Gia & Linda - Goodbye
"You were the one. And you were amazing."
And then she shut the door. No kiss, no affectionate touch apart from the heavy hand she had laid over my heart. Her beautiful green eyes had stared at me with her intensity, melting down the walls in my newly recovered heart. I had had to painstakingly re-build the infrastructures that had held up its walls after she had left me so long ago, choosing drugs over me.
I did not know what had happened to her since. I had worried. I had beaten myself up for worrying. I had been trying to get over the love of my life but she had kept creeping back in, the good and the bad, in my memories... in my dreams.
I couldn't believe it when I heard her voice again on my answer machine. Croaky, deep, pained and nervous. Like in my dreams she was apologising. And immediately it was all okay. I forgave her just like that because if there is one thing I know about Gia it's that behind all the drugs there was always a very genuine person there; she never hid who she was, she never hid her love for me, she never hid anything!
And so I stand here alone in my apartment. My pulse thumping madly where she touched me on the chest. My senses full of her scent from when we hugged. My eyes drowning in the vision of her face. Superficially I could see that her skin was ashened and her hair and eyes were dull in withdrawal. But everytime she looked at me her eyes brightened. I caught a glimpse of the Gia who had been so full of life before.
The eccentric, amazing, energetic Gia I had loved - still love - yet now without all the drugs has truly returned to my life. I hope Gia will let me be there for her again. I want nothing more than to fold her in my arms and kiss all her tears away. I do hope she calls soon.
I curl up on my sofa and wait.
Oh Linda. Seeing your face again, hearing your voice... You should have been the sole drug I allowed myself to be addicted to. And now it is all over. I would do anything to feel your lips on mine again but I cannot bear it, that torture. I will never see you again and it kills me. It kills me...
But I am dying already. You do not need to see the sores all over my body or know the truth about my state of health. You, Linda, were everything I ever wanted yet I was too out of control to stop myself from shooting just one more shot. Only one more... and so I will no hurt you more than you need to be.
You were so happy to see me. You embraced me so hard. I have made peace with the reality of my situation, that my time will very soon be up. And yet when you looked at me and drew me into your arms I suddenly hated everything. I hated God and his plans for me. Why can't I stay with the woman who makes me feel the four winds on my face everytime she kisses me?
I will leave you with hope, with a good memory: Gia is on the way to recovery and will soon be herself again. Perhaps we will fall in love again...
But with every breath my heart breaks even further. The gaps that were left when our relationship ended are not filled as I hoped, just aching for more. The shards in my heart are shattering a thousand times over again with every second stolen by my God-forsaken illness from my alternate new future with you.
Goodbye, Linda, the most beautiful woman to ever walk my earth. When your hope for our future dies I hope you will find true happiness. For then I will have true peace.