? Are there subtitles?" Mindbender asked.
"I have some translation disks built into my helmet," Cobra Commander said. "And I know the twins have something similar you can all share."
"After that do you want to hit the market?" Tomax added.
"I would love to! There are so many lovely knick-knacks I want to check out," Mindbender said.
"I don't care where you go, just go!" Destro yelled.
"Uh see you for dinner at six?" Cobra Commander asked. "The Golden Lotus Blossom in the hotel?"
"FINE! JUST GET OUT OF HERE!" The Countess screamed as she picked up a small vase with flowers and threw it at him.
It missed Cobra Commander and hit the wall. "Boy somebody's got a temper," Cobra Commander grumbled as he left.
"Must be her time of the month," Crystal Ball remarked.
"YES! IT'S THE TIME OF THE MONTH WHERE I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH MORONS!" The Countess screamed after them.
"You know maybe we are starting to wear out our welcome?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"No, you think?" Crystal Ball quipped.
Several hours later…
"Let's just get through dinner," Destro said. He was wearing a tuxedo along with his usual mask.
"Don't touch me!" The Countess snarled. She was wearing a long blue gown with a diamond necklace and earrings.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Destro gritted through his teeth.
"Hello Destro," Xamot grinned. He and Tomax were wearing matching black suits with black ties. They were sitting at a fancy table with Mindbender who was in a purple tuxedo with a cape and Cobra Commander who was wearing his usual uniform.
"Enjoying your honeymoon?" Tomax smirked.
"Do you two ever say a sentence that the other one doesn't complete?" Destro snapped as they arrived at the table. He pulled a chair out for the Countess.
"Don't do me any favors!" The Countess hissed as she took the chair from Destro and sat down herself.
"It's called being polite, Countess," Destro gritted his teeth as he sat down next to her. "You should try it some time."
"Why are you wearing that?" The Countess pointed to Cobra Commander's uniform.
"Because I wasn't in the mood to dine naked," Cobra Commander quipped.
"This restaurant has a dress code! How did you get in here wearing that?" The Countess said.
"I gave the manager a tip," Cobra Commander said. "Don't kick out the guy with the uniform and a laser blaster. He took it."
"You're just lucky Mindbender is wearing a shirt," Tomax snickered.
"Even though it looks like something Beau Brummel threw up," Xamot added.
"Purple is my signature color okay?" Mindbender said. "It brings out my eyes! Let's just have a nice meal? Okay?"
"Especially after that stupid movie we watched for the past two and a half hours," Cobra Commander. "Two and a half hours I will never get back!"
"Who are you kidding? You would just waste them," Mindbender quipped.
"I take it the movie was not the cinematic masterpiece that was promised," Destro quipped.
"You mistranslated the title didn't you?" The Countess asked.
"No, the title was correctly translated," Cobra Commander said. "It was the movie that was mistitled."
"Instead of Naked Love on a Swizzle Stick…" Tomax began.
"It should have been titled Boring Retired Traditional Thai Dancers Talk About Their Gall Bladders…" Xamot said.
"And Dance Rather Badly While Being Drunk In A Hospital," Tomax added.
"I thought it was rather fascinating," Mindbender said. "The cinematography was excellent."
"You know when people pay attention to the cinematography in movies? When there's nothing else good about it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You just don't understand foreign films," Mindbender sniffed.
"I understand crap when I see it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh let's just forget about it and eat already!" Tomax snapped.
"I second the motion," Xamot grabbed the menu.
"I am definitely going to have the drunken noodles with lobster and caviar," Cobra Commander said.
"No surprise on why you picked that dish," Destro grumbled.
"It's also the most expensive!" The Countess bristled.
"Relax Destro and Countess," Cobra Commander waved. "This meal is on me. It is my treat. As a thank you for all that you have done for us."
"You're paying for dinner?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "You never pay for dinner!"
"I have so paid for dinner on occasion," Cobra Commander huffed.
"That's true," Tomax said. "In all the years we have known him he has only paid or prepared dinner for us three times."
"Two of them he paid with money stolen out of someone else's wallet," Xamot remarked.
"What about the third time?" The Countess asked.
"Don't ask!" Destro groaned. "For the love of God you don't want to know!"
"Don't tell me what I want to know or not!" The Countess bristled.
"Actually Countess you really don't want to know what happened," Mindbender groaned. "At least an hour after you eat."
"Let's just say whenever Cobra Commander offers to cook you a meal…" Xamot began.
"Don't accept," Tomax gave Cobra Commander a look.
"As our former emperor found out the hard way," Mindbender sighed.
"Well this time I am actually paying with my own money," Cobra Commander pulled out a wallet filled with foreign money.
"Where did you get that money?" Mindbender asked.
"Oh I sold Crystal Ball on the black market this afternoon," Cobra Commander said as he put the wallet back. "And for a lot more than you would think!"
"You sold him?" Mindbender was stunned.
"For a boat load of money!" Cobra Commander said. "Apparently there is a real big market for actual ghosts in crystal balls. They're like collectables in some kind of sorcerer society."
"I wondered where he was," Xamot said to his brother.
"So you sold the one member that was actually useful in your group for money?" The Countess was stunned.
"And an I Phone!" Cobra Commander held it up. "I'm having trouble figuring out the maps but other than that this thing is really good."
"Unbelievable," Destro shook his head.
"I know! This thing even has Angry Birds programmed into it! What a deal!" Cobra Commander played around with his phone.
"How the hell could you sell Crystal Ball?" The Countess snapped.
"What do you care?" Destro snapped. "It's one less freeloader sponging off of us!"
"He was the only one that wasn't costing us any money!" The Countess snarled.
"I dunno," Mindbender said. "That crystal polish I've been using on him cost a pretty penny." Destro and the Countess glared at him. "I know. I know. Shut up Mindbender."
"Plus what if he gets into the wrong hands and tells people where we are?" The Countess asked.
"When was the last time you saw a ghost in a police station?" Cobra Commander scoffed. "Trust me, no cop is going to find him wherever he's going!"
"And even if they did I don't think his testimony will hold up in court," Mindbender agreed. "Hey since we now have a vacancy for a sidekick…"
"No, you can not have a drug dealing monkey!" Cobra Commander snapped. "If I wanted a filthy animal hanging around here I would have kept one of the Dreadnoks!"
"But they are so handy!" Mindbender said.
"So is a laser blaster and if you don't want me to demonstrate its usefulness…" Cobra Commander hissed.
"What are you all doing here?"
"Oh no…" Destro winced. "No…It can't be. Not her. Anybody but…"
"Well isn't this a nice slice of hell that's been shoved at us," A man in a white tuxedo and a mask that looked almost exactly like Destro's only golden walked up to them. He spoke with an Irish accent. On his arm in a long black gown was the Baroness.
"Baroness?" Destro's jaw dropped.
"Destro?" The Baroness glared at him.
"Krel?" The Countess was stunned.
"Countess?" Krel was also stunned.
"Krel?" Destro glared at Krel.
"Destro…" Krel blinked.
"Baroness?" The Countess was close to shrieking.
"Brad! Rocky! Janet!" Mindbender quipped as he sipped his wine.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned. He turned to a waiter walking by. "Waiter! One Bangkok Cooler! Extra cold!" The waiter ran off.
"What the hell are you doing here?" The Baroness snapped.
"Me? What the hell are you doing here?" Destro snapped back. He pointed to her date. "And what are you doing with him?"
"You're dating my ex?" The Countess bristled. "You are dating my Commander Krel?"
"Waiter! Make it a damn pitcher of Bangkok Coolers!" Cobra Commander yelled out.
"First of all my name is not Commander Krel anymore," The Baroness's new beau sniffed. "I changed it for legal reasons back to my birth name. Lord Damien Rescindar!"
"Re-sin-dar?" Tomax stressed the name slowly. "The Baroness is dating someone named Rescindar…"
"And she used to date Destro," Xamot blinked. "Who is now dating…"
"The Countess," Tomax added. "Who used to date the newly named Rescindar?"
"O-kay," The Twins looked at each other.
"Don't be so impressed," The Countess sneered. "He changes his name more often than he changes his underwear!"
"Shows what you know," Rescindar sniffed. "I haven't been wearing underwear lately."
"Too much information here," Xamot winced.
"You're dating her?" The Countess pointed to the Baroness. "When did this happen? What happened to the bimbo you left me for?"
"The more accurate question is what happened to the woman who consoled me when you ran out on me?" Rescindar snapped.
"Did you dump her or did your credit card run out again?" The Countess sneered.
"If he didn't have any money do you think I would be with him?" The Baroness gave her a look.
"So she dumped you?" The Countess sneered.
"No, she didn't!" Rescindar snapped. "She's dead! So choke on that bone, bitch!"
"Heh, heh, heh…" Cobra Commander chuckled. "Bone. Bitch. Still funny…"
The Baroness gave a death glare to Cobra Commander. "I just happened to meet Rescindar during a…shall we say an acquisition gone slightly wrong."
"During the shootout with the security guards we managed to have a conversation and found out that we had plenty in common," The Baroness said.
"I'll bet you did," Tomax scoffed.
"Unfortunately during the getaway poor Bambi sacrificed herself in order for us to get away," Rescindar said.
"Bambi?" Destro blinked.
"The bimbo he left me for," The Countess said.
"Thanks for clearing that up," Destro said sarcastically.
"I can't believe that bimbo would sacrifice anything except a decent meal for anyone!" The Countess was clearly upset.
"Sacrificed herself, got shoved into the path of gunfire. What's the difference?" The Baroness shrugged.
"Nice to see you are creating mayhem and chaos everywhere you go Baroness," Mindbender chuckled.
"This from the man who let Eddie out of the lab?" The Baroness glared at him.
"You know about that?" Mindbender frowned.
"When a giant blob attacks a town, everyone knows about it!" The Baroness said.
"Well it was nice catching up with you Baroness," Destro coughed. "We won't keep you and your…date. So…"
"Oh in that case why don't you join us Baroness," The Countess gave the Baroness a challenging look.
"With pleasure Countess," The Baroness challenged back.
"Uh honey, maybe we should let these people…?" Rescindar began.
"Sit down," The Baroness snapped.
"Okay," Rescindar grabbed a chair and sat next to Tomax on the other side of the table. The Baroness sat next to him on the other side of Destro.
The waiter returned with a huge pitcher of colorful alcohol. "Another pitcher," Cobra Commander groaned. "And keep them coming!" He grabbed the pitcher and activated the straw in his helmet.
"So what is new with you Destro besides the obvious?" The Baroness's words were slightly chilled.
"Oh uh, nothing much," Destro said. "Just enjoying myself with my new ladylove. You?"
"Fine. Just fine. Rescindar is quite the man," The Baroness glared at him.
"Oh I just bet he is," The Countess gritted her teeth. "So what have you been doing Baroness?"
"Besides Rescindar of course," Cobra Commander quipped as he took another drink.
"It's going to be one of those nights again…" Mindbender moaned.
"Oh Rescindar has been showing me all sorts of places and seeing the sights," The Baroness purred as she put her arm around Rescindar.
"Really? I would think the only sights you would see Baroness would be the ceilings in hotel rooms," Cobra Commander quipped.
"Definitely going to be…" Xamot moaned.
"One of those nights," Tomax grumbled.
"Oh no. We've been quite busy with…many different kinds of activities," The Baroness smirked. "I'm sure you know Countess how active Rescindar is."
"He used to do a lot of running around if that is what you call it," The Countess glared at Rescindar. Then she put on a fake smile. "Destro here is a bit of the opposite. Quite the homebody."
"Really? Since when?" The Baroness scoffed.
"Since he found a reason to stay home," The Countess drove her words in. "No matter how much I beg him to go out and have fun he just refuses to leave my side."
"I wouldn't think Destro would get out much with you around," The Baroness smirked. "Too bad he is missing so much the city has to offer."
"What do you mean? You see one crowded polluted stinking town…" Destro snarled.
"Uh waiter, just bring us all everything on the menu," Tomax coughed when the waiter arrived with another pitcher.
"Including whatever else you have at the bar!" Xamot groaned. The waiter nodded and fled. Xamot quickly began to pour drinks for his brother and Mindbender into their water glasses.
"Oh this definitely beats that stupid movie," Cobra Commander chuckled as he kept drinking from the pitcher.
"I'm sorry but this is a bit odd," The Countess chuckled. "I just can't picture you with my ex."
"Yes, you are not exactly the type of woman I expected to be with my ex either," The Baroness glared at her.
"They really don't see it do they?" Xamot whispered to the other Cobras.
"Even the names are the same!" Tomax agreed.
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Remind me to get you a thesaurus for Christmas," Mindbender rolled his eyes.
"No need. I have one in my new phone," Cobra Commander went back to playing around with it. "Rescind…Oh I get it now!"
The two couples ignored the others. "It's just odd that Destro would go for a woman…That is so different than I am," The Baroness purred.
"I believe that was the idea," Destro gave her a look. "If I wanted a woman like you, I would have kept you!"
"Instead he got the next best thing," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Yeah you've moved on, Destro!"
"You're damn right I've moved on!" Destro didn't pay attention to the meaning behind Cobra Commander's words. "I've moved on to a woman that is better than you!"
"And I have moved on as well from you, you golden metal headed moron!" The Countess sneered.
"Yeah well the Baroness and I have moved on together!" Rescindar sniffed. "Our love is completely different from the nagging, emasculating scream fest that was our relationship!"
"Oh god you four crack me up!" Cobra Commander laughed as he pounded the table in glee.
"Don't tell them!" Mindbender hissed under his breath.
"What did you say, Mindbender?" The Baroness glared.
"I said don't interrupt them," Mindbender covered quickly. "You know how rude the Commander can get when he drinks!"
"As opposed to his normal charming self?" The Baroness growled.
"That I do agree on," Countess glared. "Now I know why you left!"
"And knowing is a good reason to update your resume," The Baroness groaned.
"Hey look! That guy has a monkey!" Mindbender pointed to another table. "Why can't I get a monkey?"
"Why the hell do you want a monkey?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Since when is it your life's ambition to have a monkey?"
"Since you sold Crystal Ball. Now I have no one to talk to when I get lonely," Mindbender shrugged.
"Why is he allowed to bring a monkey in here?" Xamot asked.
"Must be a crime lord," Tomax shrugged. "Who else would bring a monkey into a restaurant?"
"I miss my experiments okay?" Mindbender shouted.
"I don't," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Neither do I," The Baroness folded her arms.
"None of us do," Destro said. "Okay maybe the one with the tentacles from that Christmas party but other than that one…"
"What Christmas party?" The Countess asked.
"You don't want to know," The Baroness took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose.
"You are not getting a monkey," Cobra Commander said.
"Fine, when I get lonely I'll just hang out with you!" Mindbender said.
"On the other hand it couldn't hurt for you to have some kind of pet," Cobra Commander remarked. "A turtle maybe?"
"You would think people would complain about health code violations," Xamot mused.
"Will you forget about the stupid monkey?" The Baroness snapped. "Do I even want to know where the Dreadnoks are?"
"Not with us," Mindbender said. "Not anymore."
"They left us weeks ago," Tomax explained.
"Good riddance to bad rubbish," The Baroness put her glasses back on.
"Speaking of rubbish…" The Countess sneered.
"Oh this is going to be one of those nights," Rescindar moaned.
Destro glared at Cobra Commander who was laughing again. "You're just enjoying my misery aren't you?"
"Of course I am! It's a show with everything but Yul Brynner," Cobra Commander quipped. He looked at Mindbender. "Oh wait, we have a bald guy. Never mind."
"Oh look…" Xamot said as the waiter returned with a huge tray of alcoholic drinks and bottles.
"The drinks are here," Tomax grabbed another drink and drank it down.
"I'm sorry I just can't understand what either my ex or Destro sees in you," The Countess sniffed haughtily, emphasizing her European accent.
"Besides the fact that she has a pretty hot body and a halfway decent pair of breasts?" Cobra Commander snorted. Destro and Rescindar glared at him. "Oh like nobody else has thought that?"
"Would you like another casket of alcohol Cobra Commander?" The Baroness' tone was chilly.
"You aren't exactly one to criticize other people's drinking Baroness," Destro gave her a look.
"Ah yes, drinking problems do put stress on one's relationships don't they?" The Countess smirked.
"You would know," Rescindar gave her a look. "You were soused out of your mind half the time I've known you! And I have known you for decades!"
"Ha!" The Baroness snorted.
"Don't laugh at me you stuck up harpy!" The Countess snarled.
"Who do you think you are Countess?" The Baroness sneered.
"I am the Countess! And you Baroness should remember your place," The Countess sneered back.
"Ha! Everyone knows a Baroness is of higher rank than a countess! Countess!" The Baroness scoffed. "So perhaps you should know your place?"
"Mindbender, more drinks!" Cobra Commander ordered as he finished his pitcher. Mindbender handed him another alcoholic beverage.
"This is gonna get ugly," Mindbender winced as he took a drink for himself.
"You mean uglier," Cobra Commander corrected with a whisper.
"I did a background check! You're not even a real Baroness anymore!" The Countess sneered. "Hell the country your family was part of doesn't exist anymore!"
"At least I was born with royal blood!" The Baroness snapped. "I didn't buy my title in a catalogue!"
"That is a complete and total lie!" The Countess sneered.
"Where exactly are you a countess from, Countess?" Cobra Commander asked. "I mean I know all about the Baroness's background but I know very little of yours."
"Stay out of it," Destro whispered as loud as he could. "Stay out of it!"
"I just want to know!" Cobra Commander remarked. "Besides the Baroness is right. A baroness is a higher rank than a countess."
"SHUT UP! DIDN'T DESTRO TELL YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS?" The Countess snarled.
"You made it up didn't you?" Cobra Commander asked. He barely dodged a thrown glass from the Countess. "Whoa…You certainly don't throw like the Baroness! That missed me! Oh that means I get to take another drink!" And he did.
"Should he be drinking that much?" Rescindar asked.
"He'll be fine," The Baroness waved. "If we're lucky he'll just pass out soon."
"Let's just say his species has a very high tolerance for alcohol," Mindbender remarked.
"Yeah but it takes a while for it to kick in," Cobra Commander said. "Which means I gotta put up with these two harpies bickering for a bit longer."
"I think it's already starting to work Cobra Commander," Rescindar winced. "Because there is no way you would say that sentence while being sober!"
"Actually he would," Destro told him. "It's hard to tell at this stage."
"Yes like anyone with no royal blood thinks that it would be easy to pass for royalty when all you have to do is make up a phony accent," The Baroness sneered.
"Have you listened to yourself lately you phony…" The Countess shouted. "Blaaahhhh braaaaa blaaaaaahhhhh!"
"Oh good…" Cobra Commander started to slur his words. "The alcohol is starting to kick in."
From then on things started to get blurry. Cobra Commander could hear the sounds but it became hard to make out the words.
"Blah, Blah, blah!" The Baroness seemed to say. "Blah blah…afraid of comittment…Blah!"
"Blah! BLAH!" Destro yelled. "BLAH! Scheming Shrew! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!"
"BLAH! BLAH BLAH!" The Countess got in the Baroness's face.
"BLAH BLAH BLAH!" The Baroness shouted back.
"Blah, blah…" Destro tried to say something.
"BLAH!" The Countess shouted at him.
"Co-blah Command-blah?" Mindbender's face seemed to float in front of him. He waved his hand in front of the Commander's face. "Blah? Blah, blah…"
"Blah, blah…" Tomax said.
"Blah blah," Xamot shrugged.
While the Baroness and Countess started screaming at each other in Blah-ese Cobra Commander took this time to look around the room. Everything seemed unreal. Sitting at tables all around him were strange characters. People with giant heads and distorted faces.
"Guess I shouldn't have taken those pills before dinner," Cobra Commander grumbled. "That's the last time I buy anti gas pills on the black market."
"Cheee?" There was a Capuchin monkey wearing a little blue and red outfit sitting on the table in front of him.
"Hey monkey," Cobra Commander waved. "Mindbender was looking for you."
"Blah?" Mindbender spoke to him.
"Yeah blah, blah, blah…" Cobra Commander waved. He looked around the room. The tables seemed to be floating in midair. "Okay why didn't we get one of those tables?"
"BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!" The Countess and the Baroness were screaming.
The restaurant manager ran up to them. "Blah…Blah…"
"BLAH!" Both women gave him right hook when he tried to intervene.
"Bl-lllllllllllllllllllllllll-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh…" The man fell through the air in slow motion before landing on a table.
"Ha, ha, ha!" Cobra Commander laughed. "Good show! Good show!"
"Blah, blah, blah blah!" A Taiwanese man in a uniform stormed up to the table. He was now arguing with the Baroness and the Countess.
Cobra Commander turned his attention back to his new phone. "WHEEEEEEEEEE!" He chirped along with the Angry Birds. "Whoopie! Get those pigs!"
Cobra Commander looked up but to his shock the man's face had completely changed. It looked exactly like a green pig from the Angry Birds game. "Blah blah blah!" The Pig Man pointed at Cobra Commander. He then grabbed the phone.
"HEY! Hands off you stupid pig!" Cobra Commander held on. "This is mine!"
"Blah! Blah!" The Pig Man tried to take the phone away from him.
"Oh you just want to grab whatever's not yours do you? No wonder those birds hate you! And you know what? They're right! You deserve to have your houses wrecked!" Cobra Commander shrieked.
"BLAH!" The Pig Man yelled.
"Oh yeah! Take this!" Cobra Commander grabbed a bottle and smashed it over the Pig Man's head.
That was when things started to get weird. Everything seemed to move in blurry slow motion. "BLAH!" The Countess yelled as she pulled out a weapon that had been attached to her leg. It was obviously hidden by the dress.
Suddenly everything froze all around Cobra Commander. He turned around. "Oh crap. Am I having one of those episodes again where time freezes randomly? That's annoying."
He got up and started to walk around, casually ducking stray bullets that seemed to be hanging in midair. "Where did those bullets come from?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Oh well…Bartender! More drinks!"
"Never mind…" He picked a drink glass off a table. He used the straw inside his helmet to drink it. "Not bad. Could be better."
Cobra Commander turned around and saw two giant spiked green lizard men sitting at the bar. They were waving to him. "Hey guys…" Cobra Commander waved. "Haven't seen you since I left Las Vegas!"
"Blah!" One of the lizards pointed behind Cobra Commander.
"What?" Cobra Commander looked and saw a fist coming at him in slow motion. He calmly sidestepped it. It was attached to a big thug of a man. He casually picked up an empty chair and hit the man on the head. The man fell to the ground in slow motion.
"Thanks guys!" Cobra Commander waved to the lizard men. "That was a close one."
"Blah…" The Lizard men both held a scaled thumbs up.
"Hey you should call me sometime," Cobra Commander said. "We'll hang out."
Cobra Commander turned and saw someone coming at him in slow motion. And whoever he was he didn't look happy. "Whoopsie!" He casually slid to the side and stuck out his foot. It amused him to see people falling in slow motion.
"Oh I'm in the zone now!" Cobra Commander whooped as he casually dodged several people who seemed to want to hit him. "Hotcha!"
Something caught his attention. "Is that a cake made of fire?" Cobra Commander looked at it. "It's rather pretty."
Somehow the cake seemed to slowly fly in midair. Cobra Commander grabbed a bottle and said aloud. "I wonder if I can hit the fire cake with this bottle."
He gave it a try and it exploded on contact. "WHOA!" Cobra Commander yelled.
Suddenly he felt as if he was being dragged backwards rather quickly. "This is the point where everything speeds up!" Cobra Commander moaned as everything seemed to be covered in fire in an instant.
He felt as if he was flying backwards. "Wheee! I'm flying! I'm lighter than air!" Cobra Commander laughed like crazy.
"If only!" Tomax was heard yelling.
"You need to go on a diet Cobra Commander!" Xamot shouted. They were dragging the Commander out of the fire covered restaurant.
"Yes! That will teach you pigs to steal from the birds!" Cobra Commander laughed as he saw people with green pig faces run out of the restaurant in terror.
Before he knew it he was standing outside. "How the hell did I get outside?" He looked around. "Ooh the building has nice glowy lights. Almost looks like it's on fire."
"Commander we have to get out of here!" Tomax was heard yelling.
"Oh right! Cobra retreat! Re-," Cobra Commander turned around. And promptly ran smack dab into a pole. "Treat…" He fell backwards.
That was when he blacked out.
The next thing he knew he was lying on his back on something soft but narrow. "I think he's waking up," He heard Xamot said.
"I told you he wasn't dead," Tomax said. "You owe me a coke."
"It is hard to tell with that mask on," Xamot said.
"What happened?" Cobra Commander's head was spinning. He realized he was lying on a couch of some kind. "Where am I?"
"On board the Countess' yacht slash sub," Xamot said. "We had to make a hasty departure."
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander sat up. "We got drunk again didn't we?"
"No, just you," Tomax sighed. He had changed back into his Cobra uniform along with his brother.
"Okay I remember the Baroness and the Countess going at it in the restaurant," Cobra Commander retraced his steps. "And some guy from another table not being happy."
"That some guy turned out to be the chief of police," Xamot told him. "It was his birthday."
"That explains the fire cake," Cobra Commander remembered. "Oh yeah…Somebody threw the cake and the whole restaurant caught on fire right?"
"Yes, you threw the cake and threw some alcohol on it and the restaurant caught on fire!" Destro glared as he stormed in wearing his regular uniform.
"On the other hand it was a good cover for our getaway after the Baroness and the Countess was shot up the place," Rescindar groaned as he followed. He was wearing a red and black uniform as well as his gold helmet.
"Then things got a little out of hand," Xamot told him.
"By little out of hand you mean…?" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Complete and total chaos," Tomax said.
"Just give me a list of the charges," Cobra Commander put his head in his hands.
"Sixteen cases of arson…" Tomax began.
"We burned down an entire street as well as the restaurant and hotel," Destro snapped.
"It really was a hot time in the old town last night," Rescindar nodded.
"Five cases of assault," Xamot added.
"Ten cases of assault with a deadly weapon," Tomax added. "Theft…"
"How much did we get?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Not much," Tomax said. "It was your I Phone. Turns out it had been stolen from the police chief's brother in law."
"Oh right…I thought that guy was a little grabby with my phone," Cobra Commander realized.
"Not to mention some alcohol and…" Xamot began.
"That's not important right now," Destro said. "Just get on with it."
"A charge of rickshaw-jacking," Xamot added.
"Rickshaw-jacking?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"Like carjacking only with a rickshaw," Destro explained.
"Public urination on a public landmark," Tomax added.
"Don't tell me who or where," Cobra Commander groaned. "I think I'll wait for the internet news to find out that one!"
"Seven homicides," Xamot added.
"I guess it's too much to hope for that one of ours got killed huh?" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"No, mostly waiters and a few restaurant patrons," Destro shook his head.
"Waiters? Wait, we didn't shoot the guy that was bringing us booze did we?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Just grazed his leg," Destro said.
"That's not so bad," Cobra Commander let out a breath of relief. "You know what? Never mind. I don't want to know anything else. As far as I'm concerned I'm going to pretend that whole incident was just a bad dream."
Just then the little Capuchin monkey ran in. It climbed onto Cobra Commander and sat on his head. "Good luck with that," Destro remarked.
"Oh crap! I was hoping this thing was a drunken delusion!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Get this stupid simian off of me!"
"Come on Mr. Peepers!" Mindbender walked in wearing his usual uniform. "Come to Daddy! Come to Daddy!" The monkey jumped off Cobra Commander's head and ran to Mindbender. "Good Mr. Peepers! Good boy!"
"You stole that other guy's monkey didn't you?" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Technically not," Mindbender corrected as the monkey leapt on his shoulder. "It was more like acquired after his untimely death."
"Fifteen attempted homicides," Tomax added. "Reckless driving…"
"Stop! I get the picture!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Let me guess. We're short one hideout and up one monkey?"
"You're right about the hideout part," Destro sighed. "Wrong about the monkey."
"What do you mean? Don't tell me Mindbender brought more of those things on board!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"No, worse," Tomax said.
"What could be worse than a barrel of monkeys?" Cobra Commander asked.
"And another thing!" The Baroness' voice was heard. "You owe me money for my dress!"
"I owe you money for your dress? You're the one who ruined mine!" The Countess yelled back.
"Oh crap…" Cobra Commander put his head into his hands. "Next time Mindbender get the monkeys instead."
"That is it! You are off this boat! Even if I have to throw you into the ocean!" The Countess shouted as she stormed into the room with the Baroness. Both were wearing their usual uniforms.
"You do and I will go and tell the authorities everything I know about you!" The Baroness snapped.
"What authorities?" The Countess sneered.
"Whatever authorities I can find!" The Baroness snapped. "And I know the coordinates of your other hideout in Australia so you know if we can't stay there no one will!"
"How do you…?" The Countess glared at the Baroness. Then she glared at Rescindar. "YOU MORON!"
"It was pillow talk," Rescindar protested. "We were just talking."
"Way too much information," Destro grumbled.
"How long is it going to take by ship to get to your hideout in Australia?" Cobra Commander asked.
"At full speed? Two and a half days," Rescindar sighed. "Two and a half very long days…"
"You fake gold digging bimbo!" The Countess sneered.
"I'm fake? This from an Elle Driver look alike with a bad foreign accent?" The Baroness snapped.
"Welcome to Hell…" Destro moaned.
"I've been here before," Rescindar moaned. "Many, many times before."
"You ungrateful…." The Countess snarled.
"Bring it on you one eyed monkey!" The Baroness snarled.
"That's very hurtful Baroness!" Mindbender petted Mr. Peepers. "Come Mr. Peepers, this is a bad environment for you to be in!" He left the room.
"It's not exactly healthy…" Xamot called out.
"For the rest of us either!" Tomax added.
"Die you witch!" The Countess attacked the Baroness. "You deserve to suffer!"
"For what? Being smart enough to leave Destro or being able to satisfy your former lover better than you ever could?" The Baroness cackled as she fought back.
"YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!" The Countess yelled as they fought. "I'm going to shatter those stupid glasses into pieces!"
"How would you like to lose your other eye?" The Baroness shouted as she gave the Countess a swift kick in the leg.
"You want to get a drink?" Rescindar asked Destro.
"I thought you'd never ask," Destro sighed.
"Oh this is going to be Christmas on a stick around here!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Now where is that stick so I can beat myself unconscious?"