Scenes from a Movie
by Adrian Tullberg.

***

PETER: I read your work, it was ...

NORMAN: Hang on ... you attend this school and you can read?

PETER: Yeah. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a genius.

NORMAN: Then why haven't you applied for a scholarship at some of those schools my dead weight of a son got kicked out of?

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: Hey! Dafoe! Stick to the continuity!

NORMAN: Okay, mustn't ignore direction from a bunch of pasty wierdoes, I'm just an Oscar-nominated actor.

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: Damn right!

***

PETER demonstrates his vaunted SPIDER-SENSE, which turns out to be a MATRIX BULLET TIME RIP-OFF which completely fails to work again until the END OF THE FILM.

FOOTBALL JOCK attempts to beat up Peter, who avoids his blows with an acrobatic skill that is somehow forgotten by everyone who witnessed this event.

***

MARY-JANE: I want to ... you know, act.

PETER: Really?

MARY-JANE: Yeah ...

PETER: Can you show me? I mean, right now?

***

PETER: I have hairs all over my now incredibly sticky palms. Just another hammer in the coffin of my social life, isn't it Raimi?

RAIMI: Hey, I thought I better give you something your fans can empathise with.

PETER: Okay! Super powers! Now ... I know ... I'll become a Hollywood action hero, then not only will I keep my aunt and uncle in the luxury they deserve, I'll give Mary-Jane a part in my movies in return for her being my love slave!

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: No! You go and perform in a wrestling ring!

PETER: Er ... look, lets work something out ... howabout I join my school's basketball team, get a scholarship into a big university, saving my aunt and uncle the expense of putting me through college, and become the only NBA draftee with a doctorate?

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: NO! WRESTLING! WRREESSSTTTLLINNGGG!

RAIMI: Look, Tobey ... just back away, and do as they say. A lot of them spend time working on computers relating to our credit cards.

PETER: Geez, okay.

***

BEN: Now, lately you beat up the guy who's been giving you wedgies since you started school, and missed one day's chores. Instead of buying you a beer to celebrate your finally growing a pair, I'm going to stomp this emerging adolecent rebellion into the ground right here and now. Remember ... with Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.

PETER: Got it.

BEN: With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility.

PETER: Er, Uncle Ben? Officially Registered Genius? I can repeat that phrase in three different languages. I said I got it!

BEN: No, you have to remember this just in case I get shot due to a series of events you could have never predicted, but can easily obsess into a life-long guilt trip. With Great Power ...

PETER gets out of the car, and high-tails it to the wrestling ring.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, I'm Bruce Campbell, friend of the director, drawcard for Evil Dead fans, and celebrity cameo! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ... THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!

SPIDER-MAN proceeds to smack down a wrestler but gets stiffed out of the money promised to him.

SPIDER-MAN: Despite the fact I'm strong enough to pick up your desk and give you a splinter enema, I'm going to pass up the chance to display some real irresponsibility with my new powers and wuss out of this office. Don't blame me if you get robbed in the next few minutes.

WRESTLING MANAGER: Like that's gonna happen ...

An ARMED MAN steals the money, and escapes

WRESTLING MANAGER: Damn.

SPIDER-MAN: Hang on ... I could jump down the stairs ... catch that guy before his elevator hits the lobby ... punch him out, get my money, and let the police arrest ...

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: STICK TO THE PLOT!

SPIDER-MAN: Crap ...

***

JAMESON: Okay! Pictures of Spider Man! Good thing you didn't think of getting a camcorder, getting some footage, and selling it to a news networks for a few grand.

PETER: Actually, I did, but those guys in the audience really scare me.

SUIT IN THE BACKGROUND: Hi, I'm Ted Raimi, borhter of the director! You might remember me from ...

EVERYONE ELSE: PISS OFF!!

***

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: Katie Holmes and now Kirsten Dunst.

OTHER MALES IN AUDIENCE: Sam Raimi, hallowed be thy name.


***

GOBLIN: We've finally found out who Spider-Man is!

NORMAN: You mean you didn't check under his mask when we gassed him and dragged him up to the rooftop?

GOBLIN: Er ... I thought you were supposed to do that!

NORMAN: No ... you're in charge of evil stuff, remember?

GOBLIN: DO'H!

***

HARRY: My evil, verbally abusive father is dead. Despite suddenly inheriting his company and fortune, and my therapist recommending that I should start planning the party, I'm going to irrationally blame Spider-Man because he brought the body to my house, instead of just dumping it in a river somewhere like everyone else who's guilty of murder.

MARY-JANE: Peter ... you, me, and a bottle of chocolate syrup. Whaddya say?

PETER: Er ... let's be friends on this one, okay?

MOVIE WATCHING AUDIENCE: WHAT????

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: YES! Don't you see? He's setting the scene for the other girls in his life!

MOVIE WATCHING AUDIENCE: WHAT OTHER GIRLS? Can that geek pick and choose?

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: He's trying to protect her from the dangers in his life!

MOVIE WATCHING AUDIENCE: The only other guy who knew got a rocket powered knife in his nuts! For Christ's Sake! She's hot! Willing and Waiting! Not to mention stupid enough not to realise that he's the same guy in a red-and-blue suit!

COMIC-BOOK GEEKS IN AUDIENCE: If you just paid attention to continuity ...

MOVIE WATCHING AUDIENCE: OKAY, THAT'S IT!

As the credits start to roll, the rest of the MOVIE WATCHING AUDIENCE proceed to KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of the COMIC-BOOK GEEKS present.

***

Please send any and all feedback to adriantull@urban.net.au