Emptiness. That's the only thing that comes to my mind when I think about it. It's like in the story book of my life, there had been all sorts of scribbles and drawings and words until you come to that one fateful page. The page where everything suddenly ceased to exist. Sure, I shed a few tears, punched a few walls, threw a few things. That was mostly after the accident. Now I just feel...well, empty. All emotions were thrown out the window long ago. My days are filled with meaningless routines, meaningless small talk with meaningless people, meaningless everything. Life is monotonous, boring, insignificant without her.
The guidance counselor told me to write down my feelings in this notebook. Hah. What a joke. I don't even have feelings. The Eagle must have been off his rocker when he decided I needed sessions with the counselor. What did I do to him, anyway? I've been good. Yeah, so that one time I bought some more strawberry wine to bury in that exact same spot I laid under the stars with her before…it. But is that the type of action a rebellious, troubled teenager would take? I think not. Whatever. Clearly he's nuts.
So now I'm sitting here, staring at this blank page. The Colonel says I should just burn this damn book. Which doesn't sound half bad to me. But then his next piece of advice is to go out with him, get drunk off our asses, and find some hot girls to fuck around with. I just don't get how he's so nonchalant about all this! I mean, I guess it's not like he loved her or anything. Like I did. At least I think I remember it being love. Not that I'd know what it's like to feel things anymore. But anyway, sure, it's been almost half a year. But now it's like everyone at school has just completely moved on, removed every trace of her. They don't even mention her name anymore. It's creepy, I tell you! Like she was never even here. But I know she was. The occasional time I feel any emotion, I feel aches and sharp pains. Because of her. Because of the scarring she left on me. She'll always be a part of this school and me.
Looking back at this page, I think I kind of kid everyone, myself included, into thinking I don't feel anything. Hell, this whole thing looks like a goddamn drama-ridden soap opera. I miss her so much. The words don't even come to mind to describe how much I miss her. I think next time I write in this, I will write it as a letter to her. Just in case there's some sort of afterlife thing where she can read it or something. Right now, if she were reading that, she would say "Pudge, didn't I always tell you life after death was bullshit?" But that's okay. Part of me just wants to believe I'll see her again.
So here it is, Alaska. You were my best friend. The only girl I loved. You were a huge part of me. And then you just left! How selfish. I don't even know how to fill the gaping hole. God, I sound like a preteen girl. I think it's time for me to quit writing.