Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Drink

A Merlin and Doctor Who Fan-Fiction Crossover by Emachinescat

SUMMARY: Tag to "Arthur's Bane Pt 1." Gwaine wakes up to find an unusual creature hovering over him, but soon discovers that it's at as much of a loss and he is about what's going on. And then the blue box appears, and everything goes mad. Crack. 5x01

A/N: So… first off: That episode of Merlin. O.o Wow! Absolutely amazing, with some beautiful bromance that I cannot wait to expand upon! But first… after seeing that weird thing that was going for Gwaine, I simply had to write this. I have no idea what in the world that thing was. I mean, I've never seen anything quite like it…it threw me off and I was like… what the heck? What is this thing? Must…explain…it… in the stupidest way possible! :) I will seriously write some real tags soon, but I had to get this out first. It was just… right. Contains crack and obliteration of the Fourth Wall. (For anyone who doesn't know, breaking the Fourth Wall is when a character acknowledges itself as a character, or makes a reference to being in a show, movie, etc.) Enjoy!

Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Drink

The creature crouched over the wounded man, its elongated body giving off an eerie, ethereal light. Its eyes were curious as it watched the immobile form of the knight and its fingers hovered hesitantly over his prone body. Something wasn't right about this, although the creature couldn't quite put its long, creepy finger on it.

Suddenly, the man's eyes opened and the creature cocked its head, surprised. "What… what happened?" said the shirtless knight, bringing a hand to his head. He caught sight of his new companion and gave a rather un-knightly yelp. "What the hell are you!?" he gasped, trying to jerk away from the strange apparition.

The thing spoke, its voice high and raspy. "Doc…tor?"

Gwaine cocked an eyebrow, revolted by this utterly unnatural being, but also fascinated. It didn't seem too interested in attacking him; it was more curious than anything. And it was asking for a doctor? Gwaine shook his head, trying to clear it, and hissed. Maybe it was asking him if he needed a doctor. In which case, the answer would more than likely be yes. He hurt all over.

Still, he had to figure out what this thing was and what it was doing hovering over him all sinister-like. "Doctor?" he repeated slowly, wincing as he propped himself up on his elbows. "Do you need a doctor, you strange little… fellow? Lady? Uh…"

The thing blinked. "Doctor? You are… Doctor?"

Gwaine snorted. "I'm no physician, sorry. You don't know one, though, do you, because I think I've got some broken ribs…"


Gwaine started, shocked to hear the sinister gargling voice of the creature take a frustrated turn. "Uh… what did you say?"

"If you aren't the Doctor, then this means I'm in the wrong place. I'm supposed to be in Doctor Who, not… what is this place? Merlin? Wow, I'm way off course."

"Wait… what? You're not some creepy, magical creature that lurks beneath the earth, ready to kill the surface dwellers? Because, I'm not gonna lie, mate, that's what I thought you were."

"No, no, no, no," said the thing. "I'm not supposed to be in Merlin at all. I got lost, apparently. I'm an Ultamaxtri."

Gwaine stared. "Is that… a Saxon clan?"

The "Ultamaxtri" shook its abnormally shaped head. "No, it's a race. See, I'm supposed to be chasing the Doctor through the mines of Ultamaxtria – my home planet – because he released some giant evil by accidentally breaking one of our ancient relics." Gwaine blinked. "Never mind. Point is, I've had a bit of a drink, and now I'm in the wrong place, about three million years behind the time I should be in, and the Doctor is nowhere to be found."

"Ah," said Gwaine knowingly. "I completely understand. I may be no doctor, but I can tell you that you have a very severe case of what I like to call Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Drink. I've got it right now, too, actually."

The alien sank down onto its narrow backside, still glowing strangely, its creepy fingers knit together in worry. "I guess we're both stuck here, aren't we? You, in a strange, dangerous place surrounded by enemies, and I in the wrong series. Funny old world, isn't it?"

"Mmm," said Gwaine slowly.

Suddenly, a strange, wheezing sound filled the stuffy air and the alien got to its feet. "Is it?" it asked. "It is!" it answered, smiling grotesquely as a blue box materialized in the cavern. "This has got to be him!"

Gwaine stared, absolutely shocked. The door to the blue box swung open, and a strange looking man wearing even stranger clothes – a neckpiece in the shape of a bow – leaped out. "There you are!" said the brown-haired man, striding over to stand face-to-face with the alien. "I've been looking everywhere for you! You can't just go walking willy-nilly into any fandom you like, you know. It's against the rules."


"Oh, don't go all crazed and creepy on me just yet," said the Doctor, "because I haven't even broken your relic yet."

"You… will…"

"Yeah. Once you're back where you belong. Oh, hello!" The odd man noticed Gwaine half-lying, half-sitting on the ground and beamed. "I'm the Doctor. Terribly sorry about the confusion. Ultamaxtris have a terrible sense of direction, especially after a couple of drinks. We won't be in your hair much longer – by the way, your hair is cool."

Gwaine grinned. "Thanks. I like your hair too. But what's with the strange neckwear?"

"Bowties are cool!" the Doctor insisted. "And don't you go criticizing my neckwear; I've seen what some of your friends wear! Honestly. Bowties, cool. Neckerchiefs, not so much."

"Merlin makes it work," Gwaine insisted. "And how do you know him anyway?"

"Oooh… wibbly wobbly timey wimey," the Doctor babbled, and jerked his head toward the box. "Well, must be off, I've stayed to chat long enough already." Addressing the creature, he said, "I'll give you a lift to Ultamaxtria, and then we can pretend like none of this ever happened, alright? Good luck, Gwaine, and sorry for the confusion. I'd get you out of here, but I can't mess with the timeline any more. Just keep being Gwaine and you'll be fine! NOw, I've got an angry Ultamaxtrian to take home! Ta-ta!"

And just like that, the Doctor and the poor, mixed up alien were gone.

Gwaine lay there, stunned, for a moment, wondering just how hard Morgana's men had hit him. Slowly he let his eyes drift shut and…

What happens next?

Well, you'll just have to wait until next week, because I don't think anyone, even the Doctor, quite knows how this episode is going to end!

The End

A/N: I know, pure stupidity, but come on! What the heck was that thing? It looked like it walked straight out of Doctor Who, so I sort of made that the case lol… This was so fun to write… Please let me know what you think, and I'll put up some serious tags very soon… so… much… bromance! Please review!

~Emachinescat ^..^