Summary: They're in high school. Lady Gaga comes to town. My standard pairings: K/S, B/C, S/C, U/G, etc. A majority of this ends up as Jim being horribly annoying to Spock, and also teenagers in various stages of undress, panic, mania, anticipation, and excitement. Business as usual.




The gist of the night was that Jim woke up with a video on his phone that Spock would probably pay millions to have destroyed, a massive headache, and signature scrawled across his forehead.

It was 8 AM, and also a weekend, so when Jim screamed so loudly that dust drifted down from the ceiling, he woke Winona up. Jim's mother staggered into his room, clutching a robe around her and grousing.

"Oh my God, Jim," she moaned. "You know I had my friends over last night and I am sure you saw the empty Cuervo bottles when you came in, so why did you—"

She was interrupted by Jim screaming some more and jumping up and down on his bed and pointing at his forehead.


Winona closed her eyes and prayed for patience. "Okay, dear, take it down a few hundred decibels and tell me slowly what is going on."

Jim enunciated carefully. It was the most important thing he was ever, ever going to say.

"Mom. Lady Gaga—signed—my head."


Five months ago, Pavel Chekov came screaming into first period waving his Sidekick and proceeded to shove its glowing screen into everybody's face.

"Lady Gaga!" he shouted. "Lady Gaga! She is going to have a concert here! HERE!"

"Oh my God," said Jim, putting a hand on his chest and trying to breathe. "Oh my God."

"What? Really?" Nyota grabbed Pavel's phone and stared at it. "Oh my God."

They passed his phone around. Christine and Gaila started flailing their arms. Bones, of course, just looked irritable, and Hikaru rolled his eyes. Spock looked like he wanted to roll his eyes but he had that thing where he was expressionless and eye-rolling was probably an expression, so he didn't do anything. And Scotty didn't look up from his mechanical engineering textbook.

"You guys have no priorities," Gaila hissed at the unexcited four. "It's. Lady. Gaga."

"And?" said Bones.

Christine leveled her finger at him. "No more disco stick for you. Ever."

"What? Come on! That's a totally unfair reaction!" Bones protested.

"It is so not. If you don't respect Gaga, then I don't respect you," Christine snapped.

"Okay, I got nothin' against Gaga," said Bones. "Chris, you know how I feel—"

"About Rihanna? Yes, I got that message the last twenty times we listened to 'Disturbia' in the car. But loving one woman doesn't mean you can't at least appreciate another."

"My heart," said Bones, covering that organ with his palm, "can only belong to one."

Christine punched him in the gut and their conversation went a bit downhill. Jim, Nyota, Gaila, and Pavel, however, were still hyperventilating.

"How. Much," said Gaila, eyes crazed, "are the tickets? Tell me, Pavel, tell me."

Pavel typed a bit, then his eyes widened. "A lot," he said. "Wow. Here."

They passed the phone around a bit more.

"It's time to put Plan X into play," said Gaila seriously to Nyota.

"No," said Nyota shortly.

"But come on, it only involves—"

"No," said Nyota again.

"Nyota! How else are we going to—"

"Any way but Plan X, dear," said Nyota firmly.

"I gotta ask," said Jim.

"No," Nyota said again.

"White t-shirts," said Gaila, holding up her pointer finger to indicate that she was listing, "lip gloss, and a sprinkler."

"Ah'd pay for that," Scotty piped up.

"You'd also lose your balls," said Nyota sweetly. "Gaila, no."

"Stop bickering!" Pavel insisted. "This is not a laughing matter! We need a plan."

"Okay," said Jim. "Who here knows anything about the stock market?"


Eventually, they got Spock to write an algorithm.

"It was under protest," Spock muttered to Hikaru as he flicked on his phone to check APPL, WMT, and HPQ's noon values on Bloomberg.

"No more blowjobs?" said Hikaru sympathetically. Spock looked offended for a moment, then sighed, and nodded.

Pavel didn't write it because he was literally too excited about the concert to sit still. Because of this, Cupcake started calling him a puppy again, which forced Jim to have to beat Cupcake up again, which got Jim detention again, which got Winona angry again, and so Spock had to go over and plead for leniency because, since Spock had just written the algorithm, Jim had repealed his 'no blowjobs' rule, and Spock was kind of, you know, male and in high school, emotionless or not.

"It was for a good cause," Spock had explained patiently, trying to stop his leg from jittering and cursing love, the sedulous harpy. "Cupc—I mean, Jason, was making fun of Pavel, and you know how Pavel is with bullies." He made his very fake but apparently convincing sympathetic face and blessed all of the time he spent with his father at the state capitol, hobnobbing: it had given him quite an edge in dealing with grown-ups.

"Yes, I suppose I do," sighed Winona, sitting back on the couch in a huff. "Jim's just got to learn that you can't solve all your problems by hitting someone."

"I have been attempting to teach him, but," Spock shrugged.

"Oh, I know," said Winona, nodding wisely. She took a sip of tea. (Spock had made her some very good Vulcan spice tea; Jim had actually texted him "brownnoser :P" and Spock had very angrily texted back "Well excuse me for attempting to obtain your quick release by greasing the wheels of authority with freshly-picked, perfectly brewed la-ha'ganis holoun.", to which Jim replied, "ur so lucky ily".) "No power in the world could control my boy."

Spock kind of wanted to say, "There are some powers, by which I mean penises," but he blamed that impulse on spending way too much time with Jim and moved on hastily. "I shall continue to do my best, Ms. Lawrence."

"Your best is admirable and I approve," said Winona. "And fine, you two can go out tonight. But Jim, I expect you home by nine."

"That's inhuman!" Jim squawked. "Luby's is still open at nine!"

"Just, get out of my house," Winona sighed. "Spock, thanks for the tea, and best of luck with Jim."

"You are welcome, and thank you. I quite need it," said Spock. "I will have him home by nine."

"Don't encourage her!"

"Jim, please cease communicating."

"Yeah, shut up, Jimmy."


The algorithm was, obviously, not good enough to make them any significant amount of money, but it did cover the cost of eight tickets. Scotty flat-out refused to go, and since he wasn't being dragged by a significant other, they couldn't use anything against him. So it was the four couples: Jim and Spock, Bones and Christine, Nyota and Gaila, and Pavel and Hikaru.

The concert was at the end of April, which meant that everybody really should have been studying for finals rather than going to concerts that lasted until one AM and staying up past four AM anticipating the concerts. Spock, Bones, and Hikaru made a solemn pact to support each other in this, their time of most desperate need, which turned out to have been a good idea when the enthusiastic five got the idea to go shopping for concert clothes on the weekend before The Big Event.

It was a Saturday morning and everybody was at the Ten Forward for breakfast. Gaila, who was flipping through an photographed, color-coordinated, indexed, and cross-referenced archive of her clothes on her phone, had said, "You know, I could use some new boots," and Pavel had said, "And I vould like a shirt," and Nyota had gotten a Look in her eyes that meant credit cards melting from overuse. "But I have to wash my hair today," said Bones, ashen-faced. Hikaru, resigned, ran home for his hiking boots, and Spock looked like he might be praying.

"I thought you weren't religious," said Jim to Spock.

"There are times," said Spock quietly, "when many previously unfeasible actions are judicious."

They finished breakfast hastily (Christine had to take Bones's eggs Benedict away from him because he was eating them so slowly) and piled into Spock's minivan for the ride to the mall, during which Jim continued his tradition of ribbing him horribly about said minivan.

"Considering I am not only driving you to your desired location, but also agreeing to attend a musical recital that I do not wish to attend with you, going shopping with you, and providing you with sexual intercourse, I do not believe that you should be antagonizing me," said Spock, making a sharper than usual right turn onto Oak.

"The things we do for love," grinned Jim, and turned on "Alejandro."

"If you killed him, no jury in the world," Bones muttered into Spock's ear after they'd parked at Treeline Mall.

"Thank you," said Spock, taking Bones's arm warmly, "but I have indeed taken leave of my senses and am not presently capable of carrying out the deed."

"I understand your situation," sighed Bones, jerking his head at Christine, who was arm in arm with Nyota, singing "Bad Romance."

"It is difficult," Spock sympathized.

Hikaru's hiking boots turned out to be necessary. The group spent eight hours at the mall. Even Spock, who was allergic to shopping, bought a pair of black slacks at the Gap to wear to college interviews ("You're not doing that for another year!" "It is important to be prepared." Mutter: "Boy Scout."). Bones kept disappearing only to be found cuddled in those vibrating massage chairs distributed like weeds around American malls, arms wrapped around his knees, whispering things about "stress fractures" and "Stockholm syndrome." By the time they piled back into Spock's minivan, Hikaru had developed a tick.