Disclaimer: Nothing In Harry potter belongs to me.
AN: This was written for the Chinese Moon Festival Competition on HPFC for the Separation Slice. I hope you enjoy it!
Night began to set in, the moon just peeking out from behind a cluster of clouds as the last stragglers of the seven o clock service left the little church. Small sounds of annoyance and scoffs of "how rude" emanated from the throng as a man, his face hidden by a dark hood, roughly pushed past the group. Instead of heading towards town with the others, or even into the church, he pushed his way into the small gravesite behind the building.
The gate seemed to spring open of its own accord when he approached, as though frightened to get too near. He strode purposefully through the rows, it was clear this was a path he'd travelled many times. He was well into the graveyard before he stopped before a marble headstone labeled 'Potter' in neat script.
He began to pace frantically in front of it, words spewing from his mouth in quick succession. "You wouldn't believe how much he's like you. So- so self-righteous. He thinks he knows everything. But he doesn't. He doesn't understand. She doesn't understand. No one does! Yet they go on and tell me how stupid I'm being.
"Why doesn't anyone understand? Or just admit that they don't and they never will? Who knows me better than me? Maybe you do, but it doesn't matter now does it? Not as though you're going to talk back?" He laughed bitterly and kicked at the ground. Many dents and grassy clumps told the story of his past relations with this spot.
"I mean the nerve of him, a coward. I am not a coward. I'm trying to be the responsible one. I'm always the responsible one," He spat out bitterly, "the one who thinks things through and gets it all done properly. If I'd only thought before none of this would have happened. "
He sighed and all but fell onto the grass, his head resting next to the headstone, lying in the same position as his friend buried under the surface. His hood fell down to reveal a weary tired face, lined with scars and premature lines. His sandy hair was flecked with gray, now more than ever. His gray eyes showed the tormented soul that lay beneath. Encompassed in emotional turmoil the face of Remus Lupin was not a pretty one to behold.
He closed his eyes and rubbed them with his hands, "why didn't I think? How could I just let my emotions take over me like that? I should never have married her, should never have slept with her, never even talked to her. By now I should know that good things don't happen to me." His voice grew soft, now only a whisper carried through the breeze, "But I just couldn't help it. I don't even know what it is about her."
Quiet descended as he mused in his mind what he had never been able to set into words. The way her laugh reverberated through his entire body, tingling him to the core. How she could smile and set his world alight with new possibilities. The adorable scrunch of concentration she adopted while she morphed. Her vibrant personality, showcased even outside of her body with her constantly recolored hair. Her spontaneous attitude that kept him on his toes, never quite knowing what they'd be doing next. He had no words for her, she was just perfect. She was Dora.
But here he was once again pulling apart the fabric of his life. Forcing himself to take a new path, and for her to realign hers. Making the decisions were hard, she didn't like for him to do the tearing and to try to set things straight again. After all she had her own way of looking at it all, one which would eventually lead her into trouble.
"She's doomed if she stays with me." It took more effort than it should have for him to say those words aloud. As much as he disliked them, he knew they were true. "She'd be forever shamed, forever an outcast. Forever like me.
"I know you lot don't think it's so bad. But you must have been watching me, at least a bit, must have seen what it's really like. You must see why I can't put that on her… on the baby. Not anymore at least. I have to at least save someone. I've already failed you so wretchedly."
Again he fell quiet, his fingers wandered down to knot themselves into the grass as his eyes went upward. He could see it clearly now, hanging so innocently up in the sky. It was his greatest enemy. The one who split his life into pieces, mercilessly destroying it more and more as the months passed.
"Isn't this supposed to be romantic? Gazing at the moon, it's supposed to make me feel safe, as though I'm connected with her right? All it does is make me feel so much farther away. It's like she's on one side of a chasm and I'm on the other, in the middle is the moon, screwing me over just like it's always done.
"I'd ask what I've done to deserve this, but I know what I've done. I've destroyed two lives. I don't care what Dora says, I know that baby will be a werewolf. I just know it. I can't believe I was so thoughtless, I should have been thinking ahead. I got too caught up in it all."
"A baby. Can you believe it? I know Lily said I'd make a great dad, but playing with your best mate's kid is a bit different than being a father wouldn't you say? I'd make a wretched dad, he wouldn't even like me. Look how well I did looking after Harry for you. And he hates me now; he all but threw me out of the house. I suppose attacking him wasn't the best course of action." Remus sighed wearily and tried to push himself deeper into the grass, as though hiding would help anything.
"I get too angry sometimes, I can't always be as patient as I ought to be. And isn't that what a dad's supposed to do? You can't just throw your kid at a wall when they piss you off. Especially when they're telling the truth.
"He was right wasn't he? If you could talk back you'd tell me to get back home and beg forgiveness. You were always like that; you never saw my worries as valid. If it wasn't happening now then there was no need to get fussed over it. I wish I could think like that."
Without really thinking about Remus began to twirl the golden band encircling his ring finger. He had to touch the small bit of metal that tied him to Dora, despite the distance or their current situation. "You wouldn't believe how much I miss her. It's barely been a week and yet I miss her so much. I should go back, but I shouldn't. It's all too tied up in my head. I can't figure out right from wrong anymore. I wish you could tell me James. I wish I could listen to Harry, he made it all seem easy.
"And I just know she'd open up her door and let me back like I'd never really left. Because that's just what she does. I wouldn't have to grovel or beg, even though I more than deserve it. I've made her hurt, by trying to keep her from hurting. This is all far too confusing.
"I don't seem to be able to do anything right. No matter what I do I'm screwing something up. I wish I had someone to give me advice and tell me what to do. I wish I could talk to someone who isn't dead."
He stared up to the heavens wishing that through the cloudy sky he could pull his friends back to earth. Wishing he could tear down the moon and run home to Dora, curse free and ready for fatherhood. He wanted so many things. Yet every time they seemed to come towards him he had to run away.
AN: Reviews are lovely, please leave one!